When You Look Good, You FEEL Good...

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, mylolita said:

England here we refer to that strapless type of heel regardless of height as a mule! 

What do you guys call them in America? Strapless sandals? This is fascinating

You're right!  I was thinking of something else, more like a clog... lol

What I wore I would refer to as a "slide" but again technically they're called mules too! 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

As you can see its not really productive and the less you say about why it doesnt work its better. Stick with "We dont vibe well" or whatever people say about chemistry between two people today.

In retrospect this^ is what I should have said!

But he really pressed me about it so figured why not.  I didn't criticize his appearance so much as state that the effort one makes to make a good impression is important to me.  And that for me personally when I look nice, I feel better and my energy reflects that.

That's when he began arguing with me!  I may have seemed somewhat shallow in his eyes, I don't know. 

What I do know is that we were definitely NOT a match! 

P.S.  I don't meet many "metrosexuals," I'm not drawn to that particular style or look either not that there's anything wrong with it.  Just not my thing. 

 

 

[mylolita]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Guys, thank you so much for all the responses!

For clarity, I wasn't questioning why I didn't care for his "look" or why I wasn't attracted to him, I only described his appearance to provide context as to why I asked the below quoted question in my original post and what HE actually criticized ME for.  See my original post. 

Re his appearance, we like what we like.  I wasn't attracted to his 'slovenly' style, perhaps another woman would be.  

Years ago there was a female poster on another forum discussing how she became attracted to a man who was literally homeless and looked it!  He was extremely intellectual and she was intrigued by his 'unconventional' lifestyle (homeless).

There's a lid for every pot, his lid nor the message it sent (that he didn't give a *) just wasn't for me...

Thanks again! 💛 

I agree that his lack of effort was insulting and disrespectful and that it wasn’t about fashion or style choices Rainbows - I think most men and women would have felt the same way or been taken aback at least! 
 

My husband is very casual but on his first date he did wear a dress shirt and for further dates and even to this day, he will still wear a shirt when we go out on a date - or a smart bomber jacket instead of a classic jacket - it’s about making that effort and showing some excitement and respect! 
 

x

[mylolita]

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You're right!  I was thinking of something else, more like a clog... lol

What I wore I would refer to as a "slide" but again technically they're called mules too! 

You can get clog mules as well… meta… 🤣🤣🤣 

 

I forget this site is mostly American 🇺🇸! 
 

Slides here in England refer to “slide sandals” like this:

 

🤣 The melting pot ay! 
 

x

 

 

[kim42]

I think I never had a date with someone who would not be dressed nicely, then again I believe people in the US dress more casually in general than here in Europe.

For me it's normal to put some effort to look good when going on a date, each man has a different style though so I don't really judge a man's style that much, then again I don't think someone would go on a date wearing gym clothes or something similar here.

A friend of mine had a date with this man who apparently was dressed as if he was about to go hiking, and she didn't like it. I think I would have reacted the same way in this situation.

As for your date, I think he was probably disappointeeld that you decided to leave after 30 minutes so that's why he asked for an explanation.

[mylolita]

16 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I never had a date with someone who would not be dressed nicely, then again I believe people in the US dress more casually in general than here in Europe.

For me it's normal to put some effort to look good when going on a date, each man has a different style though so I don't really judge a man's style that much, then again I don't think someone would go on a date wearing gym clothes or something similar here.

A friend of mine had a date with this man who apparently was dressed as if he was about to go hiking, and she didn't like it. I think I would have reacted the same way in this situation.

Kim! 
 

This feels true - where are you from, can I ask and be nosey?!

 

I feel as a Brit (I don’t really think we’re classed as European and definitely not now 😆) America is viewed maybe stereotypically by Europe and the British as yes, very casual, or much more casual than Europe especially. But I’ve never been so I am a total bigot in my assumptions 🤪

 

I am part French and am typical of that kind of style mentality.

 

I remember working at the legal office and lots of Italians flew in to negotiate a deal. They all wore three piece suits and dress brogues, with formal woollen winter over coats layered on top of tailored jackets. This was November. They looked like they had stepped off a film set - slicked back wavy hair and dark eyes! I think if you walk the streets of Milan and Paris, the vibe is completely different, style wise. 
 

We also have a class system here in the UK which America doesn’t have (working class, middle class, upper class) which adds a strange unspoken nuance to dressing, but not in an obvious way. 
 

I guess the rule of thumb when dressing for a date surely is, dress to fit the situation? If it’s more casual, be presentable but it’s okay being casual, or “smart casual” maybe. If it’s formal, like a dinner date or opera, you have to dress for the occasion.

 

I think effort made is the big part and I can understand why rainbows and other women would be put off by lack of effort, and someone being unhygienic. I agree!
 

x
 

 

[mylolita]

Personally for me, on a daily basis, if a man is doing more than showering, brushing his teeth, and throwing on a t-shirt… I am suspicious 🤣🤣🤣

 

Let’s not be upstaged ladies 😆 If he has a 12 step skin care routine, check the phone for a subscription to Grinder… 

 

x

[mylolita]

…I joke, of course 🥲

 

My Grandad wore a shirt and tie everyday until the week he died. My Grandma would always wear a corset or girdle they called it. She wore that thing until she had to be laid on a hospital bed also. Always lipstick on and hair curled. It was a different era, and I liked the sound of it! 
 

She also forced my Grandad (who had pepper hair and lots of it until he was 91) slick and coif it to the side slightly like her crush, Englebert Humperdink 🤣🤣🤣 I kid you not! 
 

x

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's a cyclical thing for me. When I feel lazy, I don't feel like investing the effort, but I do anyway, and then the effort turns my ship around and I feel more energetic, AND I'm happy with how I look.

I can appreciate being turned off by someone who wouldn't make at least a basic effort to be clean and groomed. Okay, grooming varies, but I don't like bushy unkept beards or hair anyway. But unwashed? That's offensive.

 

Yes I agree.

Also I don't think people always know right away or even if they do -that click that energy can be based on something other than the person himself or herself but something internal to the person 'feeling" it. 

 I know for sure that you don't always know right away- I know based on personal and so many experiences my friends shared over the last 40 plus years. And if someone shows up as RR described then how would you even know if you click or feel positive -the first impression is -this is offensive to me (well, I mean it would be to me) -sort of like if a person shows up late and doesn't apologize for a first meet -you can't really come back from that even if the person was just having a bad day - I mean yes then you can say well obviously I'd be turned off by someone who did that but there are many more examples of how the "you would have known" can be derailed by an off day/a negative first impression.

On the looking good part I wanted to add that when I felt nervous about a blind date or first meet I'd tell myself silently "you are beautiful and glamorous" as I walked into a restaurant or other place where he was waiting - it reminded me to carry myself with confidence and it didn't matter at all that I knew for sure I wasn't beautiful or glamorous in that sense.  

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think I never had a date with someone who would not be dressed nicely, then again I believe people in the US dress more casually in general than here in Europe.

For me it's normal to put some effort to look good when going on a date, each man has a different style though so I don't really judge a man's style that much, then again I don't think someone would go on a date wearing gym clothes or something similar here.

A friend of mine had a date with this man who apparently was dressed as if he was about to go hiking, and she didn't like it. I think I would have reacted the same way in this situation.

As for your date, I think he was probably disappointeeld that you decided to leave after 30 minutes so that's why he asked for an explanation.

Me too Kim!

I never had a date where the man didn't show up presentable. I would probably be disappointed if I showed up for a date and the man was sloven.

On American first dates it's usually something smart casual like jeans and a nice shirt.

I don't think I have ever been on a first date where he showed up in a suit or anything either. That would be a bit too stuffy for me...

It's always hard to predict in these situations, I think if I showed up and he was dressed like a plumber with grease on his clothes, I probably would not have a second date. xD

Unless he really blew me away with other things. Then I could try going. But I don't think it's hard to show up looking presentable when meeting someone for the first time.

I don't think that this was a good enough reason for you to leave 30 minutes in - but I do entirely understand how you feel.

Why waste 3 hours of your life if you knew you're not into him from the start? Sometimes people's personalities make them so attractive that you start thinking they are 10's - maybe he would have been like that. 

For example, I had a friend who was fit with a good head of hair - visually he was a nightmare but his personality made him irresistible.

Anyways, I digress  - like I said, never had a date show up slovenly (at least in casual cringe worthy aspect)  - but I have had one where he told me an hour in he was on suspension for beating up a gang member while on the job (law enforcement).

I stayed the course of the date (declined a second) because the date was almost through but 30 minutes in and I might have done the same. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Lol, these but the heel wasn't as high. 

https://www.yandy.com/4-Heel-Slide.php?gid=392570&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20414260446&utm_content=&utm_term=392570&campaignid=20414260446&adgroupid=&keyword=&device=m&gad_source=1

Those are called "slides" in the world of footwear.   This pair though ... they look like stripper shoes.  Not that it's a bad thing.  But they also look cheap.  I do not enjoy.  

Would you mind a person making a judgement on your value based on those observations?  

I'm kind of ribbing you.   I think it's very normal for people to form at least partial opinions on others based on how the others choose to present themselves.

Back in the early 80's it was easy to spot your "tribe" based on how people dressed.   No questions.  Now it's more complicated as all the styles have been appropriated by strip mall chains and manufactured en masse in China.

I wish I could see a picture of this sloppy fellow's outfit.  Since you live in SoCal, he may have been sporting a "surfer," "skater" or "beach" dude kind of vibe rather than a "homeless" one.  He may have thought he was lookin' fine.  

Surfer guys who like kicked back beach girls would probably be kind of turned off by the footwear, so perhaps he was making assessments of you based on your outfit.

Or, maybe he's a slob, and / or a person who truly does not care about his appearance at all.  There are people like that, so it doesn't occur to them to dress well.  It's not how they roll.  It wouldn't indicate that they weren't interested in a person but definitely for you it's a valid sign of incompatibility. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Those are called "slides" in the world of footwear.   

Right.  I acknowledged that error in a subsequent post. 😀

"What I wore I would refer to as a "slide" but again technically they're called mules too!"

Anyway, again, this is not about his attire per se (or perhaps it is, in part) but would you @Jauntymeet a woman with whom you've been chatting on line for the first time wearing ill-fitting baggy shorts and what appeared to be a dirty old tank top and old worn out sandals?

I'm going to be critical now but he looked like a bum IMO, and it turned me off.

Contrast to that, I would feel the same if a man picked me up in an expensive designer suit and driving a Lamborghini. And I have rejected such men! 

I posted that earlier. And one man admitted during the date he rented the Lamborghini to impress me!  Ugh. So my initial assessment of him was correct.  Phony, contrived, status conscious.  These are not qualities that appeal to me personally.

As far as a man being turned off by MY "stripper" shoes or other attire, so be!  I'm not for him obviously and in turn HE is not for me.  I would be 100% okay with that.

By the way not that it matters, the pic I posted were not my shoes.  My shoes were real leather and the heel was lower and a tad wider. 

I simply posted it to show the style of shoe since you asked, I could not find MY exact shoe on line to post a pic. 

In any event, we are talking about romantic attraction.   And I don't think romantic attraction is something that can be negotiated (within ourselves) or something one can nor should try to force or talk themselves into.

And it's based on all sorts of things, including their style of dress, how they carry themselves, how they articulate themselves, their attitudes etc. 

Assessing values and who they are on the "inside" comes after the initial attraction imo.

Here, again I was not attracted. If that makes me shallow or overly judgy, I can live with that in this particular instance. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Guys, he just messaged me.  I have not read it yet, I'm getting ready for work and will in a bit.

I'll let you know once I do.....

[tattoobunnie]

20 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He wouldn’t accept that and kept asking me why and what was wrong, ugh...

...HE then started arguing with me about it!   WHY do I allow my appearance to influence my mood and how I feel?  IOW, why do I need to look good to feel good?

A person can be dressed in a paper bag, and you may still be hot for them.  Honestly, you just weren't digging him period; his smell of desperation and nastiness tingled your spidy senses right away.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I only described his appearance to provide context as to why I asked the below quoted question in my original post and what HE actually criticized ME for.

Yep, understandable. This is the slippery slope. He asks, you're honest, he turns it back on you. Likely the same kind of guy who bemoans women who won't explain the 'why'. There's no win/win in that--it's a lose/lose no matter how it's sliced.

This kind of hostility is exactly why I have no problem with ghosting directly after a first meet, or even prior to setting up a meet. The silence IS the explanation. While this isn't true of everyone, I've had even a message as generic as, "I don't think we're a match..." prompt a blowup of my phone, and that really shook me up.

I won't position myself that way anymore. I stress the word 'quick' for a coffee meet, I clarify that this means 15 or 20 minutes. I ask him to agree that neither of us will attempt to set up a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other to a date afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if the answer is no, then no response is necessary. This is important to me, because I don't want to feel cornered into accepting a date, only to feel obligated to cancel it later.

People are tricky with rejection. I've had disastrous breakups when I was younger, where I was stalked and harassed. I was once actually held captive until I took back the breakup. So if I don't like a guy enough to date him, then I certainly don't trust that he will handle rejection like a reasonable human being. Unfortunately.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This kind of hostility is exactly why I have no problem with ghosting directly after a first meet, or even prior to setting up a meet. The silence IS the explanation. While this isn't true of everyone, I've had even a message as generic as, "I don't think we're a match..." prompt a blowup of my phone, and that really shook me up.

Same exact and more than once.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Guys, he just messaged me.  I have not read it yet, I'm getting ready for work and will in a bit.

I'll let you know once I do.....

I personally would have no further interaction with him.

[rainbowsandroses]

His message:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot and I left you with an inaccurate impression of me.  Another shot"?

I don't know anymore guys, I'm exhausted...

[itsallgrand]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His message:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot and I left you with an inaccurate impression of me.  Another shot"?

I don't know anymore guys, I'm exhausted...

I think you have your answer lol. You're exhausted after one meet. 

[catfeeder]

38 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I think you have your answer lol. You're exhausted after one meet. 

I agree. Would you want to date a guy you had to 'train' to bathe before meeting a new person?

I hope you'll just block him. There's nothing to be gained by engaging beyond more exhaustion.

[Batya33]

He had his opportunity to explain his apparent emergency that meant he had to meet you sans basic hygiene. Instead he confronted you. He’s a loose cannon - imagine how he might behave if hypothetically he comes to your salon. 

[Andrina]

This post had me thinking of the hilarious scene in The Hangover, when the groom and groomsmen are having a bachelor party in Vegas. All the guys are dressed to the nines except the bride's dorky brother. (I actually went to this movie with a guy from OLD many moons ago.)

[Coily]

18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh I do agree with judging in that sense, silently.  I interpreted your post differently based on your previous post (below bolded).

Not my place to tell him off no matter how arrogant his attitude was.  It was one meet.

My opinion and it's fine if you or others disagree.

Me?  I quietly and politely exit the situation, works better for me...

This man confronted me wanting to know why, so after some reluctance on my part, I told him.

That was the first time that ever happened, typically again I simply politely excuse myself and leave.

I don't suffer fools lightly, nor the arrogant; so someone coming at me with a "why aren't you staying longer?"  Would get a bit of a dressing down if they didn't take my polite "I'm just going. Bye"

 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His message:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot and I left you with an inaccurate impression of me.  Another shot"?

I don't know anymore guys, I'm exhausted...

Ask him if he's going to bathe? Well not really, but there's really only one chance to make a first impression and he blew it like a blizzard.

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His message:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot and I left you with an inaccurate impression of me.  Another shot"?

I don't know anymore guys, I'm exhausted...

Anyway Rainbows, I thought you weren’t dating and off the online sites? 🤣

 

x

[mylolita]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He had his opportunity to explain his apparent emergency that meant he had to meet you sans basic hygiene. Instead he confronted you. He’s a loose cannon - imagine how he might behave if hypothetically he comes to your salon. 

He should have apologised in that moment and asked for a second chance on the date, not after a confrontation and leaving it a smidge, then ask online or over a screen. I agree! 
 

x