My Mum Has Cancer

[Darketernal]

I thought id give you a link to cancer support groups just in case.

link removed

 

Raykey just to understand we are here for you ok?

 

We wil never leave you alone.

[darkblue]

I haven't seen those icons in a while!

 

RayKay, you have my new week wishes and positive energy

I'm thinking of you and your family, and SexySadie.

[ShySoul]

Sending my best wishes to Raykay and SexySadie. Hang in there guys.

 

Darketernal - Thank you for posting the link. You've been posting a lot of good links lately, and it is appreciated. My friend is in a similar position, and I am sending the link along to him. Hope it helps him. Again, thank you.

[ginger25]

Hi, you don't know me and I am new to all of this, but my gosh there really is so much love for you on this forum, I hope all the positive thoughts that everyone is sending help you and your family through this. One of my closest friends' mother's also has breast cancer and she too is battling through it, she won't let it beat her either. Take care x

[RayKay]

Thanks again all of you, and thanks especially to ginger whom popped in even without knowing me I hope all the positive thoughts do something as well. My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend's mother as well. May she be a survivor as well, and join the many of them out there.

 

As a quick update...mum is in Hawaii right now sunning herself! She stopped in Vancouver and saw a ballroom dance competiton (one of her passions!) and is feeling well....in her low immune cycle, but able to get around and not feel too tired. She feels positive and upbeat again, so that is wonderful! Halfway through chemo now....and that is a good feeling!

 

Thanks again all,

 

RayKay

[darkblue]

Fantastic RayKay,

It sounds like she is having a ball! (pardon the pun

 

I'm really glad she is feeling good on vaccation.

And I hope she has a blast.

[SexySadie7]

Oh. thanks so much RayKay.. You don't know how much your kind words mean to me.

No.. sweetie you said, "it sounds like your mum did not really want you to know what is going on and hid it until she could not anymore.", but that is really not true at all.

The fact is that I called my brother last Tuesday and he told me all the bad test results after my mom let him have the phone so he could explain it all properly to me.

So I knew exactly what was wrong with her before my aunt even got into town. Besides. I've been calling her for weeks now and am aware she's been falling down.

I always call my mom anyway.. My aunt asks like i never call her. In fact sometimes i can tell she gets sort of annoyed (lol) cuz i call her too much.

Anyway.. i doubt how much good my aunt is actually doing my mom as she can't stay overnight with her as she's deathly allergic to my mom's cat so my mom is by herself at night which troublese me and during the day.. what is she doing but running down her only daughter to her?

How can that help my mom's health? My mom is usually very sweet and patient with me. but when she is around her sister... she gets very short tempered..

I didn't tell you, but after the aunt hung up on me.. I called my mom back.. she said hello.. but sounded like she didn't even hear me!!

I had to call back a third time.

This has all taken a toll on my health too. I've have some health problems too..nothing too serious but if i don't take care of myself i could end up in the hospital too.

Sometimes my mom is like my best friend. I can't even comprehend what it would be like to lose her... it's just too much to think of...

[Hope75]

Hi Raykay,

 

Oooh, Hawaii. That can do alot for a person's state of mind!

 

What island is your mum staying on?

[RayKay]

Aw, sorry hon, I misunderstood! I was not really saying you did not know of her results, but sometimes mum's have a tendency to try and hide their pain to protect us too

 

Your aunt just sounds as you described a bit well, someone whom is thinking about what this is doing to "her". Try not to let it get to you too much.

 

Take very good care of yourself, I know it's scary on you too, I know when I found out I was a wreck, and in addition worrying about my own health risk (I have to undergo genetic testing due to the extreme high occurrences in my family) so it's hard to stay mentally strong and positive every moment...but no one expects that either, not even your mum. Just do the best you can. I know, I feel the same way of my mum and I am in no way ready to say goodbye yet...I cannot even imagine doing it (she had to say bye to hers at my age.... ( and no way is she going without a fight!

 

Be strong, take care of YOU, and rally around your mom too...love is truly a powerful force.

[RayKay]

Hi Raykay,

 

Oooh, Hawaii. That can do alot for a person's state of mind!

 

What island is your mum staying on?

 

Hey Hope.....you know, I am not sure! Originally when they planned the trip it was before her dx, and they were going to two islands, but after it they shortened her trip to be within chemo treatments, during her "recovery" cycle and cancelled one island..so I am all mixed up now!

 

I'll let you know when I remember..lol!

 

I am sure it will be great wherever she is though, I am jealous!

[SexySadie7]

Well RayKay. they are all good islands and each is unique in it's own way. I"ve been to all of them except for Niihau and Kahoolawe so i'm sure she'll have fun wherever she goes.

If she goes to the big island, Hawaii, she might get to see a volcano erupting.. quite a site, especially at night!

 

Yeah.. that pretty much describes me too. I'm a wreck emotionally after hearing of her test results. Who knows how long my mom has been sick..but 2 weeks ago she was taking care of herself and walking her dog twice a day so this is quite a shock to her and me and my brother as well...

I don't know why my aunt would take this personally or try to make me out to be the one with the black hat.. As i said before.. she's always thinking of herself... this hardly surprises me but does anger the * * * *ens out of me..

I'm about to sit down and write her a poison pen letter.. I hardly care if I ever hear from her again after the way she treated me.

How does she think i'm feeling about all this? It's my own mom for pete's sake!

Anyway.. you can only do what you can do.. My mom isn't too internet savvy so i'm going to try to find some information out for her that will help her nutrionally. She's already started radiation treatments even though they don't know exactly what kind of masses she has.

I appreciate all the moral support you folks always offer.

Chin up girl, there's lot of people who have beaten cancer. More and more every day.. I do think that your attitude plays a large part in it though.

Thanks for the moral support RayKay. You are a gem.

[otherside]

HI RayKay,

 

This is otherside, the one who "only" posted on the girls gone wild subject. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, but glad that she has the strength to fight it. Cancer is something that's all around me to, my mother-in-law and father are both dealing with it. Also, I last year, lost my greatest love to it -- still not over that.

 

But I'm writing this just to wish you the best in life. Don't let it get you down -- I believe the best way to deal with the downs in life is to make sure you enjoy the time that is given to be sure to have time to enjoy with those you love. I think it's not so much how long you live, but what you do with whatever time you are given.

 

I grew up on Oahu -- hope your mom is enjoying the island (be sure to tell her to get away from Waikiki -- check out the less crowed north shore beaches & wave action, etc. - ). Also just came back from a motorcyle tour of the Big Island. Hope you find the time to visit the Islands before to long -- yes, travel and adventure keeps you alive.

 

Promise me you will be like your mom and see all the places you dream of, and I promise you I will no longer watch or defend "girls gone wild"

[RayKay]

Hey otherside!

 

Thanks for coming over and saying your thoughts

 

Unfortunately it's all around me too it seems sometimes. I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your love, my boyfriend of five years passed away three years ago, and I know how painful it is to go through....you never get over it, but you do heal and you do grow in so many ways from it. It's not a great "entry" into that club, but I think I am an entirely better person for having gone through all that.

 

It sounds like you already know what that is about though....and learning that the greatest things in life are the joys you find in the ones you love, and living each day to the fullest.

 

Thank you again so much - I am definitely an adventurer myself and get the chance to travel when I can (though my destinations are not considered as exotic to some I suppose, they are mostly for mountain biking or other such adventures!). I definitely have to go to Hawaii at some point (maybe I will manage to go down there for the Ironman or something ).

 

Cheers!

[RayKay]

Well,

 

Mum came back from Hawaii last night - she sounded great and very refreshed...look forward to seeing her soon. I hope this weekend depending on her immune system and how she feels.

 

Chemo #4 today...which of course is enough in itself....but it's a BIG day all around. She finds out more about her heart from the cardiologist, as well as gets the results of her recent brain scan. It's a very stressful day as both of those results could drastically alter many things....waiting with many crossed fingers and toes at the moment, and I won't find out until this evening how it all went.

 

RayKay

[kellbell]

RayKay,

 

I am so glad to see that your mom had a great trip and your folks made it back safely.

 

So after this round of chemo, she is over half done? I continue to keep her, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

**hugs**

[RayKay]

RayKay,

 

I am so glad to see that your mom had a great trip and your folks made it back safely.

 

So after this round of chemo, she is over half done? I continue to keep her, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

**hugs**

 

After this round, they will check to see how the tumour has (hopefully) shrunk. Then change her treatment or give her two more rounds of the same. I imagine they would not give her more then that though due to heart now though....too dangerous. So hoping this is working well.

 

Thanks kellbell for all your thoughts and prayers, much appreciated!

 

Today is a hard day....waiting to find out news. She is also doing a new will now that she is back, and asked me to be the Executor. Now her wills are nothing new as she has always done them, with me often being named as the guardian for my siblings on it so I always knew what was going on...but this time it seems so much more REAL....not just an "in case"..more of a "could be". Scary. Of course still positive, but even so.

 

Drama added from my bio father too (I only hear from him once a year)..he called me this weekend and found out about her, and my mum found out he called has told me to make sure no matter what happens he does not come near her....she does not hate him, just does not like how he has treated us...but even so, she has said it's none of his business and she has done fine this long without him and he can stay out of it. So I feel that new pressure now of making sure in the future he stays away. He probably will anyway..when my boyfriend died he called me ONCE after and never checked in on me. Though he invited me and J to come see him in next while....see if he actually does formally invite us.

 

I ordered this bracelet the other day (lots out there, but this gives a good amount to research...and nicer then the rubber bands..):

 

 

 

I think I will get one for mum & my sister later in the year too when I can afford it. Just hope it will give me some way to "be with her" all the time through this.

 

Never mind the awful day at work I am having today, as I am being scapegoated for stuff that was not in my hands in the first place...sigh.

[Mrocza]

Hey RayKay,

 

Keep looking up! I hope the test results will be to your liking but either way, your mother sounds like a true fighter- and she's got a great fan club

 

I'm crossing fingers and toes as well - She's in my thoughts and prayers Stay strong through this all, you have all of us here to lean on.

[RayKay]

Hey RayKay,

 

Keep looking up! I hope the test results will be to your liking but either way, your mother sounds like a true fighter- and she's got a great fan club

 

I'm crossing fingers and toes as well - She's in my thoughts and prayers Stay strong through this all, you have all of us here to lean on.

 

Thanks fairie for your kind words!

 

[WildChild]

I'm sorry you are having such a horsecrap day RayKay! Hopefully we can cheer you up

 

You have been put in a difficult position about your father, however given what he has done to your mother and all of you kids it is no wonder she feels that way. I don't think he will be too surprised by her decision though given their circumstances.

 

I'm sure her tests will be fine, she is such a trooper and so strong. Plus she has such a wonderful support in you

 

Thought to ponder~

 

Take heart again; put your dismal fears away. One day, who knows? Even these hardships will be grand things to look back on. -

[RayKay]

I'm sorry you are having such a horsecrap day RayKay! Hopefully we can cheer you up

 

You have been put in a difficult position about your father, however given what he has done to your mother and all of you kids it is no wonder she feels that way. I don't think he will be too surprised by her decision though given their circumstances.

 

I'm sure her tests will be fine, she is such a trooper and so strong. Plus she has such a wonderful support in you

 

Thought to ponder~

 

Take heart again; put your dismal fears away. One day, who knows? Even these hardships will be grand things to look back on. -

 

Thanks Wild!

 

I really hope it gets better....sheesh, it always seems to come all at once some days.

 

No I don't think so either, I really would not be too surprised if he did not follow up at all anyway with her. After he called Saturday, I ended up crying....not something I ever do after I talk to him and it has been well, almost 20 years since I cried over him...but I was just so struck down at time - at how he missed out on knowing all of us kids, and in some way mad as I always figured he would be the one to get sick first and always wondered if he would ever regret things then. Just all came down at once...but J was there with a big hug

 

I am crossing my fingers! I love that quote, thanks!

[WildChild]

Life has a weird way of spinning RayKay. It's normal to wish or hope that he would be the one to get sick first, I can completely relate. In some way, shape or form her being diagnosed will have a horrible impact on him. I promise. And when his chosen day arrives, he will be surrounded by no one.

[BellaDonna]

After he called Saturday, I ended up crying....not something I ever do after I talk to him and it has been well, almost 20 years since I cried over him...but I was just so struck down at time - at how he missed out on knowing all of us kids, and in some way mad as I always figured he would be the one to get sick first and always wondered if he would ever regret things then. Just all came down at once...

 

Hi RayKay. Your relationship with your father sounds a lot like the relationship one of my cousins has with her dad. He was never there when she was a child- and he pops in her life randomely now and then when he feels like it- usually once a year or less. Whenever he does that- it has a negative effect on her. She has not cried about him in a while- but he is more of a negative influence than a positive one. It brings her down. Right now her dad is very sick with a liver problem, and he is having some of the feelings of regret you mentioned. But my cousin has a great relationhsip with her mom- just like you do with yours. I always tell her that her dad served his purpose in life by creating her- and that it's his loss for not wanting to have such a beautiful and intelligent daughter as a more central part of his life. The same goes for your situation.

 

I think you need to focus on your mom and her wishes 100%-as you have been- and try not to let your dad upset you or stir things up for you emotionally. It just complicates things to have him come into your life right now. If he ever questions you about your mother- I think you should come right out and tell him that her personal wish is to never have him near her, and that you are going to respect her wishes, and hopefully he will too.

 

I can see why you'd feel pressure now- but your mom is right- your dad really does need to stay out of it. It's just adds a lot of drama that none of you need right now. You're both strong women and you'll get through this by sticking together.

 

I am glad your mom enjoyed her trip. I hope all of her tests come back satisfactory.

 

Stay strong,

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Wild & Bella, you are both correct, I really appreciate your thoughts.

 

I don't want my dad to be alone when he gets sick, maybe that is what hurts more...he is remarried and has another child, but in having that he almost gave up his "old" family. I don't know sometimes how *I* whom has a great pull to be with my family and a great love and connection for them could of come from him sometimes....

 

Bella, that is my situation almost exactly. Hear from him now and then. This year he did not even call on Christmas. He is on the road a lot as truck driver, but it seems if he wants to he can call. He only lives 30 minutes away. I have seen him IN person ONCE in the last 8 years. He always tells me "not to be a stranger" but I feel okay, I am an adult now, but where was he when I was a child? He should of been the one calling then, right? I feel guilt as I don't make more effort - and I mean I will visit him if he invites us, but so many times he mentions things like that and then disappears. I try not to hope too much anymore. As he said goodbye on phone he said "I don't want to be one of those dads that disappears and never is there, but I love you guys you know"....yeah well, then why DID he disappear!

 

20 years and usually it's a blip, not angry, just accept it's who he is, and it's his loss. So why is it bothering me so much NOW....maybe because I am more aware of that bond you have with family and kids (from my mom). Maybe I realize life is short. Maybe I can sympathize with my mum more now being the age she was when he left her with three kids. Maybe I now it's kind of my loss too...he's not a great dad, but he is still MY dad.

 

I honestly feel worse for my brother and sister in the whole mess. So that's it too...pain for them. I am the oldest and was always their "protector" in a lot of ways.

 

Meh.

 

Thanks both, I will update about mum when I know more!

[Mrocza]

Wow, RayKay.

Your relationship with your dad reminds me of mine with my father. My parents separated when I was 5, and he moved back to Poland. I would go and visit every summer until I was 12 to spend time with my entire extended family and his secretary it seemed- he was always working and didn't bother to spend time with us. The last time I was there since this past summer, when I was 9, he packed my sister and I into a van with strangers- a sort of transport service to travel accross the country so we could catch out plane home. When we came home, I rarely heard from him and he payed the occasional child support (Hasn;t now in over 6 years).

 

I eventually gave up on the thought of having a father, which wasn't that bad as I have good male figures in my life and don't miss out on a relationship with him, but he isn't even trying. He had my half sister when I was 9 and had a whole new life with that family. I was always ostracized when I came to visit.

 

When I had my accident I hadn't really talked to my father in two years, and hadn't gone to visit him either. He came down to Canada for two weeks to "be with us" but I didn't let him in the hosptial room, until his very last day when my grandmother (his mother) guilted me into it.

 

I sometimes get angry when I do talk to him. I've told him off, I remind him of his responsibilities, of his duty as a father and how he doesn't seem to care. Hes recently divorced his second wife, hasn't seen his third child in a year and got a dog with his new young girlfriend.

 

It's just weird, but at the same time I don't HATE him. I just don't care to be in contact with him at all. I don't think I missed out on a relationship with him because it is HIM. I think I'm doing just fine, even if I am fatherless. You seem to be doing well as well. Don't let him get you down. You already have so much to deal with, you can't let his guilty conscious and lack of initiative get you down.

 

You have an awesome family life. You don't need his support and especially his two-sided sympathy. He is your father, but he hasn't been a "dad". Besides, your relationship with your mother is so strong it more than makes up for it.

[cristalgold]

RayKay, I'm extremely sorry to hear about your mom. I only read your initial post, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for your mom and your family. Although I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes exaclty, I can relate. My mother passed away from cancer when I was 19. I never new my maternal grandparents because they died fairly young also. My mom never saw 43 and neither did her mother. The way you described your mother reminds me so much of my own. It's been a while but I still really do miss her.

 

At times, I think about how I never knew my grandparents and how, if blessed with kids, my mom will have never known them and vice versa. I think about how life sounds so silent now. I just hope that your mom gets better and you don't even have to worry about that which is why I would say try to focus on the present and her getting better (but I know things are better said than done).

 

I really do pray that she gets better. Be that rock that she can hold on to. It seems like she's done the same for so many for so long. She seems like an awesome person.