I get so lonely, it hurts.

[Halle Berry23]

I'm a 30 year old single mother. I've been single for 16 months now. 

I miss being in a relationship, it gets so lonely. I yearn to be loved and caressed but I can't seem to meet a man willing to commit to me because I'm a mother. 

It hurts how men look past me because I'm a mum, all they want is to have sex with me but not commit.

 

I met a man last December and we really hit it off from the get go, he tells me he likes me but won't commit. The sex is mind blowing and even though I know it's not going anywhere I can't help but go back because of sex.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling sad! I solo parent a lot.  I'm 57 with a 15 year old.  Cannot imagine being a single mother -hats off to you.  You can help. Do you let your child treat him or herself badly because "I can't help it??"

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Halle Berry23 said:

The sex is mind blowing and even though I know it's not going anywhere I can't help but go back because of sex.

You can help it. 

I understand the attraction is strong and you enjoy the sex, but you're making an active choice each time you sleep with him. You're standing in your own way. 

And for what it's worth, there are lots of men who date single mothers. You have to make sure you don't try to hang on to the ones who aren't keen on it, such as this man you're currently seeing. You could be concentrating instead on meeting other men who are more compatible with you. 

[TeeDee]

the more time you waste on Mr. Wrong, the less time you will have to find Mr. Right. 

You are a mom now.  That means you have to date like a mom not like a single woman.  As a single women you were free to have casual sex but if you are looking for commitment, you have to be more patient & selective.  You need monogamy BEFORE you hit the sheets.   It's a horrible double standard but there are men out there who prey on single moms as being lonely / desperate & those men think that the moms will give it away because clearly the moms are not virgins.  

[boltnrun]

I'm a single mom and I had relationships.  Three in fact after I was divorced.  One of the men I dated was also divorced with kids and the other two had never been married and didn't have kids.

What about single fathers?  They certainly can't judge you for being a mother.  And there are literally thousands of really nice divorced dads out there (my brother is one!)

And yes, you CAN "help it".  Be your own best friend and advocate.

[smackie9]

IMO for your best interest, set your expectations to "companionship" date casually, go out and enjoy yourself. Don't throw all your energy into finding a man to fill your void. A man doesn't give you a life, only you can do that. Go out dancing, talk, meet men, feel desired. Keep your independence.

[ShySoul]

Everyone gets lonely and wishes they had that special someone to be with them. It's understandable. It makes us human. And I'm sure single parents do have it harder finding someone. But there are guys out there who wouldn't mind a relationship with a single mom. Maybe I'm biased, but I look to my family. My father got with my mom when she already had two boys. One of my brothers got with a woman when she already had two girls. Both couples ended up getting married. So it's not impossible to find someone.

What you are missing is the closeness, the companionship. After a long day of work, household chores, and running after a child, you can't help but think how nice it would be to have someone there to share things with, to help you through all the madness. You want someone just to talk to and to hold you, letting you feel safe and know that it will all be alright. And yes, sex would be nice too. But mindblowing sex isn't going to fill the rest of the emptyness inside you. You need more, which is why seeing this guy is ultimately not fulfilling. 

Be strong enough to end things if it's not giving you what you need. And you are strong. Any woman who can be a single mom is strong, certainly strong enough to tell a man she wants more then casual sex.  

From there, take time to focus on you. Do you get moments to yourself? Maybe have family who can babysit once a week so you can have an evening off to recharge? If you want you can try dating. Or you can just do something for you. See a movie/play. Shop. Take a hike. Do anything that takes your mind off the lonliness, off the responsibilities, and is simply fun and makes you happy. 

 

[itsallgrand]

Is it possible you aren't ready to commit to anything serious yourself yet? You measured the time since you've been single in months, which is sort of interesting to me because it implies you are still struggling with the end of that relationship. And if you are, hey, that would be ok. It's a pretty huge adjustment. I don't know the circumstances that led to that, but maybe it had an impact on your ability to trust men for now? Is the child's father still in the child's life? 

Right now you are choosing casual with sex. If you own it, really own it, it will take you further in having your sense of control versus feeling like this is a result of "how men are". There are men who prey on women they see as vulnerable, but that's not limited to single moms. And there are plenty of good men who build lives with women who already have children. 

 

[Halle Berry23]

17 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Is it possible you aren't ready to commit to anything serious yourself yet? You measured the time since you've been single in months, which is sort of interesting to me because it implies you are still struggling with the end of that relationship. And if you are, hey, that would be ok. It's a pretty huge adjustment. I don't know the circumstances that led to that, but maybe it had an impact on your ability to trust men for now? Is the child's father still in the child's life? 

Right now you are choosing casual with sex. If you own it, really own it, it will take you further in having your sense of control versus feeling like this is a result of "how men are". There are men who prey on women they see as vulnerable, but that's not limited to single moms. And there are plenty of good men who build lives with women who already have children. 

 

The father of my child and I were together for 6 years. For the first 4 years everything was beautiful, like any other couple we had our highs and lows. The last two years he became a different person, I understand that with time people change and you have to grow with them and embrace the changes but he began to distance himself, he cheated on me twice during the last two years of our relationship.

As much as it hurt, I still loved him and I wanted our family. I didn't want my child to grow up in two different homes. 

The 6th year, we didn't even have sex, our communication was off, and that's when I broke it off because as much as I longed for a stable and happy home for my child, I was not happy. 

So to answer your question, no I'm not holding on to my last relationship because there's nothing there for me, I've moved on. I've found myself again and I'm happy and I would love to share my happiness with someone else.

 

[Halle Berry23]

18 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Everyone gets lonely and wishes they had that special someone to be with them. It's understandable. It makes us human. And I'm sure single parents do have it harder finding someone. But there are guys out there who wouldn't mind a relationship with a single mom. Maybe I'm biased, but I look to my family. My father got with my mom when she already had two boys. One of my brothers got with a woman when she already had two girls. Both couples ended up getting married. So it's not impossible to find someone.

What you are missing is the closeness, the companionship. After a long day of work, household chores, and running after a child, you can't help but think how nice it would be to have someone there to share things with, to help you through all the madness. You want someone just to talk to and to hold you, letting you feel safe and know that it will all be alright. And yes, sex would be nice too. But mindblowing sex isn't going to fill the rest of the emptyness inside you. You need more, which is why seeing this guy is ultimately not fulfilling. 

Be strong enough to end things if it's not giving you what you need. And you are strong. Any woman who can be a single mom is strong, certainly strong enough to tell a man she wants more then casual sex.  

From there, take time to focus on you. Do you get moments to yourself? Maybe have family who can babysit once a week so you can have an evening off to recharge? If you want you can try dating. Or you can just do something for you. See a movie/play. Shop. Take a hike. Do anything that takes your mind off the lonliness, off the responsibilities, and is simply fun and makes you happy. 

 

His mom is in fact a single mother, although he had a step dad, they didn't get along but I understand everyone has their own preferences. It's quite beautiful for someone to notice even from the shadows (He hasn't met my child hence "shadows") that you're doing an amazing job with your child, he does compliment me on my parenting and how I'm doing well for myself but I guess that's just where it ends.

The father of my child is present, we've decided to put past feelings aside and focus on raising a happy child. So I do get time to myself now and again.

I go for jogs, I love hosting friends and family and I'm an avid reader lol. 

It's true, we all get lonely and long for someone to just talk to after a long day.

I'm hopeful that some day, I will find my best friend.

Thank you for the beautiful words.

[Batya33]

That's nice that he compliments your parenting but as you realize doesn't mean anything about him wanting to be involved in any serious way.

Why did you and the father never marry? I'm sorry it didn't work out and I'm sorry you feel lonely!

[Sindy_0311]

I’m a single mom too every two weeks. Be both have 50% custody. It allows me to go out on dates, meet my friends, work on my projects and workout more when my son is with his father. I don’t think the issue is the fact that you have a kid or are a single mom. The issue could be that you don’t have much time on your hands to meet men and build a connection with the men you are dating. 

Some men I have dated these last two years were sometimes bothered by my lack of time. Especially the ones who didn’t have kids. They knew that every two weeks they wouldn’t see me. And early stage this situation is not easy. I sometimes had to wait two weeks before going on another date with a guy. (we only had weekend dates because of our work schedule) And when you hang out only twice a month, it’s not easy to build a close connection. That why I decided to date guys who live close enough to catch up when we have a couple of hours. Maybe you should try to date man who also have kids. They are more likely to understand your situation. And frankly if men don't commit to you, its not because you are a mom, its just because they don't like you enough. 

On 3/25/2024 at 11:34 PM, Halle Berry23 said:

It's true, we all get lonely and long for someone to just talk to after a long day.

I wish someone someday finds a recipe to overcome this...

I had the same feeling this morning when I woke up, mornings would be so easier if I had a mans arms wrapped around me... 

If someone has some advice to share outside of the commun "enjoy your life, workout, meet your friends", that would be very welcome... how to deal with celibacy and its loneliness?

[Halle Berry23]

On 3/28/2024 at 2:59 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

I’m a single mom too every two weeks. Be both have 50% custody. It allows me to go out on dates, meet my friends, work on my projects and workout more when my son is with his father. I don’t think the issue is the fact that you have a kid or are a single mom. The issue could be that you don’t have much time on your hands to meet men and build a connection with the men you are dating. 

Some men I have dated these last two years were sometimes bothered by my lack of time. Especially the ones who didn’t have kids. They knew that every two weeks they wouldn’t see me. And early stage this situation is not easy. I sometimes had to wait two weeks before going on another date with a guy. (we only had weekend dates because of our work schedule) And when you hang out only twice a month, it’s not easy to build a close connection. That why I decided to date guys who live close enough to catch up when we have a couple of hours. Maybe you should try to date man who also have kids. They are more likely to understand your situation. And frankly if men don't commit to you, its not because you are a mom, its just because they don't like you enough. 

I wish someone someday finds a recipe to overcome this...

I had the same feeling this morning when I woke up, mornings would be so easier if I had a mans arms wrapped around me... 

If someone has some advice to share outside of the commun "enjoy your life, workout, meet your friends", that would be very welcome... how to deal with celibacy and its loneliness?

That's true. We never have time on our hands and we will always put our children first before anything and if that means being single till my son is out for college then so be it. 

I dated two single dads but sadly that never worked out because they were still stuck on the mother of the child. 

 

Dating is hard, celibacy is hard but I'm hopeful that one day I will find someone who is for me.

[ShySoul]

On 3/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

If someone has some advice to share outside of the commun "enjoy your life, workout, meet your friends", that would be very welcome... how to deal with celibacy and its loneliness?

The cynic in me says you just get used to it. I don't like that part of me.

The larger part of me clings to the hope that one day things will be different. I find stories of love working out and people finding their soulmate. I see that is is possible and have faith that one day it can happen for me. I know it's not much to go on and can be difficult, but sometimes hope is all we have.

Hope you find someone Sindy and Halle. You both deserve something special and awesome.

[SooSad33]

On 3/24/2024 at 5:54 AM, Halle Berry23 said:

I met a man last December and we really hit it off from the get go, he tells me he likes me but won't commit. The sex is mind blowing and even though I know it's not going anywhere I can't help but go back because of sex.

So, you're enjoying the physical part, but miss the rest 😕 .  And this sounds quite new... since Dec. Then it's basically a fwb situation?

I guess if for now, this is enough for you, you'll stick around for it.  In time, yeah you'll want more than this.

BUT, not all men shy away from women with kids.  It's the norm!  Practically every woman out there has kids... so, what you need to do is keep looking - for someone who is fine with you having kids and IS wanting the whole package 😉 .

In the meanwhile, do you hang with friends? Get out so kids can have playdates, etc?  Take care of YOU as well in this.