Why do you hate your mother?

[SarahRose]

Sure you can exclude kids that were abused. There are plenty of parents who try really hard and their kids grow up and hate their parents.

 

Sad part about abused kids is that many of them grow up and repeat the cycle with their own kids.

 

You are right nobody chooses to be born. Maybe people should think a litlte more than they do before they bring someone else into the world as it is purely a selfish act.

[kuhl282000]

I have learned that if we could pick our parents most of us would pick different parents. I have also learned that they don't go to school to be moms and dads they learn as they go along with the knowledge they had

 

And some had very little I found out later in life.

 

I have also learned to get over it, because life goes on.

 

And so must we

 

Kuhl

[Japanfreak05]

I am angry at my mom for not being a mom at all. Never being there for me, just there to make me feel worse. Making my dad work overtime just to be able to put food on the table for our family and give you money for gas and her nails whenever you ask. I'm mad at her for never paying a single house bill, but telling me once I get paid I need to pay the water bill. For locking me out the house 12 midnight because I didn't clean the kitchen or have dinner cooked when she got home. For constantly bashing me and trying to control the decisions i make in my life, making my life seem worthless, just because you can. For having a job but using the money to buy things for yourself and nothing for my 12 and 14 year old sibblings, and not being there for them . For threating to kick me out the house if I don't get a job, once I get a job you get mad that you have to take me to work. Treating me like * * * *, when I do everything around the house that you don't do, which is EVERYTHING. For telling my dad to stop paying the rent for my appartment while I was in school, forcing me to come back home, so you could tell me how I won't be able to live here for long I need to hurry up at get out. For not letting me unpack anything, all my stuff is still in boxes in the garage. For telling me I have to sleep on the floor of my sisters room, and its not my room i cant have any of my stuff in there. Not knowing anything about the relationship i have with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, talking bad about him to me, but when you come face to face with him, you have nothing but good things to say. I'm almost 20 years old, but you still treat me like a child. Treating me like crap.

 

It's funny I saw this thread, I was about to start my own, but I saw this one. Must have been a sign. I really don't know what to do about my mom. What did ya'll do? I don't know how long I can take living here with her, this stuff I have to go through every other day. Some days I just want to leave, but I don't have anywhere to go. It makes me feel horrible. If it wasn't for my boyfriend and my dad, I don't know where I'd be now.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

"What did ya'll do?"

 

I'm leaving when I turn 18, so about this time next year. And I'm not going to talk to her once I leave, except on my terms. I know she'll disown me for being bi and marrying my grrrlfriend, so it's not a huge deal anyway.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Is this really the place to talk about that? I thought this thread was for mother bashing, not other member/thread bashing.

 

Edited to get back on track:

 

I hate my mother for yelling at me for things I had nothing to do with.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I can't believe someone reported my post in this thread as offensive!

 

I find this entire thread offensive as I do all hate threads but you don't see me whining about it to the moderators.

 

Which thread was reported? I cant find anything any more "offensive" than the venting on this thread.

 

Also, I'm (feeling vaguely guilty since its my thread) was not intending this to be a momhating thread although that was the title. My idea was that really early fear of losing mother causes us to not express healthy anger when our (human being) mothers hurt us- which then gets expressed in other ways as we get older.

 

It was for me to try and get in touch with those feeling which I hold so far down- the idea is there but not the emotion so much.

 

I'm not trying to start a revolution or anything - this isnt BAN THE MOTHER - more- face the real mother.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Aye, face the real mothers...and some of them deserve to be hated.

[truthbetold]

I'm angry at my mother because of the way she raised me; to be afraid of reality. I'm angry that she lies so much. I'm angry that she's back with my stupid step dad after she gave up because he chose drinking over his family. I'm angry that she's a gambleaholic. I'm angry that she doesn't believe me when I've NEVER lied to her. I'm angry that she doesn't have faith in my parenting skills. I'm angry that she treats me like crap. I'm angry that she used to use my child support money on my half sister, instead of me, making me fend for myself for school clothes and junk. I'm angry that she thinks I've given up on my dreams. I'm angry that she thinks I've changed for the worst. I'm angry that she made me leave my shrink when he was saying that she was too childish and causing my social anxieties and lack of self esteem. I'm angry that she only once said she was proud of me...well she didn't even say it she wrote it in a note and I taped it to my notebook and cry when I look at it. I'm angry that she didn't do anything about me being molested, let it slip like nothing was wrong when she herself was molested and loathes the person who did it and resents her mother for never helping her even when she asked so many times. I'm angry that her ex boyfriend bought her a cell phone and still pays for it even though she's back with her husband. I'm angry that she told me how bad the world was at such a young age that I've been afraid to play outside, that I think every one is out to hurt me, and that I was petrified to sleep over my friends houses.

 

On the flipside, I'm glad she scared me into not talking to strangers so nothing ever happened to me. I'm glad she made me do the dishes all the time so I would know how to make my own children do them (lol) I'm glad she believed in my dreams even when I didn't believe in myself. I'm glad she showed me that even without her I can survive. I'm glad she never physically hurt me, and I am mostly glad that she showed me the unconditional love that ever child deserves.

 

Just becoming a mother myself I love my daughter more that anything on this Earth, no she wasn't expected and everyone thought I was too young but as long as I can give her the love and support that ever child deserves I will hope she can say that I am not a horrible mother.

[butterflydreamer]

I am angry with my mother because she can never accept she was wrong and try to correct the mistake.......

[Abby]

Interesting post!

 

I am most definitely angry with my mother because

 

1. She accused me of leaving home (and out of the area) to get away from her when really I was setting up home with my fiance who had graduated from University and was offered his first job after applying nationwide.

 

2. She incessently moaned that I never visted and never phoned when we had an arrangement to visit each other each month (one month we visited them, the next parents visited us) and I phoned her on a weekly basis.

 

3. She tried to get me to visit her more often by saying that my cousin and my other cousin's daughter who were both living out of the area, both visited their mothers every weekend. I checked with both of these mothers and it wasn't true.

 

4. She got upset each time I visited my in-laws which was at most, 3 times a year. She accused me of seeing them more often. We saw my parents every month so how is 3 times a year with my in-laws more than every month with my parents?

 

5. She got upset after she found out years later that when my baby son lay fighting for his life in intensive care that I hugged my in-laws when they arrived at the hospital. Apparently, I didn't hug her although I have no memory of this. My in-laws arrived at the hospital first and when the nurse said, "Your parents are here," I assumed it was mine and dashed to them. Yes, I was disappointed in that instant that it wasn't my parents but by then it was too late, my emotions were overflowing and I ran into their arms. It wasn't anything to do with preference. But since it was my baby fighting for his life in hospital, why didn't my mother hug me? Why didn't she console me? Why did I have to hug and console her?

 

6. Each winter mother gets depressed and last winter I was the target. She behaves like a helpless child when she wants something done that she's perfectly capable of doing herself. The reason she's doing this is because she wants to reel me in. I had an inking she expects me to care for her in her old age. Once this became apparent, I simply said to her, "You and Dad need to consider your care options for when you're older because I won't be able to care for either/both of you as I've got my severely disabled child to care for." It seems she didn't hear that last bit and only heard the bit where I won't be caring for her. As well as wanting me to do jobs she can so easily do herself, she also made negative comparisions about women she knows of but doesn't know personally who apparently find caring for their mothers easy. I doubt these women have a severely disabled child to care for as well! She also spoke of how she and one of her sisters used to go to their parents house daily to do jobs for them such as shopping and housework. I don't have a sister to share such things with. I have two brothers who were brought up to believe that certain things were woman's work and because I'm the only girl... So, it doesn't enter my mother's comprehension that my having a severely disabled child to care for actually prevents me from caring for her and/or Dad when they're old. I know I won't be able to do it. It'll kill me. But, because I've told her I won't be able to do it, she's decided to have these digs at me. What for? In the hope I'll change my mind? There's no mind to change, it's a situation that simply IS. All she is doing is slowly killing our relationship which is a shame because apart from these problems, we have a good relationship. I just don't feel we're able to communicate with each other properly without the fear of hurting each other.

[handsdown]

I'm angry at my mother for always telling me I wasn't very pretty and having that insecurity she placed on me manifest into an eating disorder and an endless obsession with perfection in how I look. I blame her for me never feeling that I look good enough and for basing all my personal worth in my outward appearance.

 

I'm angry at my mother for telling me that I better marry a rich man, because that is the only path to happiness.

 

I'm angry at my mother for putting down my father because he never made enough money. (even though we always lived very comfortably as upper middle class citizens)

 

I'm angry at my mother for telling me I was going to be fat my entire life. (I've been underweight, if not emaciated since adolescence because of this fear). "any day now!!", she'd say. Those words still ring in my ears.

 

I love my mother VERY much and in many ways she is an amazing woman. Most of these things she's said and done to me were a result of her heavy drinking.

 

I love my mother for QUITTING drinking when I told her it was tearing me up inside. I think that her actions here were worthy of forgiveness. However, I still carry deep insecurities about my appearance and worth and it does affect my relationships with others to this day.

 

 

ahhh that felt good

[redrose85]

I'm angry at my mother for making me feel guilty for being angry. She always did everything right, and she was a fantastic mother for the most part. Very very domestic. She always encouraged us to just do our best, took us to our many sports and after school activities, made dinner from scratch every night, baked fresh bread, taught me how to keep a garden, etc... everything a mother should do. But, I am angry at her for being passive, for splitting up with my dad and having NO idea how badly it would affect the whole family, and for announcing their divorce right before my birthday. I'm angry that she has so blatantly chosen her new husband over her family, and that she hides behind him, and I can't even see the person she used to be. She used to be my role model, but I have lost so much respect for her, and I am angry that she gave up on me, and let her husband take over our home and family. She let him take over and turn my life upside down. I was never a bad kid, I never really got into trouble, but after he moved in, I was treated like a criminal. I'm angry that she drove me to leave, and sacrifice years of my life. Mostly, I'm angry that she compares me negatively to my dad, and maintains a pseudo-relationship with me, in which she sends me impersonal birthday cards, etc. Not sure why she bothers anymore.

[cryingeyez]

i am not mad at my mother. I only felt like i was really mad a tgod for a long time for taking her from me. she died when I was 14. she died of cancer. that left me with my dad, he is such an * * * we dont speak. he has never told me he loves me, uncompassionate, selfish, not caring at all. i wished it were him that had to die instead of her.

[Dilly]

I am angry at my mom for loads of things... but as I've gotten older, I realize I have control over my life and I enable her to make me angry. When I was young, I didn't really appreciate her temper tantrums - they made me feel unstable and scared. When I got older, I appreciated her pride, the pride she had in me to be the best I can be, the way she cried for me (smiling big) when I ran all those races and crossed all those finish lines and she was possibly my biggest fan. But that pride was my friend when I had her support and my enemy when she didn't agree with the direction I had chosen. Being pregnant - she has advised me on so many things and I am angry with her relentless approach, but I have equipped myself with the knowledge that she can be a danger to my mental health when we don't agree on things and an assett when we do. So when we don't agree, I have to shut her off if her feedback is in fact unwise or take it into consideration if it is wise, but then, discount he relentless energy to persuade me if it isn't advice I choose to take.

 

I'm scared to death of being a mom. I'm a bit of a doormat, well full-fledged, but I do stand up for myself, often when it's too late, and I don't want to grow up with my child seeing me getting bent out of shape by people that walk all over me. I'm growing a spine and I'm going to try to be a good mom, one that lets my child make his or her own decisions, but not without hearing my counsel.

 

I got to know a girl in high school whose mother was her best friend. She was a lovely person and her family was incredible to me. I want to be like the Smalley's and really offer that kind of love and stability. I'm glad they served as a surrogate family for me because I think they will help me in so many ways to see how parenting should be done.

 

My mom and dad are good people that aren't proud of all of my choices. I don't hate them. I do occasionally try to protect myself from them, when I feel they are getting too involved. But in all honesty, anyone would insert themselves into my life if armed with all the infomation I have offered.

[NKP]

How can you hate your mother so bad all of yous. People makes mistakes but everyone deserves to be forgiven, plus hate is a really strong 4 letter word. I do agree some mothers really do screw up but if they are really sorry hy should be forgiven. No one is perfect i know for a fact i sure as hell isnt, everyone makes mistakes. I know if my mother were to die i would want my last words to her, i love you mom, if i had a hugh figh with her be for she died and didnt get a chance to say sorry i would never forgive myself

[TheRedQueen]

How can you hate your mother so bad all of yous. People makes mistakes but everyone deserves to be forgiven, plus hate is a really strong 4 letter word. I do agree some mothers really do screw up but if they are really sorry hy should be forgiven. No one is perfect i know for a fact i sure as hell isnt, everyone makes mistakes. I know if my mother were to die i would want my last words to her, i love you mom, if i had a hugh figh with her be for she died and didnt get a chance to say sorry i would never forgive myself

You are right in acknowledging that hate is a strong four letter word for it truly is a terrible and toxic emotion, but nevertheless it exists. When a child is thrust into this world by a psychopath posing as a parent, where he/she is forced to endure daily abuse from the one or ones who are supposed to, or rather obliged to, support, nurture, or at the very least love him/her, it would come as no surprise at all that this child would experience confusion, despair and hatred along with a whole bunch of other "negative" emotions.

[sonjam]

I totally agree that HATE is a very strong word to use, and that is why I used angry. Thing is: I'm sure we all love our mothers regardless of the mistakes they made, they are humans after all and nobody is perfect, but you have to also deal with the emotions that goes along with it. Expressing your anger at the things that went wrong goes a long way in healing from it, and finding peace and resolving issues.

[shes2smart]

My .02 on "hate."

 

Some people think hate is the opposite of love. However, both are strong emotions that involve some sort of passion (not necessarily a sexual passion, but passion meaning intense feelings), so both hate and love have that commonality. If you feel hate or love, you still feel SOMETHING very strongly, and you are expending your emotional energy on the person or thing you love or hate.

 

When I was reading "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, I was first introduced the concept that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference (which he also refers to as laziness in the book). His reasoning goes along the lines of: love is something you do -- you make the effort and/or take actions because you have this strong feeling for a person or thing and you call this feeling "love." The same could be said about hate, although the efforts undertaken when fueled by hate tend to be negative actions.

 

With indifference, you DON'T make any sort of effort because you don't have enough passion/strong feeling to make taking any action worth your while. Your indifference is a statement that expending your emotional energy on that person isn't worth your time, energy or effort.

 

So, with all that in mind, I refer back to my original post on this thread:

 

I don't hate my parents. It's not worth the effort on my part. I think anyone who claims to hate their parents still has enough feeling toward them that (assuming all parties are alive) there's a basis to repair/improve those relationships. But when all one feels is indifference (or occasionally pity), there is absolutely nothing to build a relationship on. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Years ago. I wouldn't have the peace of mind I do if I hadn't. But allow them to be an active part of my life after all that? No, thanks....I'll pass.

[southerngirl]

How can you hate your mother so bad all of yous. People makes mistakes but everyone deserves to be forgiven, plus hate is a really strong 4 letter word. I do agree some mothers really do screw up but if they are really sorry hy should be forgiven. No one is perfect i know for a fact i sure as hell isnt, everyone makes mistakes. I know if my mother were to die i would want my last words to her, i love you mom, if i had a hugh figh with her be for she died and didnt get a chance to say sorry i would never forgive myself

 

My mother is dead. She was gone 2 years ago.

 

She was not sorry for what she did, she thought I was crazy.

 

For the years of emotional and physical abuse I am angry.

 

Im angry that she is gone now.

 

I go from that to missing her like crazy. I dont even know how I feel, I wouldnt say I hate her.

 

But you know what? Sometimes a child goes through abuse and I am 28 years old and finally free from it. It may take me many more years before I am no longer angry.

[italianboots]

Im upset with my mom because after I helped her get the divorce papers all set up and supported her, she still did not divorce my dad, even though he has made her life a living hell for the last 24 years. She is so strong and has dealth with so much, I cant believe she would let me down.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I agree with shes2smart.

 

lost&broken: My mother has never been, and will likely never be, sorry. I don't hate her all the time-most of the time I simply don't care. She never did anything for me that she wasn't legally forced to do and I don't intend to do anything I'm not legally forced to do for her.

[krissbrown]

I dont hate but I am angry and pissed at her. I will tell you why briefly. She is a people pleaser, lets everyone walk all over her and treat her like garbage, does anything anyone asks of her, never stand up for herself, never says no. Puts other people before me and my siblings- we are LAST. Never sides with me. Kisses the feet of my cousins and wives who treat her like garbage and insult me, she never says anything to them and allows the abuse to go on. Because she says "thats my family"

Makes believe she is from a wonderful decent family with no problems. The truth is she is from a highly dysfunctional and abusive family and was married to a verbally abusive and mentally disturbed man who she stayed with and nursed just because she has to pretend shes normal and perfect. Divorcing is for abnormal people so she stayed with him to pretend. She also made me pretend that everything was normal , i was never allowed to have friends over, etc because they would see my father and the the whole neighborhood would talk about us. Funny thing is they already were.

She also answers questions about herself and about me to every person that asks her.

 

Just this week she tells me a neighbour shes not close with whos in her 20s invited her to a wedding thats very far away. She has no car. The lady that was supposed to take her cancelled. So now she is going with an ex-neigbour and his mistress. The mistress made it clear she doesnt want her going, but she let the bride push her into taking my mom and can you believe my Mom says yes? Shes going to be the only older person there without a date and all these people get drunk-their in their 20s and she tells me she does not know how she will get back home. I told her why are you going, this is crazy? She says because I said I would and the bride wants me there..

 

Can you say STUPID?

[lilly604]

i am quite happy to about my mother at this particular moment in my life and i encourage all others to let go. i have never done this before and i cannot tell you how physically ill this blod clot has made me lately

[lilly604]

be strong, believe in yourselves. life is so short and i believe we should glean all the joy we can from each and every moment.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I strongly and passionately don't like (hate) the person my mother is. I love her as a human who has a life and (albeit a miserable) existence on this planet. I don't wish her gone - well, yes, I do, but I have to say I don't so I won't feel guilty. But truth be told, I would feel lighter and would breath easier if she were not here, anywhere on this planet.

 

Sorry if that makes me evil.