When You Look Good, You FEEL Good...

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I likely would have said some excuse to make a quick exit.  

I am much too polite sometimes and I mean that seriously, I really do feel that way.  It sort of relates to me being too "easy going" about certain things like when a man (boyfriend or even my boss) harshly lashes out at me, or verbally assaults.  Not swearing but just overly harsh as I have discussed in some of my threads.

I am not assertive enough!  I'm too passive.   Like I know certain women who would not tolerate even a fraction of the stuff I tolerate and it's not like it always bothers me either, otherwise maybe I would not tolerate it.

This is off topic (but it's my thread so I can 🙂 ), but because of my mom and my upbringing, I think I may have numbed myself to it, or become too 'familiar' with it and I am able to brush it off, no big deal.

This is NOT good because it can escalate to where I am being used a punching bag.

I am finally acknowledging this about myself!!

Anyway, thanks for listening and back to topic!!

 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am much too polite sometimes and I mean that seriously, I really do feel that way.  It sort of relates to me being too "easy going" about certain things like when a man (boyfriend or even my boss) harshly lashes out at me, or verbally assaults.  Not swearing but just overly harsh as I have discussed in some of my threads.

I am not assertive enough!  I'm too passive.   Like I know certain women who would not tolerate even a fraction of the stuff I tolerate and it's not like it always bothers me either, otherwise maybe I would not tolerate it.

This is off topic (but it's my thread so I can 🙂 ), but because of my mom and my upbringing, I think I may have numbed myself to it, or become too 'familiar' with it and I am able to brush it off, no big deal.

This is NOT good because it can escalate to where I am being used a punching bag.

I am finally acknowledging this about myself!!

Anyway, thanks for listening and back to topic!!

 

I wouldn't have for safety reasons since he is a stranger and would know how  to contact me.  Not because I am too polite or not assertive enough -not an issue for me in my daily life lol.

[LootieTootie]

Funny, not long ago I posted how my husband and I finally met in person at a bar after gaming for a couple of months. We both were not dressed up but I think we both were presentable. If it had been a "date" I definitely would have actually done my hair. But it wasn't, it was called a meet. I had it in topknot (like Mulan) and I just remembered thinking "I should have done my hair" the whole time we were together at the bar because I was thinking this man was hot (and he still is!) He did tell me he always liked my hair up and its what he saw when we were gaming online so I guess you can say, it worked out for me.

I think people can connect easily online - Ive done it many times where I meet a lot of gamers and we just clicked ONLINE, and then I actually hang out with them in real life, and they are just different. Its the same... I have staff under me who can write the most wittiest and funniest email and respond to me on Teams with the funniest messages in a split second, and when I go to lunch with them, they're just.... quiet....awkward. I'm like "hey where's that funny or smart arse side?"

So when you meet in real life, it can be so different. I think thats what happened and it comes down to compatibility. First impression is important to you, no question ask. This guy... not so much. 

I am also a firm believer that when you meet someone, you just know. I think when you saw him, you just knew this isn't the guy for you. 

 

[boltnrun]

I brought up my bestie because the topic is "does looking good make you feel good?"  And I feel she is the flip side of that.  She always looks like she's ready for a glamour photo.  Not her outfits necessarily (she is perfectly comfortable in a pair of Ann Taylor khakis and a blouse) but full makeup, hair to the nines, etc. I think she can't feel good unless she looks good.  Not that looking good makes her feel good.

An example of this is when she and her then-boyfriend decided to live together.  She called me in a panic, exclaiming "I'm going to have to get up extra early every morning!"  And I asked why, and she said "Because I have to get up before he wakes up so I can put on my makeup!"  And I asked "Hasn't he seen you without makeup?"  and she said "No, of course not!"  And I wondered, do you really think he wouldn't love you anymore if he saw you without makeup?  She asked me how early I got up and I said, same time I always have.  And she said "You mean you don't get up before Husband does to do your makeup?"  And I wanted to ask her what Ellen asked Paige on the Ellen show..."Bestie, have you ever LOOKED at me??"  Because I am always minus makeup, so of course he saw me all the time without makeup because I didn't wear it!

And that showed me she was insecure about her looks, which I thought was nuts because as I mentioned before she is naturally almost unbelievably beautiful with a knockout figure to boot (size two with natural double D's, many men's fantasy lol).  I couldn't understand why she was so insecure about her looks.  So to compensate she always looks like a million bucks.  One time she stayed with me and it took her 15 minutes and four different products just to do her eyebrows!  I was done getting ready before she'd barely even started.

It's funny that we're even friends because we're so different, but she is such a sweet, giving and loving person.  And loyal. I love her character and the other things don't matter at all. I always joke that people think I'm a homeless person she decided to treat to lunch when they see us out together. I'm not dirty or smelly, but I'm in a jogger set and she's all decked out in Nordstrom. With heels.

I've always been this way, BTW.  I just don't place much importance on clothing or how I look.  In fact, I just got back from the bank and apparently my hair was standing on end on the top and the sides were sticking out like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.  Oops. Forgot to look in the mirror before I left.  Again.

BTW, rainbows, congrats on the new business.  I wish you much success.

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

First impression is important to you, no question ask. This guy... not so much. 

Yes this is very true.  And it's interesting because IF our "energies" clicked, like if I felt that certain somethin somethin I often discuss here (chemistry like we had online), his attire may not have bothered me, or not as much.

Or the message it sent that he did not care to make much effort, both of which turned me off if I'm honest.

So yes you are absolutely correct about that, we simply were NOT a match.  And it disappointed me because we really did click on line pretty well.  The image I had of him was different and not what I had expected.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I brought up my bestie because the topic is "does looking good make you feel good?"  And I feel she is the flip side of that.  She always looks like she's ready for a glamour photo.  Not her outfits necessarily (she is perfectly comfortable in a pair of Ann Taylor khakis and a blouse) but full makeup, hair to the nines, etc. I think she can't feel good unless she looks good.  Not that looking good makes her feel good.

An example of this is when she and her then-boyfriend decided to live together.  She called me in a panic, exclaiming "I'm going to have to get up extra early every morning!"  And I asked why, and she said "Because I have to get up before he wakes up so I can put on my makeup!"  And I asked "Hasn't he seen you without makeup?"  and she said "No, of course not!"  And I wondered, do you really think he wouldn't love you anymore if he saw you without makeup?  She asked me how early I got up and I said, same time I always have.  And she said "You mean you don't get up before Husband does to do your makeup?"  And I wanted to ask her what Ellen asked Paige on the Ellen show..."Bestie, have you ever LOOKED at me??"  Because I am always minus makeup, so of course he saw me all the time without makeup because I didn't wear it!

And that showed me she was insecure about her looks, which I thought was nuts because as I mentioned before she is naturally almost unbelievably beautiful with a knockout figure to boot (size two with natural double D's, many men's fantasy lol).  I couldn't understand why she was so insecure about her looks.  So to compensate she always looks like a million bucks.  One time she stayed with me and it took her 15 minutes and four different products just to do her eyebrows!  I was done getting ready before she'd barely even started.

It's funny that we're even friends because we're so different, but she is such a sweet, giving and loving person.  And loyal. I love her character and the other things don't matter at all. I always joke that people think I'm a homeless person she decided to treat to lunch when they see us out together. I'm not dirty or smelly, but I'm in a jogger set and she's all decked out in Nordstrom. With heels.

I've always been this way, BTW.  I just don't place much importance on clothing or how I look.  In fact, I just got back from the bank and apparently my hair was standing on end on the top and the sides were sticking out like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.  Oops. Forgot to look in the mirror before I left.  Again.

BTW, rainbows, congrats on the new business.  I wish you much success.

Bolt that is such a great story!  I appreciate your sharing it.

I knew a man (he was in my support group years ago) whose ex-girlfriend was the same.  They had been dating something like four years and he had never seen her without her makeup in all that time!

She went to bed with makeup, she woke up early to reapply her makeup, just like your friend.  He told me she wouldn't even walk out to her mailbox without her makeup!   He didn't mind, he was a great guy (from what I knew of him) and he loved her regardless. 

Course then again he had never seen her without makeup, but I highly doubt he would have cared.   In fact most men I know dislike too much makeup, and prefer the natural look assuming a woman can pull it off.  I am in SoCal though by the beach so that may be why.    

Me?  I wear a little blush, mascara (my eyelashes are platinum blonde like my hair, ugh) so I need mascara to look alive I think.  But sometimes I go without.

Like lolita, I love lipstick, not bright red I cannot pull that off, but a rose tone or my fave is "Live It Watermelon" by Josie Maran.

I also use a super hydrating lip balm by Chapstick.  "Total hydration" is what it's called, it's a natural lip plumper!   No need to get those dreaded lip injections, just keep your lips super hydrated and they will plump naturally - just a little tip if anyone is interested.🙂 

Thank you for all the good wishes re my new salon!   I have a great business partner who will handle the business side and I will handle the creative and marketing side.  I am nervous but excited! 

I will keep y'all posted!

 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He looked "dirty," that was my first impression.  Maybe he wasn't literally dirty, but he was messy and disheveled, as I said he literally looked like he just got back from surfing (old shorts, TANK top and old sandals).

Anyway nuff said about him.  He is who he is and perhaps another woman would not have been as turned off. 

 

 

I hear you.

I kind of get the sense (and maybe I am looking at this too deeply) is that you felt his showing up slovenly is somehow a reflection on his respect for you, his willingness to make an effort to impress you--and you were already possibly not impressed at all.  

That's totally fine and I would feel the same way. HOWEVER, I think it's more important to me to go by how a guy makes me feel. What's important is how he makes you feel, if he can spark something your trust and affection. Right now, none of what this one is doing is making you feel very good--am I right? 

For example, if you'd dressed down with him--say in a sundress and comfy sandals, would you have felt any better? To a point, right, but his slovenly appearance still would not have matched? This is how I see it.

How he looks does matter, for sure, but physical attraction only goes so far. If the sizzle is still there for you, his not dressing up will be negligible. But maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I kind of get the sense (and maybe I am looking at this too deeply) is that you felt his showing up slovenly is somehow a reflection on his respect for you, his willingness to make an effort to impress you--and you were already possibly not impressed at all.  

Yes this^ is very close to how I felt yoga, you got it.   As far as impressing, I am not one for needing man to "impress" me, but rather that he cares to make a "good impression."  I dunno is that the same thing?  

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

For example, if you'd dressed down with him--say in a sundress and comfy sandals, would you have felt any better? To a point, right, but his slovenly appearance still would not have matched? This is how I see it.

Bolded, in this case that (bolded) would have been dressing UP!  I was dressed quite casually in well-fitted jeans, pretty casual top and strappy sandals.  But I was clean and fresh looking, including my clothes, I did put forth some effort into looking nice.

The way you described his attire as "slovenly" that was the word I was searching for (in my head), that is a perfect description.

But again I don't want to trash him or his attire, he just wasn't for me and in turn I wasn't for him.

NEXT. 😀

 

[yogacat]

25 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes this^ is very close to how I felt yoga, you got it.   As far as impressing, I am not one for needing man to "impress" me, but rather that he cares to make a "good impression."  I dunno is that the same thing?  

Bolded, in this case that (bolded) would have been dressing UP!  I was dressed quite casually in well-fitted jeans, pretty casual top and strappy sandals.  But I was clean and fresh looking, including my clothes, I did put forth some effort into looking nice.

The way you described his attire as "slovenly" that was the word I was searching for (in my head), that is a perfect description.

But again I don't want to trash him or his attire, he just wasn't for me and in turn I wasn't for him.

NEXT. 😀

 

If I were to go into a date not caring too much about the guy, since I don't know him, I could see myself not caring a whole lot. But, maybe that's a good litmus test for chemistry LOL.

But, maybe, for this guy, he felt comforted by relaxed attire because he was not very experienced at dating and feeling very vulnerable/shy. I don't know. I am just taking a stab at it.

Then again, when I would get dressed up for dates, the first and foremost concern of mine is for ME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. And if I feel pretty, all the better. Because, then, when me and my date are having a conversation, I can say to myself, well, if he liked how I looked 😉 I am ahead of the game. 

But the title of the thread does bring up a quandary. Is it IF 'you look good you feel good?' Or, if 'you feel good you look good???'

If I am feeling good in the morning, the next thing I want to do is put on a little blush and golden peach shimmer. The brush tickles my cheeks. I feel happy. Brushing my flesh comforts me, and the warmest sensation flows down my tired face. I'm in the beginning stages of bringing forth light and color to my otherwise blank canvas.

I mean, there is something to be said for a man that puts effort into his appearance--I can't argue for that, but I just wonder if in this case his appearance was a reflection of another aspect of his personality that you didn't like.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

cute strapless sandals

I'm having trouble visualizing strapless sandals.  How do they stay on?  Is there some type of adhesive in the footbed?   

[catfeeder]

It's a cyclical thing for me. When I feel lazy, I don't feel like investing the effort, but I do anyway, and then the effort turns my ship around and I feel more energetic, AND I'm happy with how I look.

I can appreciate being turned off by someone who wouldn't make at least a basic effort to be clean and groomed. Okay, grooming varies, but I don't like bushy unkept beards or hair anyway. But unwashed? That's offensive.

 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm having trouble visualizing strapless sandals.  How do they stay on?  Is there some type of adhesive in the footbed?   

I was wondering the same thing. I've heard of strapless tops but never strapless sandals. 

Photo, please!

[Jaunty]

I am a vain person who enjoys the trappings of fashion, so I am reliable to put my best foot forward when it comes to sartorial and grooming realms.  

My sandals do have straps though.

[dias]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

was that he made zero effort to look "nice" for our meet and perhaps this sounds a bit entitled but I felt insulted by that.

That's the bottom line. This is the signal he sent. Although based on what you added he was indeed dirty. If he looked like a homeless....

[ShySoul]

For me how I look does not make feel good in the slightest. I will do what I need to for basic health and hygiene. That's just being respectful to myself and ensuring I can stay healthy enough to keep living. Otherwise, I couldn't care less. Clothes are there to protect me from the elements (and protect the eyes of the innocent from a sight that doesn't need to be seen 😉). They don't reflect the real me. My physical appearance is also not the real me. So I honestly don't see how looking better would make me feel better about myself.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what does looking good even mean? Good by whose standards? What I would consider looking good will vary wildly with what others will think. If its all a matter of individual tastes and preferences, is it something I really want to devote much time to? If I'm more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt then the latest trend, what difference does it make?

I've always been more focused on the inner world. The body is a shell. Who we are lies within... our thoughts, our emotions. I feel good when I can find peace with all the swirling thoughts in my head. I feel good when I am acting from my heart and helping someone in need. I feel good when I use my imagination to build something creative. It all comes from traits within me, not outside of me. And I feel the same with others. I won't be able to say what you were wearing five minutes after we part. But I will be able to say how you made me feel and the kind of person I sensed you were. 

I'd actually say its the reverse for me. When I feel good, I think I look better. Think that in general. When a person is truly happy with themself, their aura shines. It doesn't matter the outfit, the body, the accessories.. they have a natural confidence and belief in who they are and what they are doing. That will draw people to them. I keep the same look on the outside. But its when I've stopped caring about how I appear and just focus on being the real me inside, that's when I've got compliments on both sides - internal and external.

[ShySoul]

I also feel that if others perceive something about me by the way I dress or look, that has just as much to do with them and their personal opinions and biases. They have every right to feel as the are going to feel. But I learned long ago to not judge a book by its cover. How many tech companies create devices that change how people live, make bundles of money, and have lax dress codes? How many times has someone been dressed up nice and proper, only to be found out to be a rude jerk? We're in an age where people can work from home in pjs and be just as productive as wearing a suit in an office. 

Appearances can be deceiving. How you look on the outside may not be accurate to who you are on the inside.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I don't want to trash him or his attire, he just wasn't for me and in turn I wasn't for him.

This is a good philosophy. It's great you met in person for this reason.to access chemistry and compatibility. Unfortunately in this case there was neither and that's ok. He turned you off with his appearance and dress as well as whatever his lack of effort represented. 

He did ask why you're leaving so it's ok to tell him. It's not going to change anything but it's a little more specific than "we're not a match". 

Maybe he's a nice guy under the surface, maybe not. But if you can't stomach his appearance or demeanor, it doesn't matter.

Overall it's more important to be a diplomatic person than a snappy dresser, but he did ask so you told him.

[Kwothe28]

Men dont put an emphasis on their appearance like women do. Maybe in California they do since there is probably a large number of metrosexuals there, but in general, they dont. We dont go shopping and buy the whole clothes store. We go to buy new jeans because our last pair cant be wear anymore, go to the first shop and buy it. Its not something that lots of men puts an emphasis nore they derive their confidence about. That is why fashion industry is geared toward women, and not men. Because they are actually the ones who would buy all those silly products like "strapless sandals" to look good on some date.

That being said I think its important to at least look presentable. So it is a valid reason to be "off put" by somebody. However I would avoid direct confrontations about it to the date. As you can see its not really productive and the less you say about why it doesnt work its better. Stick with "We dont vibe well" or whatever people say about chemistry between two people today.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm having trouble visualizing strapless sandals.  How do they stay on?  Is there some type of adhesive in the footbed?   

Lol, these but the heel wasn't as high. 

https://www.yandy.com/4-Heel-Slide.php?gid=392570&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20414260446&utm_content=&utm_term=392570&campaignid=20414260446&adgroupid=&keyword=&device=m&gad_source=1

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm having trouble visualizing strapless sandals.  How do they stay on?  Is there some type of adhesive in the footbed?   

Mules they are called here in England unless I’m also thinking of the wrong thing! 
 

They just DO! Magic 🤣

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

Mules they are called here in England unless I’m also thinking of the wrong thing! 
 

They just DO! Magic 🤣

 

x

No they weren't mules, see pic I just posted except the heel was only 3 inches, not four inches.  Lol

 

[mylolita]

It’s a good topic @rainbowsandroses!

 

I have to say on reflection as someone who is always “well presented”, I actually don’t care half as much about other people and what they wear or how they present themselves! It’s just a thing for me and I guess it’s an aspect of my personality! 
 

Just laughing here @Kwothe28 and the “metrosexual” 🤣🤣🤣 My husband is EXACTLY the same! Will only buy a new t shirt if the thing has holes in it. He went to a high end auction houses in London to bid in cargo shorts and walking boots once. People just peg it down to being eccentric sometimes here in England but it’s not - he is just casual and doesn’t care 🤣 but he’s very clean! Shower at least once a day! And that’s the thing isn’t it! 
 

Actually don’t think I would be attracted to a guy who was really into style and fashion… I think it might throw me off! Maybe people would presume someone who loves style and make-up and all things aesthetic would want the same in a partner but that’s definitely not me! 
 

Some men are romantic looking and can pull off flamboyant and ornate styles - like Elvis Presley. He had a very romantic looking face. You couldn’t imagine him in anything plain, almost.

 

You have to do things for you I think in the feeling good and looks department. I think someone who really loves you embraces you as you are - so I’ve never tried to change my husband, because he doesn’t look like himself totally suited and booted! 
 

Metrosexual 🤣🤣🤣🧚‍♀️

 

x

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No they weren't mules, see pic I just posted except the heel was only 3 inches, not four inches.  Lol

 

In England here we refer to that strapless type of heel regardless of height as a mule! 
 

What do you guys call them in America? Strapless sandals? This is fascinating 🤣🤣🤣

 

x

[mylolita]

I’ve had some of the worst days of my life looking quite decent and I have a habit of dressing up for an argument 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

You glow from within! Feel confident, look confident. However that transpires for you, you go Glen Co Co! 
 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

Guys, thank you so much for all the responses!

For clarity, I wasn't questioning why I didn't care for his "look" or why I wasn't attracted to him, I only described his appearance to provide context as to why I asked the below quoted question in my original post and what HE actually criticized ME for.  See my original post. 

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What are your thoughts about it?   Does how you look impact how you feel?   That when you look good, you feel good?

Re his appearance, we like what we like.  I wasn't attracted to his 'slovenly' style, perhaps another woman would be.  

Years ago there was a female poster on another forum discussing how she became attracted to a man who was literally homeless and looked it!  He was extremely intellectual and she was intrigued by his 'unconventional' lifestyle (homeless).

There's a lid for every pot, his lid nor the message it sent (that he didn't give a *) just wasn't for me...

Thanks again! 💛