Ended A Relationship - The Right Thing?

[AndyPandy]

Apologies for a long post but it's important to provide the context to this story... I'm in my late 40s and for the better part of 8 months I'd been seeing a woman in her early 50s who has been married twice and has three children ranging from 12 to 30. She introduced me to her mother who immediately reacted towards me with prejudicial comments (I'm black) and I was rather disappointed that my GF failed to gently dissuade her from this and instead sat in silence. This was a foreshadowing of things to come.

The mother asked me about my level of education and I explained that I have a master's and the UK version of a summa cum laude bachelors degree - plus that I was also working towards a PhD. She expressed disapproval at my choices of university degrees - going as far as to tell me what I should've studied instead. Out of respect for my GF and wishing to keep the peace, I took it all in my stride, remained ultra-polite, smiled and brushed it off as best as possible. Things seemingly improved as the evening progressed and towards the end, the mother made a point of saying that I was welcome to return and visit her again.

However, my GF informed me that soon afterwards her mother had instructed her never to bring me over ever again as she disliked me and I'd made her feel uncomfortable. This was said in front of my GF's 12 year old daughter, which I thought was poor-form on numerous levels, especially that she deserved the opportunity to form her own opinion of me.

Later at a gathering, I was introduced by my GF to her 30 year old daughter who took one look at me and couldn't even bring herself to say hello and walked past me and spent the day speaking to everyone else in attendance. I subsequently discussed the incident with my GF and opined that she should ask her daughter why she behaved that way towards me but she refused to do so.

A week ago, I received a phone call from my GF that her mother had asked whether she was still in a relationship with me and was vocal in her opposition to this and went as far as referring to me in derisory language. She refused to divulge over the phone what exactly was said, so I suggested that we meet up and discuss it over coffee. On Monday we got together and she was reluctant to disclose what the mother had said but eventually revealed that among other things she had called me "a loser and a bum."

This really irked me because not only is it untrue and uncalled for, I've been a far better significant other than her daughter's two husbands - both of whom were financial leeches, domestic violence perpetrators who sat around the house all day - and one of them is a child molester who was caught abusing one of the daughter's children.

My GF refused to tell her mother to stop disparaging me and accused me of making a big deal about nothing and that I ought to suck it up. Despite being constantly interrupted and talked over, I stated that I'm a human being, that I don't deserve this treatment and pointed out that there's a pattern of her family disrespecting me and reminded her of the incident involving the eldest daughter. At this point she screamed at me that her daughter can act towards me however she pleases.

That was my cue to sever all ties. I blocked every avenue that she could use to contact me because I don't see anything constructive that could be gained from further communication with her. I realise that blocking is often seen as a cowardly tactic but it's also a necessity for self-care. What do you think of this situation? Did I do the right thing in walking away? Please share your thoughts.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

. She introduced me to her mother who immediately reacted towards me with prejudicial comments (I'm black) and I was rather disappointed that my GF failed to gently dissuade her from this and instead sat in silence. .That was my cue to sever all ties. I blocked every avenue that she could use to contact me

Sorry this happened. You definitely made the right decision cutting your losses. This seemed like a no- win situation from the get go,so it was only a matter of time before it imploded.  Be glad you're free of these people. 

[ShySoul]

49 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

I'm a human being, that I don't deserve this treatment and pointed out that there's a pattern of her family disrespecting me

If you ever question if you did the right thing, just read what you wrote there.

There is a certain basic level of respect and deceny that a person should be treated with. They couldn't do that. You were right in removing yourself from the situation and are better off without them. Sadly, there are still people who judge others based on the most superficial of things and will act in reprehensible ways towards them. They are the real losers. 

Better people are out there. Surround yourself with them and ignore the negative people.

[MissCanuck]

The only viable option here was to end this relationship. 

Your ex's family sounds horrendous, but your ex is no prize herself. Let someone else deal with her nonsense and poor attitude. 

[Kwothe28]

If 2 failed marriages havent been a clue at the beginning, then yes, her mother and her own bad education of the daughters certainly is. Next time when you hear something like this from your date

2 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

two husbands - both of whom were financial leeches, domestic violence perpetrators who sat around the house all day - and one of them is a child molester who was caught abusing one of the daughter's children.

Run. Because its also a reflection of them as well.

[AndyPandy]

Thanks so much for these supportive and compassionate replies, they really mean a lot! 🙂

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You definitely made the right decision cutting your losses. This seemed like a no- win situation from the get go,so it was only a matter of time before it imploded.  Be glad you're free of these people. 

I appreciate the validation and you're absolutely right, it was destined to disaster. Now that I reflect on everything I see that loud and clear - and yeah, I won't miss them at all!

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If you ever question if you did the right thing, just read what you wrote there.

That's a good idea, I should probably print it out and keep it nearby.

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

There is a certain basic level of respect and deceny that a person should be treated with. They couldn't do that. You were right in removing yourself from the situation and are better off without them.

Thank you. It'll take me a while to fully detox from this episode but I'm already looking forward to being in a relationship with someone who is nice. During our final interaction, I had stressed that if the positions were reversed and she had been treated this way that I would've stepped in and dealt with it - resolutely. I think that summed up the level of esteem that I held her in - which was not reciprocated on her side.

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Sadly, there are still people who judge others based on the most superficial of things and will act in reprehensible ways towards them. They are the real losers.

Agreed.

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Better people are out there. Surround yourself with them and ignore the negative people

Will do. 🙂

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

The only viable option here was to end this relationship.

Yes, when I received the phone call notifying me of the latest incident with her mother, I predicted that there would be no pushback on the part of my ex-GF and prepared myself for this outcome.

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your ex's family sounds horrendous, but your ex is no prize herself.

It really speaks volumes about the level of horrendousness that you reached this verdict upon knowing only a fraction of her behaviour.

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Let someone else deal with her nonsense and poor attitude. 

Absolutely.

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

If 2 failed marriages havent been a clue at the beginning, then yes, her mother and her own bad education of the daughters certainly is. Next time when you hear something like this from your date

Run. Because its also a reflection of them as well.

We started off as friends - I was unaware of much of this background till fairly recently when she began opening up about details from her past marriages on a major level. (During the friendship phase I didn't even know that she'd been married twice.) If I'd been aware of the entire story at the beginning I would've ran like hell.

[TeeDee]

Of course you did the right thing breaking up with this woman.  Her family sounds horrid & her by extension & by refusing to tell them to stop being horrible.  She enabled all that rudeness. 

My only question is why are you questioning your decision?  

[smackie9]

OK so you have a grown a$$ woman in her 50's that still tolerates her mother's opinions and let her dictate her life...what the hell is that? Then you have a mother that quizzes you about your education etc, and yet she has this daughter that has already had two failed marriages and is still pushed around by her own mother. Yikes. Damn you needed to be runnin away from that sir!

[AndyPandy]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Of course you did the right thing breaking up with this woman.  Her family sounds horrid & her by extension & by refusing to tell them to stop being horrible.  She enabled all that rudeness.

She also defended their rudeness. The original post was truncated because it was already fairly long but she said that it constituted "cancel culture" for her to tell her family that they should stop their behaviour as people should have the right to do as they please without fear of censorship.

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

My only question is why are you questioning your decision?  

Probably because she put doubts in my head by accusing me of misogyny on the grounds that the disrespectful behaviour involved female members of her family and as such, I was supposedly dictating to women how they should behave in society. Yeah, I know - absolute balderdash but this is what I was accused of.

The replies have helped me realise otherwise.

52 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK so you have a grown a$$ woman in her 50's that still tolerates her mother's opinions and let her dictate her life...what the hell is that?

With the help of all of you, the more that I reflect on this situation, the worse it sounds - far more than I'd actually realised.

59 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Then you have a mother that quizzes you about your education etc, and yet she has this daughter that has already had two failed marriages and is still pushed around by her own mother.

A daughter who protected the husband who abused one of her children by persuading the victimised child to accept the charges being reduced so that the husband wouldn't face prison time, under the rationale that if he's incarcerated then who is going to pay child support for the youngest child. A daughter who chose to spend the day hanging out with friends whilst one of her children underwent open-heart surgery and dismissed her negligence as something which she and the child concerned are now "past." A daughter whose youngest child has been removed from the daughter's home and taken to another city by one of her daughter's older children, who has informally assumed custody of them.

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Yikes. Damn you needed to be runnin away from that sir!

Thanks. Consider me well and truly run away. 🙂

[catfeeder]

Congratulations on your self respect. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later, and no, I don't believe it's cowardly to block anyone with whom you don't wish to speak. Someone who would characterize it that way is probably a controlling ninny who's been blocked themselves--for good reason. But there's really nothing left to say to this person.

While families are often part of a potential lover's package to whatever degree, it's one thing to have some jerks in that deal, but it's quite another for a partner to avoid putting them in their place in terms of respectful conduct or otherwise avoid them in favor of the chosen partner. This woman did neither, so not only is she disloyal, even worse, she, herself was disrespectful to you. In this context, that's not forgivable.

It's natural to miss the relationship and grieve it, but consider that anyone who would scream at you has a screw loose, and staying with them afterward gives implicit permission for that behavior to continue. But it doesn't just continue--all abuse escalates once a threshold is crossed successfully. Someone who would stay with such a person signals a lack of self respect, and so the disrespect is heightened, and it's all downhill from there.

Consider celebrating to soothe your grief by doing the opposite of isolation. Involve yourself with friends, family, neighbors or community by reaching out and making commitments you will not break. Even helping a friend to clean our their garage or paint a room can help 'normalize' you into feeling valuable and social again.

Head high, you've got this!

[yogacat]

100%, yes, one hundred percent! What a horrible, toxic family. Her daughters aren't any better? NO WAY! You found out now so you didn't have to, down the road.

Funny thing is they are two peas in a pod for the most part. The daughters aren't exactly like their mother, as they aren't as paranoid, but for the most part the damage is done.

[Andrina]

It also sounds like she enjoyed emotionally abusing you, telling you in detail the horrible things her mother said about you. There's never a need to relay such things to a person. 

We learn something from every relationship, so in this case, perhaps you'll identify red flags sooner in the future and be able to vette a little better. I know in my situation, I met my gem of a husband nine months after a year long toxic relationship. In that way, I appreciate my husband so much more after what I'd previously experienced. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

.Probably because she put doubts in my head by accusing me of misogyny on the grounds that the disrespectful behaviour involved female members of her family and as such, I was supposedly dictating to women how they should behave in society.  

The irony of a bunch of bigots calling you the misogynist. It's enough to walk away laughing at their Inane behavior and hypocrisy.

[AndyPandy]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Congratulations on your self respect. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later, and no, I don't believe it's cowardly to block anyone with whom you don't wish to speak. Someone who would characterize it that way is probably a controlling ninny who's been blocked themselves--for good reason. But there's really nothing left to say to this person.

I was criticised by someone for failing to do "the correct thing" by telling her that all contact was at an end but this seemed like a bizarre outlook to me because I really couldn't see the point under these circumstances. The formal goodbye applies to situations where mutual respect is in operation.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

While families are often part of a potential lover's package to whatever degree, it's one thing to have some jerks in that deal, but it's quite another for a partner to avoid putting them in their place in terms of respectful conduct or otherwise avoid them in favor of the chosen partner. This woman did neither, so not only is she disloyal, even worse, she, herself was disrespectful to you. In this context, that's not forgivable.

Totally agree. The rage, the resentment and hate in her eyes as she screamed at me is something that I'll never forget. She was angry at me for asking that her family behave respectfully towards me but never angry at them for their actions towards me.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's natural to miss the relationship and grieve it, but consider that anyone who would scream at you has a screw loose, and staying with them afterward gives implicit permission for that behavior to continue. But it doesn't just continue--all abuse escalates once a threshold is crossed successfully. Someone who would stay with such a person signals a lack of self respect, and so the disrespect is heightened, and it's all downhill from there.

Not only did she scream, she also slammed a fist down onto the table and had reacted with annoyance when I offered to read the coffee shop food menu for her as she'd forgotten her reading glasses and ranted that she didn't want my help and would prefer to struggle unaided. All of this solidified my realisation that I was in an extremely toxic situation which wouldn't take much on her part to become physically abusive.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Consider celebrating to soothe your grief by doing the opposite of isolation. Involve yourself with friends, family, neighbors or community by reaching out and making commitments you will not break. Even helping a friend to clean our their garage or paint a room can help 'normalize' you into feeling valuable and social again.

An excellent idea. I'm meeting a friend on Tuesday for dinner, so that will be a good start.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Head high, you've got this!

Thank you. 🙂

28 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It also sounds like she enjoyed emotionally abusing you, telling you in detail the horrible things her mother said about you. There's never a need to relay such things to a person.

That's a good point - I hadn't picked up on that angle. Why would you repeatedly relay to someone else that your mother despises them and then make them listen to the details of the fun weekend(s) that you had with that person?

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The irony of a bunch of bigots calling you the misogynist. It's enough to walk away laughing at their Inane behavior and hypocrisy.

I know right? The mother treats me with disdain - unchallenged by her daughter, I brush it off and kill her with kindness and she complains to her daughter that I made her uncomfortable. Experts in projection and deflection.

[jul-els]

You absolutely did the right thing. 100%. Keep moving forward and don’t look back. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

I was criticised by someone for failing to do "the correct thing" by telling her that all contact was at an end ...

Wow. "Correct" according to whom? If this critic is someone important to you, it might be interesting to learn where they got that idea, but otherwise, nonsense. That's like chasing someone down the street to tell them you don't want to talk to them. The only time I believe that it's incumbent on me to inform someone that I'll be out of touch is if I ever may cross paths with them in shared social circles. Which addresses your point below.

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...but this seemed like a bizarre outlook to me because I really couldn't see the point under these circumstances. The formal goodbye applies to situations where mutual respect is in operation.

Exactly. Respect is earned and maintained, it's not a given to be offered to someone who has already mooted it.

Quote

Totally agree. The rage, the resentment and hate in her eyes as she screamed at me is something that I'll never forget. She was angry at me for asking that her family behave respectfully towards me but never angry at them for their actions towards me.

I hear. She's unaware that the automatic deference she pays to her family is not a universal given. She reacted like an infant, and in an odd way, that served you well to see clearly.

Quote

An excellent idea. I'm meeting a friend on Tuesday for dinner, so that will be a good start.

Good. Meanwhile, reach out to those you care about who may have been neglected while you were focused on whutsurname, and fill your calendar with plans to catch up with your good people.  I always poo-poohed such advice during my healing from breakups because I'm an introvert, but that was to my detriment. Isolation made my recovery ten times more difficult, because I spun myself too deeply into my own head. That drill inward is tough climb out!

I learned the wisdom of staying social when I suffered anxiety after a hurricane. I forced myself to surround myself with people at all times, because for the first time in my life, being alone was not a comfort. So act 'as if' you must obligate yourself socially, and make that time about-them-not-you. You will thank yourself after each time you force yourself to just show up. Even when you don't feel like it. You won't feel 'on' enough to put on your best face, and that can make you a fabulous listener. It can lead to the kind of bonding you've never experienced, no matter how well you think you may know someone. This can become a game-changer for you if you work it.

[Cherylyn]

Yes, you did the right thing by ending it.  It was a toxic environment for you and very mentally unhealthy.  It was too stressful.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

Probably because she put doubts in my head by accusing me of misogyny on the grounds that the disrespectful behaviour involved female members of her family and as such, I was supposedly dictating to women how they should behave in society.

They have defended an abuser and child molester, and yet you are the misogynist disrespecting women? It's always fascinating the level of hyprocrisy and projection that those kinds of people are capable of. 

11 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

she said that it constituted "cancel culture" for her to tell her family that they should stop their behaviour as people should have the right to do as they please without fear of censorship.

Were they also complaining about people forcing them to be "woke?" The second someone starts angerly using those phrases that's probably a good signal to run to the nearest exit and not look back.

You made the right call, all the way. Remember, these people will have to live with themselves and all the problems they cause. They have to constantly face the internalized hatred and anger they are projecting. They are the ones who are messed up. You get to walk away and have a better life without the crazy drama. You win.

[AndyPandy]

On 4/21/2024 at 2:24 AM, catfeeder said:

I hear. She's unaware that the automatic deference she pays to her family is not a universal given. She reacted like an infant, and in an odd way, that served you well to see clearly.

Indeed, she well and truly showed me exactly what kind of a person she is - and made her lack of regard for me quite clear. She unwittingly did me a great favour.

On 4/21/2024 at 2:24 AM, catfeeder said:

Good. Meanwhile, reach out to those you care about who may have been neglected while you were focused on whutsurname, and fill your calendar with plans to catch up with your good people.  I always poo-poohed such advice during my healing from breakups because I'm an introvert, but that was to my detriment. Isolation made my recovery ten times more difficult, because I spun myself too deeply into my own head. That drill inward is tough climb out!

I'm working towards this and I've also gone a step further - I've been attending to activities which had been neglected, in particular my electrical engineering hobby. There's a pile of computers and consoles ranging from 80s and 90s stuff through to the PS4 that I've begun working on. Here's an example...

This project is now up and running, which has been extremely rewarding and has channelled my energies into a positive direction rather than dwelling on negative thoughts. I'm hoping to get started on another one later today.

On 4/21/2024 at 2:24 AM, catfeeder said:

I learned the wisdom of staying social when I suffered anxiety after a hurricane. I forced myself to surround myself with people at all times, because for the first time in my life, being alone was not a comfort. So act 'as if' you must obligate yourself socially, and make that time about-them-not-you. You will thank yourself after each time you force yourself to just show up. Even when you don't feel like it. You won't feel 'on' enough to put on your best face, and that can make you a fabulous listener. It can lead to the kind of bonding you've never experienced, no matter how well you think you may know someone. This can become a game-changer for you if you work it.

A friend has invited me to a party that's coming up in a few weeks and I'll definitely be going. Unfortunately my ex has also been invited and I almost declined when I discovered this but its been pointed out to me that I shouldn't lose access to my social circle because of her and that she might not even turn up and if even she does, I don't even need to talk to her.

On 4/21/2024 at 4:45 AM, ShySoul said:

They have defended an abuser and child molester, and yet you are the misogynist disrespecting women? It's always fascinating the level of hyprocrisy and projection that those kinds of people are capable of.

That abuser and child molester has boasted to her about escaping prosecution for his actions towards her middle daughter but is happily allowed unsupervised access to his 12 year old daughter. The implications of that are extremely troubling but yes, apparently I'm the misogynist who disrespects women and makes them feel uncomfortable.

On 4/21/2024 at 4:45 AM, ShySoul said:

Were they also complaining about people forcing them to be "woke?" The second someone starts angerly using those phrases that's probably a good signal to run to the nearest exit and not look back.

The tirade stopped just short of that. Quite, the utterance of "cancel culture" and equating it with her family having the right to disrespect me helped contribute to my departure from the situation. Ironically she views herself as a progressive.

On 4/21/2024 at 4:45 AM, ShySoul said:

You made the right call, all the way. Remember, these people will have to live with themselves and all the problems they cause. They have to constantly face the internalized hatred and anger they are projecting. They are the ones who are messed up. You get to walk away and have a better life without the crazy drama. You win.

Thanks and I will keep all of these insights in mind whenever I reflect on what transpired. A week on and my overwhelming feeling is relief that I'm free of these toxic people and their toxicity. Rest assured, there will be no reconciliation with her - not ever. You'll never see an update with me explaining that I gave her another chance because she's changed etc.

If anything, I'm looking forward to finding and being with someone who likes and respects me. I know she's out there. Fingers crossed that I'll get to share that happy news with you all. 🙂

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

A friend has invited me to a party that's coming up in a few weeks and I'll definitely be going.

Okay, great. That's a few weeks away, and your hobby, while engrossing, is solitary. Consider this social circle you'll see at the party, and reach out to some of those friends to hang one-on-one, or tend to family, or a neighbor, or whoever can use your help with something.

The point is to be 'externally' busy and to cultivate your bonds with others instead of strengthening a reclusive tendency. This works best when you are motivated to move out of your own way. Not only is this a great healing technique, it can move you beyond reclusive tendencies, which tend to solidify as we age. When that happens, it's more and more difficult to reverse.

[boltnrun]

In most circles you would be considered a "catch". But some people refuse to see anything except the color of one's skin. I've been approached and asked loudly "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" because I'm ethnically Latina. And been asked when I got into the country and yes, if I'm here legally. I even had a man I was dating tell me "You're the first Mexican I've ever been around who wasn't holding a leaf blower." I mean, really?

You can do much better. And I agree, do some socializing and I bet you'll meet someone who'll make you VERY glad you walked away from that woman.

And blocking is just fine. No need to leave a door open for that odious woman. 

[AndyPandy]

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

In most circles you would be considered a "catch".

Why, thank you! 🙂

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But some people refuse to see anything except the color of one's skin. I've been approached and asked loudly "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" because I'm ethnically Latina. And been asked when I got into the country and yes, if I'm here legally. I even had a man I was dating tell me "You're the first Mexican I've ever been around who wasn't holding a leaf blower." I mean, really?

I encountered similar dynamics of micro-aggressions with my ex's mother. An egregious example is that as soon as she saw me, her first question was to ascertain my nationality and "background" and no matter how many times that it was repeated to her, she refused to accept the simple, truthful answer that I'm not an immigrant - that I was born and raised in the UK - the same as herself and her daughter.

It wasn't the answer that she wanted - or believed and instead she demanded to know which country I really belong to - because in her mind it couldn't be the UK. She was more fixated on this insulting line of questioning than even asking me how long I'd known her daughter or how we met - which was something that she never bothered to enquire about.

My ex said that I should've taken her mother to task and let her know how uncomfortable she was making me. I was incredulous at having to explain that it's her mother - it would've been extremely awkward for me to do that during the first meeting and that it's her responsibility to intercede on my behalf with her parent, especially as she was literally sat beside her throughout the entire incident.

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You can do much better. And I agree, do some socializing and I bet you'll meet someone who'll make you VERY glad you walked away from that woman.

Fingers crossed. 

I look forward to sharing a nice update on that subject in due course. 🙂

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And blocking is just fine. No need to leave a door open for that odious woman. 

Thank you. I really appreciate the validation.

[itsallgrand]

I haven't read most of the replies. But all I can think is oh God, this lady is acting like a stereotypical Mountain Dew swilling hick lol. Does she yell at gay couples too? 

You are an educated man in his 40s, obviously have patience!, and you are a catch for so many women! Keep a watch on your picker so you aren't standing in your own way going forward in finding someone who will treat you as you deserve. 

 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

I look forward to sharing a nice update on that subject in due course. 🙂

I'm sure you will.

I am glad to know that most people aren't like your ex's mother or that man I dated. My ex husband's family welcomed me with open arms. They actually celebrated my ethnicity and thought it was awesome that they would have the opportunity to learn more about my culture. Really neat people. I probably felt worse about losing them as family than I did about my husband and I splitting, TBH.