Can the spark be ever reignited? Should I even try to reach out again?

[wonderlol]

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for 5 months. We met on a dating app. We are both dating with the intention of getting married and we both are very slow people, so we decided from the very beginning that we will hold off physical intimacy ( I am the no sex before marriage girl) and we will remain platonic until it comes naturally. He said he was fine and respected my boundary; just asked me to give him signals when I am ready for any intimacy. 

Despite the lack of physical intimacy, we instantly hit it off. Since we both work very long hours everyday, we usually just text 1-2x to check up on each other throughout the week and catch up on the weekend. We also work overtime on the weekend, but we always try to spend one day every weekend together to get to know each other. All our values and hobbies align.

The last time we met, we initiated physical intimacy by cuddling and kissing. He had a physiological reaction and we almost had sex until I stopped it from happening. Before we separated that day, we both discussed how we felt about the experience. We both agreed that it feels good and correct. We both thought that it's the most comfortable we have felt with any other people we've met. We even discussed starting a family and being with each other forever. He even invited me to a party the following weekend to meet his colleagues.

Then, he sent me a text at the end of next week saying our relationship will not work out because he feels no spark between us. What is this spark? I am pretty sure the spark was there at the beginning because that is why we spent so much time together. And as we passed the honeymoon phase, I just assumed the spark transformed into a slow growing love.

I am just very confused by his decision and cannot figure out what went wrong that made the spark so important now. Why hasn't he mentioned this before at all? On the same day I received the text, I messaged back telling him I need him to tell me in a serious conversation what is wrong, even if it's ending it. I asked to schedule a FaceTime call with him. He left me on delivered and never replied. The same night, I sent him a letter expressing my feelings and asked how he wants me to return his stuffs. It has been 6 days and he still left me on delivered and never read my messages. I just don't know how to read into his silence because I know where he lives, so I can totally go and return his belongings. What does his silence mean?

I feel like he is an anxious avoidant partner (his parents were emotionally unavailable) because throughout our relationship, he will pull back each time when we make milestone in our relationship. He would tell me he needs some space to think about us so he would not sabotage our relationship. He did share thoughts of breaking up with me when we first labeled us as a LTR and he was very stressed out from his work projects. I always assured him that everything will be alright as long as we communicate our needs and concerns. He always expressed understanding and slowly started to open up to me about everything in his life. Nothing was abnormal the month prior to him sending the message. 

I just feel so blindsided because we did not even have a conflict beforehand. There were absolutely no signs in our most recent conversation and we even made promises to each other about the future. Since I am in grad school and finals are coming up, I have not reached out at all again. I was thinking I will go NC for a month and once I am done with finals I will reach out again to ask if he wants to keep trying and reignite the spark we used to have.

However, I decided to check his dating profile on the app we met, I saw that he updated his profile and he never even bothered to unmatch me. My emotional and mental health are not taking this move from him very well. I don't know what I to do now and I am completely shattered. I really want to see if we can work this out because we have a genuine connection.  

Is it stupid to reach out again at this point? I always just thought he needs some space to think about us. Is he moving on already? Can we ever get the spark back?

Any advice will be appreciated!

[Capricorn3]

11 minutes ago, wonderlol said:

The last time we met, we initiated physical intimacy by cuddling and kissing. He had a physiological reaction and we almost had sex until I stopped it from happening.

Then, he sent me a text at the end of next week saying our relationship will not work out because he feels no spark between us.

I get the impression he decided he's not going to wait to have sex.  If you are a no sex before marriage kinda girl, I think he had a reality check and decided he's not going to wait that long.

I would cut my losses and move on.

[MissCanuck]

It seems he is well and truly done with this. 

I'm sorry. I wouldn't torment yourself by reaching out again. It won't feel good for you to be ignored again or get a response that's hard to hear. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, I feel like sex was the issue for him. When a man says “I am willing to wait” that doesnt mean until marriage. “Until you were comfortable” means after some time. Not after you two enter lifelong commitment. I am sorry, but he probably just found somebody else who is willing to put up. And now is “ghosting” you.

Also, you dont know the guy that much. You havent heard and seen each other that much. So he just invented BS “no spark” excuse after you witholded sex from him.

Also please dont contact him anymore. He doesnt want to talk, he broke up. Delete and block him on everything and move on.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, wonderlol said:

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for 5 months. I am the no sex before marriage girl) and we will remain platonic until it comes naturally. 

he sent me a text at the end of next week saying our relationship will not work out because he feels no spark between us. , I sent him a letter expressing my feelings and asked how he wants me to return his stuffs. It has been 6 days and he still left me on delivered and never read my messages. 

Sorry this is happening. 20 weeks dating is the getting to know you period, not the planning the future period. It's to determine compatibility and if you are a good fit.

Unfortunately he seems to have lost interest. He doesn't seem to want to discuss it.  " No contact" is not a tool to get him back or rekindle "spark". Please don't send letters pleading. 

Please try to let go and reflect on setting both yourselves free to find more compatible people.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, wonderlol said:

On the same day I received the text, I messaged back telling him I need him to tell me in a serious conversation what is wrong, even if it's ending it. I asked to schedule a FaceTime call with him. He left me on delivered and never replied. The same night, I sent him a letter expressing my feelings and asked how he wants me to return his stuffs. It has been 6 days and he still left me on delivered and never read my messages. I just don't know how to read into his silence because I know where he lives, so I can totally go and return his belongings. What does his silence mean?

You don't need to be that desperate. 

He told you he doesn't like you anymore (in other words), so your reaction should be along the lines of "okay, thank you". Nothing more. You are secure within yourself and should not lower your value so that you are desperately chasing after a man who rejected you. Grieve it, accept it, and move on. This happens all the time while dating.

1 hour ago, wonderlol said:

Is it stupid to reach out again at this point? I always just thought he needs some space to think about us. Is he moving on already? Can we ever get the spark back

It's not stupid, but rather desperate and unnecessary. He spoke his peace and told you there's no spark. Why there's no spark? Only he can tell. He could have found someone else, he could have had a change of heart, or he could have decided that this is not what he wants at the moment.

You cannot force someone into having a spark nor beg them to love you. That's not the healthy way to do it. 

Stop nagging him for an answer and understand that closure is in you. Love yourself. Grieve and move on. You got this.

Also, he is an adult. He will pick up his stuff when he wants to pick it up. If he doesn't it, just toss it after some time 🗑️

[LootieTootie]

Oh yea, it was the no sex. 

I am not sure how experienced you are with dating/men but when a man gets a hard on during a hot steamy make out, and you shut it down before it gets to 4th base - blue balls. He probably did some thinking after and realized he couldn't keep waiting for sex when he could get it somewhere else.

Fortunately, you sound like a busy gal and being busy helps getting over a break up. Stay busy, and don't ruminate. He made his decision, respect his decision by accepting it and moving forward.

[Batya33]

It was the no intercourse but also you seemed very rigid even when it came to being sexual and intimate.  Is it no intercourse or no being sexual where you agree you're not going to have intercourse? Big difference.  If there is open communication it's not teasing or leading on but it sounds like you were hesitant-and rigid -about being romantic, affectionate and sexual.

I waited months at times and I waited until I was 24 for the same reasons as you - no sex before marriage (and yes I changed my mind with a serious bf, no regrets!!) but I was always passionate/affectionate/sexual over time - because I was dating the person not buddies.  You can be sexual and not have intercourse just like people who are having intercourse can be sexual and choose not to have intercourse that particular day or whatever - many reasons - and none of it means you cannot enjoy each other intimately.  Is this about wanting to be a virgin at marriage (meaning you've never had intercourse) or is it some fear of being intimate in that way?

I went on a few dates in my 20s with a man in his 20s who was a virgin and waiting for marriage.  On the third date we decided he'd stay over as it was a long drive to where he lived -he knew I had a studio apartment.  I was fully dressed as was he when we got into bed -I think we'd hugged and kissed and all of a sudden he freaked out -was horrified that we'd be sharing a bed (king size) - like shaking. I hadn't touched him.  Then I knew there was something more going on than values of waiting for marriage.  Last date.

[Kwothe28]

I also wantes to add: What you are doing is very rare. Especially at the times where I am pretty sure there is an app just for sex(though you can even say dating apps are that too lol). You would be hard to find somebody matching that value you want. When sex is pretty much available at the click of the button and people(especially men) are willing to go for it. I had a friend from faculty that due to unique cultural upbringing was doing the same. But only because due to her upbringing, she believed her family would dishonor her if she was to have sex or even live together with a man and than return home. I met her family, dont think they would do it really. But they did install that fear into her. So she has done everything but vaginal sex. Which is kinda “cheating” but technically she was a virgin.

Anyway, at the end she found somebody of the same upbringing, who was willing to wait a bit and marry her. They are still married and have 2 kids. So its possible. Just dont think it was possible with this man. Or even a majority of them. Almost nobody is willing to wait for so long to be intimate, let alone to wait to get marry to have sex. And you would have to search harder to find somebody with that value.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, wonderlol said:

I feel like he is an anxious avoidant partner (his parents were emotionally unavailable) because throughout our relationship, he will pull back each time when we make milestone in our relationship. He would tell me he needs some space to think about us so he would not sabotage our relationship. He did share thoughts of breaking up with me when we first labeled us as a LTR and he was very stressed out from his work projects. I always assured him that everything will be alright as long as we communicate our needs and concerns. 

It might be about sex, but I think you're probably on the right track with what you said here. He's scared of intimacy, physically but moreso emotionally. He's a runner who will try to bolt when things start progressing. 

I once encountered a woman like that. Each time things would start going well, she would suddenly decide it wasn't going to work and want to end things. I reassured her and tried to work through whatever issue she was having. We would hit pause on the relationship. Pretty soon she would be okay again and we'd continue where we left off. 

What I learned was that as much as I wanted things to work, it takes two people to be fully committed. I did the right thing in trying to calm her fears and helping her out, but I couldn't be the one to resolve her issues for her. At one point it got to be too much and she gave up on us entirely. It hurt and devestated me. But I couldn't force her to be in something she wasn't willing to fully invest herself in. 

You did the right thing. You took things slow, which was what you both needed. You were there for him when he needed you. You spent as much time together as you could. His pulling away is a relfection of his own issues, not of you. Saying there is no spark is an excuse to justify his actions. There was a spark or he wouldn't have talked about starting a family. If there was no spark, then he wouldn't have been physical with you (and seemingly really enjoying it).  For whatever reason though, he doesn't want to face that spark and what it would mean.

It is possible to pick things back up. But the real question is if you want to. This is where he is in his life. Being with him sounds like you will need to be the constant voice of reassurance. You will need to work through his issues with him and recognize there is a danger in him doing this again. It could work out, or it could lead to more pain. You need to figure out how much you can handle and if the benefits outweigh the costs. 

And know that reaching out wasn't wrong our desparate. It was seeking closure and trying to understand a painful expereince. Whatever you need to do to heal and feel better about things, that's what you should do.

[ShySoul]

I also highly admire you for wanting to wait until marriage for sex. There are men out there who feel the same. And any man who is worth it will respect your boundaries and wait as long as necessary for both of you to be comfortable with whatever happens. I know that if I say to a woman that I'll wait, that doesn't just mean for awhile until I get tired of waiting. It means until she is fully comfortable and ready to open herself completely - body, heart, and soul. I just figure the buildup makes it that much better should it actually does happen.

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, wonderlol said:

...throughout our relationship, he will pull back each time when we make milestone in our relationship. He would tell me he needs some space to think about us so he would not sabotage our relationship. He did share thoughts of breaking up with me when we first labeled us as a LTR and he was very stressed out from his work projects. I always assured him that everything will be alright...

Okay, so this didn't come out of nowhere, he's pulled back before, and repeatedly, over the course of the relationship. That was an important signal to recognize.

You always assured him... meaning, you would talk him out of his position. That's exactly why he doesn't want to talk about this with you now. His silence means that this is not negotiable.

You can't really prevent someone from wanting out. Sure, you might sell them on sticking things out for a time, but that's to your detriment and a waste of your time. You can't really force someone to want what they don't really want. So consider this a valuable thing to learn--when someone wants out, let them go. They're telling you that they aren't the right match for you, and you deserve to find the person who IS. When you find the right match, you won't need to scramble to make saves. Your investment will be mutual, and you'll feel secure.

Head high, and my heart goes out to you. Feel free to write more if it helps.

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all, I think five months is actually not that long to date if you're in the Western world. If it's some kind of arranged marriage and you're allowed to spend time together for five months before actually legally marrying then yes it's probably enough time. But in the Western culture five months can really just be a getting to know you phase. Usually people in the West don't rush into relationships and especially not into marriage these days. So after five months someone can say they're not feeling a spark even if you were actually having sex. They were seeing how the relationship goes and decided you weren't the right person.

I think where the sex is an issue is that you're saying you won't have sex before marriage. That puts a lot of pressure on the guy to then actually marry you but five months isn't that long to know each other. Especially because you met on a dating app and didn't even know each other before that. So it's different if you were friends or at least acquaintances first.

This guy probably didn't just want sex and was OK to wait but he wasn't going to wait forever. If you were being affectionate it's natural he would feel horny. He probably realised that he does want that physical and sexual intimacy. And he can't have it from you.

Do you say on your online dating profile what your beliefs about sex are? My advice would be to use Christian dating sites or go to church and meet guys who also want to wait for sex before marriage.

 

[smackie9]

A lot of men need sex to feel that "spark". Waiting for sex is for the few and far between. Gonna have to find a religious fellow that follows that moral value. 

[TeeDee]

As a general proposition women need to feel loved to have sex & men need to have sex to feel loved.  

Stick to your guns.  Find somebody who believes what you believe about premarital sex but understand that will be a small pool of people.  It wasn't this guy.  He may have thought he could abstain because it's the right thing to say but deep down he couldn't so he bailed. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, TeeDee said:

As a general proposition women need to feel loved to have sex & men need to have sex to feel loved.  

If that's true, makes me sad. Would also track with how I've always related better to females.

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Waiting for sex is for the few and far between. Gonna have to find a religious fellow that follows that moral value.

Not religious, still believe in waiting. All comes down to a personal decision based off your own individual beliefs.

I actually suspect the number of people willing to wait until marriage is higher then most think - both male and female. https://www.datingadvice.com/studies/1i5wwu

Wonderlol, stick to what is right for you. The right person will love you just as you are and respect whatever choices you make.

 

[Cherylyn]

Stick to your values and wait.  I waited until I was married.  It is an unpopular mindset nowadays but it doesn't matter.  Never go with the crowd just because it's the majority. 

Don't bother him anymore.  He has made it very clear that he has since moved on as should you.  Since he's not interested in his belongings,  either donate or discard his stuff.  Should he contact you,  let him know you've already attempted to return his stuff to no avail.  It's his loss. 

There's no spark.  He most likely wanted sex and since he didn't get it,  he'll seek sex elsewhere.