Met a guy but skeptical about taking it forward

[lenaaa]

I am 25F. I recently started talking to this guy (22M) online from another city. We hit it instantly. So instantly that he started telling me he liked me from the very first couple of days, which was not something I could reciprocate because I am personally a very cautious person when it comes to relationships. We, both, however, click so much that I of course kept talking to him. He is a very closed off person, even if he has always been emotionally available to me. He takes time to himself to process info. Personally, I don't mind because I also like my personal space (been single for almost 2 years). Problem is his over enthusiastic likeness to me that he portrayed is slowly turning lighter, BUT this time I am having a problem with his reduced energy regarding this. I have a problem with attachment, and even if it isn't worse as before, I am very scared I am getting attached. I feel the difference in the ways we interact, I wait for his texts, and I am afraid it's too soon for me to act like this.

I still want to try things because I think we are very compatible in our beliefs. He is a student, so am I, and we can only see other this winter (if it goes on that long). He does keep telling me likes me, but I am starting to believe he is mistaking fascination and infatuation for liking, and being someone who falls very hard once they do, I DO NOT want to go forward if the other person is not even sure of what they feel. I don't want him to realise 5 months into the relationship that he just idealized me and did not actually liked me. Please advise on how to take this forward, and what kind of conversations I could initiate to better understand this situation.

[Batya33]

How far do you live and how do you know he is who he says he is?So far there is no dating or romantic relationship -he's a chat buddy you flirt with. If you can't meet him in person in a public place within the next week or so I'd stop contact or resume contact shortly before your planned first meet in public to confirm the plan.  I think you're getting way ahead of yourself as is he.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lenaaa said:

 He is a student, so am I, and we can only see other this winter

How far apart are you? Please be careful not to get caught up in  cyber fantasies. You haven't met. You don't know him. Please enjoy your local life and try to get more involved in real people on campus and where you are. 

[catfeeder]

Online relationships are fantasy feeders that aren't grounded in any kind of reality. Someone who claims romantic feelings toward you without having met you is either touched in the head or a scammer who is grooming you for a setup to take advantage of you.

If you aren't willing to pull back from this stranger, consider that your tuition covers mental heath counseling on campus. Since you've already paid for the services, why not use them, and learn ways to redirect your focus onto forming real life friendships and dating with people who are local to you?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, lenaaa said:

Problem is his over enthusiastic likeness to me that he portrayed is slowly turning lighter, BUT this time I am having a problem with his reduced energy regarding this.

What does this mean? He is texting you less? Do you two talk on the phone? 

I think you (and he) are getting swept away in a fantasy, for what it's worth. You don't know each other and digital communication is no substitute for real dating. You won't be able to really assess your actual compatibility for months. Personally, I would dial this way back. It doesn't sound like a very viable relationship prospect. 

Because even if he is who he says he is and is a wonderful guy, how do you really expect a relationship would work when it doesn't appear either of you have time/means to see other very often? 

[Coily]

Bucking the trend here.

Sometimes online can work if both parties don't jump out of the gate wanting/expecting a relationship; platonic or romantic. But that will entail a lot of work and effort to make sure who you think you are talking to are who they present themselves as. It will involve video calls, doing something like watching a movie weekly; little things where you can see the cracks form. Learning how the other ticks, not a facade.

What I'm not keen on is his instant like of you and heavy pursuit. For most people in an online space it takes a few months of interacting and conversation to get to start knowing someone. Let alone get infatuated with someone. This sort of para social type of bonding is common in with say an "influencer" and a member of their audience.

The big thing is to not be swayed by sweet meaningless words, keep your boundaries, and slow down the pacing.

On the keep it local note, there's a lot of pluses for sticking locally. But if you don't click with that culture, sometimes it's more depressing than not. Now that's not to say get wrapped up in someone online because they are convenient and ignore the local options.

 

 

[kim42]

I know people who met their partner online but tgexquestion is if you are planning to meet in real life at some point. How far do you live from each otger?

If the distance is too big, maybe it's better to stop or at least limit the conversation.

[smackie9]

22 year olds in uni have the attention span of an nat. You were fun and interesting.......squirrel!

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, lenaaa said:

He is a very closed off person, even if he has always been emotionally available to me.

You should look into why you've either sought out or accepted long distance romance versus dating locally. Sometimes people who put up emotional barriers for whatever reason feel too vulnerable and lack the resiliency to deal with the reality that involves a local connection. Sometimes a computer is the perfect barrier for a person far away, knowing that a local romantic interest would see all the secrets/flaws and would immediately exit. It will take longer to suss out the reality of who a LD person is, and so the person can at least have temporary attention and might even keep making excuses for not physically seeing each other when these planned dates are supposed to happen.

7 hours ago, lenaaa said:

I have a problem with attachment,

Work on this BEFORE you date. It usually means that you have a fulfilling life solo full of friendships, hobbies, a passion for your career, etc. College is when people are meeting numerous people on campus. Have you not found any dating opportunities with classmates. If not, why not? I know when I was in college, I talked to guy in class and in the ski club I belonged to, and went to parties given by classmates. I was shy, so if you are too, it's no excuse if you're not socializing in college. Challenging yourself by practicing social skills, if you're lacking in that area, can be really beneficial.

One last thing. I did OLD years ago, and 9 out of 10 times on a first meet, one or both of us didn't feel the chemistry, even though we'd obviously liked each other's photos and brief chats before meeting. I had a rule that if we couldn't meet within 2 weeks, I wasn't wasting my time. You are putting yourself on ice for too long for an unknown, even as you're convincing yourself you're falling for a stranger. When you're investing all your extra time and energy into a stranger, a perfectly wonderful local dating prospect could be passing you by. 

[TeeDee]

You are investing way too much in a stranger you have never met.  Nothing about this is genuine until you meet in person.  You both think you like the person you think the other one is but you don't actually know the other person 

When you say he's in another city do you mean the next town over, under an hour away or is this somebody on the other side of the planet?  

You are not investing anything by continuing to chat. Continue to talk but keep your emotions out of it for now.   Just don't put all your eggs in his basket.  If you can manage to meet in person then you can assess whether you have something 

[ShySoul]

Why is there a need to decide one way or the other? Why analyze and try to figure it all out now? Why not enjoy each other's company and take this as it comes? If you enjoy talking with each other and seem to have much in common, then keep talking. No harm comes from chatting. If it's more then an initial infatuation, then you will both stick around and have your answer. If it fizzels out, then you have your answer. Either way, it will work itself out when the time is right. Until then, have fun with it. Enjoy being around someone that seems to make you happy. Don't worry about the doubts and fears. Relax. Trust your feelings/gut and you will know what to do.

Take it slow. That should help your issue. Be honest with him that you cautious and don't want to invest until you are sure this is real and will last more then a couple of months. If it is real for him, he will give you the time and space you need. And that time can help you feel safer in opening up. But also realize that there are no guarantees. Two people could start a relationship online after a week of chatting and be together for years. Two people could wait months to get together and it fade aways shortly after. You never know. So do what you are comfortable with. Be as cautious as you want, but also be careful not to lose sight of cherishing the moments as they happen.

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Two people could start a relationship online after a week of chatting and be together for years. Two people could wait months to get together and it fade aways shortly after. You never know. So do what you are comfortable with. Be as cautious as you want, but also be careful not to lose sight of cherishing the moments as they happen.

^^Absolutely!  SS entire post actually.   This is the right attitude imo especially when meeting and chatting on line. 

Enjoy the chat, enjoy the process of getting to know.  Try to not freak out if there's a slight shift in pattern; when you're secure and grounded within, comfort comes from knowing you will be OK no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome.

Learn to become outcome independent, keep expectations low and simply enjoy the journey whatever it takes you.  One step at a time, one day at a time. 

Once you meet in person (IF you meet), then you can start hassling each other. Lol - kidding!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

42 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Learn to become outcome independent, keep expectations low and simply enjoy the journey whatever it takes you.  One step at a time, one day at a time. 

It's the journey, not the destination. All the bumps in the road just make for a more interesting story when you finally get to the off ramp. Just hope one day to actually find the right exit instead of driving around in circles. 😒

Take things as they come and enjoy the ride.