I'm not well-endowed and she doesn't know yet

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

So this is like really embarrassing to admit, but I'm freaking out a little.  I HATE typing this, but I don't trust myself on this and need advice

So, about me.  I'm a chef who works at a reasonably nice hotel restaurant (4 star place).  I'm pretty good at that, I think.  I'm a big guy - very physically fit, who participates in body building competitions sometimes.  Had some decent success there, but not like I'm a professional.  I'm single, in my early thirties.

I've been dating this woman for about 3 months - her name is Ashlee.  Now me and Ashlee have been friends since high school.  Kind of lost touch when she went away to college, but reconnected shortly after she graduated. I've had a huge crush on her for like...as long as I can remember.  I mean, don't get me wrong - I haven't been pining away for her this whole time.  I've been in relationships, etc.  But I've always had feelings for her.  Never told her.  We were just good friends, but recently decided to take things to the next step

We're pretty different.  She's SOOOO smart!  Like she's a forensic accountant - super good with numbers!  And investigating - she's basically amazing.  Like she could be a baddass character on one of those police procedural shows lol.  Plus she's pretty and funny and just the best.  I'm in love.  Like...a lot

We haven't had sex yet - taking it slow.  To be blunt, one of the reasons why things haven't progressed is because I sort of have a really small penis and I'm embarrassed about it.

It's dumb I know - I'm an adult here, but listen...she's like a million times smarter than I am.  She's not dating me for my mind (such as it is, LOL).  Like, I think physical attraction is one of my main strengths here.  And I totally know that she's not a perfect physical specimen either - she's very overweight for (only getting heavier over the years) and has confessed to being very self-conscious about it.  Personally, I think she's gorgeous.  Always have.  Actually one of the reasons we got closer and ended up dating was because she asked me to help her with exercising, trying to lose weight.  But anyways, I know that we both have our own body issues, but like...what am I going to do???

I just don't want her to be disappointed is all.  I've had issues with sex in the past - I'm such a big person everywhere else (built up muscles, etc), that it's a bit jarring when the clothes come off, and it's revealed how small I really am.  Prior to Ashlee, I wasn't really dating much.  And on her end, I'm sure Ashlee has probably imagined how I look, right?  How could she not be disappointed?

So where I need advice is, like...should I talk about it to her prior to having sex?  It just seems like a creepy and weird conversation to me?  Or do I not tell her, and let things progress naturally?  I'm just REALLY nervous about this, because more than any person I've dated in the past, this is a relationship that I don't want to screw up.  I just wish I wasn't so psyched out on this

[boltnrun]

Please let me know if you find this question offensive. But are you or have you taken any supplements to enhance your physique?

[Wiseman2]

No need to bring it up in advance. Relax and let things evolve naturally. Please

 Don't compare yourself to pornstars. There's a wide range of sizes. 

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please let me know if you find this question offensive. But are you or have you taken any supplements to enhance your physique?

Not offensive, especially with the thread topic.  No I don't take supplements other than vitamins, etc.

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

Not offensive, especially with the thread topic.  No I don't take supplements other than vitamins, etc.

I'm sure you understand why I asked.

You may be surprised that some women dislike outsized penises. I personally know a man whose girlfriend broke up with him because his penis was large and it caused her pain and discomfort. 

[itsallgrand]

I wouldn't bring it up. Let it evolve naturally as you both get more intimate. Seems there's body issues on both sides, so getting comfortable with small acts of intimacy working up to full reveal would be a good way to go.

There's nothing you can do about this except go in confident and focusing on her comfort and both feeling good as you go. She will either accept you as you are or not. That's why trust is important. If you get to the point where you trust in the kind of person she is, it will be a lot less scary. I wonder if someone else was less than kind in your past.. is that what you meant by issues with sex before? 

 

[yogacat]

Just wait until it happens. It's not like she doesn't know that all men aren't created equally.  It's not like she won't figure it out herself.  Don't talk about it beforehand, don't make it weird.  Let her find out like a normal person.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Bodybuilder_Jayfirst off, welcome! 

Secondly, a man doesn't need a large penis or even an average penis be a great lover. 

Intercourse is more than simply inserting a penis into a vagina, technique matters not to mention there are so many other things you can do than straight intercourse.

Are you concerned she won't view you as "masculine"?  

If so, please try to get over that, masculinity entails so many other qualities than the size of his (your) D!! 

I think the fact you have even posted this on a public forum speaks volumes about who you are as a man and human being. 

My advice?  Say nothing, act "as if" it's 10 inches long, relax and enjoy!!! 

A man's confidence trumps D size any day of the week!! 

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

Just about everyone has things about their body they don't like, and cringe at how things age--wrinkle, pudgier around the middle, etc. I'm not making light of what you wish was different. I'm just bringing this up for the reason that I am a person who has never pointed out what I dislike about my body to a SO. 

I just don't see any advantage to it. To have them zero in on those things? To get reassurance, in which their words might be the opposite of what they are thinking. If you're putting it in another's mind how faulty you are, then subconsciously they might start thinking, "Hmm. Maybe there is something really wrong with him/her."

I read about a guy who said he'd dated a woman who practiced such severe rules upon herself as far as food went, so that she'd be the perfect size, and would often fret about her body. Life was not fun with her. Then he dated a woman who was not fat nor thin but had someone extra pounds and loved to cook and bake and she was a joy to be around. 

Speaking of everything wrong is a downer.

Really, you've already passed the boundary from friendship to romance so there is no going back to friendship if this doesn't work out, since that won't be fair to a new partner in your future. So I say to take the risk before you invest more emotionally to get over this hump of fear, plus to go down the path of revealing if this is an issue or a non-issue. What she thinks about this won't change if you wait another 6 months.

Sorry, but there is no prediction of people's innate likes and dislikes. A male co-worker told me he couldn't get past a woman's weird belly button when he saw it at the beach, even though she looked like a model, otherwise. But he ended up marrying a chubby woman so extra weight was totally fine with him.

I'm not into skinny guys, but I am okay with a guy with extra weight. Don't assume each person has the same taste nor the same dealbreakers as far as physical attractiveness/attributes goes.

It's hard to be vulnerable by being naked in front of someone new. But it's something we all do on the path to finding a keeper. I hope it works out well for you. We're all cheering for you.  

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

6 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I wonder if someone else was less than kind in your past.. is that what you meant by issues with sex before? 

 

A couple of times before, yeah.  

Honestly, I normally don't really obsess over it too much.  It's just that...the stakes feel a lot higher now.  I feel like she's the one, you know?  And I just don't want to be a disappointment. 

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

Just wait until it happens. It's not like she doesn't know that all men aren't created equally.  It's not like she won't figure it out herself.  Don't talk about it beforehand, don't make it weird.  Let her find out like a normal person.

Yeah, of course you're right.  I'm just being dumb, is all.  I'll just let everything happen, and hopefully it's ok

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

We haven't had sex yet - taking it slow. 

Good. It might be helpful to consider that, generally speaking, people who are willing hold off on sex while continuing to date are often well aware that there are so many important things to invest in learning about a person beyond their body. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences, and contrary to what gets hyped by the sex industry, plenty of women prefer that men aren't large.

I hope you'll go easy on yourself and enjoy getting to know this woman without psyching yourself out.

[ShySoul]

It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean.

Size isn't everything and a larger size could actually be detrimental. Not all women are size queens who want someone super huge. Some women may be tighter in that area and thus would prefer someone smaller that they can accomodate better. There are other advantages as well. May I recommend a quick google search on the topic and you'll find things that might help boost your confidence. You always hear from the bigger is better crowd, but there are plenty out there that shows good things can come in small packages. And what you might lack in size, you can make up for in enthusiasm and technique.

At the end of the day, sex isn't about the physical anyway. What makes it special and meaningful is the connection two people have and share with each other. If you love and care about each other, that will make it good. If you have that bond and are at the point where you both are willing to share yourselves intimately with each other, then nothing else should matter. Be in the moment and just enjoy being with each other. Feel and savor every moment, every touch. When you've lost yourself in the experience, you'll be okay.

And know that anyone who would judge you based on something that superficial, really isn't someone you would want to be with. They are the one missing out. Don't let someone like that cause you to doubt yourself. The right person will like it simply because it is with you.

[poorlittlefish]

So you haven't had sex yet, but surely you've made out a bit, if only on top of clothing? If so, she already knows and obviously hasn't been put off. Even if you are on the smaller side, there are plenty of other men like that and maybe her previous partners have been. Bigger definitely isn't always better. 

[MissCanuck]

Let things unfold naturally. 

A conversation about it beforehand would likely feel very awkward for both of you. And keep in mind many women are just as insecure about themselves once their clothes come off and their lovers see it all: we might be wondering what he thinks of the extra lumps and bumps, the stretch marks, the size and colouring of various body parts, and so on. 

My point is, most of us have our body issues. Think of how you feel about her, despite the extra weight she is currently carrying - she will probably feel the same way about you, despite your own concern over your size. 

[Kwothe28]

Are we talking “micro penis” size or just “I am not porn star big” size? Because if you are not the first, dont think you should worry that much. Average vaginal depth is like 9cm(3.6 inches in Murican silly units). Bigger and wider should be better for sure, but you should be fine as long as you are at least average Asian guy big lol

Second thing is, real life is not “Sex and the City” episode. Nore is it a porn script. People, especially women, are more inclined to emotional connect and not just physical one. Even if you are that small, I doubt she would leave because of it. That is more your fear than anything else.

[yogacat]

22 hours ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

Yeah, of course you're right.  I'm just being dumb, is all.  I'll just let everything happen, and hopefully it's ok

Yes, believe me, when women are crazy for their guy things like this are not a big deal. It's only a big deal maybe if that's ALL they've got going for them, but no girl is ever going to reject a guy if she fell in love with the heart and mind--hardly.

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

It's just insecurity is all, I guess.  She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

I get that that's pretty stupid, and not really how relationships work (or even how humans work), but sometimes you let the little negative voice in the  back of your mind get too loud, you know?

[itsallgrand]

25 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

It's just insecurity is all, I guess.  She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

I get that that's pretty stupid, and not really how relationships work (or even how humans work), but sometimes you let the little negative voice in the  back of your mind get too loud, you know?

Eh...don't cut yourself down! You are smart enough to know to deal with your issue and not put it on her. You are smart enough to have attracted her. 

I get you are gaga for her, but you bring plenty to the table. 

You don't want the insecurity creeping in to your time together. That just makes the person feel insecure with you, which isn't what you want. 

 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

It's just insecurity is all, I guess.  She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

I get that that's pretty stupid, and not really how relationships work (or even how humans work), but sometimes you let the little negative voice in the  back of your mind get too loud, you know?

Remember, she didn't say that. You did.

You can completely sabotage this promising relationship by punishing her for your insecurities. Or you can figure out how to get a grip and enjoy what you have. 

Which option sounds better?

[yogacat]

35 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

It's just insecurity is all, I guess.  She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

I get that that's pretty stupid, and not really how relationships work (or even how humans work), but sometimes you let the little negative voice in the  back of your mind get too loud, you know?

It's not stupid, at all. Everyone has insecurities. EVERYONE. And when you care about someone so much, it's natural to want to impress them and be the best version of yourself. Just try not to let the little voice of doubt, get too loud. 

I understand your fear of disappointing her, but trust me, she is probably dealing with her own insecurities as well. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

People are more then just brains and bodies. Be the heart that cares for her. Be the kind words that cheer her up when she's down. Be the voice of encouragement and support. Be the one who makes her smile and laugh. Be the person who shares special and fun moments with her, who goes places with her. Be the one who shows her love and respect.

I can say from experience that once you stimulate the mind and heart, the body will follow. Focus on treating her right and having that emotional bond, and the physical stuff will take care of itself.

Don't listen to that negative voice. You have a lot to offer. She's been dating you for three months, not a specific part of your anatomy. She must see something within you that she likes or she wouldn't still be seeing you. So believe in yourself just as she does.  

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

I haven't had a chance to cook for her yet.  I mean, over the years, she's eaten stuff that I've prepared - I am a chef, after all.  Just sort of randomly happens once in a while if you hang around a person long enough.   But I've never actually cooked for HER.  That would require that we be at either one of our apartments, which I always thought would put more pressure on bedroom activities, so I've held off.

We keep talking about me cooking us both dinner one night.  Maybe I'll start with that?  Stuff could happen or not, and it's hopefully no big deal either way?  At the very least, I could make her a dinner she hopefully loves - I know all the stuff she likes!  To eat, I mean

I remember we met in high school when she was helping me out with math.  Sparks kind of flew then a little bit - or at least I thought so, but I was already dating someone else at the time.  Our timing just never really matched up till now.  Now it's kind of the opposite situation - she's put on a lot of weight over the years, and she asked me to help her exercise more (motivate her, advise her on what to do).  She told me she trusts me more than going to some gym where there's lots of judgey people, I guess.  I was more than happy to help out.  There's at least couple of classes I don't think I had a chance in hell of passing without her.  Plus I wanted to spend time with her, to be honest.

Now that we're for real dating, I find myself acting like an idiot kid again.  It's thrown me off!

[yogacat]

See, she definitely has her own body insecurities that she's shared with you. And yet, it sounds like you find her beautiful and amazing, regardless. That's what love is about - seeing someone's true beauty and loving them for it, regardless of any perceived imperfections. And that's exactly how she feels about you, too. You may not fit society's definition of physical perfection, but to her, you are perfect just the way you are.

This is a two-way street, my friend. She may have imagined what you look like naked, but I guarantee, she has also imagined what she will look like naked with you. And not once did she ever think, "Oh, I hope he has a huge penis."

[Bodybuilder_Jay]

Yeah I, of course, don't know for certain, but if I had to guess - she's probably somewhere in the 325 to 350 department?  And I think she's gained about 100 of that over the years I've known her.  So yeah, she's not small.  And in the past, she's talked to me about self-esteem issues about how big she is.  So yeah for her, I guess it's definitely a thing.

And she's ALSO the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.  And I'm not just saying that just to blow smoke or earn credit points here - I mean like for real.  Last week, when we went out, she wore this navy blue dress with this like white lacey small jacket thing over the top - not sure what it's called - a bolero jacket maybe?  But sort of lacy and see through?  Like holy ***, she took my breath away - she looked like a damn supermodel.  Classy and gorgeous.  She's just so beautiful I can't really describe it

If Ashlee wants me to help her lose weight, then that's fine - I can totally make that happen.  I know how to exercise correctly, and how to cook healthy stuff that tastes good.  But she certainly doesn't need to do that for me - she's already in gorgeous territory.  I really hope she knows that.  I think she does?  I think Ashlee just wants to feel better about herself.  I'll help out if I can.  Plus she looks super hot in her cute little exercising outfits, so it's not entirely without a payoff for me lol 🙂