My Mum Has Cancer

[darkblue]

How are you doing today, RayKay?

Have you spoke to your mum?

How is she holding up?

 

PM me when you are bored/sentimental/upset/happy... just remember I'm here for you.

Take care.

[whatfor]

hello Raykay

 

i just read your post and im very sorry your mum has cancer. She sounds like a nice person, and you also here always help people.

I really hope she gets better.

Good luck to your mum.

[RayKay]

Thank you so much ALL of you for your wonderful thoughts, and especially for sharing your experiences with me - it helps a lot. I have been on the other side and know lots of people whom have LOST their parents to cancer the last 5 years or so (3 in last year alone), as well as my own family experiences so it is VERY helpful to hear positive stories for me too.

 

Thank you all, you are wonderful. I will update this thread when I can, since you have all been so wonderful in sharing your thoughts, I only owe it to you in return.

 

My mum is going for a bone scan today, to test density I assume, and well, for other things.....and a mugga test on Friday which looks at her heart. On Monday she gets her "bionic portal" put in her chest - basically a line put in her chest for chemo, which she will start next Wednesday.

 

She opted to start with chemo, before surgery, and will have 6 cycles of three weeks each. This will be followed by the double mastectomy. Scary. I have some vacation days I will use when she needs me around most though to spend time with her, but that will come a bit later. I wish I could win lottery so I could quit and be there all the time!

 

It's a start, and I think feeling as if she is "doing" something will help. She has lots of family around her to rally to support her, and they will all watch her and love her even if I am not able to be there all the time, which helps too.

 

Thanks again

[kellbell]

Hi RayKay!

 

Thank you for the update, I know this is hard for you. You are a lovely person and your mom and family sound very lovely too. I am still keeping you and all your family in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs.

 

Kelly

[RayKay]

Hi RayKay!

 

Thank you for the update, I know this is hard for you. You are a lovely person and your mom and family sound very lovely too. I am still keeping you and all your family in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs.

 

Kelly

 

Thanks Kelly.

 

I am trying to also not think too much of the genetic thing, the tests won't be back for a while. I do think of it, as it would mean some big decisions for me - about my breasts & ovaries, about having children. I love my breasts, it would be hard to do something about them at THIS age, I was hating them yesterday a few times, weird, but my bf reminded me he LOVED them, and he would LOVE me even if I had to wear "chicken cutlets" in my bras if I lost my breasts. That helped.

 

What worries me more...is having children and carrying this cycle on, or going through what my mom is now, but having much younger children - or even worse, leaving them without a mother. And your risks increase if you have kids after 30, or NO kids at all...weird, eh? It seems that for everything your risk increases, there is some weird other thing that also increases it and almost makes it not make sense! Sigh!

 

I know its not stuff I can worry about right now, but I cannot help but have it on my mind somewhere.

[kellbell]

Your fears are completely understandable, those thoughts would cross my mind too. By then, I pray that medicine will be more advanced and perhaps there will be a cure. You are very strong and you definitely got those traits from your mom honestly.

[RayKay]

It's starting to "set in" a bit more. Now that her treatment schedule is up and everything.

 

I think this will end up being my journal as I go through this. It helps to write it all.

 

I called her last night, she was typing up "affirmations" to put up around the house. They included promises to herself - like to work out as long as she can, to put makeup on to help her mood, to not stress over the things that don't matter, to value every day, to bigger goals like to see all of us three kids graduate (both my brother and I are going BACK to school, my sister is in it right now). She sounded good, and positive, and that really rubbed off on me last night. I was in a good mood last night, enough to be able to go get groceries and walk around store singing "I want Candy..nu nuh nun, Give me Candy...." much to my bf's delight. Her bone scan went pretty well, she does not know doctors view yet, but she said she looked and saw "beautiful bons". I hope so! It will be used as a baseline as she goes through chemo, but also to check for any signs of cancer in the bones too.

 

I have some vacation days still, so am going to save them for taking her to chemo and such - my stepfather and sister have the first two trips covered, but will help her in some of the remaining 4 of them. Then will arrange to take some days off after her surgery when she will definitely need us around (which we all remember from experience with my grandma), so I will coordinate with my siblings. I feel guilt for not being there more. I wish I was in financial position to take some time away, but I have really big debts that are burdening me too, and adding more stress...including about school next year.

 

Talking to some of my friends my age whom have gone through this has helped tremendously. One good friend lost her mother this year, another lost his father last year. It's going to be intense the next few months, with chemo taking until end of March, then surgery happening the following month or so if all goes well, and radiation beginning in the summer.

 

Still deciding on genetic testing, whether to know or not. Also risk of it being on file, and insurance purposes. I hope she gets it done still, so then I can make a decision from that if I want to go or not. Whom knows where treatments will be in 10, 20 years. I am still worried though about other factors, I won't be able to have kids for a while longer yet, with school and such, and I worry a lot that if I get this too in oh, 20 years to be optimistic , they will be really young. And the risk of passing this down to them. No one on my mother's side seems to have lived much past 70 at max, most going in 50's of cancers or "wasting disease". It seems too common to just be coincidence... As another posted told me it's Quality of life, not Quantity - true, but it's pretty awful to go through. I don't know, it's a lot to think about. So far down the road, but stuff on my mind.

 

Going to my parents Sunday with my boyfriend, and we'll help put up the Christmas tree. It's going to be a very different Christmas this year, but we'll make the best of it. And I think all of us will be hoping and trying to be confident that next year it will "be back to normal".

 

It's hard for my bf too, he has never gone through anything like this, never known anyone to die whom he knew. It's hard for him to see me down, or "thinking", though he knows I need to work through it too, and so is patient. I feel bad when I am with him, and my mind is so far off. He loves me so much, and he really shows that, and I appreciate it so much. Because I know that no matter what happens, I can trust on him to listen, and give me hugs.

 

I want her to beat this so bad. I found myself wishing on a start last night, not something I have done in a long time. I want her to be there when I get married, when she has grandkids by me or my other siblings. I want to be visiting her when she is 85! It's hard. I see people smoking outside, older then my mum, whom are clearly out of shape, still walking around fine, and then my mum whom takes care of herself, works out, does not smoke, eats well, gets checked, is now going to lose her breasts, has to put toxins in her body to kill the bad cells, and good cells, and has to now fight for her life. It's very frustrating to say the least.

 

I have hope though. There are many many survivors. Some whom have battled worse prognosis', whom have survived, for years. I keep thinking of Lance Armstrong, his story of survival (for those whom have never read it, "It's Not About the Bike" is an amazing story) as he came back from invasive cancer, that started in his testicle, and was in his lungs, brain, spine, and has won seven Tour De Frances. I believe in my mum doing the same, maybe not TdF's, but definitely being a great mum, for many many more years to come.

 

I see the people who run for Run for the Cure, or Dragonboat, the women in pink hats, and shirts, with "Survivor" emblazoned accross them....they are young, and old, some bald, missing breasts, some with hair again, and I think they inspire me, as much as I hope they inspire my mum. And those whom no longer are here, they too are inspirations, for facing it, and doing their best. I just want my mum to be one of the ones wearing pink, smiling, running along as a Survivor. Inspiring others. Maybe others, that might very possibly be me one day.

[Vanilla]

Hey RayKay!

 

I love the affirmations- because in my opinion they are great inspirations.

It's unbelieveable to see how strong you are- that strength of yours will /is rubbing off on your mom, and you both are encouraging eachother to fight, live and love. That is one of the most beautiful things in life. Your mother brought you into this earth and now her greatest gift is taking her by the hand the way you are- you are a wonderful daughter- and that only comes from a wonderful mother. What a duo!

 

I have prayer session tomorrow- I have put you and your fam. on our list of prayers!

 

Keep the hope- keep fighting- you guys are inspirational!

[RayKay]

Hey RayKay!

 

I love the affirmations- because in my opinion they are great inspirations.

It's unbelieveable to see how strong you are- that strength of yours will /is rubbing off on your mom, and you both are encouraging eachother to fight, live and love. That is one of the most beautiful things in life. Your mother brought you into this earth and now her greatest gift is taking her by the hand the way you are- you are a wonderful daughter- and that only comes from a wonderful mother. What a duo!

 

I have prayer session tomorrow- I have put you and your fam. on our list of prayers!

 

Keep the hope- keep fighting- you guys are inspirational!

 

Thanks for the prayers Vanilla, my mum and my family will certainly appreciate them very much

 

I have some moments I feel stronger then others. Moments where I can be more practical and hopeful then others. I learned a few years ago when a past boyfriend of mine died, that just because someone might not be on earth as long as you want them to be, does not mean they have not done exactly what they were meant to do, and can't last with you forever. I am just not ready for my mum to be done her job yet! I don't think she is either, so I am hopeful she will stick around a few years more all being well!

[darkblue]

I'm glad you are thinking positively now, RayKay.

I am sure that will be seen as a strength, to your mother.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Vanilla]

just because someone might not be on earth as long as you want them to be, does not mean they have not done exactly what they were meant to do, and can't last with you forever.

 

that is very powerful- i know you're not ready to lose your mom, but there's hope! She sounds like a powerful woman who is ready to tackle this...just live these moments together to the fullest, out of our most tragic of circumstances springs human growth- as you have already learned.

 

your mom isnt going anywhere without a good fight...whatever the outcome is, in which we all pray will be the best- you hang in there for now, and you have been doing a heck of a job with that...

 

you seem to have a very special connection with her- it reminds me of me and my mother...

 

you have all our support, hugs, love, kisses and encouragement. "You are not alone!"

[kellbell]

Hi RayKay!

 

How are you doing? How is your mom? I have been thinking about you and your family all week, praying for you all. Just checking to see how you are holding up.

[RayKay]

Hi RayKay!

 

How are you doing? How is your mom? I have been thinking about you and your family all week, praying for you all. Just checking to see how you are holding up.

 

Hey Kelly,

 

I posted a bit about it yesterday on the previous page, she is doing okay. I am looking forward to seeing her Sunday, to help put up the Christmas tree. It will kind of be that last time I see her before the chemo starts. She gets her "port" put in her chest on Monday, for easier access to bloodstream during chemo or other tests, so once that it is done I think it will be a "it's happening".

 

It's scary, it's pretty invasive cancer, pretty large, and it's hard to know my mum is going to be going through all of this.

 

I have done lots of research. Some people with what my mum has do great, others don't...so now I am just pulling for her to be one of the ones that does great

[RayKay]

She is going to go get fitted for a wig next Friday - maybe a red one, so now people will finally maybe stop asking me where I got my red hair from I told her she should get a wavy one, as she has always had straight hair too! My sister will go with her to make sure she makes a good choice (my sister is a bit of a fashionista!)

 

She is cutting her hair very short this week, and will make an appointment to shave it the following, after her first chemo treatments, when it starts falling out. My sister offered to draw here eyebrows on...I just hope she is not in a rush!

 

My stepgrandmother will stay with her the couple days after chemo this time around, usually she heads to Arizona for the winter, so it would seem she is staying around, which is great of her. It will be tough for her too, she was a friend of my grandmas, and saw her die, then a long time later her and my grandfather married...then she saw him die. She has known my family since before I was born, even though she is not blood related, so it will be difficult.

 

It will be a big "realization" then, when I see her hair shorned, a portal in her chest.

 

She has asked me to draw her a tattoo for her, to get when she has beaten this cancer, to put over the scars on her chest. She sees this cancer as a dragon, so she wants a drawing of a dragon, with a pink ribbon around it's neck. I will have to do some thinking, I am a drawer, but not of dragons, so I told her I will think of some ideas, meanwhile she needs to slay that dragon!

 

I just realized.....she told me off when I first got my tattoos, now she is wanting one! Tsk tsk, I will have to bring that up with her Sunday (teasingly of course!).

 

She is being strong, maybe for us too. She is going to still try and dance when she can, she is trying to eat well again, smaller meals, she jokes that after all these years of trying to fight her weight (she is not heavy, but has always had body image issues too) she finally found the "C-Diet"....and to get some strength back before chemo starts.

 

I have a Christmas Party tonight, it will be tough to be joyous and merry as the news is still so fresh, and I alternate from being okay, and hopeful and positive, to being stressed out, to feeling guilt for doing the things I need to do, without being there for her all the time to realizing I NEED to do those things to be strong for her, as well as myself...but I will try my best.

 

I look forward to seeing her Sunday, to put up the Christmas Tree. It will be the last time for a long time I see her with her hair, without a portal in her chest, without toxins coursing through her body to fight this. She will be beautiful no matter what - even when she is scarred, and bald (she has a beautiful head at least!) but to see her another time before all of this, is really important to me, to hold onto.

[DN]

No matter what happens to her or to you - she will always be your special mother with her special daughter. She will always love you and although her body may be changed, her mind and her spirit will be the same as always - a source of strength for you and your family.

[RayKay]

I want to be able to do more stuff for her, but I try little things. I had bought her a bathrobe the day before, sorta a "Good Luck" gift of sorts, as she gets her port in today, and starts her first chemo treatment Wednesday. I found a nice super soft one - hard to find as some are so soft outside and not so much inside (why do they do that anwyay!) that will be nice to wrap up in on days where she is run down and at home. It will be good for after her surgery too, as it is very non-abrasive and soft. I also brought her my Solitudes CD (all nature music, relaxing) which she really was happy to have because she ordered some stuff to help her zone out but it won't be in for a couple weeks, and my lucky three-legged pig charm She is surrounding herself with "lucky" things and so forth.

 

My stepfather is having a tough time with it. My mum is pretty open about it all, and uses humour too, but if we start talking, there seems to be a pattern where my stepfather leaves to go watch hockey - it was my boyfriend who pointed it out to me last night while we were back home, as I had not really noted it.

 

She gets her hair shorn this week, and goes for her new wig on Friday...she will probably get it shaved shortly after, before it all falls out, though she is not sure yet. She hopes maybe it will grow back in wavy...hehe.

 

My stepfather is taking her to her first chemo treatment this Wednesday, my sister the one after. My stepfather was going to take more days off for other treatments, but he has shift work so it's hard, but I can take days off to take her, and had already offered to do so, and we will plan something after her surgery, he will probably take the 2-3 weeks off. So I feel better knowing someone is there.

 

It's funny how fast things go once they start really. She is being positive, though there are times, where the reality hits again. We were talking about Christmas last night, my stepdad told her we should just order, so she does not do any baking/cooking. But my mum said, yeah, but this might be her last Christmas, and she really wants to do it. It's hard not to get choked up, but I am positive. I DO believe she can beat this and be here for another 10, 20, 30, 40 years. I do. And if...well if not, I know she will have fought her best, and our family will be there for one another. I have a lot of hope right now though. It's overcoming the fear now, little by little.

 

It's also stuns me how many people I know who are going through similar. I mean, in the last 8 years, I have known two people die of advanced liver cancer, one of my parents friends lost her leg to bone cancer a couple years ago, I know several whom have had breast cancer, my uncle is now going through tests for bladder cancer, my grandparents of course, it just seems so prevalent.

 

One of my sister's friends, his brother whom is 25 has testicular cancer, and it is mestasized in his diaphragm and intestines already, he put off going to doctor a long time apparently. He starts his first chemo treatment today.

 

The woman next door to them, has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She has finished her 6 rounds of chemo, and there has been no change, so she is now going on bone marrow list. Sad, they are a nice couple.

 

As hard as it is to hear the stories that did not end as well, there are also so many positive stories, it is overwhelming how many survivors there are out there. And I hope she, amongst all those also going through this, all join that very special group of people.

 

I am leaning more towards getting tested. I still have some hesitations, because there may be genes they have not discovered yet, and I really do believe there is SOMETHING in my family. There are pros and cons either way, but I think knowing where I stand will give me some empowerment to make some decisions for me, and my future. If I have the gene, the deicison will be...not easy, but instinctive. If I don't, then....it will be less instinctive, but I may still opt to have something done and make some other decisions. Just because even if I don't have the gene they know of, there is SOMETHING in my family, definitely, that is causing this. And I want to reduce my risk, and not have to fight this too in 10, 20 years. I don't know, it's tough to think of right now. Right now I need to take care of my mum and my general health, and that will come later.

 

RayKay

[annie24]

Hi honey - (((BIG HUG)))). Those sound like really nice presents for your mom. Don't forget to get her some funny stuff too! It's important that cancer patients keep laughing.

 

As for getting tested - the question is, even if you find out that you have a gene that will indicate that you may have a 20% chance or whatever of getting breast cancer, what will you change? You are already living a very healthy life, not smoking, exercising regularly, healthy diet. You are already minimizing your risks significantly. There's only so much we can control, and the rest is up to a roll of the die.

 

It will be ok - hang in there! 2 of my aunts had breast cancer, and now they are just fine. Modern medicine has really improved, and there are great treatments out there.

 

Take care!!! I'm thinking of you and your family!

 

(BIG HUG)

[RayKay]

Hi honey - (((BIG HUG)))). Those sound like really nice presents for your mom. Don't forget to get her some funny stuff too! It's important that cancer patients keep laughing.

 

As for getting tested - the question is, even if you find out that you have a gene that will indicate that you may have a 20% chance or whatever of getting breast cancer, what will you change? You are already living a very healthy life, not smoking, exercising regularly, healthy diet. You are already minimizing your risks significantly. There's only so much we can control, and the rest is up to a roll of the die.

 

It will be ok - hang in there! 2 of my aunts had breast cancer, and now they are just fine. Modern medicine has really improved, and there are great treatments out there.

 

Take care!!! I'm thinking of you and your family!

 

(BIG HUG)

hey Annie,

 

Don't worry, plenty of humour. The three legged pig is pretty funny! My mum is also dying her hair purple or pink (with veggie dyes) when she cuts it short, so she won't be as sad to see it go...and go through a rebellious phase

 

Well, if you have the gene, the risk is anywhere between 30-90%. Which is very high anyway, given the fact my mother and grandma, and great grandma were all also diagnosed before menopause and before 50, my risk is eve higher! If I had it, I would possibly opt to have a prophlactic done at some point in the next few years. It also is extra ammo for when I get care, if I have the gene, I CAN get mammograms at a young age, for example, to check for DCIS and more aggresive forms of cancer. If you are under 40, they tend to not want to do it unless you have a VERY strong preposition to it. It's about empowerment.

 

Even if I don't have the gene, I will be pretty insistant though, it just helps to have that extra ammo here. We have Medicare, and while it is free, the waiting lists are longer, or they tend to not want to see you if you are young. Yet I have known people fighting this at MY age and being far along as the doctors said they were too young.....

 

My mum - even her doctors missed it, three times in a row!

 

Yes, medicine certainly has come along way, but it's still not 100% for anyone including my mother, and I would like to be as empowered as I can be to be preventative, and pro-active, rather then reactive - make sense?

 

There are also other things that increase your risk, for example you are at highest risk during and after pregnancy, meanwhile I have been on the pill for 10+ years now...which is probably no longer the wisest thing. Just little things like that.

[arwen]

Hey Rach, it sounds like your mom is doing everything possible to gather all her strength. She sounds so much like you, such a powerful woman from what you're telling us. I love the idea of the tattoo! I think that's a great way of dealing with what she will lose to cancer, by gaining her health back.

 

I think it's the sweetest thing of you to buy her a bathrobe. Those are the small-but-big things you can do. They seem little and senseless, but I am sure it really matters to her that you care.

 

I am a firm believer in the positive force of love and care and prayer for these difficult times. It kept our family going when we were in the same situation with my mother.

 

I find it hard to express how I feel for you and the situation of your family. I will pray for your mom, you and your family.

 

warm hugs,

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Thank you so much Ilse, your prayers, as always, are much appreciated and accepted!

 

I do agree that the force and power of love, support, care, and hope are all extremely helpful and encouraging, and we as a family are certainly doing our best to be there for her, and she is doing same for us. I think she, and we, are a bit more "accepting" now that this is the reality of the situation, and there is little else to do BUT confront it head on at this point and fight the battle with everything we all have. She is definitely not alone, nor are any of us...I really am blessed for my family and friends, as is she.

 

You are right, it is the small things sometimes that mean the most.

 

I have also just been informing myself as much as possible, to know as much as I can. It is empowering, and makes it feel much more "doable" to learn other peoples stories. It gives me courage for her fight, and for the future should my sister or I also face it....hope is a wonderful thing in these situations, and that really does come from knowledge.

 

RayKay

[Hope75]

Hi Rachel,

 

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. You are so sweet to give your mom the lovely gifts..... I'm sure your support and just your presense means more to her than anything.

 

She is surrounded by people she loves, it's the season for miracles, and she has so much inner strength. (plus all those internet prayers.... )

 

Hang in there girl!

 

((HUGS))

 

Hope

[RayKay]

Hi Rachel,

 

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. You are so sweet to give your mom the lovely gifts..... I'm sure your support and just your presense means more to her than anything.

 

She is surrounded by people she loves, it's the season for miracles, and she has so much inner strength. (plus all those internet prayers.... )

 

Hang in there girl!

 

((HUGS))

 

Hope

 

Thanks Hope!

 

I had a teleconference today that was boring the soul out of me, so I did a sketch of that tattoo she has in mind. I brought the draft home and will do a better copy of it over the next couple weeks, draw it out, colour it, and give it to my mum Sunday for her input on it before I do the final...but it looks pretty cool so far...a dragon sort of being twisted and held by a pink ribbon that does the loop around it's neck to make the breast cancer symbol. I think it's pretty neat, and even if she does not get it tattoo'd, will be some good "visualization" for her over the next few months!

 

Thanks again for checking in on me!

[kellbell]

Hi Rach!

 

I was checking in to see how you are holding up and it seems like you are hanging in there. I am so inspired by your strength in all this. Thank you for all the updates, I know this can't be easy for you. Lots of hugs to you and your family.

[RayKay]

Hi Rach!

 

I was checking in to see how you are holding up and it seems like you are hanging in there. I am so inspired by your strength in all this. Thank you for all the updates, I know this can't be easy for you. Lots of hugs to you and your family.

 

Thanks Kelly,

 

I am doing okay, actually. I have found a lot of "peace" in the fact that this is our reality now, if that makes sense. I have also found a WONDERFUL board of women going through breast cancer, and the inspiration there is amazing - they are fighters, and many of them are also years past diagnosis now and doing well. It helps.

 

She starts chemo today. Knowing she is starting the battle, helps too.

 

I am also educating myself as much as I can on the issue, it's making me realize more and more that I am going to have to really pressure my own doctors to get me in for earlier mammograms. They tend to brush you off as being too young, or it being overkill, but I don't think I care, I want a baseline, I don't need to go EVERY year at this point, but certainly I am not going to sit around waiting until I am 40 to start getting them, given how many people have early breast cancer many years before that (or more advanced even).

 

Thank you very much, I appreciate your thoughts!

 

Rachel

[WildChild]

RayKay, I am glad to hear you are doing so well. I hope your mom's treatment goes well today, she has a wonderful support system at home and I am sure that is very encouraging for her. And yes, you need to push, push, push your docs about yearly checkups especially because it runs in your family, they should not be concerned that you are too young to need it, they should see it that you are at a higher risk.