He lied about his age

[pmw06092016]

I met a guy on a dating app and it said he was 5 years older than me on his profile. 
I’m 39 and him 44.
We had the first date and hit it off amazingly and had so much in common and just got on so well & I felt a connection. I asked him direct his age at the table because I felt he looked slightly older and he said his age again which was 5 years older than me. He asked if I usually go for older men and I said the oldest has been around 7 years. Since we’ve met we have had several long phone conversations and lots of lovely dates, he is lovely to me, gentlemanly kind generous, good job ect. We had a weekend away which he took me on, got even closer, became intimate. Here’s the problem… After coming back from being away I saw a letter on his table which revealed he’s actually 54 so 15 years older than me not 5. I was in complete shock. I confronted him, he said his friends said all men lie about age on dating apps and he feels a lot younger and wanted a certain age bracket so put his age lower, I asked him why he couldn’t tell me at the date and he said he has no excuse he just didn’t feel it was important and said the longer it went on the harder it became and he didn’t want to lose me. I am heartbroken I have fallen for him and I’ve no idea what to do. I have had some awful men and he’s not like that. I just feel so sad and at a loss what to do.

[smackie9]

12 minutes ago, pmw06092016 said:

I met a guy on a dating app and it said he was 5 years older than me on his profile. 
I’m 39 and him 44.
We had the first date and hit it off amazingly and had so much in common and just got on so well & I felt a connection. I asked him direct his age at the table because I felt he looked slightly older and he said his age again which was 5 years older than me. He asked if I usually go for older men and I said the oldest has been around 7 years. Since we’ve met we have had several long phone conversations and lots of lovely dates, he is lovely to me, gentlemanly kind generous, good job ect. We had a weekend away which he took me on, got even closer, became intimate. Here’s the problem… After coming back from being away I saw a letter on his table which revealed he’s actually 54 so 15 years older than me not 5. I was in complete shock. I confronted him, he said his friends said all men lie about age on dating apps and he feels a lot younger and wanted a certain age bracket so put his age lower, I asked him why he couldn’t tell me at the date and he said he has no excuse he just didn’t feel it was important and said the longer it went on the harder it became and he didn’t want to lose me. I am heartbroken I have fallen for him and I’ve no idea what to do. I have had some awful men and he’s not like that. I just feel so sad and at a loss what to do.

Depends on your future expectations....for example if you are thinking marriage with children it's a no brainer to sent this gentleman off. But if you are just looking for a companion, casual relationship then it shouldn't be an problem. Just take note, in your 50's you will be probably taking care of an elderly man. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, pmw06092016 said:

… After coming back from being away I saw a letter on his table which revealed he’s actually 54 so 15 years older than me not 5. I was in complete shock. I confronted him, he said his friends said all men lie about age on dating apps and he feels a lot younger and wanted a certain age bracket so put his age lower,

Sorry this happened. You must feel betrayed. Unfortunately you two hit it off well and only then did he reveal his deception and only upon confrontation. Hopefully you will be able to either let go and consider the relationship or more forward. 

[pmw06092016]

Sorry I forgot to mention. We both have our own children and don’t intend on having more. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@pmw06092016I'm not hung up on age, so IF this were me, I'd definitely be able to let this go given how great your connection is and your relationship overall (from what you've posted).

Re the lying, again if me, I would tell him kindly but assertively if our relationship stands a chance of working out long term, which I assume is what you both want, NO more lying. 

That he needs to trust you with the truth no matter what it is, period.  And you promise you will do the same.  Any more lies, and we're done.

Set that boundary (kindly but assertively).  But let this one go.

Unless you're looking for an out and if you are, then yeah this would do it. 

Are you?

Re having children, plenty of men have children in their 50s and can be GREAT dads.  My own dad did and he was an awesome father to my step-siblings. 

A famous celebrity couple, Annette Bening and Warren Beatty are another example.

Warren was 55 and Annette was 34 when they married and had their first child.  They now have three kids!  

His age (55), her age (34) when they married. 

Try to understand why he lied in this case, versus judge. 

Sadly "understanding" is what many relationships lack in our current dating environment imo.

One wrong move and you're out! 

Course you're not me and you need to do what's right for you and I wish you luck whatever you decide.

 

[pmw06092016]

Thank you for your responses.

I’ll let you know what happens.

[yogacat]

Well - It's certainly not the best way to put your best foot forward to start a relationship because there could be trust issues.

Some people might feel self-conscious about their age, but 15 years is a significant gap to cover up.

It's totally fine to feel young and hang out with and date younger people. But lying about it on his dating profile, then when you outright asked him, only to find out yourself after your intimate getaway RATHER then him being forthcoming at some point suggests that he's not completely comfortable in his own skin.

I'm sure it has to do with embarrassment, fear of losing out due to a large age gap, or past experience where his age was a barrier to dating someone as young as yourself.

Is he so afraid of getting older that he's lying about approaching his mid-50s? Is he hoping to find a younger partner to make himself feel younger as well?

It's something to be cautious about.

GL

[Batya33]

For me that lie was always a dealbreaker.  I was always honest including when I was in my late 30s and looked much much younger  Because I was honest I know for sure I didn't come up in certain men's searches.  Two of my friends married people who lied on dating sites.  I also didn't date men who lied on the profile to come up in younger people's searches then "confessed".  Totally fine if it's not a dealbreaker for others!  I also have heard it's more acceptable to lie as a woman -I don't buy that either.  I have a friend who lies.  Another friend of mine -male -messaged me realizing I knew her and said he was thinking of meeting her.  I know he doesn't date women older than he is -he is 59 - and I didn't want to be involved in her lie -so I simply said I hadn't been in touch with her in a very long time and didn't feel comfortable advising him on whether to meet her.  I don't think they met -he probably googled and figured out her lie.

I think it's different to lie when it's not on a profile -I believe in being factually honest on a dating profile -or leaving blank.  I am referring to marital status, educational degrees, occupation, where you live.  In real life I can see where a woman might say she doesn't want to say her age or give a younger age especially if she's not looking to get serious etc (or a man!).

[MissCanuck]

Nope, I woudln't pass "Go" with this guy. 

He lied more than once, and didn't come clean. You found out on your own and had to confront him about it. 

I wouldn't bother trying to build trust with someone who lies right to my face for their own gain, right out of the gate. Next. 

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Nope, I woudln't pass "Go" with this guy. 

He lied more than once, and didn't come clean. You found out on your own and had to confront him about it. 

I wouldn't bother trying to build trust with someone who lies right to my face for their own gain, right out of the gate. Next. 

Yep, unfortunately, I'd feel the same way. A foundation of trust is crucial to me. I'd never know what to believe from the guy going forward, and harboring that kind of insecurity is just not how I'd want to live.

[pmw06092016]

I am just absolutely gutted. I have had some awful relationships and dates and I have been happy on my own but I just want to find the right one and settle down and I thought that was him. I’m just so sick of investing time in someone and it not working out. 
It’s really getting me down now.

[Kwothe28]

Sadly, lots of people who are are using OLD lie about looks, age, marital status etc. And you have to look that as a deal breaker. For example, he lies because he likes to hook up with younger women. Since they probably wont go for 55 he decided to reduce that by 1 or 2 years. Or 10! Somebody like that doesnt after meaningful connection. And just wants physical one. Hence why he wants somebody 15 years younger. Dont fall for that and view this as a red flag now and in the future if it happens again.

[boltnrun]

Remember, his lying isn't your fault. It isn't a reflection on you. He CHOSE to deceive you. More than once. He had chances to come clean and he chose to continue to lie.

And his excuses are BS. He wanted to date young women so he chose to lie? He could have described himself as "middle aged but youthful man seeks somewhat younger woman". Sure, that may have weeded out women who don't want to date middle aged men, but how did his lying work out for him? He hurt you, someone who didn't deserve to be hurt.

I would not give him a third (or fourth, or whatever) chance. He knows lying is bad but selfishly did it anyway. That's a "nope" for me. 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Remember, his lying isn't your fault. It isn't a reflection on you. He CHOSE to deceive you. More than once. He had chances to come clean and he chose to continue to lie.

And his excuses are BS. He wanted to date young women so he chose to lie? He could have described himself as "middle aged but youthful man seeks somewhat younger woman". Sure, that may have weeded out women who don't want to date middle aged men, but how did his lying work out for him? He hurt you, someone who didn't deserve to be hurt.

I would not give him a third (or fourth, or whatever) chance. He knows lying is bad but selfishly did it anyway. That's a "nope" for me. 

OP I really hope this lifts your spirits some and helps you feel better.  I could not agree more.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I am just absolutely gutted. I have had some awful relationships and dates and I have been happy on my own but I just want to find the right one and settle down and I thought that was him. I’m just so sick of investing time in someone and it not working out. 
It’s really getting me down now.

@pmw06092016I am sorry you feel gutted, I truly am. 

Re my opinion earlier, I suppose for me, especially during these precarious early stages, when discovering a "wrong," everyone deserves a second chance AFTER you make it clear it's not acceptable and set that boundary - no more lying or we're done.  That trust is SO very important to you and that he can trust you, and you will do the same.

I think a lot of assumptions are being made about him that have no real basis in fact and could be interpreted in many different ways.  Such as he lied about his age because only wants to hook up with young chicks, he's only looking for a hook up, etc.

People often lie because THEY feel insecure, about their age, growing older, could be anything. 

I am not absolving it, but rather attempting to "understand" it in this particular case.

Had you not posted what's below, my opinion might be completely different, but in THIS particular case, since you felt such a strong connection with each other and he's shown you in so many ways what a good man and partner he would be (or could be), it may be worth not pre-judging and setting the boundary so he KNOWS where you stand and to never lie to you again.  JMO but I think we all deserve that chance.

Depending of course that the "wrong" was.

5 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

Since we’ve met we have had several long phone conversations and lots of lovely dates, he is lovely to me, gentlemanly kind generous, good job ect. We had a weekend away which he took me on, got even closer, became intimate.

I know this is just a movie, but as I've said before, movies often depict real life.  Do you recall the movie "You've Got Mail," with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan?  He lied to her for MONTHS about who he actually was!! 

Yet they fell in love even after she discovered his deception.  Course we don't know the ultimate outcome because it was just a movie and there was no sequel.

I dunno, again you should do what's right for YOU, always, and if you cannot get past this, then wish him well and say goodbye.

I am just giving a different perspective for you to consider that's all.

Again, I am sorry and all the best whatever you decide.

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

he said his friends said all men lie about age on dating apps and he feels a lot younger and wanted a certain age bracket so put his age lower, I asked him why he couldn’t tell me at the date and he said he has no excuse he just didn’t feel it was important

He didn't just lie at the first meet. He chose to continue the deception even when asked. And when there was finally irrefutable evidence he made excuses and responded selfishly. Yes, he did choose to lie so he could date younger women. His motivations were self-serving. It wasn't a "mistake".

I would wonder how he might choose to act if something else difficult came along such as losing a lot of money on a bet or smashing your car. 

I understand how much this must hurt. But again, this is not a reflection on you or your character. HE did this, not you. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I suppose for me, especially during these precarious early stages, when discovering a "wrong," everyone deserves a second chance AFTER you make it clear it's not acceptable and set that boundary - no more lying or we're done.

Sorry, I just don't confuse being open minded with putting up with being lied to. He's a grown man, yet he's disingenuous enough to feign ignorance about lying being wrong. It's like a jerky kid saying, "Wul, you didn't say that I can't lie, so I did it..." That's not a man who would interested me--and it's not even about him. It's about me and my valuable time that I can't get back because I've been punked. I be less hurt than furious, but I wouldn't show that to him because he wouldn't deserve that amount of energy from me. Buh-bye.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I confronted him, he said his friends said all men lie about age on dating apps and he feels a lot younger and wanted a certain age bracket so put his age lower, I asked him why he couldn’t tell me at the date and he said he has no excuse he just didn’t feel it was important and said the longer it went on the harder it became and he didn’t want to lose me. 

I agree his reasoning here^ wasn't good however it's a rare man who will admit to a new woman that he lied because HE feels insecure. 

No one's perfect.  We all have flaws.  We all make mistakes. 

And yes lying IS wrong, I'm not defending but this is the time when you assertively set the boundary - NO more lying or we're done - so he knows it is important to YOU.

It's what I would do and HAVE done in the past. He 'got it' and never lied to me again to my knowledge. 

Even if/when it was not something I relished to hear, but he was always truthful after that because I had set that boundary.  And he told me later in the relationship he had a lot of respect for me for doing so.

Again jmo OP and up to you. 

[Vesna]

I have to say that I agree with what rainbowsandroses says above. I think pmw should give him one more chance. Maybe it’s because my parents (who have since passed away) have the following story: My American born mother met my dad who was a foreigner here in the early 60’s. She was just 16 years old. He told her he was 20. I know that her age, especially today would be a problem but that’s a story for another time. 
 

Anyways, they got married when she turned 18. He told her that his birthday was some random day in November and she even baked him a cake in November. One day, I don’t know why, he decided to tell her the truth and told her not only was his birthday in April, but that the year was different as well. He was actually eight years older than her, not four! So she was a 16 year old girl dating a 24 year old man. 
 

Im still not sure why he made himself younger. Probably just because she was so young. My mother was very surprised at his confession, but what could she do at that point? She was married and had me already. They were married for 60 years until my father passed away first, then my mother passed away a couple of years later. They had a very happy and loving relationship and worked side by side in their own business together everyday of their lives…Vesna

[Andrina]

Pay attention to very telling things about a person's character. A woman I know was being set up by her friend. Her friend and the man went over to "Karen's" house. When a piece of ice came out of her ice maker when she'd told him to help himself with ice water, instead of picking it up off the floor, he kicked it under the refrigerator. Karen was no longer interested in a man such as this.

Your guy is self-serving, so don't assume this is the only area in his life, nor the only time he will perform in his own best interest, while he could care less that he's keeping something very important from someone else. That's egregious behavior. Shows his lack of ethical caring. Even if you're a new acquaintance, he owed you that honesty because it's a major thing that affects you. Plus, he's plain stupid thinking you'd forever be left in the dark. Maybe he was okay with temporary and knew he'd be found out.

And even as some people's large age-gap relationships work, surveys say the norm is that the bigger the age gap, the higher risk of failure. On average, one person is retiring 15 years earlier than the other, developing elderly health problems 15 years earlier than a partner, etc. Not for me, but some people worry less than me, apparently. I'm already burning out by having to do a lot for my elderly father. Thank God my husband close in age to me, because I wouldn't also want to care for an elderly husband when we should be going through similar stages of aging instead.

I'd also consider his shallowness if he refuses to date women around his age. 

If I were you, I'd throw the smelly fish back into the pond and when you're up to it, try Meetup.com groups for a break from OLD. Take care.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He didn't just lie at the first meet. He chose to continue the deception even when asked. And when there was finally irrefutable evidence he made excuses and responded selfishly. Yes, he did choose to lie so he could date younger women. His motivations were self-serving. It wasn't a "mistake".

I would wonder how he might choose to act if something else difficult came along such as losing a lot of money on a bet or smashing your car. 

I understand how much this must hurt. But again, this is not a reflection on you or your character. HE did this, not you. 

One of my friends is married to a man I declined to meet because he lied about his age.  They seem happy.  As for the other one I spoke with him, he "confessed" and I also found him arrogant. My friend dated him for about  7 years, engaged twice during that time/broke up on and off and finally discovered he had a porn addiction so that was the end.  She is married now to a man she met also through an online site-I believe - they are very happy.  She's in her 50s now.

I agree with Boltnrun - not only did he lie but he acted in a selfish and deceitful way. I would run and be thrilled to have dodged a bullet.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I asked him why he couldn’t tell me at the date and he said he has no excuse he just didn’t feel it was important and said the longer it went on the harder it became and he didn’t want to lose me. 

How did you respond after he told you this^?  How are things now, are you still talking to each other, do you have plans to see each other again?

After reading the responses, are you any more clear about what you're going to do?

I have two stories to share about this:

No 1.  I dated a man for nine months who I thought was never married.  I had never asked him, I just assumed he never was because he never said otherwise (my bad and I have since learned).  After nine months, I met his sister at her home and saw a pic of my boyfriend with another woman and asked his sister who she was.  She said it was his WIFE!  Now ex-wife.  I asked my boyfriend about it and he said he didn't think it was important and I had never asked.  In that situation, because of other shady behavior from him during the nine months, I broke up with him.  

No 2. Another boyfriend had originally told me he was 24 (I was also 24).  After dating a few months as we were getting serious, he told me he was actually 27.  Not a huge difference but anyway, he was a great boyfriend, there was nothing shady about him, I trusted him, he was my "masculine best friend" and after I set my boundary - NO MORE LIES -  we ended up dating for four years and he was always truthful no matter what it was.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is you have to do what is right for you and what your gut tells you to do because I do believe every relationship is different and has a different dynamic.

And if you truly believe in your heart of hearts that setting a boundary like I did with my no. 2 scenario would NOT help and that you could never trust him again, then wish him well and walk.

Despite my earlier posts, I DO understand.   I also do NOT believe in remaining in a relationship with a man you do not trust and don't believe you could ever trust.

That's the bottom line imo.

Again good luck.

 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I am just absolutely gutted. I have had some awful relationships and dates and I have been happy on my own but I just want to find the right one and settle down and I thought that was him. I’m just so sick of investing time in someone and it not working out. 
It’s really getting me down now.

My heart goes out to you. I'd be more angry than sad, because this isn't some unfortunate circumstance that has created a barrier for you--it was deception.

And it was deliberate.

I'd allow anger to carry me forward with determination that I can't be derailed from my quest for a good match. Set up a bunch of new quick-meets and go enjoy meeting people for coffee.

It might be helpful to get clear about natural odds. Most people are NOT our match. This is true for everyone, so don't sabotage yourself mentally. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you strike simpatico with the RIGHT person. A liar is not him.

Consider every disappointment along the way as moving you forward toward finding your person. It only takes one.

[yogacat]

I appreciate the dilemma you’re in here. You’ve met someone who you really like and feel a strong connection to, but the fact that he lied about his age has shaken your trust and caused some doubts about your relationship. I can understand why you feel heartbroken and unsure about what to do next.

Lying about his age was not a good decision on his part.

He was not forthcoming when you asked him directly, and you found out later through a letter. So of course that is going to create feelings of betrayal and mistrust, and rightfully so.

Yes, he outright lied about his age on a couple of occasions so red flag, but you also mentioned that he’s “lovely to you, gentlemanly, kind, generous, etc." Had he on his own accord told you the truth later, like, coming to you and saying "Hey, I need to come clean and tell you the ACTUAL truth now about my age," would you have felt the same betrayal?

IF so then a length suggestion is: end things now and move on and I’d agree. However, if you feel in your heart that you would have forgiven him and moved on from this had he been honest from the beginning, then I’d say, explore your thoughts and see where they land.

Now, here is the thing, we are none of us perfect, you and I included. We all make mistakes and poor choices sometimes. But we also have to then face the consequences of our actions, which in this case is your trust in him.  

You gave him the benefit of trust when the conversation was going on the first time. Leaning into your truth now is crucial here: "I am hurt that you lied to me but let's say IF I am willing to give you the benefit of my trust. How are you going to repair it?" The words won’t come easy. How is he going to rebuild the trust?

That is on him and that is his question to ponder over. He’s got to recognize that he has not played his cards right and the connection that you two share could be lost.  

I do think that forgiveness is important. I'm just not sure his reason of "I was trying to attract a certain age bracket..." - when you asked him - is sufficient. If he had at some point come to you and given you his real age, 100% maybe I let it go. 

He didn't. And that is where I get stuck.

Which, I surmise, is also why you don't feel good or assured right now. 

[Starlight925]

Me?  I'd end it immediately.

Lying for me is a 1-time offense.

Also, for me, 15 years age difference is too much.

You do you boo, but you asked for opinions, so that's mine.