Why would she do that in front of me?

[JayJ34]

I (20 male) broke it off with a women (26 female )from work that I dated 3 weeks. If you want the full story, here it is:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/459727-should-i-stop-dating-a-person-with-trauma_/#comment-5862922

Long story short, she has trauma caused by previous boyfriends that cheated on her, and when that traume gets triggered she snaps at me for no reason and makes me feel incredibly bad. For example if I say something about another women or coworker. I cut her off and just told her we shouldnt really date anymore. 

What I did not realize, I already fell for her. Since that talk I have been crying a lot and just feel incredibly bad, it almost feels like a break up, which sounds stupid considering the duration we dated.

She now is telling people at my work that I stopped dating her to get with another coworker, which is just a lie. I have nooooo interest in that person she refers to. And it hurts, because I have feelings for her and they are getting mixed up by her behaviour. I not only feel sad, but now also angry.

When we had that talk, I was a little bit overwhelmed and could not say what I wanted to say, which is why I texted her and asked for another meeting to tell her whats on my mind. I told her that we could meet up last Sunday, she said she would text me that day and tell me if she has time. On this Sunday, she said she cant really meet up, but we could meet the next week.

On exactly that Sunday she came by when I was working (I work as a barkeeper at a bar), met up with another coworker of us and made out in front of me. She knew I was working! I am 20 years old, do not have that much dating experience but trust me when I say, I think no one in my life has ever tried to stick it to my face and hurt me like that. I feel so betrayed and disrespected. I was so good to her, invited her to restaurants, picked her up with my car and took her with me to city trips, gave small little gifts because I knew she wasnt doing so well, visited her at work, helped her with her problems etc..

And she always said that she couldnt believe how attentive I am. I remembered everything she said she would like to plan small surprises for her, because I wanted her to feel good. Thats just who I am, if I like someone I want them to have a good time and I like to provide. 

And now she does that, I am filled with anger and disgust like I have never been. How they kissed and looked at each other, with her only purpose being to hurt me. It not that she has someone else now, it is that she is doing it intentionally in front of me to make me feel bad. Why on earth are people like that?

I want to be a good man, I dont want to become an a..hole, but I feel like next time I get to know another person, I will have a hard time to trust and believe what I am getting told. I already went through a break up 8 months ago, and this feels so much more disgusting, I dont know why : ( 

 

 

[yogacat]

Wow -- that's a pretty crappy thing she did (kissing the co-worker in front of you).

I can guarantee she did it because she is angry at you and hurt you ended the relationship, so she wants to see you upset. She probably also feels like with you helping that other co-worker that you were into the co-worker or something (obviously that isn't the case).

Her reactions are obviously over the top. I don't know what you two discussed --- but I think if you break up with someone, you have to expect you'll see them with others. This was a work thing. I am guessing it is intense since you work together so this angst and hurt will linger for a while.

This is just a woman that is hurt and wants to lash out.

Please don't internalize that you did anything wrong. You didn't.

And you were smart for ending it quickly, too. Just imagine if you waited months or longer to end it.

Better to finalize it now and move on.

People can choose to deal with their past traumas or not.  I am sorry you are being the casualty of her choosing that she won't deal with it. Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

She now is telling people at my work that I stopped dating her to get with another coworker, which is just a lie.

Its almost like you should have listened to the old sayings. Let me quote myself from previous thread

On 5/14/2024 at 6:57 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Son, let me give you some advice: Never stick your D in crazy. No matter how hot she is. Because as you can see, you got nothing but troubles from it.

Few days after that and she is already lying about you and kissing another man in front of you. Use this as a learning experience for some next time. And that you should never stick your D in crazy under any circumstances!!!!

 

[MissCanuck]

It sucks that she did this, and it's understandable that it stings. 

Unfortunately, you knew she was not the most stable or rational individual. And you invested too heavily too soon. Please, slow down next time and heed the red flags. She was waving them even though it was very early. 

And whatever you do, avoid any and all personal contact with her. Interact with her only when strictly necessary for your job. 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.   She is a mess.  That's a fact.  

You're going to go through your feelings and unfortunately she is likely to do some more loony crap, so gird yourself for that.   It will not last forever and it's important that you do not re-engage with her no matter how much she tries to bait you.

[lostandhurt]

A buddy of mine dated a woman like this.  It was like she didn't know how to be treated well but complained about all the jerks she had dated in the past and punished him for their behavior.  He is a good guy but she kept doing things that made it impossible to be with her.  She was a hot mess and yes unstable.

  This happens and you will meet other women like this unfortunately.   The thing is you cannot punish others for what someone else did to you.  Keep an open mind, offer medium trust and let it build from there but don't change who you are because of her.

 She wants to hurt you but what she is actually doing is showing you that you made the right choice.  You are young but are already learning a lot and making pretty good choices.  Sure it may have been a mistake to even start this roller coaster ride but in time you will see them more clearly up front. Don't feel bad about any of this, guys have been making this mistake since the dawn of time and will keep making it.  We think with our eyes instead of our minds...

Lost

[smackie9]

I warned you didn't I. Don't worry about it...she's just trying to get a reaction because of her butt hurt ego....play it kool, ignore her, act like it's nothing. If I were you I would park my car somewhere else for awhile.

[catfeeder]

Quote

Why would she do that in front of me?

Because she's behaving exactly in line with the bizarre red-flag behavior she demonstrated when you first dated her. It was why you broke up in the first place.

People here warned you that she was bad news, even raising potential danger and possibly even finding your tires slashed. She's what's commonly called a 'bunny boiler' after the movie 'Fatal Attraction'.

So meeting to discuss your feelings would be a foolish move. You can't fix crazy, and you certainly can't talk someone out of being that. No matter how 'good' you are.

[LootieTootie]

I'm sorry you had to see that but I truly believe that when someone shows us who they really are, you believe it and you don't look back. There's no point of asking whys/ifs because in the end, it doesn't matter. You can't change the past and you can't change someone. All you can do is focus on you and your wellbeing. Please don't let a miserable person tarnish who you are and your choices. This person should have no control of you.

[TeeDee]

She did it to hurt you, plain & simple.    She's not a nice person.  All that damage made her mean, petty & unstable. 

My heart goes out to you that you were so hurt that you ended up crying over a girl you dated for 3 weeks.  That is a function of inexperience.  You will develop a thicker skin over time & be more cautious with your feelings.  

Bars & the people who work there are cesspools of gossip & interdating.  I worked in several through college & grad school.   Nobody you work with really cares who you date, who you sleep with or why it ended.  They will talk about it for a couple of days until the next juicy story comes around.  Don't let it upset you.  People see how she is.  If she's making out with a random guy in front of you while you are at work but you are not with the woman she accused you of dumping her for, your co-workers will identify her as an untrustworthy person in short order.  People in the bar business are good at sizing people up. 

Do your job; learn to make to make drinks so you can be promoted to bartender to earn more money.  You will be fine.  Just don't play her game.  

[ShySoul]

On 5/19/2024 at 7:43 PM, JayJ34 said:

On exactly that Sunday she came by when I was working (I work as a barkeeper at a bar), met up with another coworker of us and made out in front of me.

That's bad and you have ever right to feel hurt, upset, and angry. But it could have been worse. Try the woman saying she's engaged a month after she's saying I love yous and talking about a future together. Or saying she's married a month after that. If that's not cruel, not sure what is.

On 5/19/2024 at 7:43 PM, JayJ34 said:

It not that she has someone else now, it is that she is doing it intentionally in front of me to make me feel bad. Why on earth are people like that?

It's not actually about hurting you. It's about running from their own issues and feeling the need to appear okay. I've seen it several times from people. A relationship ends, usually because of them, and they don't want to face the truth. They can't handle dealing with the things they might have done, their own fears and insecurities. So it is easier to play the victim and make the other person into the bad guy. That can include rushing into another relationship and throwing it in the person's face. After all, if they got someone so quickly, they couldn't possible have been the problem, right? But it's all just a facade to mask their real feelings. 

You treated her well. You were there for her. You did exactly what you should have done. She was the one who wasn't ready for that. This is all on her, not you. You deserve someone better who will appreciate you. If anything, she saved you time by showing who she currently is. She doesn't deserve any more tears, doesn't deserve the anger or time thought about. What helped me through my experience was to actually feel sorry for her. She's stuck with this juvenile mindset of revenge and avoiding her issues, which is really just sad and pathetic when you think about it. You, on the other hand, are free to have something much more meaningful when the time is right.

[MrMan1983]

You'll look back on this and realise you dodged a bullet with this one.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, TeeDee said:

...your co-workers will identify her as an untrustworthy person in short order. 

This is a great point. Who shows up at their job and starts making out in public? Someone with a screw loose, and it won't be long before other coworkers see this.

Enjoy your job 'around' this flake, and outlast her.