Why do you hate your mother?

[Rosie007]

Oh, and for the record, I hate my mother because:

 

She won't take care of herself, and this lack of self-care impacts me.

 

She's self-centered and mean-spirited.

 

She won't be honest with herself, or anyone really.

 

She wants to hold me hostage.

 

 

My current situation is about a month ago, I went to Pennsylvania for a visit. For the entire weekend my mother told me how she's a senior citizen being abused -- by my unemployed brother and his wife. I made a list of everything she told me, call social services, told them what she said. I also said my mother, who's been abused her entire life, is unlikely to substantiate my claims (her claims, actually), because she's afraid.

 

After I talked to social services, I called my mother -- probably a mistake -- to alert her of my action. I told her this was her opportunity to take care of herself once and for all, or she could live the remainder of her days as an abused person. I explained all her options: stay in her home and kick my brother out; stay in her home and set strict limits for my brother and his family. I also said that I was willing to get a place that would have a large yard for her dogs, and separate living quarters for her.

 

I say it was a mistake to tell my mother, because this gave my brother and his wife the chance to clean up the pigsty of a house they live in -- along with my four-year-old niece -- which would have been immediate evidence of some of the problems I reported: unsanitary living conditions.

 

True to form, my mother protected my brother, her current abuser, and got angry at me for speaking up. When my father used to beat my mother, she turned to me, a little girl, for protection. My brother told me after my father died that I used to stand up to my father on their behalf. I was shocked to learn that I'd blocked these memories. I was then approx. 9 years sober, in therapy for years, and *still* I had untapped memories of abuse.

 

I don't believe my brother has raised his hand to my mother, but he's 6'3" and 450 pounds and he has a volcanic temper that he turns on everyone. My brother has never sought therapy, choosing to self medicate with food and possibly still smoking pot. When his then girlfriend, now wife, became pregnant, I begged my brother to enter therapy so he wouldn't do to his family what was done to us. But he refused.

 

I'm now the so-called black sheep of the family ... because I got sane, got sober, and refused to engage in their insanity ... and it can hurt not to have a family behind me. Fortunately I have my chosen family of beloved friends, plus my fellow alcoholics in AA, and that has made all the difference in the world.

 

I can live with being the black sheep. In many ways, I welcome the limited contact with my family, who's never truly been behind me in the first place.

 

-Rosie

 

p.s. I'll also acknowledge my mother's best piece of advice here: She said there are too many good books in this world to waste time reading something I'm not enjoying.

[Hazelnut56]

Rosie,

 

I completely agree with what you said about expressing anger.

 

This thread is helping exorcizing our demons, how on earth could it "suck"?

 

Wish you all the love back

[penelope74]

i love my mother, as a disclaimer.

 

but, what angered me as a child and hurts me as an adult is that she was always emotionally distant from me. she never wants to hear a thing i have to say - it's like she tunes me out. i am one of many kids, and i suffer from middle-child syndrome. i feel like she could never pay attention to me because she was always dealing with trouble from my older sister or raising my younger sister. i got lost in the middle and she never noticed.

[Kibbie]

I Hate my mom because no matter what I did it was never good enough. I hate my mother b/c I am her scapgoat. My father was until they got divorced and he moved out. Now, everything that goes wrong is blamed on me. She is abusive and plays favorites. To her, my brother and sister do no wrong. She refuses to accept the fact that she treats me SOOOOO MUCH different than my other siblings. I hate her because she tells me it is all in my head...I hate her for not taking responsibility for ruining our relationship and for never wanting to meet me half- way. I hate her for making me think it is all in my head... I have finally realized upon moving out of my mother's house, that she was the reason for my unhappiness... and my misery....maybe sometime in the far future I will not hate her but right now, right this second...I hate my mom.

[CaptainPlanet]

My mother once at the last tim tam and left the packet in the fridge. Then she forced me to watch the gilmore girls.

[vinnee]

I hate my mother for choosing, well everyone EVER, over my needs. I hate that she knowingly allowed my step father to terrorize me for 5 years out of the fear of having another fatherless child and then when he took off, trying to claim their break up was to put an end to his abuse of me. I hate that shortly after he left, she began to beat me out of resentment. I hate how she never once tried to talk to me about things instead of just jumping to violence. I hate that the insurance policy my grandparents started for me that could've gone towards college was instead used to buy her freeloading fat boyfriend a truck. I hate how any help around the house was my duty and the idea that my brother might be able to chip in at all was never explored. I hate how any shared family activity automatically excluded me as a rule to the extent that I would be locked out of the room and have to hear them enjoying themselves and laughing. I hate how food items would be locked away for anyone BUT me even though she is overweight and I never have had a problem maintaining my weight in anyway. I hate how my brothers interests and accomplishments are a big deal to her while any event in my life is too big of a hassle to be a part of. I hate how judgmental she is of everyone. I hate how so obviously has absolutely no respect for women and will loudly rant about women in front of people she knows are misogynistic to gain their approval. I hate that she can say the most hurtful things and then turn around and claim she would never say such a thing.

Whew!

[Decado]

i have to say this: "what a b***h"

[Mysterygirl]

i hate my mother for never validating my feelings

i hate my mother for constantly disrespecting me

i hate my mother for never believing anything i tell her

i hate my mother for being so judgmental towards me

 

i hate my mother because she hates me!

[annie93]

I hate my mother for making me feel defective as a child.

 

I hate my mother for her constant disapproval, and for wanting me to be something I'm not.

 

I hate her because she used to mimic me in this hateful voice when I was FIVE YEARS OLD!

 

I hate her for being uninteresting uninspiring, and a mediocre role model.

 

I hate her for not setting any boundaries or discipline for my sister and I, leaving us to more or less raise ourselves.

 

I hate her for taking out her anger on my sister and I because its easy, and because she can.

 

I hate her for caring more about what other people think than what we feel.

 

I hate her for refusing to read me my favorite books when I was a kid, then reading them all to my sister a few years later.

 

I hate her for not caring at all about her appearance, and being ugly, wrinkly and having stupid hair.

 

I hate her for being a spoiled white South African * * * * *, and then calling me a spoiled brat.

 

I hate her for not having the guts to stand up to my dad, even when she disagrees with him.

 

I hate how when my dad bought her a 2000 dollar pearl necklace, she responded "oh its only one strand, but thank you anyway"

 

I hate her for nagging and * * * * *ing at me all the time, sometimes before I've even gotten out of bed.

[annie93]

I hate because when I was sunk in a deep depression, she made me feel as if I was just being lazy, and that if I cleaned my room everything would be alright, despite the fact that she WORKS with depressed teenagers.

 

I hate her for being so desperate to please strangers.

 

I hate her from discouraging me from trying things that I want to try.

 

I hate that when I told her I was suicidal, she didn't acknowledge me, and went back to screaming and * * * * *ing at me that afternoon.

 

I hate her for not noticing that I was half blind until I was twelve years old and couldn't see the blackboard at school.

 

I hate her because I want to tell her shes an ugly, shriveled stupid haglike * * * *, but I can't.

 

and I hate her for thinking she can get away with it all.

[annie93]

and I feel guilty already....

[Alwayssad]

I'm angry at my mom for being a terrible mom.

For all the criticizing all the arguing.For making

me feel like crap and crying and then saying get over

it and walking away.For idolizing my brother and playing

favorites so I felt I was never good enough.For constantly

starting arguments over little things.For being a complete

Liar.Yet mostly I'm angry

at her for making me bitter and miserable my whole life

[post female eunuch]

Have you tried the following book: When You and YOur Mother Can't be Friends by Victoria Secunda. I've just checked on Amazon to see if its still available - it is and, no surprise to me, gets a 6/6 in review. Read it years ago now, 'pre-www', and passed it on to a neighbour (with kids), who locked herself in the toilet to get the space to not put it down until finished.

It can't solve your problems (you know that) but its a good 'mirroring' resource. BTW: I got it in my local library....

Hang in there, all of you.

Remember, I mind.

[beauty21]

I hate my mother because she called me a crack-head b**ch when I lost weight from being stressed out from being in an abusive relationship. She didn't take the time to sit with me and talk and cry with me when I needed her to.

 

I hate my mother because she told me I should have kept my legs closed, when I learned I had HPV. She made me feel dirty. She still never talked with me about sex. She told my other family and my father when that is something that should have been kept between me and her.

 

I hate my mother because she kicked me out when I defended myself when I heard her tell my father I wasn't important. And she allowed him to push and choke me all the way to the door.

 

I hate my mother because she was never at any of my dance competitions when I needed the support. But she went to all my sister's basketball names, her and my father.

 

I hate my mother because she is so mean at times for no reason. And she yells and at me because she knows I will immediately cry. When I was young she picked on me because I was sensitive and she used it to her advantage.

[Celadon]

I don't hate my mother. I love her, but there are sometimes I get so angry at her that I have to leave the room. Actually, I feel sad over it. After all these years, she still refuses to pay attention to who I am. She treats me like "generic child." She thinks parenting means "telling your child what to do." She doesn't know me as a person. One of my strongest-held values -- that I've had FOREVER -- is spare living. I HATE having more stuff than is necessary. If I buy something, I throw something else out or give something away.

 

But what does she do EVERY time I visit? Try to offload some of her junk on me. She buys TONS of stuff and then tries to "give" it to me. I don't want her junk. I don't want ANYTHING from her. I don't want appliances, I don't want leftover food, I don't want a box of cereal that I won't ever eat. Every time she does it, it just makes it more painfully obvious that she has no idea who her daughter is as a person. And she doesn't want to know. And that makes me flipping angry. And despite seeing me get angry, she still doesn't get it. She still thinks she can tell me what I need and when I need it.

 

The last time she did that, I was tempted to throw the stuff out my car window as I drove home. I was THAT mad.

[Killasasparilla]

For only being a mother when it suits her.

[NKP]

For kicking me out and turning her back on me when i had no where to go

[selkie]

[redrose85]

I can't really bring myself to hate my mother, because she's not the type of person that you can actually hate. She's just...weak. She was strong for us only for as long as she had to be, then when a man came into the picture after the divorce, she changed. She let him take over and he wound up driving me out of my own home. She's just too passive, and he's a jerk. He loves her of course, but doesn't like kids. Even now, when I call their house (once in a blue moon) he is really rude to me and talks to me like I'm some sort of deviant. But, I'm 22 and living my own life now. If she chooses to come around, I'll be here. If not, screw it.

[emailas]

I don't hate my mother...but I seriously dislike her at the moment...enough to be indifferent and apathetic when it come to her emotions.

I resent her saying she deserves more than to have a daughter like me and for wishing out loudly infront of my cousins that she lucked out on having daughters like them, for not acknowledging anything I have achieved in my life (including my first pay cheque, my first house, my masters degree), for nothing ever being good enough, for telling me i can't buy her love when i give her presents, for not attending my wedding, for making an overseas trip to where I am- only to stay with relatives and insist to not be alone with me incase i "upset her", for behaving like the victim in front of everyone, but being aggressive when we are alone, for manipulating and consequently jeopardising other close relationships I have with extended family members, for constantly comparing me with my brother, for telling me she wished I'd never been born... I resent her for how through self pity, she manages to drag everyone down to her level, and for never, ever doubting that she could ever be wrong.

most of all , i resent her for the person I become, when I am around her. This may sound stupid, but I have found that the only way I can love her is from a distance.

[WaterIsLife]

I don't hate my mother, I love her dearly.

 

But I wish she had been able to quit the cigarettes that ultimately claimed her life.

 

To those of you who "hate" their mothers: Be careful, you may find you have much less time left with her than you think. Don't look back and only see feelings of hate. Feelings like that serve no one.

[selkie]

Your the daughter of a histrionic Narcissist. Good for you for being strong and not her doormat.

She can't control you, that's why she has so much venom towards you.

Keeping your distance is your only key to sanity.

[emailas]

Your the daughter of a histrionic Narcissist. Good for you for being strong and not her doormat.

She can't control you, that's why she has so much venom towards you.

Keeping your distance is your only key to sanity.

dear selkie,

 

funny (or not so) you say that- I have had a few other friends say the same..thanks for the words of advice!

[princess_summer_blue84]

I don't hate my mom! At times I don't like her but other than that I Love my mom very much!

[15 Storeys High]

I hate my mother because she stood by and watched, never returned the favour and eventually joined in.