He is broke.......

[mamabear82]

Hi! I met a really awesome man about a month ago. We hit it off immediately. He has many qualities I like and we finally met and spent time together this past weekend. I drove a good distance to see him. I had family I hadn’t seen in the area so I didn’t mind and I needed a road trip.

 

It was a wonderful weekend. I did notice though on our date, he kept looking at his phone at what seemed to be his bank account. He passively mentioned he pays close attention to his “budget” and hearing that made me feel like I had to watch what I was getting to eat from the menu the two times he took me out. He did not offer to pay for my gas since I drove all the way in his direction. I also make candied pecans and he mentioned how much he loved them. I decided to bring him some, and he thanked me but said “how bad he felt” because he didn’t get me anything. When we went to cracker barrel for breakfast, in the shop he found something for his mom for “all she has done for him” and still didn’t get me even something as much as a $1 when i hinted at things in the store i liked.

 

Come to find out, he just moved back in with his parents after a relationship supposedly ended last month. I didn’t find out until I met up with him that even after they broke up, he was still living with her. He just moved in with his parents a little over a month ago.

 

He also mentions because of child support, alot of his money goes to that. I understand how that is being a mother myself. I also have rent and bills to pay. He doesn’t seem to be very motivated to get on his feet more and focuses on his truck it seems. He also says he is a “content” man which translates to me as a man in his position he doesn’t plan on doing better anytime soon financially. He is working on improving mentally and emotionally which is great but financially I am not convinced he wants more at this point.

 

Also, his past girlfriend (according to him) left him because the “spark” was gone, he was on his game too much and she was providing the home (not sure if he paid bills or not). When I asked him about coming this way to see me, he says he could try but doesn’t have the funds to do much. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence after him telling me how amazing I am, how he cannot wait to see me, spend time with me, how much he misses me, how amazing I am etc. Even his best friend gets on the phone to talk to me to introduce himself and says that i am a gem and he needs to treat me like gold. We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. Advice and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.

[rainbowsandroses]

I think it's fairly obvious you don't respect him and I suspect HE felt/feels that well.  So no matter how amazing he felt you were at first, raving about you to friends etc, once he felt your disapproval of his financial sitch and your lack of respect, his feelings changed. 

55 minutes ago, mamabear82 said:

I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence....

^^First off it's not your place to be telling him he should wait to date.  No disrespect to you but where do you get off telling him or any man that? 

That's HIS choice to make not yours.  There may be other women who would accept him AS IS including his financial situation.  Whether temporary which I suspect it is, or not. 

Just stop seeing him if you disapprove.

Secondly, the first bolded sounds like a major guilt trip due to your resentment and disapproval of his financial sitch.  I suspect HE viewed it that way as well.  

Why did you not simply say you need to watch your budget?  Why add in "because of all the money I spent on gas and hotel traveling to see you..." 

Can you not see how that may have come across to him?  Made him feel? 

Did he force you to come visit him?  No, it was your choice. 

So to whine to him now about all the money you spent blah blah again sounds like a major guilt trip.

That may not have been your intention (or perhaps it was), that's how that comment comes across. 

I think IF you ever hear from him again which imo is highly unlikely at this point, just end it if he doesn't first. 

You don't respect him, you disapprove of his lot in life and I don't envision that changing. 

These early stages of dating are to observe and determine if someone is the right fit for us.

You observed, HE observed.  You don't like what you've observed and HE doesn't like what he observed which explains his silence.

The End.

Time to move forward.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

All the thoughts I'm sure you are having are probably dead on and you handled things as well as you could have. You made the effort to go to him. You were understanding of his situation and didn't try to force him into paying something or expect him to treat you to something fancy. You are understandably concerned over his lack of motivation to improve his postion. And you were fair in offering to make things 50/50 and split costs. You even gave him an out in saying maybe he should wait to date. You did everything right and handled it as a mature adult would. 

Unfortunately, the only person who can work on his issues is him. He needs to find the motivation to push himself and get in a better spot. That's not to say there aren't good qualities in him or that he's a total deadbeat. He could just be in a rough patch, depressed and struggling to turn things around. Working on his mental state is an important step. But you were right. Until he can get out of that, that is where his focus should be. It's not fair to you or anyone he would be seeing.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, mamabear82 said:

. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. .  I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. 

Sorry this happened. Between the distance, living with his parents and being broke, it seems like you dodged a bullet. He may be nice but he's looking for a sugar mama and meal ticket. Once you tried to discuss finances, he may look for an easier target. 

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, I'm not suggesting it's the case here or that you are like this, but an old acquaintances of mine dated a man who was a millionaire but because of all the gold digging women he had been encountering, he presented himself at first as a man with just the minimum to offer financially.

Once he felt accepted for HIM and not his money or what he was able to provide financially, he told her the truth that he was a millionaire.

This acquaintance was a successful lawyer so did not need his money, she focused on their great connection, his values, how he treated her and others, his character and integrity.

You may be surprised but Mark Zuckerberg (Founder of Facebook) did same for many years before it was known who he was and how successful he was.

He lived in a studio apartment, drove an old car and dressed modestly and humbly, etc.

Even after he became rich and successful he lived this way for many years.  He met his wife living this way and she accepted him and loved him as is.

JMO but I think it's odd how this guy seemed to make a point of letting you know his financial sitch.  He was quite blatant about it actually.  Checking his bank account over dinner etc. Flat out telling you his funds were tight.

Many men would have done the opposite, presented themselves as having more $$$ than they do to impress you.

He didn't so if you want to believe the man he presented himself to be, be thankful he was honest and didn't choose to lead you down some fake rosy path.

My take is (and I could be wrong, it's all speculation) he just wanted/wants to be accepted for HIM and the great connection you had established NOT for what he could or could not provide financially.

If you wish to believe he's a loser and you dodged a bullet as was suggested, that is also an option and your choice. 

Again, it's all speculation.

 

[ShySoul]

I don't think the issue here is money, that's just how the larger issue is being manifested. The core of the problem is in his lack of effort. When you are with someone you want to feel they are contributing, that it is a shared experience together. But if it feels like like you are the one that is or will be putting in all the time and effort, then you question how interested the other person really is. In not at least offering to contribute, it can come across as him not caring as much or taking it for granted that you will be doing most of these things. And if he doesn't seem motivated to work to improve his position, then you're left with the thought that this is what it will be like, with you contributing nearly everything. Then to have him not respond when you bring up your concerns, just reinfoces that he isn't going to put in the effort to make things work. It's understandable that you would have concerns.

Relationships shouldn't be a checklist of who does what or who pays for what. When it comes to finances, some people will be in better shape then others. I think people should pay what they are able. But they should be making that offer. I was once in a position of just out of college, not working and still staying at home. I didn't have much. But I still offered to pay half or at least alternate paying. It didn't feel right otherwise. I didn't want her to feel obligated to pay and I wanted to show her I was willing to use what I could to treat her and make her feel special. Always felt like the gentlemanly thing to do.

And really, a cheap gift from Cracker Barrel isn't going to break your bank account.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence

I mean, what kind of reponse did you really expect to that? 

You essentially called it off. I wouldn't have responded to you, either. I hear your concerns about his finances but I also don't get what you wanted him to say after a message like that. 

3 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

after him telling me how amazing I am, how he cannot wait to see me, spend time with me, how much he misses me, how amazing I am etc. Even his best friend gets on the phone to talk to me to introduce himself and says that i am a gem and he needs to treat me like gold.

This means nothing when you had not met in person, OP. You got carried away. They're just words with no basis in reality since you had no idea if you'd get along in real life. 

3 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family

Again, you both got really carried away. You hadn't spent any time together in person and it was way too soon to be assuming this connection was a viable one. As you can see now, it wasn't.

He's not really in a great place to be dating, I agree. But let this be a lesson to you to slow down. Don't get so wrapped up in a guy when you have yet to even meet him. Your expectations were too high for the circumstances which is partly why you're feeling the sting of this flop even more accutely now. 

You're not a match. Keep perspective next time and let the first few dates unfold before deciding the a guy is a real prospect. You went about it backwards here. 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

. We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other

Unfortunately things can change at a moments notice. It can happen anytime, the other person not willing to put in the effort or deciding something on their own that makes no sense to you. I knew someone I spoke with nearly every night for hours, who we connected with incredibly. And things did go well the first meeting a little over a month later. And it continued to go well. Then she shifted and pulled back. It hurt. Sometimes things happen and people just aren't meant to work out.

If you felt connected, there was probably a reason. People feel what they feel, when they feel it. It's not always under our control. If this wasn't meant to last, then take it for what it was. You had an enjoyable time with a person, even if it was for a short while. Cherish those memories but know that there is someone else out there who you will connect with on an even deeper and more amazing level.

[Kwothe28]

Too many words for "I got fleeced by a bum".

So you liked the guy and spent some money to see him? Because I think that is essentially where your anger rests. Big deal, not the end of the world. I will tell you the same thing that I say to men with the same issue and where they "overspend" on somebody who cant bother to pull up a wallet: Dont overspend on anything if you are going to feel bad about it later. You dont seem to have that much money in the first place. And yet you overextended to pay for the gas and the hotel to see him. Dont do that next time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

I met a really awesome man about a month ago. We hit it off immediately. He has many qualities I like and we finally met and spent time together this past weekend.

^^OP, so it was just the one weekend you spent together? 

Going back to my first response, you commenting about how "unfair it is that it all falls on you" and telling him he's not ready to date was a bit much and heavy-handed. 

Going forward if you experience this again after spending such a minimal time together, best to simply tell him you're not a match and move on. 

No need to be whining about how unfair it is, he's not ready to date, or whatever. 

Just move on.

I think he lost interest, simple as that. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You hadn't spent any time together in person and it was way too soon to be assuming this connection was a viable one.

I agree it was too soon for any of this, but OP stated they had spent time together, this past weekend. 

She drove to his, spent money on gas and hotel which she now claims was unfair since he doesn't seem willing to make equal effort or any effort.

What this spells to me is NOT interested.  Happens all the time OP.  It's why we date. 

I wouldn't give him a second thought.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't think the issue here is money,

Oh I think it IS about money at least in part. A big part. 

I mean OP complained that he didn't buy her a gift at Cracker Barrel, that he didn't offer to pay for her gas or hotel, that he doesn't seem motivated to improve his financiall situation and spends all his money on his truck etc. 

Obviously it's about money or his lack thereof.  However I do also believe it's about his lack of effort. 

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Relationships shouldn't be a checklist of who does what or who pays for what. When it comes to finances, some people will be in better shape then others. I think people should pay what they are able. But they should be making that offer.

They're not in a "relationship," they spent ONE weekend together during which he lost interest.

Which explains his lack of effort and his silence now. 

That's all this is imo.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Too many words for "I got fleeced by a bum".

So you liked the guy and spent some money to see him? Because I think that is essentially where your anger rests. Big deal, not the end of the world. I will tell you the same thing that I say to men with the same issue and where they "overspend" on somebody who cant bother to pull up a wallet: Dont overspend on anything if you are going to feel bad about it later. You dont seem to have that much money in the first place. And yet you overextended to pay for the gas and the hotel to see him. Dont do that next time. 

I agree.  You two are not a match. Reminds me of a first meet I had many years ago. Typically I avoided anyone who lived more than an hour away -this person lived a bit over an hour -by train.  He was also not financially comfortable.  And I was.

I lived in a major city he loved to visit so we planned to meet where I live and I recommended lunch at an Asian restaurant.  My plan was to offer to treat since he traveled. Now when I went on first meets or first dates/early dates and it was a restaurant where the man was likely to treat I'd match his ordering and order less expensively.  So if he wanted to split an appetizer -fine - but I wouldn't order one if he didn't. I wouldn't order wine and if he suggested a bottle I'd explain I really was a less than a glass person so he'd know not to spend $$. I ordered an entree that was as expensive or less than him.

This person ordered his own appetizer and an entree - and yes I treated with zero comments and not making a big deal - totally fine -but I noticed his behavior and it wasn't a dealbreaker and I also thought it was inappropriate.  I forgot why we didn't see each other again -likely lack of spark etc. I do think how a person treats his or her date, how he or she handles $ is important as far as compatibility. For example someone who doesn't tip or doesn't tip generously, doesn't say thank you if the other person picked up movie tickets in advance, etc.  

I only dated men who were financially stable-(the first meet I mentioned wasn't unstable and was smart, seemed ambitious so I wanted to meet) I was and wanted the same in my partner.  To me that's about "money" but not in a shallow way - financial values to me are essential for the long term -values that match more or less. I see that more and more as we are married and raising our son.

[lostandhurt]

Lat's leave the money thing aside for a moment.

He just very recently was dumped by his gf and he freely admits it was because he plays video games to much and dotes over his truck instead of the relationship.  This right here is reason enough to run for the hills.  Then add in he is broke as a joke AND living with mommy and daddy and you have a recipe for disaster.

 Thank goodness he was broke and that was your deal breaker because you were about to become his next victim.  

 This is not the guy for you, heck he isn't the guy for anyone at the moment.  Most solid people would be taking time to heal from a recent break up, getting back on their feet financially, getting their own place and then start thinking about dating. 

Lost

PS  How can he be so broke if he is living with his parents rent free?  Bullet Dodged for sure!!!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

This is not the guy for you, heck he isn't the guy for anyone at the moment.  Most solid people would be taking time to heal from a recent break up, getting back on their feet financially, getting their own place and then start thinking about dating. 

I do NOT disagree^^ however apparently the OP is really into him as her question in her original post was why has she not heard from him after their meet?  She seemed quite concerned about it! 

Maybe he's not ready to date, maybe he is, only HE gets to make that call.  Either way it wasn't the OP's place to be telling him that he shouldn't be. They had ONE meet.  

Or whining that he didn't buy her a gift at Cracker Barrel or that he did not offer to pay for her gas and hotel..

It was her choice to visit him and in her OP she said she didn't mind.  But now she complains that he didn't offer to pay for gas?  No need to complain, just stop seeing him! 

Instead of trashing the guy which I do NOT believe is right since HE's not here and we haven't heard HIS side, how about she own her role re why he's ghosted?  

That being, she sounds entitled.  JMO based on what she's posted and her attitude, and HE may have picked up on that too which is why he's ghosted. 

Possibly, it's all speculation.

Heck, the guy could be a freaking multi-millionaire for all we know like my lawyer friend's boyfriend and this "poor boy" act was a facade until he knows her and trusts she's into him for all the right reasons.

OR maybe when he met her in person, it didn't click for him and playing poor boy was his way OUT.  He hoped and perhaps expected she would dump him.

Like I said, I think it's odd how during their meet he so blatantly announced he doesn't have the funds to visit her etc etc.  I don't know of any truly interested man who would say such a thing OR feel that way. 

Anyway, it could be anything, only HE knows and he's not here.

I dunno I'm so tired of women (and men) creating threads trashing the opposite sex and complaining about "whatever" and then baffled as to why she never hears from him again.

Just move on, clearly he's not for you.  And I suspect he feels same about you.

Not a match. 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree it was too soon for any of this, but OP stated they had spent time together, this past weekend.

Yes, I know. 

That it what I meant - they had not spent any time together before this first meeting this past weekend. 

[catfeeder]

I don’t understand why you’d even want to hear from this guy again. The time for warning that he can’t afford to treat you to a few reasonable dates is BEFORE you’ve traveled, not by dragging out his bank book during your dates.

Buying a gift in front of you for someone else, even after you were thoughtful enough to gift him, is tactless and undermines his bids for sympathy over his finances.

The guy is a turd. That has less to do with his finances and more to do with his manipulative handling of your visit. The guy wanted to get laid, and he wanted you to pay full freight for that. He belongs in his parents’ basement with only enough time out to work for the cost of his Wi-Fi.

You dodged a bullet, but I hope this will sell you on the benefits of dating locally and avoiding the fantasy build around a screen romance. Match people on apps, then set up quick coffee meetings to check one another out. This is called ‘screening’ and can spare you countless hours of living in your head only to learn that the object of that fantasy is a douchebag.

Head high.

[Andrina]

Is this your first attempt at an LDR? I guess what you should learn from this is that better discussions need to happen before a first meet to make sure you're not wasting a lot of money. Why hadn't you said to him something like, "Okay, if I go there and we get along, how will this work? With work, custody, arrangement, finances, how many times a year will you be able to come my way for visits? This is the amount of time I can spare..."

Did you envision, or even think about, how one of you would have to totally uproot your life if things did work out? And since you say he has kids, it probably wouldn't be him.

I'm just saying that I don't think people consider all of these things when dating long distance, since the Internet and modern technology makes it seem like such a small world, but it really isn't.

Because LDRs have so many cons, it's the very reason I rejected LDRs when I was single. Dating is a lot like digging through a lot of sand before finding the treasure, so in doing this locally, you're never out more than a cup of coffee and a few hours of your time if it's a no-go. As you can see, you have a lot of anger because you invested much more energy, time, and money into this and expected a bigger payout for all of that. 

Rethink your strategy and expectations in early dating because what you're doing now isn't working for you.

[waffle]

lol How many times do we read here where a guy says I met this woman and she's great in every way but I'm not attracted and everyone says oh, not attracted?  you cut her loose then.  Same situation here.  OP wants a man with the means to treat her well, not give his money to everyone else in his life and then cry broke to her.  Nope.  Nothing wrong with being attracted to a man with means.

 

[waffle]

21 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

I don’t understand what I did.

This is not rocket science.  When he found out you weren't going to be funding all of the dates, he figured there was no use sticking around.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

This is not rocket science.  When he found out you weren't going to be funding all of the dates, he figured there was no use sticking around.

I think that's a huge assumption.

IMO it was more likely this:

22 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence...

That's a dump so not sure what she would expect after saying something like this. 

I don't think he even cared.  This whole facade of having no money was just that imo - a facade.

I mean it was only after he met her in person when he started in with this "poor boy" act.  Moved in with mom, etc. 

For the entire month prior, there was no mention of it. 

Hello!  He wasn't into her when they met in person and he needed a plausible reason to stop seeing her without looking like a jerk.

She dumped him which saved him the dirty work.  He probably felt a sigh of relief.

Who the hell knows, but in any event it's not a match and since OP hasn't returned since her first post, hopefully she's chosen to simply move on from it.

 

[boltnrun]

I'm sure there are many men who spend a lot of money on the women they date. 

I agree with the general consensus that you two are not a good match. 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh I think it IS about money at least in part. A big part.

21 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't think the issue here is money, that's just how the larger issue is being manifested. The core of the problem is in his lack of effort.

Yes, money is a part of the issue. But I stand by it not being the core of the issue. It's like all the posts from people complaining they don't have enough sex in a relationship. Lack of sex is part of the problem. But then you find there is no emotional intimacy going on and that is what leads to lack of sex in the first place. The sex isn't what needs to be addressed, it's the other stuff that needs to be focused on first. 

In this case, I think if the guy had offered her something from Cracker Barrel or started to make plans to see her, it would have calmed her concerns down. Of he had demonstrated how he was working to improve himself. Instead every little thing indicated he wasn't willing to do all the things a person does to court another. I mean, he was willing to buy his mother a gift but not the person he was there on a date with?

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

They're not in a "relationship," they spent ONE weekend together during which he lost interest.

Relationship was used in a general sense as a lead in the actual point of paying what you can, as long as you make an effort. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship, friendship, date, or whatever... you put in the effort. If one side feels they are being taken advantage of or that the other side isn't holding up their end, then the pairing isn't going to work out.

On 4/27/2024 at 7:26 PM, mamabear82 said:

We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. Advice and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.

Mamabear, everyone will have a different take on what happened, on what you did or didn't do, what he was feeling, etc. The only one that knows for sure what he is thinking is him. The only one that knows what you are thinking is you. In the end, he wasn't right for you. The rest of it doesn't matter. There will be someone else better for you. Just continue being you and being happy with your life. It's fine to be sad or question what happened. But don't let it get you to far down. This was just a detour to your real destination and one day you'll look back on it as a crazy story to tell about that guy you went to Cracker Barrel with.

And geez, now I really want to go Cracker Barrel. To bad they aren't around this area. 😉

[LINDA]

i would never date a broke guy; talking by experience cuz he will endup taking your money 

Save yourself , time , money. 

[waffle]

OP,  all that talk before you meet i.e. you're amazing, I miss you, can't wait to see you, is all fake.  It's fantasy, not real. So expecting him to continue it when things get real (when you meet) is just not realistic.