Why are Men Intimidated by Intelligent Women?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I was intimidated by how happy my GF was, all the time. Most of the time she is engaging and funny. Talk about intimidating. She can always just BE in the moment. How do you do that, without feeling intimidated?

Why wouldn't you be happy for her being happy? I don't see how someone being happy could cause you to be intimidated.

[TheRedQueen]

I've always been attracted to smart ladies, and also feel somewhat intimidated by them. It might seem a very unmasculine trait, but so is vanity. I often wonder if intimidation is a component of attraction.

 

Whatever... I like smart women.

 

You're so vain, I bet you think this thread is about you....

 

But on a more serious note Dako, I think you are right in wondering if intimidation might in fact actually be a component of attraction. When someone is intimidated by someone, or something, this intimidation triggers a feeling of anxiety, I tend to be comfortable in most social situations however, when I am in the company of someone whom I can't quite figure out, I experience a feeling of both anxiety and interest, intimidation and attraction.

 

Personally, everyone I've ever been attracted to I have also been somewhat intimidated of.

 

But then again this is coming from someone who is a thrill seeker, I could totally understand how for some, the opposite would be true, i.e. intimidation makes them run like hell

[charley]

But on a more serious note Dako, I think you are right in wondering if intimidation might in fact actually be a component of attraction. When someone is intimidated by someone, or something, this intimidation triggers a feeling of anxiety, I tend to be comfortable in most social situations however, when I am in the company of someone whom I can't quite figure out, I experience a feeling of both anxiety and interest, intimidation and attraction.

 

Personally, everyone I've ever been attracted to I have also been somewhat intimidated of.

 

But then again this is coming from someone who is a thrill seeker, I could totally understand how for some, the opposite would be true, i.e. intimidation makes them run like hell

Hi. RedQueen. What a beautiful, insightful post you've made. In fact, I think I even understand myself better now. Yes intimidation is a factor in attraction. Why else would I turn shy only around women I'm strongly attacted to? As for whether that makes a person go forward or run away, that depends on the person and the strength of the attraction-intimidation.

 

In my struggle with shyness in these situations, what I'm struggling to do when I try to overcome my shyness, is that I'm struggling to follow the attraction and not run away. An ongoing struggle.

 

My efforts at practicing saying "Hi" and talking to attractive women in store, library, on sidewalk, or wherever, are my mental excercises to try to toughen up so I won't get to shy and lose out on my next opportunity with a wonderful woman.

 

In the past I've done many shy things I kick myself for. I've had really wonderful women give me their phone numbers without my asking for it (when they realized I would never initiate). I got nervous and never called them. Other times I did call, but those were the women I was only moderately attracted to. The ones I was strongly attracted to just intimidated me to much.

 

I'm not just talking about strength of physical attraction here either. I'm also talking about brains, talent, personality, looks, etc. All are elements of attraction and intimidation for me.

 

I might never be aggressive enough to approach a woman without substantial encouragement from her, but I am sure that I can learn to cooperate more easily and more often when they're wanting me.

 

So yes. You are absolutely correct about attraction and intimidation going together like yin and yang. However, some kindness, outgoing behavior, and patient persistance from the lady does much to reduce my shyness. This is why I like kind, extrovert women. We are compatible.

 

I think I finally understand myself better. Thanks a bunch!

 

FYI - for anyone who doesn't know this, I'm obviously not shy in the written word, but I'm a part time writer as one of my job duties. I get a lot of writing practice and it's not the same as being face to face with an attractive woman. I'm not defining attractive as looks, but as the sum of all parts.

[need2bme]

Hi Butterfly - I was very happy to have her happy. What I meant, as my definition of intimidation leads me to believe, is that I come from a really dysfunctional world and while that is no excuse for anything, I still get uncomfortable and intimidated by her. The funny thing is I never used to, but she is really able to see the good in quite a few situations. I could at first, but then with ex-wife crud, ex-wife giving me a hard time about the kids. Out of work for a while...well I lost that feeling. I am trying to get it back now.

 

I just started worrying about too many little things.

 

Anyway, back on the subject. I was simply saying that I think attitude and pesonality can make you intimidated, as well.

 

On a side note, even though she tried to help everyone, she cannot talk about her feelings. She might get worked up about something and cry. She would say, "I cannot talk about it now". At first, I took it as her having a tender heart. Then, I thought it was a way to not talk to me, as she could talk to others. Now, I look at it as I want to make her feel comfortable enough to talk.

[shawn81]

May be because they fear..

[Pressfit]

Reasons men don’t want smart women?

 

Though I think this is too general of a statement to have any proof, and I don’t necessarily agree, there are indicators it is somewhat true from studies I have read. But I’m sure there are plenty of highly intelligent people get into relationships everyday with their like. Just as there are very good looking people who gravitate together.

 

Possibilities are assuming she does not just have an abrasive, aggressive personality and is a total turn-off. Stuck on herself thinking she is just too good and out to prove it by expounding on topics of little interest to anyone outside her field of academia.

 

#1) Generally thinking, younger men would not want high intelligence women because she is just too smart to get into bed? So I can see that age and motive would play a big role.

 

#2) Societal engrained factors and the propensity to retain superstitiously held beliefs is an extraordinarily strong force. Typically and often, highly educated women, especially in the hard engineering and science fields, ((which have been seen as male defined roles for decades)), are now viewed as being too aggressive and masculine by many men. Is it really any surprise? With women now outnumbering men in universities enrolled in MBA Graduate studies and other upper-level degree programs?

The same seems to go for women on the upper corporate world. High-level women managers appear to be complaining of this same problem.

 

So I think some of it it’s a disconnect between what is now going on in our society as opposed to what has gone on for most of the so called civilized world. Old habits and views sometimes die a really slow and difficult death.

As I have always thought, this is part of the “Fallout” of what’s been going on for the past 30 years.

 

But then I want to stress this is talking level of education… not intelligence.

High levels of education does not make one smart. It just exposes a person to information not normally aquired through everyday experiences.

[CarnelianButterfly]

#1) Generally thinking, younger men would not want high intelligence women because she is just too smart to get into bed? So I can see that age and motive would play a big role.

I agree and disagree with this. My intelligence in no way effects my horniness, I'm very interested in sex and often get distracted from my work because of a dirty wandering mind. I don't believe in having sex with random guys, which seems to be a deciding point of attraction for most young men. If a guy takes the time to get to know me and be in a relationship then I will probably be jumping his bones more than he can handle.

[ozomega]

Found an excellent article by relationship author Lisa Daily on this very point.

It's titled 'Are you too smart to date?"

 

The link is link removed

 

Enjoy!

[SarahRose]

Found an excellent article by relationship author Lisa Daily on this very point.

It's titled 'Are you too smart to date?"

 

The link is link removed

 

Enjoy!

 

Good article.

 

Could it mean that less intelligent would mean easier to control and less likely to leave him?

 

I think my bf likes that I'm smart but he says he wonders sometimes why I'm with him.

[SarahRose]

I agree and disagree with this. My intelligence in no way effects my horniness, I'm very interested in sex and often get distracted from my work because of a dirty wandering mind. I don't believe in having sex with random guys, which seems to be a deciding point of attraction for most young men. If a guy takes the time to get to know me and be in a relationship then I will probably be jumping his bones more than he can handle.

 

Definitely agree with that!

 

I'm very horny with my bf! lol

 

My personality is definitely not abrasive either. I'm pretty quiet and shy.

 

There are some pretty dumb people who are loud and abrasive!

[TheRedQueen]

I'm a woman, I'm intelligent and I'm loud.

 

I think I may be in in trouble...

[Batya33]

I think people are intimidated by people who have intimidating attributes - but intelligence is only intimidating to those who are insecure about their own intelligence - those types are not a good fit for me as friends or romantically. I am considered very intelligent, am a professional and successful and as far as I can tell I have never intimidated a man who was suitable for me - I tend to be attracted to highly intelligent men. If anything it has been an asset because I am comfortable socializing with intelligent people and thereforeeee get to meet intelligent men that way.

[TheRedQueen]

I think people are intimidated by people who have intimidating attributes - but intelligence is only intimidating to those who are insecure about their own intelligence - those types are not a good fit for me as friends or romantically. I am considered very intelligent, am a professional and successful and as far as I can tell I have never intimidated a man who was suitable for me - I tend to be attracted to highly intelligent men. If anything it has been an asset because I am comfortable socializing with intelligent people and thereforeeee get to meet intelligent men that way.

I agree with you fully, but where do you get the opportunity to socialize with intelligent people/men? Please, do tell. It's getting kind of lonely here in Los Angeles, not to say that actors are not smart, but.....

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't think it has anything to do with intimidation. I think it has more to do with how the person who feels intimidated deals with those emotions. When afraid, people can strike out at what they fear as a way of proving that they can challenge that thing and thereforeeee make it less frightening. The may go a more passive route and criticize and ridicule that which they fear and by their negativity diminish the subject. Most people handle fear poorly and instead of being mature and coping with their fears personally or internally they do everything they can to hide their weakness and show they are superior or brave.

[vandgsmom]

Am I intelligent... yes.

Am I intimidating... no.

 

I wonder why? Am I doing something wrong Red? I want to be intimidating; to strike fear in the hearts of unsuspecting men unfortunate enough to get into my personal space....

 

Do you give lessons??

 

BTW: CB.. I LOVE your new eye! lol

[jurupa]

I agree with you fully, but where do you get the opportunity to socialize with intelligent people/men? Please, do tell. It's getting kind of lonely here in Los Angeles, not to say that actors are not smart, but.....

I feel the same way and I live in Orange County. I would love it if a female would be able to have debates with me on various topics or just talk about them. But I have yet to find one. Most of the time I am helping the girl I am talking to or just chit chatting or just talking about something that has no educational value.

 

As far as finding the real intelligent men. They are not easy as I will give you that. I consider my self intelligent and have other people, but I don't get out much (due to various reasons, but I am working on getting out more tho). Places I would think intelligent men will be at are:

 

- At colleges (Try looking for the guys not in the main stream of people or in the library.)

- Art shows

- Cyber cafe's

- Clubs of some kind (it being computers, math english etc)

- Private social circles (somewhat like the clubs, but you have to know about them to find them which means you have to know someone in one)

- At lectures

- Trade Conventions or conventions (they are two different things by the way)

 

That is what I could come up with. Ya you can run into one at the mall, at some store, at the bar, but the chances there are lower.

[Miss M]

I don't think it has anything to do with intimidation. I think it has more to do with how the person who feels intimidated deals with those emotions. When afraid, people can strike out at what they fear as a way of proving that they can challenge that thing and thereforeeee make it less frightening. The may go a more passive route and criticize and ridicule that which they fear and by their negativity diminish the subject. Most people handle fear poorly and instead of being mature and coping with their fears personally or internally they do everything they can to hide their weakness and show they are superior or brave.

I really agree with this, but I know many intelligent people (even on this board) who also have fear, criticize and ridicule, and try to diminish another person as a way to try to feel safe, or to feel superior. Intelligence is definitely not a guarantee that a person will be emotionally mature and centered. And intelligence also is no guarantee that a person won't be intimidated, fearful, and defensive towards another intelligent person. There are a lot of very scared intelligent people who are trying to hide behind their intelligence in order to compensate for their feelings of powerlessness.

[vandgsmom]

There are a lot of very scared intelligent people who are trying to hide behind their intelligence in order to compensate for their feelings of powerlessness.

 

 

I have never in my life thought about it that way.

I think I need to cry.

Seriously.

[Batya33]

I agree with you fully, but where do you get the opportunity to socialize with intelligent people/men? Please, do tell. It's getting kind of lonely here in Los Angeles, not to say that actors are not smart, but.....

 

I live in NYC and meet intelligent people through work, through former classmates, at my volunteer work - and I am good at keeping in touch with people - old friends, etc and get to meet their friends.

[PaulvonMunich]

...I mean, INTELLIGENT it appears to me.

 

A quick answer to your claim from me is

Intelligent females pose the most interesting CHALLENGE to me!

 

Mind you, I - being a 'GEMINI' and have a lot of CHINAMAN in me - I tend to lean towards erotic thing, etc.

 

You want me to tackle you?

 

PAUL

[rocio]

Women are just inherently smarter than men, and men know that deep inside. Do they really need it to be rubbed in their face?

 

It's always best to pretend and let their ego alone.

 

Huh? Who? Where? Giggle.

[New_Horizons]

Women are just inherently smarter than men, and men know that deep inside. Do they really need it to be rubbed in their face?

 

It's always best to pretend and let their ego alone.

 

Huh? Who? Where? Giggle.

 

This is absolute BS. No gender is smarter than the other. There are smart and dumb ones of either gender. And please don't stereotype like this! I LOVE smart women. I wish there were more smart women around. No woman is too smart for me and if you think you're repelling men with your intelligence, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE WRONG MEN!

I wrote an exam today and the girl sitting next to me was using a calculator for simple math problems. I wanted to smack her in the face

[rocio]

No woman is too smart for me

 

Somehow I doubt that.

 

and if you think you're repelling men with your intelligence, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE WRONG MEN!

 

Men aren't repelled by my intelligence because they aren't aware of it. At least not until they've known me for some time and realise that, if I'm an economist, I can't be nearly as dumb as I let on.

 

And, as a matter of fact, I have this bad habit of falling for these great, genuine, dedicated men who treat me like a princess and completely respect me, thank you very much.

[rocio]

I wrote an exam today and the girl sitting next to me was using a calculator for simple math problems. I wanted to smack her in the face

 

Wow, aren't you just the nicest guy on the block. I should definitly start acting smarter so that I can nab myself a guy like you!

[New_Horizons]

Somehow I doubt that.

 

 

Well you doubting it doesn't change reality Note I didn't say that no woman could be smarter than me. I said no woman is too smart *for* me. I have no issues about being with a woman smarter than myself.

 

Men aren't repelled by my intelligence because they aren't aware of it. At least not until they've known me for some time and realise that, if I'm an economist, I can't be nearly as dumb as I let on.

 

And, as a matter of fact, I have this bad habit of falling for these great, genuine, dedicated men who treat me like a princess and completely respect me, thank you very much.

 

 

And your point is...? I was referring to the OP's comment about men being repelled by female intelligence. This is a broad generalization and is only true for a small number of men.