Should I get back with this guy

[marmar]

So this is a long and complicated story. I dated this guy for a bit last year and I accidentally lost my virginity to him. Then I freaked out and dumped him and told my family that I thought he raped me. I believe that sex is for after marriage so I definitely didn't want to be having sex with him. I then got sick mentally but I have always suffered from mental illness so it's not as though it was totally the guy's fault. But now, I've been texting him and he wants to get back with me, it's been a year at this point. I don't know how to explain to my family that I've been texting him or that he's been wanting me back. Part of me is wanting to get back with him. I almost feel as though I just want to forgive him and date him again. He seems he may be a good guy just that we accidentally had sex and maybe he just didn't realize I wasn't ready or whatever. I don't know if I can love anyone else. He seemed like a good guy and he really wants me. I felt scared of him for a long time but I'm wondering if I should just forget that and try again with him.

[Andrina]

When you've been mentally sick within the past year, apparently more than your norm, why would you think you're a good candidate for someone to date? What are you presently doing for psychiatric treatment?

To address the rest of what you're saying, he believes in pre-marital sex and you don't, so why would you resume dating him when he most assuredly won't want to be celibate?

Get to a stable place mentally before considering dating anyone for your own good and theirs. If you expect that to happen in mere months, that will be unrealistic. It will likely take years with the right psychiatrist and the right meds.

[marmar]

I had actually been stable for a long time before this, like for a couple years, but got ill again after the incident. You do have a point about the premarital sex it's just now I feel terrible because I left him even though he took my virginity.

[Andrina]

What I egregiously left out is that you need to do him a favor and block and delete him. If he knew you said he raped you to family members, he would not want you in his life. You also need to do the ethically right thing and tell your family you lied. You are dangerously playing with a person's life by lying about something that could derail his life in the worse way. Obviously you need to return to mental counseling because you have a lot to work on.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, marmar said:

 I dated this guy for a bit last year and I accidentally lost my virginity to him. Then I freaked out and dumped him and told my family that I thought he raped me.

I'm sorry to say that you did not "accidently" lose your virginity to him.  It was a conscious choice - not an accident.  But what's even worse (if I understand this correctly), is that it was a seriously low move to tell your family he raped you. Do you have any idea how this accusation could have ruined his entire life if they chose to report him?

That said, I agree with Andrina's post above.  Please seek professional help for your mental issues and do not try to get back with this guy, or any other relationship until you are mentally healthy and have sorted all of your issues out.

[Capricorn3]

31 minutes ago, marmar said:

 it's just now I feel terrible because I left him even though he took my virginity.

Just a little side note:  He did not take anything. You gave it.  Regretting your decision is not his fault, nor is it rape.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, marmar said:

 I freaked out and dumped him and told my family that I thought he raped me . I don't know how to explain to my family that I've been texting him or that he's been wanting me back. 

He didn't take anything from you and doesn't owe you an apology. Please move forward. False accusations of rape is serious and a nasty way to cover up your own choices. Please don't tell your family, especially since you lied to them about him.

[marmar]

I didn't lie it's just, I almost feel I want to just forgive him

[ShySoul]

How do you accidently lose your virginity? I ask this not to accuse you of doing anything wrong, nor do I really think we need all the details. I ask to point out that whatever happened, two people seemed to have been involved and made the decision to be participating in whatever you were doing that lead to it. Yes, in penetrating you, that would generally be considered as him taking your virginity. But it seems like you were willing, at least in that moment. That's fine. 

The problem stems from the choices you made after. You freaked out and made a very dangerous accusation against him, one that could get him in a lot of trouble. It's also one that I'm sure has caused your family a lot of grief and pain. Rape is a serious topic that has affected far to many women and men. I'm sure no one who has been affected by the subject would be okay with your choice.

The only way for you to make right is to come clean with everyone and deal with the consequences. It's not fair to him to see you with this cloud hanging over him, one he may not even be aware of. And it's not fair that your family has this view of him (and you) that doesn't match to reality. 

As for the guy specifically, why do you say you felt scared by him? Was he pressuring you in any way? Did you feel like you had to have sex? If you believe in waiting before having sex, then you should make that completely clear. If things start heating up, with any guy, and you aren't ready, just stop it. No means no and any guy who is worth it will respect that. No your limits and stick to them. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, marmar said:

I didn't lie it's just, I almost feel I want to just forgive him

Does he know you told your family he raped you?  He shouldn't forgive you for that. 

[ShySoul]

8 minutes ago, marmar said:

I didn't lie it's just, I almost feel I want to just forgive him

Was it rape or not? Did he force or pressure you into having sex? Or was it "an accident?" There is a difference. If it was forced upon you, then it is rape and that isn't something to forgive. But if you were fooling around and things just happened, then you did lie and accuse him.

[Capricorn3]

16 minutes ago, marmar said:

I didn't lie it's just, I almost feel I want to just forgive him

So DID he rape you?  OP, can you please clarify this point because no-one can advise in a constructive manner if we don't have the full story.  What was the scenario which led up to the "rape"?  Was he forceful?  Or did you participate?

[boltnrun]

There's a vast difference between being forced to engage in intercourse and feeling regret afterward because you agreed to have intercourse.

Can you please clarify if he forced you (by using physical force or threats) or if you agreed but regretted it afterward?

[ShySoul]

marmar, Please note were not trying to accuse you of anything personally. We just need to fully understand what happened before we can help. It's a delicate topic either way, so best we are all on the same page.

I'm thinking you got swept up in the moment, had sex, then regretted it. Maybe you just wanted to feel each other's bodies against each other, one thing lead to another, and there's penetration. That's okay. If you feel it was a mistake, then for you it was a mistake. It's okay if you don't want to have sex again. But that's not rape. It's two people getting carried away and doing something they maybe shouldn't have done. 

Whatever did happen, please continue to work on your own mental health. Your own well being is important. Please take care of yourself.

[SooSad33]

IF you do take him back. YOU need to make things clear FIRST. If you are against sex before marriage, he needs to know this.

And anyone who dates people like this, should be informed and respect that fact.

 

7 hours ago, marmar said:

I feel terrible because I left him even though he took my virginity.

You don't owe anyone anything just because you had sex.... I dated others before I married and then in time didn't work out. Stuff happens. Life experiences and by sounds of it you're still young.

so be easy on yourself , think for yourself and be honest to yourself and anyone you choose to date.

[TeeDee]

Do this guy a huge favor & leave him alone.  

You didn't "accidently" lose your virginity to him. You were a willing participant.  Then you accused him of raping you.  How dare you!  Liars like you who make false allegations against innocent men to cover up for their own bad choices undermine every true rape victim.  Making a false report like that is a crime.   Him talking you into it & you getting caught up in the moment is not rape; it's regret & not his fault or responsibility.  

If he did rape you, Why in God's name would you even think about getting back together with him?  

If you have mental health issues get them addressed.  Make peace with the fact that you are not a virgin anymore.  Since you already had sex with this guy you cannot expect to get back into a relationship with him that does not include sex.  You can't put that genie back in the box. 

Again, if you ever had any feelings for him, leave him alone.  Get yourself straightened out first.  

 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, marmar said:

I almost feel I want to just forgive him

Forgive him for what?

[smackie9]

You don't "accidentally" have sex. You two both agreed/consented to have sex. Don't dump your guilty conscience on him, you need to own your responsibility to this.  I suggest you get some counselling to get your head straight about your feelings about sex and dating before you set fire to this guy again and accuse him of rape because your brain ain't right.

[catfeeder]

I would leave the guy alone. Otherwise, are you ready and willing to explain to him that you told your family he raped you, and also notify your family that you are back to seeing this man?

Unless you clarify your behavior honestly for the man and your family, you will cause a clash between them, and that would be on you.

You'd be smart to leave this alone.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, marmar said:

 I accidentally lost my virginity to him. Then I freaked out and dumped him and told my family that I thought he raped me. I believe that sex is for after marriage so I definitely didn't want to be having sex with him.

You realize accusing someone of a crime that carries a prison sentence because you made a bad choice is wrong, no? This guy may be sleazy but you can stop seeing him. Please take responsibility for your choices.