Why are Men Intimidated by Intelligent Women?

[easy]

Would you actually go for a person that is not as intelligent as you? If yes, how would you handle it? Would you just not talk about things that you know he wont be able to understand? Would you dumb everything down for him?

 

How would he deal with it? Could you imagine being in a relationship where you will always be the "dumb one" ?

 

The men that are intimidated are insecure. The intelligence isn't the problem. It's that you have something that they don't have, and they can't accept that. Things aren't even. You'd probably find that they are intimidated by other people and in other situations.

 

See, what you have to do is find a really confident idiot who will ignore it every time you prove that you're smarter. He'd be in complete denial all the time... it'd be perfect.

[CharlesF]

Red Queen, do you know much about mathematics and philosophy?

[CharlesF]

I know much about mathematics. I used to be interested in philosophy, but kind of lost interest.

[charley]

I don't think couples need to be of equal intelligence. That's not necessary.

 

However, it is helpful if they are of similar, or close enough intelligence. A vast disparity could be a problem.

 

Personally, I enjoy some intellectual competion, such as board games. That's something people of similar intelligence can enjoy together. Also pet names contests to see who is more creative and spontaneous. Use your imagination and the possiblities are endless.

 

There are countless activities that are best enjoyed by two people of similar intellect. The same is true of physical fitness. There are many activities that can only be enjoyed by people who are of a similar, or close enough, physical fitness (for examples, skiing, rollerblading, hiking, running, dancing, etc).

[EvaGina]

Much to my dismay, I have found that men are not only not attracted to, but that they're actually repelled by intelligent and knowledgable women who refuse to hide this fact, (trust me you would be amazed at how many women, who are either too shy or insecure, go to great lengths to try to conceal this from men) and who aren't afraid to speak up in a conversation or friendly debate when they've got valid points or differing opinions.

 

Is it so hard for a man to grasp that a woman can be logical and well read, that she may be talented in both mathematics and philosophy, but still bawl her eyes out when watching The March of the Penguins????

 

I don't know, men and women both, I would love to hear your opinions on this

I have wondered this myself...

I always meet men, they tell me they love my brains and independance... but after a while, when the novelty of having a woman that doesnt follow them blindly nodding like a glassy eyed lapdog has worn off, they hate me...

-sigh-

ah well, better off without, I say

[Mr Mister1]

To be honest I find this topic a bit weird, perhaps because I am attracted to intelligent women.. yet don't seem to get very far.

 

So if there are intelligent women out there who want to talk to someone who appreciates their intelligence then they are all free to contact me!

[TheRedQueen]

Would you actually go for a person that is not as intelligent as you? If yes, how would you handle it? Would you just not talk about things that you know he wont be able to understand? Would you dumb everything down for him?

Yup, sad story of my life. How have I handled it? With requiring less talky-talky, and more .....

Could you imagine being in a relationship where you will always be the "dumb one" ?

Oh man, that would rock!!!

 

See, what you have to do is find a really confident idiot who will ignore it every time you prove that you're smarter. He'd be in complete denial all the time... it'd be perfect.

Now that's an interesting plan b. Kind of depressing though, no?

[TheRedQueen]

I don't think couples need to be of equal intelligence. That's not necessary.

 

However, it is helpful if they are of similar, or close enough intelligence. A vast disparity could be a problem.

 

Personally, I enjoy some intellectual competion, such as board games. That's something people of similar intelligence can enjoy together. Also pet names contests to see who is more creative and spontaneous. Use your imagination and the possiblities are endless.

 

There are countless activities that are best enjoyed by two people of similar intellect. The same is true of physical fitness. There are many activities that can only be enjoyed by people who are of a similar, or close enough, physical fitness (for examples, skiing, rollerblading, hiking, running, dancing, etc).

These are valid points you make, and I have to say that overall, I agree with you.

[easy]

Kind of depressing though, no?

 

Maybe... but what isn't?

[TheRedQueen]

Maybe... but what isn't?

Um, I dunno, dead babies?

[easy]

Um, I dunno, dead babies?

 

Oh yeah... I totally forgot about them.

[corvidae]

I don't men are intimidated by intelligent women. At least not in my experience. Maybe it's the crowd I hang out with. I have a friend called James who has been told by two women that they regard him as too smart to go out with.

[dil]

I'm looking for an intelligent guy who isn't an arrogant butthole. That's my problem. Oh, I don't show the fact I'm intelligent, in fact, most people don't even know what my hobbies entail.

 

Being challenged is a big turn-on for me, but unfortunately, that doesn't occur that often. I'm versed in some politics, poetry, and philosophy. I also enjoy reading and drawing and writing. I'm also in sciences, but I don't fit in with the science geeks for the above reasons and a rather clashing set of hobbies. I enjoy hard rock music.

 

I somehow have become a dork among dorks, and you really have to fail at life to be that.

 

The only way I can find people like me is over the net. But I suppose I need to get out there more. I live an isolated existence. Most of my hobbies are one person ones.

[walkingwithaghost]

just today I played dumb to endear myself to a guy.

 

Girls act dumb because often times dumb equates to helpless.

 

This does two things: gets you attention (dumb can be unusual and ppl pay attention to stupidity) and if you're dumb you are not as efficient and you need ppl with smarts to help you out.

 

This is good in getting a boy's attention because dumbness gets you noticed and the guy feels useful when he feels like he has to help you think...

 

Dumbness also makes someone less intimidating... You don't know what to say when you first meet a girl, if she is dumb you are not so worried because her inferior intelligence will allow her to judge less harshly...

 

As the relationship progresses guys become furious with ditzy qualities.

 

 

Guys do not want dumb girlfriends at all.

 

Ex. I met my last "bf" when I didn't know if his car was a stick shift and I didn't know how to drive stick shift. I had the car in the middle of the street and went to get him for help. (perfect example of the dumb=attention+helplessness)

 

He broke up with me due to the fact (as I made him tell me) that "maybe I was too dumb and a stupid blonde"...

 

Do you see what i'm getting at?

 

Since then I've dyed my hair brown.

[walkingwithaghost]

Personally intelligence is the most important quality for me in a guy. I try to only date certified geniuses who had really bad childhoods.

[TheRedQueen]

Personally intelligence is the most important quality for me in a guy. I try to only date certified geniuses who had really bad childhoods.

If you were a lesbian, you'd be all over me.

[Carnatic]

I think that most intelligent guys like an intelligent girl. But I think that if she is intelligent then it's added pressure to impress. If a girl I'm talking to is clearly very intelligent then I worry that I have to keep coming up with new topics of conversation all the time and I could be starting to bore her. I think this is what might encourage some men to go for less intelligent women. It's less hard work and some people (more often men) don't want a challenge.

[Batya33]

I think that most intelligent guys like an intelligent girl. But I think that if she is intelligent then it's added pressure to impress. If a girl I'm talking to is clearly very intelligent then I worry that I have to keep coming up with new topics of conversation all the time and I could be starting to bore her. I think this is what might encourage some men to go for less intelligent women. It's less hard work and some people (more often men) don't want a challenge.

 

The flaw is that you presume you "need to impress" rather than being yourself. A wise religious figure who wrote a book on relationships cautioned that if you feel you have to read a lot of books before going out with the person in order to make conversation the person is not for you. All that means simply is that you pick a person whose intelligence level suits yours. I would find it a huge challenge to go out with a person who was less intelligent/sharp than me because I love banter and if I had to explain most of what I was saying/joking about that would be very difficult and not much fun.

 

I don't need "new topics of conversation all the time" - that's not necesarily a sign of intelligence - could also be a sign of ADD, hyperactivity, a person who is scatter brained, or not a deep thinker. To me, stating things simply is a huge sign of intelligence - establishing rapport is as well. None of those require these new topics you refer to.

 

I do like to be challenged by people and inspired to think about or see things in a different way. That's not just about intelligence but good communicatiomn skills. Someone who jumps from topic to topic and seems to need to be talking about something exciting all the time might be intelligent but to me would be self-centered if it was clear that that was not working for me.

[lizziebee]

Hi Red- I was raised in a very affluent community (that I still make fun of) and went to a private school. After 2 marriages and many relationships I met a REAL MAN. Ok, so he is from the Bronx and my dear old dad would refer to him as a 'dees, dems and does' guy but you know what? He is not at all embarrassed to ask me what a word means, he actually looks it up in the dictionary sometimes and he is not afraid of asking questions, just as I have no fear asking him about the things in his Irish culture that I have no clue about, or anything else for that matter. We teach each other things and if people were more honest about who they are then this whole issue would not be a problem and we could all benefit from what we learn from other people who are not considered well read or well schooled or well bred for that matter. Please keep in mind that I would never correct him on any subject in public as that is just rude.

[lizziebee]

one more thing....I love this man unconditionally.

[Batya33]

one more thing....I love this man unconditionally.

 

I totally agree when it comes to friendships and acquaintances, colleagues, etc. When it comes to choosing a life partner, formal schooling and degrees are important to me for several reasons including compatible values, financial stability, and providing that kind of role model if we had or adopted children. I would never tell others that they should or should not choose a partner based on how I choose a partner - that would be presumptuous on my part.

 

To me, wanting to choose for a life partner someone with a formal education has nothing to do with being honest or learning what there is to learn from all sorts of people - this week I learned a lot about myself through the eyes of an 8 year old boy who lives in a homeless shelter, from watching how a woman handled her autistic son on a subway, from talking to an australian living here for a year and working at a hospital with infants. My friends and acquaintances come from all walks of life. I hope that people learn from me, too - that is an important goal of mine.

 

That is an entirely separate issue to me from the qualities that I want in a life partner with whom I could have a family because then I have to think about compatible values, quality of life/lifestyle, etc. I can learn a lot for example from a man who is not of my religious faith but I will only marry someone in my religious faith. That doesn't mean I have any issue with people who are not of my religious faith in any other facet of life except potential marriage.

 

I am glad you met your match and that you appreciate his qualities and he yours. I don't think that makes you more or less open to the different ways intelligence is shown - and I don't think it means that people should follow your example - it simply means that in this particular case you chose someone from a background that is different from yours - and found that you clicked with this specific person - that is wonderful news but to me not terribly relevant to the way other individuals choose their partners - it's a very personal decision and to me shouldn't be a "statement" to how the world should or shouldn't work.

 

I also disagree that education or lack of education makes a man a "real man" - my boyfriend has multiple degrees and is a "real person" not because of the degrees but because he just "is" - he is genuine, humble, sincere and a person of integrity. I know people who are as bright as him who lack character, those who are not as bright as him who have character, and every shade of gray in between. He is unafraid to ask what a word or concept means just like your boyfriend is. Again, it's great that you see him as a "real man" but I'm not understanding how that is linked to his lack of a formal education.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would never tell others that they should or should not choose a partner based on how I choose a partner - that would be presumptuous on my part.

 

...

 

I am glad you met your match and that you appreciate his qualities and he yours. I don't think that makes you more or less open to the different ways intelligence is shown - and I don't think it means that people should follow your example - it simply means that in this particular case you chose someone from a background that is different from yours - and found that you clicked with this specific person - that is wonderful news but to me not terribly relevant to the way other individuals choose their partners - it's a very personal decision and to me shouldn't be a "statement" to how the world should or shouldn't work.

 

Right....

 

I also disagree that education or lack of education makes a man a "real man" - my boyfriend has multiple degrees and is a "real person" not because of the degrees but because he just "is" - he is genuine, humble, sincere and a person of integrity. I know people who are as bright as him who lack character, those who are not as bright as him who have character, and every shade of gray in between. He is unafraid to ask what a word or concept means just like your boyfriend is. Again, it's great that you see him as a "real man" but I'm not understanding how that is linked to his lack of a formal education.

So, why do you need to mention the multiply degrees if its not what makes him a "real person"? Maybe she considers him a real man because of his ability to ask questions. The fact that he shows curiosity, maybe.

[Batya33]

Right....

 

 

So, why do you need to mention the multiply degrees if its not what makes him a "real person"? Maybe she considers him a real man because of his ability to ask questions. The fact that he shows curiosity, maybe.

 

I mention it only because of the implication in her post that her boyfriend is a "real man" because he does not have formal degrees - so thereforeeee I felt I needed to mention that my boyfriend is a "real man" despite having multiple degrees. His education and what he has taken from it and what he shares with others from it is part of what makes him "him" of course - what makes him genuine is his values, character, integrity and sincerity - her post suggested that she found herself a "real man" by not focusing on academic credentials. My response is that there are people who are "real" in all walks of life and having fancy degrees doesn't make you any less genuine - it all depends what you choose to do with them and how you choose to present yourself.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I mention it only because of the implication in her post that her boyfriend is a "real man" because he does not have formal degrees - so thereforeeee I felt I needed to mention that my boyfriend is a "real man" despite having multiple degrees. His education and what he has taken from it and what he shares with others from it is part of what makes him "him" of course - what makes him genuine is his values, character, integrity and sincerity - her post suggested that she found herself a "real man" by not focusing on academic credentials. My response is that there are people who are "real" in all walks of life and having fancy degrees doesn't make you any less genuine - it all depends what you choose to do with them and how you choose to present yourself.

 

Actually your post reads like you've discounted the value of her partner because he doesn't have the degrees yours does. And you didn't say your BF was a "real man" you said "real person", so does that mean a "real man" isn't a "real person"?

[Batya33]

Actually your post reads like you've discounted the value of her partner because he doesn't have the degrees yours does. And you didn't say your BF was a "real man" you said "real person", so does that mean a "real man" isn't a "real person"?

 

I can't see where you read that in my post- i believe I said that formal education or lack of formal education is irrelevant to genuineness. It seemed to me she was describing her boyfriend as superior - more "genuine" because he does not have formal degrees and herself as somehow superior because she was able to fall in love with him and appreciate him despite his lack of a formal education.

 

My point is that whether or not someone has a formal education doesn't affect whether he or she is a genuine person - a person of integrity and character. My other point was that the fact that she was able to click and love a person without a formal education doesn't mean that others should follow her lead and seek a partner who lacks a formal education in the name of being somehow more "open" and "genuine" The fact that she clicked with her boyfriend is wonderful for her but for her to express the opinion that others should be as "open" to romantic relationships with people who are not formally educated I think is presumptuous on her part. Just because it worked for her doesn't mean it would or should work for anyone else.

 

On the flip side I would never suggest that a person looking for a partner focus on finding someone with a formal education. I would simply suggest, if asked, that the person focus on finding someone she/he clicks with and is compatible with on a personality, values and "chemistry" level.

 

Sorry if I was not clear. I used the term "real person" because I do not like the term "real man" - particularly in the way she used it - to suggest that he is somehow more "genuine" than someone with a formal education. I also do not relate to the term "real man" because often that is a stereotype for "macho" - I prefer "real person" so I can discuss genuineness, character and integrity without referencing gender.

 

I should add that I am extremely proud of my boyfriend for the years and hard work he put in to achieve what he has academically - mostly because of how many people he has helped and positively affected because of what he shares of his knowledge - he regularly gets "thank you" emails and phone calls from people. My degrees have given me similar opportunities. And our fathers - over 85 years combined of helping hundreds of people directly related to their academic degrees. I do not think my boyfriend is superior because of his degrees and I don't think I am superior because of my degrees. We (and our families) do place similar value on higher education and that is important to me in our relationship.