Guys that help the damsel in distress....

[yogacat]

Guys that help the damsel in distress....

What do you make of these men?

Are they drawn to unhealthy or toxic relationships where the dynamic is constantly centered around the damsel in distress and the rescuer, leading to codependency and enabling behavior?

 Or are they just simps, lol.

[HeartGoesOn]

What are "simps"?

[Wiseman2]

Manners are still alive and well in some circles so if I open a door for a lady I would hardly call that being "simo" or toxic. Depends on how you were brought up an what circles you travel in. 

[boltnrun]

Why does it have to be negative? 

[HeartGoesOn]

It's called common courtesy, along with being a gentleman.

[Capricorn3]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Manners are still alive and well in some circles so if I open a door for a lady I would hardly call that being "simo" or toxic. Depends on how you were brought up an what circles you travel in. 

I second this post.  In a world where good manners are now sorely lacking, to me it's refreshing to see people who have still got some common decency and courtesy.

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Manners are still alive and well in some circles so if I open a door for a lady I would hardly call that being "simo" or toxic. Depends on how you were brought up an what circles you travel in. 

Not what I'm talking about.

I get that all the time.

And yes, it's lovely.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Guys that help the damsel in distress....

What do you make of these men?

Are they drawn to unhealthy or toxic relationships where the dynamic is constantly centered around the damsel in distress and the rescuer, leading to codependency and enabling behavior?

 Or are they just simps, lol.

What would be the context of such a damsel, and would these be the only options to describe anyone who might help her?

I, myself a woman, have been harmed while helping other women in domestic violence situations. Does this make me unhealthy, toxic or a simp?

Maybe you can offer some examples of the types of scenarios you have in mind so we can comment?

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What would be the context of such a damsel, and would these be the only options to describe anyone who might help her?

I, myself a woman, have been harmed while helping other women in domestic violence situations. Does this make me unhealthy, toxic or a simp?

Maybe you can offer some examples of the types of scenarios you have in mind so we can comment?

No problem.

It's a trend word where she is a (pardon my french....) a sh*t magnet and made to appear to be helpless and victim as well as infantile.

The context of this damsel could be referring to a woman who is constantly seeking help or rescue from others, either in real life or online. She may present herself as in need of constant protection and affection, often playing up a stereotypical "damsel in distress" image. This may also refer to someone who deliberately creates drama and becomes reliant on others to come to her aid.

Sorry, just being observant and set in my ways. A scrubba-doo??

Essentially, someone who "scrubs" or cleans others out emotionally, draining them with their constant need for help or validation.

[Seraphim]

I guess it depends on the generation. My husband was recently chided in an email at work for offering help to a female employee. I told him not to bother that today’s woman doesn’t want help. Let them take their slings and arrows and consequences etc it isn’t worth the chiding, however I do like help and realize the intention is well meant . 

[itsallgrand]

Made me recall a cousin of my mom's. She married an alcoholic, had many children with him. He decided he needed to clean up for his kids, and got sober. Good, right?! She left him, he stayed clean. She married another alcoholic. She is still bouncing from alcoholic man to drug addled man to this day. 

Some people only feel comfortable when those around them are hot messes. They can focus on all the ways the other is messed up, and not have to look at themselves. A healthy person would challenge their own unhealthy behaviors.

 

 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Made me recall a cousin of my mom's. She married an alcoholic, had many children with him. He decided he needed to clean up for his kids, and got sober. Good, right?! She left him, he stayed clean. She married another alcoholic. She is still bouncing from alcoholic man to drug addled man to this day. 

Some people only feel comfortable when those around them are hot messes. They can focus on all the ways the other is messed up, and not have to look at themselves. A healthy person would challenge their own unhealthy behaviors.

 

 

There is that too. Sometimes it is maladaptive. 

[yogacat]

I am not talking about being chivalrous. That's a given.

Rather, they use their positions of weakness to exploit empathy and affection.

It's manipulative and not genuine. 

Their actions are not rooted in genuine care or concern for others, but rather a desire to gain something for themselves. I think this display of false weakness can be damaging to genuine relationships and our perception of what true vulnerability and empathy look like. 

She was a fake damsel in distress that people would pity.

Just saying. 😉
 

[Seraphim]

Ah, yeah I don’t like that and never acted that way . My husband used to fall for that. I call it Capt Save A Hoe. He isn’t like that anymore thankfully. However, recently he interceded for one of his public employees( female)  and got slammed by a fellow government employee. ( female) I said let them fight it out . 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

. She was a fake damsel in distress that people would pity.

Who is this person? 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Guys that help the damsel in distress....

What do you make of these men?

I'm confused...

It seems initially you were talking about men, now you've shifted to talking about women who pretend to be "in distress".

Who exactly is this thread directed at?  Men who help women, or women who pretend to need help?

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is this person? 

I've seen it in my life a few times.........

It's a play out of a playbook to trigger a man's hero instinct in order for women to think that they need you even if you are garbage, you're right most women are not attracted to weak men but any man that has been in any healthy successful relationship will tell you that the relationship is about both parties giving to one another rather than playing fragile vs independent.

[Capricorn3]

37 minutes ago, yogacat said:

made to appear to be helpless and victim as well as infantile.

The context of this damsel could be referring to a woman who is constantly seeking help or rescue from others, either in real life or online. She may present herself as in need of constant protection and affection, often playing up a stereotypical "damsel in distress" image. This may also refer to someone who deliberately creates drama and becomes reliant on others to come to her aid.

I'll try this again. My posts keep disappearing.

And the guy who comes to rescue her - the knight in shining armour?  I see both these individuals as people with very low self-esteem.  Both looking for attention in their own way.

[Capricorn3]

52 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Essentially, someone who "scrubs" or cleans others out emotionally, draining them with their constant need for help or validation.

AKA emotional vampires.

[catfeeder]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

...It's a trend word where she is a (pardon my french....) a sh*t magnet and made to appear to be helpless and victim as well as infantile.

The context of this damsel could be referring to a woman who is constantly seeking help or rescue from others, either in real life or online. She may present herself as in need of constant protection and affection, often playing up a stereotypical "damsel in distress" image. This may also refer to someone who deliberately creates drama and becomes reliant on others to come to her aid.

Ahh! Okay, got it. Thanks, YC. We see this in all sexes, and of course, they play to and attract the 'saviors' among us.

While some people have a learned dependency, this continues to be fed by those who have a co-dependency that attempts to fix others.

So what it it that you would you like to discuss about this? Is there a specific instance that we might be able to help with?

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, yogacat said:

..It's a play out of a playbook to trigger a man's hero instinct in order for women to think that they need you even if you are garbage, 

It goes both ways. There are plenty of rescuers that are women. They mother and coddle men.   Agree that both the rescuers and the "fragile" have major self esteem issues. Still not sure what this rant is really about with the switch hitting from men are "simps" to women are damsels? 

[ShySoul]

I think it comes down to motivation.

I'm a guy that is naturally on the sensitive side. I don't like seeing anyone hurt. I've always related better with women and been closer to them. Plus I was close to my mother growing up and know the things that she had to go through. So my instinct is generally to protect and help women. That's not to say they can't help themselves or that I'm trying to be the knight in shining armor. I have called out a woman for unhealthy behavior. I think for some people it's just a genuine desire to help a person who is hurting.

Likewise, there will be men that do allow themsevles to be taken advantage of. They may lack self confidence. Their motivation might be appear the hero to get that boost of confidence and approval. Maybe they are more concerned with appearing like the strong male protector. I think they are more likely to fall prey to women using them.

On the female side, it's the same. There will be women who genuinely appreciate a man who is willing to come to their aid when they need help. There will be women who try to manipulate men for their own benefit. There will be women who refuse any help from a man, thinking that makes them look weak. There are all kinds of women, each with their own motivations.

Every combination happens, it all depends on the people involved. I like to think that in general, like attracts like. More toxic people who like to create drama will more often find themselves with other toxic people, creating the drama they both crave. The rescurer types will eventually find another rescuerer and they will mutually help each other. People will probably have to go through a relationship or two with their opposing kind, but in the end the universe has a way of balancing everything out.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

What are "simps"?

Lowest form of men. See, its understandable for you to be chivalrous and give gifts to your wife or girlfriend. But "simps" do it, for example to Twitch Thots(dont let me start to explain what that is lol). Even though those women are married and in a relationship. Simps still act like "White Knights" and act chivalrous and send them gifts. Because they want to gain a favor with those women and maybe date them one day(like that is ever going to happen lol). There is a famous case of one of those giving 10k dollars to the woman just to meet her. Just for her to use that money to travel the world with her boyfriend. I dunno which one is worse, those women who exploit that, or those men who willingly allow to be exploited. But I think I explained it nicely for people who dont know Internet slang.

I am guessing that OP thinks on that kind of situations. Somebody who deliberately "plays a victim" only for men to jump in and help them. And not on just "being chivalrous" and helping a woman. In this case its a "codependency" relationship. One bad behavior cant exist without the other. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

I am not talking about being chivalrous. That's a given.

Rather, they use their positions of weakness to exploit empathy and affection.

It's manipulative and not genuine. 

Their actions are not rooted in genuine care or concern for others, but rather a desire to gain something for themselves. I think this display of false weakness can be damaging to genuine relationships and our perception of what true vulnerability and empathy look like. 

She was a fake damsel in distress that people would pity.

Just saying. 😉
 

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this.

[Batya33]

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this.

I'm getting a vibe maybe of an attempt to male bash and it's not my cup of tea.  Honestly I could have used a bit more pampering by men and women alike when I was noticeably pregnant and working full time and really hard -I took off one day to work from home when I felt really ill and actually had to do a complicated assignment. 

I had one instance when I was loudly criticized at a UPS store where I went just to get passport photos taken because I was annoyed with a man who let a heavy box drop on my foot and didn't think it was a big deal (obviously can't hurt baby except who wants to start messing with pain meds etc from an injury while pregnant). Another where a maintenance person made fun of me for walking up stairs too slowly (before I was noticeably pregnant but very tired and elevator was broken), and a 2 hour dinner with a female friend who not once asked me just basically "how are you feeling?" But went on about how her life was going (she did not have children -and  this shouldn't have mattered -it's common sense to ask your pregnant friend how she's feeling).

Obviously, some of this is bad manners but I can say -as the OP seems to be speculating -that it's part of a bigger problem of thinking we're all supposed to feel and act strong and independent, not need others help or protection so it leads to not even asking or expecting someone to suck it up.  I would have appreciated more damsel treatment when I had a 10 month old and was entertaining 3 other adults two of whom were related to my baby who watched me make sure the crawling baby wasn't crawling into an unsafe place while making sure everyone had lunch and -oh no worries I'll sit on the floor when I finally get my plate ready since we ran out of seats. 

Yes a little overprotection in the manner of "no no here let me get you a chair - wait - don't sit yet - do you need a refill on your drink?"

And you know what who the heck cares where it's coming from at that point -I'm not going to get into the weeds and question all motives especially if it comes from a bias against the non-fairer gender lol. Why not default to - good manners/common sense and if it comes across as patronizing or self-serving once in awhile -ok cool let it  go if it's not that  way other times.  Sometimes people do this out of a sense of obligation or are in a mood where they do want attention for going the extra mile -you know what -let it go and try to look at the whole picture.

And fine if there's a set up that works for a couple where one person acts all helpless so the other person can strut around and be all powerful - fine if it works for them and no abuse, cool.  Wouldn't be for me at all but I know for sure it's not some widespread gender-related issue.