What should i do?

[LINDA]

Every time I feel puzzled, I come back here. I've been seeing this guy for 4 months now. We've been on a lot of dates, we text every day, and we get along well. He used to hold my hand, kiss my cheeks, and call me his love or sweet names. Does that mean we're exclusive? Once, while talking, I told him that I really like him, but his response was somewhat short, like 'I do too.' I feel like he wants to keep me, but at the same time, he doesn't. I don't want to ask him directly because I've already sent many signals, but I haven't received a clear answer. It might feel awkward if I ask him first and get rejected.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, LINDA said:

Does that mean we're exclusive?

How would we know that? 

I think its OK to want to know how does he defines your relationship and to ask him. If he says that you are in a relationship and that he wants to be, good. If he starts to squirm and says how he wants to be casual or some phrase like “lets see what will happen”, that means that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you and that he just wants somebody to go out and maybe have sex every once in while. Dont think he would take you on so many dates already and keep contact if he just wants casual. But you never know these days and it shouldnt be a problem for you to ask for his intentions.

[Batya33]

Four months to me is long enough to know what his intentions are and I am surprised he didn't share that yet.  How often do you see each other? If it's about once a week then for sure ask him "what are your intentions about us?" It's a broad question but a person who wants to be with you and sees serious potential will want to make sure you know that -why would he risk you thinking otherwise and you dating others and leaving him?

All relationships require a level of risk and vulnerability.  Totally fine if the benefits are not worth the risk of him saying he wants to keep dating but not with any serious potential or whatever.  The benefits are avoiding rejection.  You are allowed to choose fear over potential closeness.  Consider whether that works for you in your life.

[TeeDee]

The only thing that means you are exclusive is when the two of you talk about the relationship & verbally mutually agree to exclusive.  Hand holding, cheek kisses, daily texts & even sex have nothing to do with exclusivity. 

After 4 months the idea that you will find it awkward to talk to him about the relationship tells me there are communication issues in here.  If you aren't comfortable enough to talk., what exactly is your relationship based on?  

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, LINDA said:

It might feel awkward if I ask him first and get rejected.

So what do you think is worse? The quote above, or being kept in the dark and all of a sudden find out since no exclusivity has been discussed, that  he's been sharing his body with other women besides you. Or that it might take him a year or more to decide to only date you because he'll feel like a caged tiger.

You're going to have to embrace, for your own good, putting yourself in the driver's seat. If you would like to be exclusive, because you want to be monogamous, plus he treats you like a priority and he's a prized partner, ask him if desires the same. If he doesn't want this after knowing you this long, it doesn't matter how much it hurts you to break up. You should, because he doesn't match you in your dating/relationship style.

Because of what you've written, however, your self-esteem seems lacking so I'm not so sure he is the ideal partner who is worthy of you. 

4 hours ago, LINDA said:

I feel like he wants to keep me, but at the same time, he doesn't

The right guy won't have you feeling like this. The right guy makes you feel adored. How often does he ask you on dates (not just to be intimate)? Does he ask you questions about your daily life? Your wants and dreams? What is his relationship history? Have you met his friends? If so, what are they like? What does he do to have fun when he's not with you? How old are you two?

Many women have a biological response of wanting to bond with a man when she's having sex with him, even if he's very wrong for her. Make sure this isn't the only reason you think he's a keeper.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LINDA said:

. Does that mean we're exclusive? Once, while talking, I told him that I really like him, but his response was somewhat short, like 'I do too.' I feel like he wants to keep me, but at the same time, he doesn't. I don't want to ask him directly because I've already sent many signals, but I haven't received a clear answer. It might feel awkward if I ask him first and get rejected.

If you are seeing each other this long, it's fine to have the exclusive conversation. By "wants to keep you around", do you mean as FWB or casual sex. What you want from a relationship is important so speak your mind. It's better than finding out months later that he's sleeping with others. 

[smackie9]

next time he starts being all goo with you, you say "Does this mean we are exclusive?" 

[Username02]

Improving your communication skills, and being vulnerable by asking about exclusivity are risks worth taking.  Sometimes people who are ready for a commitment want to know that you are choosing them- since you see him regularly and he asks you out it seems safe to ask him about being exclusive.

Don’t sweat it if you don’t get the answer you want. 

You are a high value person and deserve to be treated as one.  In the future show up as high value and make it clear at some point before sex that you don’t have sex without being exclusive.  Men who seek a committed and real relationship will LOVE you for this and the men who are ass clowns will be weeded out which will save you tons of heartache.  

 

[ShySoul]

You are exclusive if you are only seeing each other, excluding others from the possibility of a date. Holding hands, pet names, kisses, are no guarantee of that. 

Short responses likewise don't indicate anything one way or another. When someone says I love you the typical response is something short like I love you too. The more important thing is if he is initiating those comments and compliments. Is he taking the time to tell and show you his feelings?

So many people get caught up in a game of hinting or giving signs. It allows them to avoid uncomfortable conversations or the fear of rejection. But it can't give you the answer you seek or the peace of mind that comes with actually knowing for sure. The only way to deal with a problem is to confront it. So why not just ask? You can drive yourself crazy wondering, or you can be proactive and talk about it. Worse case you find out he isn't invested and you won't waste your time on something that isn't going to work out. It may hurt for awhile, but you will know and will be able to process and move on. Best case you formally commit and can leave behind the doubts as you fully enjoy and embrace the relationship.

[Batya33]

I'd watch the feet mostly and not the lips unless he says he's not ready for a relationship (with you).  Sometimes couples don't have the talk -it's understood -but if one person is a "the talk" person the other person trips all over themselves to confirm that -of course -you two are a couple.  Actions -making future plans that are real -time and place -whether holidays or meeting family or attending a work event where families are included. Including you in most of his plans with rare exception -like if an old buddy is in town and they want to catch up and reminisce maybe no spouses/SOs. Actions - stepping up if you're not feeling well or a family member you care for.

I'd put little stock in expressing "feelings" or compliments about what you look like.  That may or may not be indicative of wanting a serious relationship with you.

[MissCanuck]

On 4/19/2024 at 11:33 AM, LINDA said:

We've been on a lot of dates, we text every day, and we get along well. He used to hold my hand, kiss my cheeks, and call me his love or sweet names. Does that mean we're exclusive?

Not necessarily, no. 

You are going to have to ask him directly. I wouldn't waste any more time wondering where you stand. 

 

[jul-els]

Based on the tone of your post, it sounds to me like you are very young and this may be the first person you’ve dated. The best and only why to find out is to ask. Communication is very important in any relationship. Ask him, see what he says, and go from there. 

[yogacat]

If he's not bringing it up himself, chances are (not always, but fairly often...) he's not ready. 

A lot of guys, even if they "know" they're exclusive, still aren't mentally ready to commit all the way just yet. 

If you want clarity, you have to be direct. Otherwise, you're just dancing around the issue and risking that he'll misconstrue what it means that you haven't yet had a direct conversation about exclusivity.
 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/19/2024 at 5:33 AM, LINDA said:

 his response was somewhat short, like 'I do too.' I feel like he wants to keep me, but at the same time, he doesn't. I don't want to ask him directly because I've already sent many signals, 

Please don't be so afraid of losing a guy that you'll put up with indifference and treating you like booty call. If you want exclusive dating you need to respect yourself and speak up rather than tiptoe around with " signals", hoping he gets the hint. 

[LINDA]

Thanks to your advices guys, something interesting happened the same day I posted here. I talked to a friend about this issue, and she suggested that I take the risk to test his loyalty and to define the relationship by putting a label on it. Otherwise, I was constantly facing the problem of him taking too long to respond to my messages or calls. When I addressed this, he claimed he was busy most of the time. However, I argued that my work is busier than his, yet I still find time to keep in touch with him. Nevertheless, my friend added him on chat, and he accepted her. Then, they started conversing. To my surprise, he responded quickly to her messages while leaving mine unread for hours. Eventually, they both made plans to meet for a coffee date, but my friend ended up blocking him because it became clear to us that he wasn't serious about me.

I know it may seem childish, but at least now I have a clearer understanding of where I stand.

[MissCanuck]

In the future, please don't go the route of "testing" someone like this. 

Learn to use your words and speak up for yourself. Now you know he's not all that interested in you, but you could have approached it more maturely. There is no need to hide behind a screen to figure out if someone has more serious intentions with you. 

[LINDA]

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In the future, please don't go the route of "testing" someone like this. 

Learn to use your words and speak up for yourself. Now you know he's not all that interested in you, but you could have approached it more maturely. There is no need to hide behind a screen to figure out if someone has more serious intentions with you. 

It feels a bit strange to me to act and hide at the same time. I realize now that I was so afraid to approach him and potentially hear an answer I didn't want to hear.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, LINDA said:

It feels a bit strange to me to act and hide at the same time. I realize now that I was so afraid to approach him and potentially hear an answer I didn't want to hear.

Also you didn't just want a label -you wanted to know if he sees serious potential in you.  Two very different things. I agree with Canuck - testing him is a very bad idea.  It was obvious to me from your first post you weren't asking him because you knew the answer. He of course can keep his options open and what he did in responding was not disloyal in the least.  I'd avoid those games in the future and your friend who suggested it -both of  you justify this sort of trickery- so watch your back.

Also if you have to nag or debate someone into showing they care by contacting you please know that's not a good sign.  Healthy is two people who like to be in touch and see each other roughly the same amount with tweaking necessary in unusual times - being out of town for work or vacation, being ill, taking care of an ill friend or family member, stressful work deadline -a healthy relationship withstands unusual times because of a basis of trust -there's no need to argue immaturely who is "busier" - I was ridiculously busy when I dated for over 20 years and I only got serious with extremely busy, ambitious men.  When it mattered we made the time -simple as that.

[LINDA]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also you didn't just want a label -you wanted to know if he sees serious potential in you.  Two very different things. I agree with Canuck - testing him is a very bad idea.  It was obvious to me from your first post you weren't asking him because you knew the answer. He of course can keep his options open and what he did in responding was not disloyal in the least.  I'd avoid those games in the future and your friend who suggested it -both of  you justify this sort of trickery- so watch your back.

Also if you have to nag or debate someone into showing they care by contacting you please know that's not a good sign.  Healthy is two people who like to be in touch and see each other roughly the same amount with tweaking necessary in unusual times - being out of town for work or vacation, being ill, taking care of an ill friend or family member, stressful work deadline -a healthy relationship withstands unusual times because of a basis of trust -there's no need to argue immaturely who is "busier" - I was ridiculously busy when I dated for over 20 years and I only got serious with extremely busy, ambitious men.  When it mattered we made the time -simple as that.

Thanks for your input. I acknowledge that my behavior was immature and not conducive to a healthy relationship. I was confused and afraid to confront the answer I already knew deep down. Perhaps it's my lack of experience in handling these kinds of emotions. I'm in my late twenties and have only been in one serious relationship before, and it was much simpler because both of us were clear about our intentions. I've come to realize that I don't need to feel confused or pressured to label a relationship if I'm with the right person.

[Batya33]

Just now, LINDA said:

Thanks for your input. I acknowledge that my behavior was immature and not conducive to a healthy relationship. I was confused and afraid to confront the answer I already knew deep down. Perhaps it's my lack of experience in handling these kinds of emotions. I'm in my late twenties and have only been in one serious relationship before, and it was much simpler because both of us were clear about our intentions. I've come to realize that I don't need to feel confused or pressured to label a relationship if I'm with the right person.

I mean no it's common sense -do you treat your friends that  way -it's basic common sense so please take ownership and don't try to justify based on experience -if  you don't you're likely to justify it again -just imagine if you run into a man who finds out what you did and is very angry and retaliates- not talking physical violence even but obviously he knows where you live, has access to you and can make life extremely unpleasant for you.  

Again if you only want a label go find someone who feels that way about relationships -get the label and trot him around as MY BOYFRIEND! or whatever label you choose and then wonder what the meaning is.  How you refer to each other is a shorthand way of expressing a commitment, serious intentions, likely love and caring.  

If you "lack experience" in choosing how to react to feelings of insecurity or fear such that you choose to react by trying to trick or manipulate people I'd avoid dating anyone until you feel secure that even if you are tempted to do what you did -you won't do so and you don't give yourself a pass for what you chose to do.  Get experience by doing the internal work -notice how you react to uncomfortable situations, the choices you ultimately make - notice it and show yourself through daily experiences even that you choose to do what is right even if it is harder to do.  It's really not about dating -it's about how you treat other humans. 

[TeeDee]

You got your answer.  He wasn't as invested in you as you hoped.  Deep down you knew that was the case which is why you avoided speaking to him. 

"Testing" someone is usually a bad idea.  Your friend who suggested it is the blind leading the blind; she doesn't know much more about healthy mature relationships than you do.  Be wary of her advice in the future but also trust your instincts.  You knew something was off.  Have enough faith in yourself to address issues directly with words. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, LINDA said:

I was so afraid to approach him and potentially hear an answer I didn't want to hear.

But does it feel any better getting an answer by baiting him like this?