Why do you hate your mother?

[taurobolium]

I'm not committing to the hated of her, but

 

I hate the fact that she came to me with all of her marriage troubles when I was in grade one and two, sobbing about how she intended to leave her marriage, and never doing a goddamn thing about it, ever... then she'd hug me and say what a great little counselor I was, but that just made me feel used.

 

I hated having a mental breakdown at a young age as a result of her B.S., and being forced to go on anti-depressant drugs during my teenage years.

 

I hate the fact that she pu**ied out when my father dared me to commit suicide. I hate the fact that she rewards that infant of hers for all of his stupidity.

 

I hated seeing the way the anti-depressants would make her act, like a hollowed-out witch, doing things blindly and mechanically. I hate the fact that I was her crutch, just like I was my father's crutch -- something to abuse to get through their own lives. She stuck it out in the marriage to make it easier on herself, acting like we all had to carry her cross in life, because it was the christian thing to do. I hate the fact that all of my indebtedness towards her came to nothing, and now she acts like I'm the one using her, because of the trouble I'd had getting my own life started.

 

I hate her lack of a backbone, and her willingness to act the part of a leader in this family, when there is none. I hate reading notes about her own goddamn fears, which are hers alone to deal with. I hate the fact that she thinks her fears are just family rules that will do me some good. I hate the fact that she is a cold tactician who only acts out 'tough love'. I hate her selective memory, and her willingness to edit her role out of everything.

 

17 years after she first came to me panic-stricken, asking for marriage advice from me in grade school, she tried to grow a spine, and failed. When my father lost $10,000 in some kind of gamble at the bank, she finally decided to separate, then she whined and sobbed, (about why she didn't do it 20 years ago, or before she got married) stressing me out even more afterwards. She committed to the emotional separation of the marriage, but never the physical dissolution of it. She lives for nice things, and is prepared to suffer through the lie of her marriage in order to get them. She loves my father just as an abstract masculine symbol, and she makes me too sick to entertain the thought of a relationship at all. She's contributed to my lack of respect for people in general, and if she doesn't do something about it, I will hate her for the rest of my natural life.

[PhilliesFan001]

I don't hate my mom. I love her - she's a beautiful, kind, loving person and she did the best she could with me. Throughout my childhood, I never questioned her feelings for me.

 

But I have a lot of pent up anger with her. I'm angry that she married a man who would later going on to abuse me; I'm angry she didn't put a stop to it when she could have. I'm angry that years later, she got into another abusive relationship (which she's still in) and is too blinded to see how unhealthy it is. I'm angry that she pushes this man on me. I'm angry that she's let him take over our home to the point where I no longer feel like I belong there. I'm angry that she exposed me to a lot of bad people in my life that I couldn't get away from.

 

Everyone has flaws, one of my mother's is that she's attracted to bad men that she wants to fix. It's fine if that's her own problem, but as a child this meant I had an alcoholic/slight deadbeat for a father, a sexually inappropriate 2nd father figure, and now, an emotionally abusive alcoholic man living with us. I'm an adult now and moving out shortly, thank god, but living with her has not always been the easiest. I often felt, throughout my childhood/teen years, that I was exposed to too many of my mom's problems and had to handle things I shouldn't have.

 

Despite that anger I have, I do love her and I try not to hold it against her because besides that, she is a truly wonderful person and mother. I just have a lot of frustration I guess, which I've never talked to her about.

[bearskittie]

i do and i dont hate my mother

1. i hate her for all the nasty abusive things she has ever done to me since age 11.

2. i dont hate my mother for trying to correct some of her wrong doings with me.

[daisy_chain]

I also do not hate my mother. But I do have some pent up anger issues regarding her.

 

I am angry that my mom always turns her problems around and ends up blaming them on me. I am upset that she is resentful towards me for being "successful" because she does not consider herself as such. I wish that she did not hold all the nice things she does for others over their heads as if kind acts prevent criticism or disagreement. I hate being unable to disagree with her. I hate that she shames me and makes me feel like a bad person unless I do things "her way."

 

I wish that she would accept me for who I am. And I wish so badly that I could accept who she is without causing conflict. I hate feeling like a terrible daughter and a terrible person in general, and I wish I could flip the switch to make myself perfect.

 

I think I feel worse now. I think I did it wrong.

 

Edit Hey, I thought of more. I hate how she always seems to treasure physical objects more than her family.

 

And I'm very resentful towards the fact that when I was considering ending my long term relationship with my boyfriend, and when I decided to go to her first, that she told me to stick out the relationship. She decided that he was a good guy and I should not break up with him. Months later, when I realized that sham of a relationship had to end, she took his side. I did not feel like I had her support at all, but when I so much as disagree with her, I am a terrible, craaaaazy person. ....Ok....NOW I feel a little better.

[daisy_chain]

Hey Hopelives! I know this is a bunch of pages back, but I wanted to point out that your son is only 18! These are all very petty reasons to hate someone, and I doubt they'll stick. Hopefully, in a few years he will realize all the good and wonderful things you've done for him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I love my mother and this thread makes me sad a little. I know it's about hating...but I want to tell my mother here that I love her with all my heart and thank her for always being there for me, loving me and teaching me to be a good person.

[lostnscared]

I love my mother and this thread makes me sad a little. I know it's about hating...but I want to tell my mother here that I love her with all my heart and thank her for always being there for me, loving me and teaching me to be a good person.

 

I agree. I can't imagine hating my mother. Yes she disappoints me at times, but I love her vrey much and can't imagine life without her in it.

[Haiku]

I don't hate my mom. She's done her best for me. I don't like her choices sometimes, but she's tried her best. There are two things that I don't know if I can forgive her for:

I hate that she taught me to be scared of people. I hate that when I was very young she exposed me to how ugly and cruel the world can be.

[Imprecision]

A mother's instinct is to protect her child, but every child grows up eventually. If a mother is overprotective, then the child may feel that she is inhibiting his growth. In addition - A little kindness creates gratitude, but a great kindness creates hatred. Our mothers gave us life and raised us. Our gratitude toward them can never be repaid. Yet we would like to think that we are independent - This is part of growing up. Therefore, we create unreasonable expectations as justifications for disliking them. This way, we can justify to ourselves pushing our mothers away. Hence, the problem usually does not lie with our mothers, but with us and our inability to accept our inability to pay back their gifts.

 

"As a child, a person loves his parents. As he grows older, he loves beautiful women. After that, he loves his wife and his children. This is natural for most people. A person who has true filial piety, however, will love his parents all his life."

[shandi]

I don't know if this is due to my unreasonable expectations but somtimes I really hate my mother for:

 

1. For never letting me see my father or his family.

2. For telling me my father was adopted so I wouldn't seek out his family.

3. For telling me I had a twin sister who died.

4. For being a stripper when I was little.

5. For taking drugs and losing all of us to Child Protective Services.

6. For hitting me.

7. For transporting me 300 miles in the back of a dark U-Haul trailer.

8. For telling me that the Devil was in our bathroom mirror.

9. For attempting suicide.

 

I love her now. It takes an incredible amount of love to forgive.

[red_sky_girl]

i agree that some mothers have not been good mother to their childrens, but hey mothers are human beings too...besides it is so sad to hear here that many of you hate their moms....of course my mom makes me feel so upset sometimes but she is a great women...i dont like some caracteristics or habits she has but shes the most caring mother of the universe and she has done the best for me, according to her way...she has always been there for me...

 

it is said that we can know we are mature enough when we finally go to our parents and tell them : '' you know what, besides everything else, i just love you for who you are''.....

 

i hope i can come to this point one day, to love them just as they are...

[shandi]

More than anything, I hate feeling guilty for hating her. You're supposed to love your mother. It's a sin to say something negative about her. I hate that I can't tell anyone... still... after all these years. What a horrible thing to say.

 

No one understands the pain from neglect or abuse induced PTSD and reactive attachment disorder. It's not just a matter of getting over it. It's still there in the middle of the night when you wake from night terrors, when you still feel abandoned and unworthy of love, when you think everything will be okay if you can just be good enough... if you can just be perfect.

 

And the worse, is thinking that you will repeat the same mistakes with your children. When you lie awake at night worrying that you've screwed them up too because you weren't good enough to have children of your own.

[rhawk2]

I don't have a legitimate mom but I have a stepmom....she'll do:

i hate her because she made me hate myself

i hate her because she's crazy and everyone but me tolerates her

i hate her because she has my dad's balls gripped so tightly he won't even stand up for me

i hate her because she turned my sister's against me

i hate her because she's hurting my sisters by keeping them away from their 87 year old grandma

i hate her because she's never liked me as much as my other siblings

i hate her because she's never accepted me

i hate her because she hates me

i hate her because she made my dad stop speaking to me because he "favored me over the other children"

i hate her because she points the finger at eveyone else "playing favorites" but she lives day-to-day playing favorites.

grr. when i was 14 I posted I hope she died on her way home from Walmart. I still hope she does. 6 years later...

[mady4life]

I cannot agree with you %100 as I hate my mother and it does not concern me if she stays or not. When an individual hates what should be loved there are strong reasons behind it; and it does not have anything to do with being off base.

[prettymommy]

I certainly don't hate my mother, but there is one thing that just drives me up the wall with her, to the point that I often shut down any conversations I have with her, or quickly change topics. I have never told anyone what bothers me so much about talking to her, b/c I feel bad about it, and don't want her to think I don't love her. And talking to her about it is moot, as any time she is critizied she takes it so very personally, gets offended, and starts in with days of silent treatment.

 

Anyways, the thing that annoys me most about my mother is:

 

She always has to "one up" me and everyone she talks to.

 

For instance: I recently traveled abroad to a place that has extremely high altitude. Like, you can get AMS as soon as you arrive, which I did for about a day.

 

My Mom looked me in the face and told me she knows exactly what I was talking about; that she had suffered from AMS too when she was in Europe.

 

Mind you, there is no town in western Europe that is about 10,000 ft (which is when AMS kicks in), and the the highest peaks in western Europe only reach about 15-15K.

 

And yes, I researched all that info after my Mom looked me in the face and said that. I knew she was talking out of her a$$, and was only claiming to have suffered from AMS. It made me so mad, as I couldn't even own one single individual life experience to myself.

 

When she constantly compares her life experiences to mine or others, I feel like she is not allowing me or other's to have our own life stories. When I got back from my trip abroad and started telling my mother and father about it, my Mom kept constantly interupting me with facts SHE had read about the places I travelled to, as if she knew more about it than me. I eventually just stopped talking about the trip I had just returned from, b/c I felt like she was trying to upstage me or something.

 

Similarly, when she is talking in conversation with people, she often brings up places where she has been.... "oh, when I was in Norway..." "or when my husband and I sailed the Danube..."

 

Even this summer. My brother brought back his girlfriend to visit- the first time he has ever brought someone home to met the family. His girlfriend is from a foreign country- one my mother has never been to. And my mother, trying to relate to his girlfriend, constantly was talking about things she "knew" about her country. I hate that. It's like me saying I know all about the what it's like in Brazil or something, having never visited there or even feigned an interest in going there. But what she didn't realize was that she was actually saying some very insulting things about some of the more well-known people from my brother's gf's country. I eventually said something to shut down the conversation, as I was getting embarressed, which of course insulted my mother, and caused her to not talk to me for the rest of the evening. She couldn't let it go.

 

When you do try to discuss something with her or show her something, if she has no knowledge of it, or can't relate it to her life, she isn't interested and makes it quite apparent in her body language. For instance, was showing her photos of my trip. She couldn't have feigned less interest...

 

Similarly, she gets offended if any of us in the family voice interests/opinions different of her own. My father and I like to do adventure travel. My Mom wants to be holed up in a luxury hotel. She gets defensive if we just gently question her about other places that maybe she would be interested in traveling to, or other things she would like to do. Same with view points- my family follows basketball, and we are fans of the Lakers and Kobe Bryant. She tells us she can't believe we like Kobe and that he is a rapist, and when we even gently try to defend our views (like, yes Mom, sometimes girls DO set up men and yes, some women do falsely claim rape), she gets so horribly mad, makes a snippy comment, and and walks out of the room and goes silent for the rest of the day.

 

It's hard. I love my mother and want to have a close relationship with her, but communicating with her is like walking a tight rope. You have to be very careful about what you say, and how you say it, and you have to always let her be the center of attention.

 

It makes me sad too. Sometimes I think she suffers from horrible self-esteem if she feels she has to always behave this way.

[nikkinoodles]

I mostly love my mother, but I hate that she used to make me feel subconcious by always poking at any bit of fat or saying I looked fat in something I wore, and I also hate that she felt she had to approve of what I was wearing before we went out (which ended in rows 30mins before going out, everytime). I think she contributed to the low self esteem I suffered.

[BellaDonna]

I haven't posted in this thread in years. I don't hate my mother but she flakes out all the time and it is EXTREMELY annoying. I don't have a mother I can truly count on for anything. She is very immature. Her drama on facebook is also embarassing and annoying. She's be the last person I'd turn to for advice or to lean on. She doesn't even truly care what goes on in my life. Even when I was in college she'd ask me a questions about my classes and space out as I gave her the answer. She just asked for the sake of it and didn't really care. She just goes through the social motions but doesn't feel deeply about anything. She is always trying to draw attention to herself.

 

I'm sure it could be worse but sometimes I feel very aggravated by her.

[angr]

i dont hate her, i just wish she wasnt here at times so i can just live my life. she controls me and doesn't realize my age when she looks at me she sees a child i will be driving soon she needs to stop. i cant wear makeup and even make food that i want. im not allowed to talk to guys never mind having a relationship i really do hate her at times anything good i have she trys and destroys it because i dont like her as much as i would like a teacher or a friend i just wish she would understand how i feel. i hate the way she acts she acts like a child i hate her personality the person she was brought up to be!!!!

[BriarRose]

I don't hate her, I just wish she had been a more nurturing individual. I am not sure if we can ever fully recover 100% when we have had a cold and distant mother.

[Moontiger]

I don't hate my mother but I do HATE how she is treating my father, how she will not admit she needs help, and how because of her action I was lead down a path of depression that I didnt even know I was in for 3 years.

[Stress]

I HATE my mother for staying with my stepfather after knowing he was molesting me when I was a kid and pre-teen. Then acting like she forgot about it now, and gets mad when I bring it up. I HATE her for referring to him as my dad always and not understanding why Im so mad. I HATE MY MOTHER. Same rule applies "spermdoners are deadbeat dads, eggholders are deadbeat moms" takes a real woman to be a mother/takes a real man to be a father...same thing,,,hate my mother

[loneliestever]

prettymommy, it does sound like your mom is desperate for other people's approval, she might think so poorly of herself that she feels she can never make a mistake or be wrong about anything.

It must be difficult to always have to try so hard to come accross as something she is not. The strange thing is they only seem to seek acceptance from certain people and completely disregard others to the point of being very rude to them.

 

I guess I don't really have any advice, except maybe that you should try not take it personally when she does those things because it's probably just related so her own issues and there's nothing anybody can do to change her.

[novem]

I hate my mother because she is the greatest hypocrite I ever knew. She does not know how to love or how to live or how to listen. She was a bully, who later played the victim when someone began to stand up for themselves in the only way they had learned in the family. A violent, angry bully who should never have been allowed to care for a vulnerable child. If what she did to me happened in 2010 she would be in serious trouble. But today she is post-menopause, mellowed with age and seems most people see her as a sweet old lady. Wearing the facade of being a caring person very well, as always.

[mintblossom]

I don't like her because she is mean, hurtful, cold, blames, shames, and guilts me. I don't deserve to be treated like this. She is a bad mother.

[PeaceSeeking]

I HATE my mother for staying with my stepfather after knowing he was molesting me when I was a kid and pre-teen. Then acting like she forgot about it now, and gets mad when I bring it up. I HATE her for referring to him as my dad always and not understanding why Im so mad. I HATE MY MOTHER. Same rule applies "spermdoners are deadbeat dads, eggholders are deadbeat moms" takes a real woman to be a mother/takes a real man to be a father...same thing,,,hate my mother

 

I am SO VERY SORRY for what you are enduring. My mother did the same thing to me to and used it against me every chance she got to cover her dark deeds by blaming me for whatever it was. She would always preface it by "you know how she lied about this for years, well guess what the new lie is now". It hurt beyond words and I ended up walking away from my family after I tried to kill myself over it. I've been able to accomplish much of the work with children I could have never if I had ended my life and after many years, I realized that even if she apologized I could never trust her again. She lied about me every chance she got and my father beat me on top of it for "aggrevating my mother"?!?!?! The sooner you walk away from the insanity and get to know who you truly are, the more your life will mean to you as you realize all the power you have within it. Take care.