Sev

Days 2,3,4 & 5 Hi, I decided this time to not keep a dailt journel due to the fact i feel it is slowing down my healing rather than helping it due to thinking about it each day when i do it daily! So, suprisingly 2,3,4 & 5 have been fine so far, yes i thought about things a little and had the occational moment were i have felt a bit down but other than that im fine. I hope im through the worst of it now, i keep getting worse and then alot better alot quicker now which is good. I seem to have had a epithany(spelling?!) and reaslised she wasnt as good as i thought she was. I think it helped when i tried to be friends with her and she just seemed to belittle me all the time and make out she was only staying friends for me, to a point were i just walked away from her as i wasnt having anyone giving me friendship out of pity and i resent her for it now. Like she hadnt hurt me enough to then throw my friendship back in my face in the worst possible way. One day it will come back to haunt her, or not, but either way i dont care. Well i got a date on friday too! So yay me! I fiannly think im coming through this. I still have feelings for her dont get me wrong. Its just i know truthfully now i couldnt go back to her now even if she asked. The trust has gone, also so has the respect. I guess i was too clouded by just wanting her back to actually see this. She made a fool of me for her own reasons, sheleftme for someone else. This is a deal breaker, even if she never comes back, i wouldnt want her back. Thats the difference thats making me feel better kind of. I feel like a fool and i had a ego bruising but however, im glad that i found this out about her as now i know what she is like. If she could say she loved me, share a house, my bed, make plans for the future then walk away when someone better came along, what kind of person does this? The women i loved was a illusion, this is her showing her real side, selfish. And dont say she isnt as if she wasnt, why did she lead me on up until finding someone else. There was no signs. Nothing. No talk just her walking out, out of the blue into another guys arms. So to hell with her, i can do better and deserve better. Im looking forward to day 10000 of no contact as i never want to see her again. Sorry for turning into a mini rant!

1) 2 years, lived together was planning a family 2) Since firday, i saw her friday lunch for 30 mins, then monday i saw her for 5 mins and 1 min yesterday to get some post off her. Apprently i seeing her "all the time" She has another guy who she hasnt told she is still seeing her ex as friends. I think she lacks morals to be honest. She is out for number 1.

Day 1 Im back! My attempt at friendship ended badly. Well lets just say it was going ok but all she kept doing was reminding me we will only be friends, i was doing all the chasing and she just didnt seem to want to know me at all. When i saw her today she kept saying how i was seeing her all the time and dropping hints, i just just turned around and said "look this wont work im going" Then i turned and walked off and left it at that. I sent her a text saying i wished we could be friends but i felt like her heart wasnt in it and she was seeing me out of pity. I said i didnt want that and if she wants to be firends she knows were i am. Im leaving it at that now and taking some good advice and going NC again. I should of never broke it if im honest. But this time i intend to stick to it. I think ive finally hit a point now were i know its over, i dont want to be friends and i dont think i would weant her back now after the way she has treated me. I hope to god i get through this soon. Im sick of feeling bad over someone who couldnt give a * * * * about me. My advice to anyone is dont break NC and definetly dont try be friends, it doesnt work. Well for me anyway.

Day 9 Broke no contact. Had a work related issue i had to deal with her, we ended up chatting though.......but were going for lunch together tomorrow. Im going to start a new thread cos i seriously need some advice. So please help me out

Day 8 Has been another bad day, saw her at work, blanked each other, then i had to email her at work for something unavoidably work related so i await the reply tomorrow, i guess it will just stay work related though. Want her back so bad and on the other hand i really dont. I hate being this split down the middle! I just hope it starts to get easier soon, since day 6 its been getting worse! Oh well roll on day 9, i wont break nc though, im not starting again! (work related isnt classed as breaking as long as i just stick to work stuff!) (and its over work email so not even going to see her!)

Day 7 Wow what a long hard day! Today has been by far the worse! I think the fact i was a bit down yesterday and i had a dream about her last night didnt help. I woke up feeling bad then the weight of the world just enhanced this and made me feel really bad all day. I havnt wanted to break nc as such, as i know its futile so i remain steadfast in NC. The thing is i passed her on the stairs at work, she was actually just going through a door, she saw me but we both kinda ignored each other like we didnt exsist anymore. I felt a stabbing in my heart when i saw her, im taking this as a sign that my feelings are far from passing for her. Which is why i need alot more nc i think. Im not sure how she felt about me, she had a weird look like her smile dropped off her face when she saw me. Not sure what that signifies, she seemed to be uncomftable at seeing me. I guess it either meens she cant stand me or is still fighting her feelings for me. Either way, im not speculating too much and dont really care if im honest. I know this isnt about her anymore, its my own personal battle im fighting. The quest, to be happy within myself and my life. I have been having drifting thoughts on and off today of getting back together. I think this was mainly about the ultra vivid dream i had this morning. I hope i dont have too many more of those for a while as it really tends to set me back a bit. Ive read that dreams are usually your subconsious trying to sort through information and you conscious mind see's into this, its a part of our brain we dont usually have access to apart from in sleep state. So i hope the dreams are my brain sorting through things and trying to get my head straight on a unconscious level. It's a confusing time in my life, Im 27 and never had to go through this before so not sure how it will pan out. I see people who have had it happen are fine after time. I hope i am too. I know one day i will wake up, and realise that i havnt thought about it for sometime. I think i will always have a scar. but like scars they dont hurt us, its just a reminder of what happened. Dont get me wrong, i have had break ups before, just none that have dragged me down this much or been this intense with the feelings. Anyway, I hope that day 8 is going to be a happier more productive day, we will see but i will get through this. I know that now. Just need to keep my strength up and work through my feelings. If you see my earlier posts i have come a long way from the 1st week when i was a manic depressive wreck of a man who lost all self respect and begged like a insecure needy guy. No more will i do that. Peace Sev/c

Day 6 in the no contact house (just need a geordie accent now!) Hard day today, for some reason ive felt really down all day. I dont think it was intially to do with her, more to do with the fact i miss someone, well anyone to share what i used to be able to share. I think the more i get into this, the more i realise i dont actually miss her as such (i do dont get me wrong) but i miss the intermacy you get with a relationship, being able to share things you dont usually share. I think thats whats eating at me. Its a little sad i know, but the little things seem to have more meening when you know someone else is experiencing them with you. I think thats what NC is teaching me, I have to be able to enjoy life alone, if not i will always be too dependent on others to keep me afloat. Im a 27 year old guy, i should be able to keep myself happy. Well the back end of today is alot better, i managed to fight passed the feelings and get back to a ok mental state (if thats the way to put it!). I also think im finding myself again, but sometimes i remember who i was and dont much care to be that person again, i wasnt bad but i was just focused on going out all the time and doing things im passed caring about. I think the thing is, i have known only 2 things. Going out with my mates and getting drunk at weekends, bascially living for them. Then i met her and settled down i think way too fast. Im shifting from 1st gear to 5th then back to first without teching myself the other gears in life. I thin the fact im recognising this meens i wont hopefully fall straight back to top gear of partying and hopefully try and ease myself into what i feel is a happy balance. Im getting there slowly, i do miss the days withher and miss her like mad sometimes, she isnt always on my mind now which is good. I just hope i dont go off the rails too much whilst finding that middle ground. Well i'll check in for day 7 tomorrow, sorry for any spelling or format etc i just type as i think it and no point formatting as it will be 10 pages back in 5 mins! Peace Sev/c

Day 5 Im really hungover today so not really concentrating on the fact im in NC! Im feeling ok at the moment, will see if it stays that way. I tried to just not think about the fact it was V day yesterday. Just another day to me. I miss her like mad but i can get through this. I just keep thinking there is no point chasing something that isnt going to happen, and even if we did magically get back together i would never trust her again. So I have only one real choice, move on! I just hope this is the right choice! Roll on day 6........

Hey! Days 2 3 and 4! Sorry not had chance to post last few days, been keeping myself busy. Im on day 4 now and really i seem to be doing fine. I hardly think of her now, yet sometimes when i do i get a little sad inside, but then it passes as quickly as it came. I think i would be really anxious if i had to speak to her now anyway. Over that last 2 months of LC she has seemd like a stranger to me most times i have seen her, maybe that is whats helping me. Anyway, im having a good time at the moment, im out alot with work friends and some old friends too. Keeping me busy! I just hope i dont run into her somewere, fingers crossed i'll stay strong! I know its V day today but i dont really care, im going to dye my hair tonight and just bought some new clothes for tonight I'll check in again tommoroow if i get time but 4 days and fine so far! Lets hope it stays this way! Peace

Ok, here i am! In the superdave no contact challenge end of day one! I have had around 6 or 7 days of nc prev but its mainly been lc due to sorting out bills etc for the house, its also hard as we work in the same building! Well i feel any chance for getting back togther has definetly gone (might of been the text i sent saying her new bf looks like a *********!) Anyway its definetly time to go full none stop, strap yourself in No conact!! Ok, so end of day one, not too bad really, only thought of her a little, but when i did the silly thoughts of wanting to talk to her and feeling she must be missing me etc were still in my mind, i expect this early days though! SO onwards and upwards, i hope day 2 goes to plan. Facebook has been deleted, all numbers are gone, only way contact will happen is if she contacts me! I hope it gets to a point by the end of the month that i dont want to contact her. Im firmly in the anger phase i think and when i have seen her recently she seems like a stranger. Sorry for the bad grammar and randomness of my typing, im just typing how its coming in my head! Wish me luck, i think im going to need it!!

bump for this! its good to read, took my mind off it for a while and has good advice!

Ok im in on this one! Day one is 3rd January 2009 18:14......... but i have to confess i will being doing it for 2 weeks, i have to see her as my stuff is at our house..... Anyway around this!? Also if she does contact me, should i not respond, i dont wanna act a jerk, but i do need time to heal inside...this is so hard!