papalazarou Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I'm definetely doing things to better myself.. It's just tough as I have lost friends due to the breakup, and they basically ditched me for her.. great friends huh. Feels like I'm rebuilding my life.. all over again. I would agree whilst its not nice to have friends take sides, I know for a fact that I have a core 8 or 9 that will rally round when the chips or down. These are people I have known for years. Whats the saying boyfriends/girlfriends come and go but mates are forever. thereforeeee those people who "sided" with her were never true friends anyway. Rebuilding is hard but you CAN do it. Link to comment
iminpain Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 My GF of a few years broke-up with me about several weeks ago, she feel out of love. I am agonizing over the loss. First two weeks, I tried to talk to her twice into working things out, she said no. There were mixed signals from her, but still the answer is no. She calls me once a week to talk, and last time we talked I tried again to talk to her into working things out. The answer is no. I found this post, and thinking about NC. Since the break-up, I've initiated contact only twice, she has initiated contact five times. What to do? Please help me. Link to comment
andreap Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Hi, I just got done reading your plan and think it is absolutely fantastic as it only focuses on being positive and on yourself...not the ex. However, my sitution is a little different. I am actually the "dumper", not the dumpee, in my relationship and I am actually the one that wants to reconcile if possible. I left my ex-fiance' of 7 1/2 years in May of 2005 after not being able to work out some issues (dishonesty on his part) and just too much hurt and fighting to bear. I moved out rather abruptly even though I "warned" him for several months that if things didn't change I would be leaving.....I NEVER stopped loving him....I just couldn't take the situation any more. We did the counseling thing (even after I moved out for about 3 months)....while remaining separate...then I cancelled the counseling when I discovered he was still not being entirely honest and open w/ me and our counselor (ironically) quit her job for a different position elsewhere. Since Aug. '05 we have been back and forth.....it has almost exclusively been him contacting me after I went NC. We did "hook up" a few times in Feb/March of '06. He has also been casually dating another woman since that time....but, I really don't understand the nature of their "relationship" as he never stays over at her place and she never does at his (ever...I still know all my old neighbors as he still lives in our old house!) and he has reiterated to me at least a dozen times over the past few months that he is 100% single & not in love w/ her and sometimes doesn't talk to her for days at a time ....just goes out to eat w/ her from time to time...whatever...I don't know. I have now been NC for 15 days!! I did this because in October of '06, I was doing NC and he insisted on contacting me and seeing me again. We went to lunch together a few times, flirted a little, went to Sunday breakfast, talked again every day on the phone...and then NADA!!! He did the SAME exact thing he did the last couple of times I opened the door on him again.....just kept things in limbo. Says he has been thinking about getting back together....then runs off....back and forth. When I igore him....he calls me and goes crazy...then when I let him back in my life....he shuts down and cannot commit...this cycle has been going on for over a year now!! I finally sent him an email on 12/19 telling I REFUSE to stay in limbo and that I would no longer be contacting him and that he should no longer contact me since he doesn't seem to know what he wants....of course he has already contacted me via email and phone....but I ignored it. His last email basically said that he is "sorry that I CAN'T stay in limbo"!!! as if I should just wait around until HE is ready to DO something....if it even ever happens? So, my question is....would your plan work in a situation like this? We had a very long term relationship (almost 8 years)...but it was really bad at the end....I feel that I have forgiven him and that a lot of those issues are over...so now what? He can't seem to fully commit to reconciliation....yet he always wants to talk to me and to see me from time to time on a friendship basis...which I cannot handle and assume would only lead to something more (sexual). What would you recommend here? I feel that NC is all that I can do unless he actually DOES something to show me that he is 100% ready to put this back together? What about his outside dating....should I be concerned about that? well, I would love some great advice here and look forward to hearing from you......sorry it's so long.... Link to comment
papalazarou Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 This is worth a bump.... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Ummm his outside dating? Of course you should be concerned about it. If you guys have been together for almost 8 years and he still doesn't want to commit, then I'd say disappear from the guy's life. He is only keeping you around for his own convenience. Look, a guy can come up with every excuse in the world, but the bottom line is, he will do whatever it takes to make a woman happy when he is in love with her. 8 years is a loooooong time to invest into someone without having a solid commitment by both parties. Seems the guy is trying to keep you around as a booty call and nothing more. In my opinion, you need to continue no contact and date people. You should open yourself up to the possibility of letting another man in your life. The more people you date, and put between you and this ex, the more distance you create. Is the only way to move on. I'm sure you've got people that would love to date you. Just open your eyes and see them waiting for you. Give them a chance because they could be far better for you than your ex ever was. Link to comment
Beautifulbloom Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Major, who are you?? This is a brilliant thread! Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I agree This is a great thread. I'll give it another bump. Link to comment
numbhead Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 i'll log this on my post history for future viewing!! Link to comment
Cyprian Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 This is incredible advice, for those who are in need of it... Link to comment
vesper Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 MAJOR!!!!!!!!! you have LITERALLY saved my life. kisses. xxx vespar Link to comment
vesper Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 majord., I have not expressed clearly if I want to get back together or not. should I stay in contact, or N o cntact? what if I want him back, but I cannot face the possibility of telling him I want him and then having him reject me. So, should I just stay in no contact>? OR SHOULD I ask him on a date? EHHHHHH Link to comment
ancatdubh Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 What is "The Perfect Plan Mach II"? Link to comment
vesper Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 dunnno, but the title is missing a 't' !!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
majord23 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Share Posted May 12, 2007 majord., I have not expressed clearly if I want to get back together or not. should I stay in contact, or N o cntact? what if I want him back, but I cannot face the possibility of telling him I want him and then having him reject me. So, should I just stay in no contact>? OR SHOULD I ask him on a date? EHHHHHH Vespar - it depends on who you're talking about. If it's the person that we both know, then let the situation go, stay NC and move on. If it's someone different....then I'm gonna need more details girl Link to comment
majord23 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Share Posted May 12, 2007 What is "The Perfect Plan Mach II"? Not for the faint-hearted....but very effective for an unhealthy, short-term reconciliation Link to comment
vesper Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 Vespar - it depends on who you're talking about. If it's the person that we both know, then let the situation go, stay NC and move on. If it's someone different....then I'm gonna need more details girl NO! majord! Its really really time for me to move-on from the person that we mutually know, and I know that in my heart and really know that is the right thing to do, but Its been difficult and really by confiding in someone else about this other person is how I came into my current break-up. here are the details... this is all in the past because nothing new has happened since , well since. me and a co-worker have begun to develop a relationship against my wishes and against his wishes. Almost six weeks back at a bar during a company happy hour, after spending 40 hours a week for 6-8 weeks with him trying to way-find our way through a hospital in Michigan, we started to develop mutual feelings for each-other. The tension was built up, I asked him right out if he wanted to have sex and he said no. 3 weeks later at another company happy hour, with no desire and an 'understanding' that nothing would happen between us, the natural flow of the evening ended up with us in each-others arms. he went on a business trip to the hospital that is the object of our focus. came back. we talked and at the time of the 'consumation' he said that he thought the relationship we were developing as co-workers had the potential to be very dangerous. he was very affectionate, rubbing my back. he kept trying to 'stage' a set-up between us like asking me to go on the next business trip to grand rapids so we could get together. I told him that really i did not have time for games and that if he wanted me, that was the time now or never. so he said ok. the evening was intense, gorgeous, happy, I was so good, great chemistry, everything. So blah the next day that was that he went back to his home. and me to mine. Now the problem is that I don't know what will happen next. Its very stated clearly that neither of us want relationships and that we are only interested in each other sexually, and that's fine but whats next? work is fine, we work together still very well and flirt a lot with each other and he flirts and we smile and I guess I just really dont want to make a move because I dont want anything to go wrong but I do have affection for him and hope that we can be together again, but really Im not willing or ready to go down that path . I guess I figured it out. Any comments are welcome. Link to comment
vesper Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 BTW, I also feel too old for this AND I dont have internet at home right now, so it will just happen when it happens I guess!!! x cheers, vespar Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Share Posted September 4, 2007 Shameless bump. Someone might get something out of it. Link to comment
bridgid8 Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 bump tis good Great call on bumping this one! Thanks!! This is the healthiest advice that I can give – both to help someone recover from a break-up and to give the best chance possible of being reconciled with an ex. There are no ‘games’ or ‘tricks’ contained here, it is not a quick-fix nor a magical solution – it is straight-forward and all about helping the dumpee heal and move on, with or without their former partner: The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide Goal: The goal of this post primarily focuses on two things: To maintain the dumpee’s self-respect and dignity To avoid being pitied by the dumper If these two (interrelated) goals are achieved, it will have a two-pronged effect. It will assist the dumpee in moving on It will increase the chance of reconciliation I like that this is all about working on ourselves, with the sole intention of coming out of all this crap a better person. The "if" is just that, an IF. Link to comment
SRufus Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 Interesting guide, but everyone's situation is different. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 Interesting guide, but everyone's situation is different. Of course everyone's situation is different. There is no "one size fits all" to recovering from a break-up or improving your chances for reconciliation. But, the majority of the advice will apply to a large percentage of break-ups. I didn't believe many things that I read here at eNA at first either. I thought, "oh, my situation is different... I'll just keep doing what I think is best." Wrong! That just pushed my ex further away. While everyone's situation is different, there are a lot of recurring themes whether you acknowledge that or not. It's human psychology. So what has most of the advice like majord23's guide given? Accept, let go, and move on... No matter what the situation, you have to truly let go and work on yourself. And, I think, that applies to all break-ups... -Mike- Link to comment
twinkle72 Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 BUMPing this thread for those of us that may not have seen it. This man is brilliant!!! I am also one who says 'well maybe my situation is different'... well it's not! I don't like games either but this isn't so much a game as a guide to what really works and has a happy ending anyway it ends up. Much easier said than done but this is just some amazing advice. I love love the feed the birdie theory also, that's my current plan of action!!! Link to comment
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