Is there really such thing as too much sex?

[hannarivers]

I had a thought train today which I wanted to talk to my partner about. Later I realized that when I tease him after shower or by getting dressed seductively, he is less likely to get a hard on than if I touched him, which only takes like 5 seconds and it doesnt matter where I touch him. My first thought immediately took me to the fact of his past porn habits, but more than a year passed since he used it so recklessly, so I decided it is not the case.

So I decided to talk to him. He explained to me that he has one thing encoded in his brain : if we dont have sex at the moment, we will be having it a few hours later. The maximum days we leave out is about 3, but that only happens like once a month. He told me that since we are intimate almost every day, the sight is usual to him and getting turned on just by it is a longer proccess, it takes him the thought of sex, because if he just looks at me, he simply admires my beauty. Also mentioned that he enjoys sex the same way, it is exciting as always ,but if I want him to get hard just by looking at me, I have to starve him a little because he is content and well fed.

I never knew that this existed. I wanted to chat about it a bit more, but he had work to do. Can anybody enlighten me a bit more ?

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I tease him after shower or by getting dressed seductively, he is less likely to get a hard on than if I touched him, which only takes like 5 seconds 

He seems to respond to tactile stimulation better than talk.Men have refractory periods Please try to be more confident and enjoy each other. Is this the same man?

 

[ShySoul]

Think about it like this. If you had pizza every night for a week, by the end of that week that pizza wouldn't seem as appetizing. It might still taste wonderful and you might still enjoy it, but you wouldn't be as excitied for it. On the other hand, if it's been two months since you had a pizza from your favorite place, you may be salivating in anticpation, remembering just how much you enjoy it. 

When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, every person is different and every relationship is different. Each person will have their own tastes and preferences. Part of the fun is discovering what works for the two of you. It's discovering each others centers of pleasure and finding the best ways to maximize the enjoyment the other side receives. And that doesn't have to just involve sex or something physcial. If the anticpation is that there will always be sex, the body might become used to it. Sometimes it can be useful to remember that the mind and heart are also erogenous zone.

[hannarivers]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems to respond to tactile stimulation better than talk.Men have refractory periods Please try to be more confident and enjoy each other. Is this the same man?

 

Yes, he is! To your previous comment, I found him talking to my mom about engagement, so Im happily announcing that the 'he wont marry because of already living together ' statement was a false prediction. He became really serious nowadays, he is trying so hard. This is kind of the main reason I make such a big fuss about intimacy, because I want to make sure that he really is attracted to me and he doesnt marry someone whom he doesnt find pleasure in. Im sure in his love for me, and Im sure he enjoys sexual activities with me, Im just not so sure about this visual part. I remember a year ago posting about past porn use, and even though we are over the hard times, sometimes I wonder - if he could enjoy visual stimuli (porn), should he not get turned on every time he sees me being visually pleasing?

 

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think about it like this. If you had pizza every night for a week, by the end of that week that pizza wouldn't seem as appetizing. It might still taste wonderful and you might still enjoy it, but you wouldn't be as excitied for it. On the other hand, if it's been two months since you had a pizza from your favorite place, you may be salivating in anticpation, remembering just how much you enjoy it. 

When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, every person is different and every relationship is different. Each person will have their own tastes and preferences. Part of the fun is discovering what works for the two of you. It's discovering each others centers of pleasure and finding the best ways to maximize the enjoyment the other side receives. And that doesn't have to just involve sex or something physcial. If the anticpation is that there will always be sex, the body might become used to it. Sometimes it can be useful to remember that the mind and heart are also erogenous zone.

Ooh,thats nice. I mean your example,I can understand it. I thought it has something to do with attraction, I didn't realize that people can 'get used to ' the view of the other's body. Thank you!

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

because I want to make sure that he really is attracted to me and he doesnt marry someone whom he doesnt find pleasure in. Im sure in his love for me, and Im sure he enjoys sexual activities with me, Im just not so sure about this visual part.

Do you truly believe he would marry you if he didn't feel sexually attracted? Why does he have to respond the way you believe he should -specifically? You're treating him like some sort of object of a science experiment.  Also who cares if he has an erection? Don't you enjoy being affectionate, sexual, touching, kissing whether or not his penis is hard? Do you truly believe if it's not it means he's not attracted to you or your looks?

You can't "make sure" as you put it - marriage is a leap of faith and is based on trusting that the other person is marrying you for all the right reasons.  Do you trust him? Seems to me you don't so you keep  testing and experimenting - that's gonna get old and annoying fast especially the sorts of questions you're asking - sex should be fun/enjoyable and if you keep up with this approach -it won't be for him -he'll feel like he's under a microscope (because he kind of is).  

Who cares if he desires you because of what you look like at that moment, because of some image in his head of what you looked like two years ago, or not at all because of what you look like - he simply feels like having sex or being sexual with you.  

[Capricorn3]

OP, be very careful not to shoot yourself in the foot here.  Don't smother. It eventually backfires.

I agree 100% with Batya's post above.  Please read it and take note.

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you truly believe he would marry you if he didn't feel sexually attracted? Why does he have to respond the way you believe he should -specifically? You're treating him like some sort of object of a science experiment.  Also who cares if he has an erection? Don't you enjoy being affectionate, sexual, touching, kissing whether or not his penis is hard? Do you truly believe if it's not it means he's not attracted to you or your looks?

You can't "make sure" as you put it - marriage is a leap of faith and is based on trusting that the other person is marrying you for all the right reasons.  Do you trust him? Seems to me you don't so you keep  testing and experimenting - that's gonna get old and annoying fast especially the sorts of questions you're asking - sex should be fun/enjoyable and if you keep up with this approach -it won't be for him -he'll feel like he's under a microscope (because he kind of is).  

Who cares if he desires you because of what you look like at that moment, because of some image in his head of what you looked like two years ago, or not at all because of what you look like - he simply feels like having sex or being sexual with you.  

I see what you mean but you got the wrong impression, I am not testing him or the relationship in any way and I truly mean that.

I want to tell an example that happened a week ago. I was really feeling myself that day, I looked pretty good and I spent a good amount of time putting up an act for him that I know he used to find sexy. Nothing came out of it. A quick "I see you there". Later that day I felt like a lovebomb, kissing his all over his face,making cute comments and just hugging him lovingly. He got excited. I just couldnt understand, when I was in his fav lingerie, it had no effect, but when I was in an ugly shirt with messy hair, just acting cute, he got excited. My mind went to a week before that, were listening to a podcast and the topic of porn came up. We started talking and he explained that he has to touch himself to make it work, even with porn, it doesnt just do it by itself. I didn't question him, I didn't nag him, but I had a feeling he just said it to make me feel good (that porn is not so powerful). I could not understand the fact that porn is a visual stimuli, and that does the job, but when I do the same, it doesnt always work like that, BUT my touch works always without exception. That is what I meant by attraction. Liking porn in the past means that he likes visual stuff, but with me, it is the sense of touch that works?

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

I spent a good amount of time putting up an act for him that I know he used to find sexy. Nothing came out of it. A quick "I see you there". Later that day I felt like a lovebomb, kissing his all over his face,making cute comments and just hugging him lovingly. He got excited. I just couldnt understand, when I was in his fav lingerie, it had no effect, but when I was in an ugly shirt with messy hair, just acting cute, he got excited. My mind went to a week before that, were listening to a podcast and the topic of porn came up. We started talking and he explained that he has to touch himself to make it work, even with porn, it doesnt just do it by itself. I didn't question him, I didn't nag him, but I had a feeling he just said it to make me feel good (that porn is not so powerful). I could not understand the fact that porn is a visual stimuli, and that does the job, but when I do the same, it doesnt always work like that, BUT my touch works always without exception. That is what I meant by attraction. Liking porn in the past means that he likes visual stuff, but with me, it is the sense of touch that works?

That's testing him - every single thing you wrote.  I am baffled as to why you go to these lengths -is it because of the past porn use so you feel almost obsessive about checking how attracted he is? It's not normal what you're doing IMHO.  He's a human being for goodness sake.  Not a robot and different things arouse different people at different times.  You're wrong that liking porn means he likes visual stuff with you as some sort of rule.  No it doesn't.  Porn is visual - he gets turned on by porn.  With you he might or might not.  People are varied, people change and evolve.  All you need to know -do you trust that he is sexually attracted to you and wants a romantic relationship with you? If yes that's the end of it. 

If in the future he stops wanting to have sex with you as often AND it bothers you there are ways to address it -it may have to do with a medical or mental health or fatigue issue, might have to do with libido changes whatever but that's not happening now. He says he is sexually attracted to you so end it there. 

If you are still focused on his sexual excitement from porn and that is not ok with you or you're bizarrely trying to compete -which is how it comes across - then don't marry him cause you don't trust him enough and you're going to drive him away and squelch his sexual desire quite fast IMO.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I never knew that this existed. I wanted to chat about it a bit more, but he had work to do. Can anybody enlighten me a bit more ?

It's simple.  People get accustomed to seeing each other naked.  Men are in the room while their partners are giving birth.   Couples change clothes in front of each other and have conversations in the midst of it all the time.  None of these things necessarily need to lead to a boner or mean that "the thrill is gone."  

It's just that we are all inhabiting our bodies ALL THE TIME, so a body does not need to signify sex ALL THE TIME.

You are way preoccupied this type of thing - your boyfriend's sexual response to you. He is always having to answer for or defend his sexuality with you.    I am frankly shocked that your relationship survives it.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You are way preoccupied this type of thing - your boyfriend's sexual response to you. He is always having to answer for or defend his sexuality with you.    I am frankly shocked that your relationship survives it.

Same - with all respect your post OP gives me the creep factor.  It's cringey.  I think a therapist and -I'm not a health care provider -but sounds like some sort of cognitive therapy(I'll let others who know more respond) might be just the thing.  Your thinking -your analysis -your reaction to your feelings -are - really really odd and worrisome.  This is beyond "everyone is different" - what you write has nothing to do with a healthy normal sex life or a healthy normal romantic relationship that is committed and monogamous. 

Maybe if you were a paid escort and trying to get more customers/get more repeat business this sort of technical approach might work from a business sense or if you had a sexual arrangement that involved specific role play/fetishes then I could see getting this technical because without the role play/fetish there would be no point in meeting but wow I'm grasping at straws to see in what alternative universe your approach has anything to do with healthy sexual or romantic or even human interaction.  Please get help if you want to be in a long term healthy relationship. 

[Jaunty]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

Maybe if you were a paid escort and trying to get more customers/get more repeat business this sort of technical approach might work from a business sense or if you had a sexual arrangement that involved specific role play/fetishes then I could see getting this technical because without the role play/fetish there would be no point in meeting but wow I'm grasping at straws to see in what alternative universe your approach has anything to do with healthy sexual or romantic or even human interaction. 

You are.  

It's not okay for a person to be basically forbidden from having the sexual responses that they naturally are having.  Or to have to answer for their sexual responses.

As long as the people involved are sexually compatible and each is interested in pleasing the other, it's all good.

OP - it would be completely appropriate for you to be interested in pleasing your partner with touch since you've learned that this is how he gets aroused.

Instead, you're preoccupied with how to somehow "make" him respond sexually to the sight of your body ... on demand. 

It's actually painful to even think about this and I wonder why this guy is humoring you the way he does.  Is he a very lonely person who would be afraid to stand up for himself for fear that you'd leave him? 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

That is what I meant by attraction. Liking porn in the past means that he likes visual stuff

Maybe all the torment / guilt / "reprogramming" he endured because he was visually stimulated by porn images succeeded him it shutting down his ability to even be turned on via his sense of sight.   Now he's a changed man.

[MissCanuck]

Be careful not to use your sexuality as a means of soothing your own insecurity that he is not attracted to you. 

 

[hannarivers]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's testing him - every single thing you wrote.  I am baffled as to why you go to these lengths -is it because of the past porn use so you feel almost obsessive about checking how attracted he is? It's not normal what you're doing IMHO.  He's a human being for goodness sake.  Not a robot and different things arouse different people at different times.  You're wrong that liking porn means he likes visual stuff with you as some sort of rule.  No it doesn't.  Porn is visual - he gets turned on by porn.  With you he might or might not.  People are varied, people change and evolve.  All you need to know -do you trust that he is sexually attracted to you and wants a romantic relationship with you? If yes that's the end of it. 

If in the future he stops wanting to have sex with you as often AND it bothers you there are ways to address it -it may have to do with a medical or mental health or fatigue issue, might have to do with libido changes whatever but that's not happening now. He says he is sexually attracted to you so end it there. 

If you are still focused on his sexual excitement from porn and that is not ok with you or you're bizarrely trying to compete -which is how it comes across - then don't marry him cause you don't trust him enough and you're going to drive him away and squelch his sexual desire quite fast IMO.

I dont know where you get your rage from,because it is certainly not from my response. I dont even know how you mistake (maybe you do it on purpose) 'putting up an act because I know he likes it' with 'oh Im gonna test him because now I look good'. Did it cross your mind that people do actually seduce their partner for the sake of....seducing their partner instead of testing them? I simply just cant react to the things you wrote because you keep on saying something that is not true 😕

I thought it was pretty obvious what I said. I do seduce him all the time, because it is fun, we are young, in love, etc. While doing so, I noticed what I wrote in the original post. That is it.

 

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It's simple.  People get accustomed to seeing each other naked.  Men are in the room while their partners are giving birth.   Couples change clothes in front of each other and have conversations in the midst of it all the time.  None of these things necessarily need to lead to a boner or mean that "the thrill is gone."  

It's just that we are all inhabiting our bodies ALL THE TIME, so a body does not need to signify sex ALL THE TIME.

You are way preoccupied this type of thing - your boyfriend's sexual response to you. He is always having to answer for or defend his sexuality with you.    I am frankly shocked that your relationship survives it.

Thank you, you put it in a way that I do understand!

 

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

would be completely appropriate for you to be interested in pleasing your partner with touch since you've learned that this is how he gets aroused.

Instead, you're preoccupied with how to somehow "make" him respond sexually to the sight of your body ... on demand. 

But it happens for obvious reasons. More than a year ago, I realized that he watched so much porn, for about 10 years. And since we had honest conversations about it, in conclusion -> he used to choose porn by the visuals of the actresses and the quality of the video. Basically it programmed my brain to think that he is turned on by visual stimuli, which leads to me not understanding why visual stimuli I make does not work most of the time, instead a loving kiss on his face does. This is all I talked about, no testing, nagging, etc

[mylolita]

Hi OP!

 

Porn is often naughty, cheeky, dirty, “nasty”, kinky and also has the added element still to this day of “forbidden”. It all adds to the easy access and excitement of it. 
 

Compared to you, and how he loves you, it’s not the same. 
 

Sex and arousal comes in so many different forms. One day, we might gravitate towards loving, deep, intimidate and meaningful “romantic” sex. Other days, we feel naughty and maybe indulge in fantasy, kinks? Some days it’s a quickie. Other days we plan some form of seduction like a date night or an evening in lingerie and a lap dance etc. It all depends. People vary so much, and so much contributes to people’s libido. Their health, their financial situations, how tired they are, how good the relationship is in that moment and time, how the trust is, how much free time a couple has! The age of the couple! It all plays into it.

 

Being sexually compatible and having great honest communication is the key here. If you are both on the exact same wave length sexually, and know each other well, in and out the bedroom, you can’t go far wrong. I feel there is an element of doubt or curiosity with you where you’re not quite sure how your man is feeling, or why he responds the way he does?

 

If it is really causing your brain to go in circles, I would simply just ask him! Ask him what he likes! You probably already know really! 
 

Your sex life sounds good! I do agree that the porn is just not a great thing for most men. Most men have one shot each day (ahem!) and when that’s done they are subdued and the chase desire in them dwindles. Some men can easily get habitual or addicted to porn as well. You do not want that. Bit of naughty film now and then isn’t a concern. You could also watch it together as a couple now and then - great way to search and explore what you both might not have heard from each other (likes, dislikes).

 

All the best, try not over think it

 

x

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I dont know where you get your rage from,because it is certainly not from my response. I dont even know how you mistake (maybe you do it on purpose) 'putting up an act because I know he likes it' with 'oh Im gonna test him because now I look good'. Did it cross your mind that people do actually seduce their partner for the sake of....seducing their partner instead of testing them? I simply just cant react to the things you wrote because you keep on saying something that is not true 😕

I thought it was pretty obvious what I said. I do seduce him all the time, because it is fun, we are young, in love, etc. While doing so, I noticed what I wrote in the original post. That is it.

 

Thank you, you put it in a way that I do understand!

 

But it happens for obvious reasons. More than a year ago, I realized that he watched so much porn, for about 10 years. And since we had honest conversations about it, in conclusion -> he used to choose porn by the visuals of the actresses and the quality of the video. Basically it programmed my brain to think that he is turned on by visual stimuli, which leads to me not understanding why visual stimuli I make does not work most of the time, instead a loving kiss on his face does. This is all I talked about, no testing, nagging, etc

No rage. I feel sorry for you -your perceptions and reactions on this subject, feel sorry for your partner unless for some reason your approach is a turn on? Or like Jaunty wrote -and I hope you get the help you need -IMHO! No rage at all - you're not hurting him at this point or abusing him at this point and if he is a reasonably stable adult he can decide how much he wishes to tolerate.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Basically it programmed my brain to think that he is turned on by visual stimuli, which leads to me not understanding why visual stimuli I make does not work most of the time, instead a loving kiss on his face does. This is all I talked about, no testing, nagging, etc

No you choose your reactions and one of them is you don't trust him in this area -you don't trust he is sufficiently sexually attracted such that he will always choose you over porn.  And other major trust issues.  No reprogramming -you are choosing to react to your insecurities by testing, experimenting, questioning him beyond (IMO!) appropriate healthy interactions in a relationship.

[boltnrun]

You don't get to decide what arouses him and what doesn't. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, hannarivers said:

...he used to choose porn by the visuals of the actresses and the quality of the video.

Well, maybe he chose you based on visual attraction and the quality of the person?

Quote

...it programmed my brain to think that he is turned on by visual stimuli, which leads to me not understanding why visual stimuli I make does not work most of the time,

You don't think there was any manual stimulation involved when he watched the porn?

If your partner starts to feel like he's offending you whenever he wants to relax around your home instead of being quizzed every time he doesn't pop a boner on cue, you're creating a discomfort and disharmony in your relationship that can work against you. I'd quit doing that.

You keep repeating yourself. We get WHY you've asked, but other than trolling to keep this thread going, I don't understand why you're pretending to be too dense to understand the responses.

[bluecastle]

18 hours ago, hannarivers said:

This is kind of the main reason I make such a big fuss about intimacy, because I want to make sure that he really is attracted to me and he doesnt marry someone whom he doesnt find pleasure in.

I think a more honest translation of the above would be:

”The main reason I make a big fuss about intimacy is because I am very insecure, fret constantly about my own looks and hotness, and I need constant reassurance from him that I am fuego.”

And if you can own that? You can change the whole narrative here, find a kind of power, become less obsessed with using sex and erections as barometers for your own self worth. Without owning that, however, you’re just going to keep spinning around in this place, continuously looking for signs of his dissatisfaction because it feeds your own narrative about yourself. 

 

[Jaunty]

Seriously, @hannarivers - you've had several threads, all based on the same issues that you have with your self esteem and how you put that on your boyfriend.

There are a lot of different people here on this site; many of us have had and /or are currently in healthy successful relationships.

You would  be doing yourself a favor if you'd put your hungry ego, erroneous self talk and controlling tendencies to the side and TRY to understand what these people are telling you.

 

[bluecastle]

19 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Also mentioned that he enjoys sex the same way, it is exciting as always ,but if I want him to get hard just by looking at me, I have to starve him a little because he is content and well fed.

And about this? A more honest translation from him, I think, would be: 

“Babe, I’m running out of ways to assure you I’m super duper into you. I stopped looking at porn and completely absorbed your narrative of shame, convincing myself I had a problem. I have sex with you all the time and talked to your mom about marriage. If that’s still not enough I don’t know what to do. Maybe try punishing me or withholding or…something…and see if that makes you feel better.”

Big picture: everyone is different when it comes to all this. Not just that. Everyone exists in a glorious state of flux and evolution. One month they’re super randy, another they’re not. One week lingerie boils the blood, the next it’s sweatpants. This variation and mystery is the best part of it all, though the key to accessing that door is self-assurance. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

This variation and mystery is the best part of it all, though the key to accessing that door is self-assurance.

For example -he might find many women more attractive than you - he may get more turned on by certain women than you.  He may feel more intensely aroused by looking at porn than by looking at you.  But he only wants to make love -to you.  He reacts to these other women by choosing not to follow his erection to having sex with any of them because he wants you and has chosen to be committed to you.  I personally would hate if my husband ever said to me that he was more sexually aroused by [fill in name or whoever] than by me -that would be mean/tacky/heartless but if I thought he might be -I'd feel fine about it cause he's my husband and we've been committed and or married since 2005. 

If you believe he simply blindly follows his erection and if he ever feels more attracted to another woman he will have sex with her or leave you for her - don't marry him.  

Oh and I would never ever ask him and if I did he'd look at me like I had two heads - and ask me why in the world was I asking such a thing??

[hannarivers]

I want to reply to everyone with just one comment instead of making 10.

Insecurity. You can say that I am insecure, but not in the way you say it. If I watch myself as an individual being, without a partner, I love myself. I look in the mirror and I do actually think I look more than good. But when I think of my partner - the question in my mind doesnt go like this -> Am I really attractive if he....    Instead, it goes like this -> I am attractive, can it be that he doesnt see me the same way as I see myself in the mirror? I am not insecure as an individual woman, I am insecure as a woman who is the partner of a man. I think I did explain it somewhere else. I was reassured my whole life that I am above average. So much that people didn't even care about my personality, basically treating me as a shiny object. It is kind of sad actually. Sometimes I even hated that I looked good because I never knew if guys liked me for me, or if girls hated me just because they were insecure in my presence. All my life I just craved real friends and people to like me for me. So no, I am not insecure like that. However, going through this and now seeing that my boyfriend is not all about my looks - the only person that I actually want to drool over me instead of all those creepy men yelling after me and following me - makes me insecure that he is indeed damaged from porn or simply not into my looks, even though I know that he chose me in the past because he found me pretty. Thats it, I cant stretch this longer.

Controlling. I dont know what to say about that. Controlling needs action. I dont do anything regarding this topic to or with him. I dont interrogate him. Mentioning something once doesnt make it interrogating. I dont go and ask him every time I show him my assets, why dont you get a boner babe? I dont even ask him about porn. A year ago we sat down and compromised that we are doing the no porn period together and if any of us wants to quit, we would just be honest, and move on just like before. Maybe controlling is different for everybody, but for me, a guy who is not questioned, not demanded to act in any way, not frowned upon for acting different from the liked behaviour, he is not controlled in any way. I have been talking to you guys way longer that to him. We have about once a month check ins, he tells me the things he would like to compromise on, and vice versa. 

Deciding on what arouses him. I dont. And I didn't say I did or wanted to. I said that I dont understand how this works. If I like pizza, I would be happy if I could eat pizza. If he finds p0rn working because it is visually stimulating, then I would assume he likes to watch real women because that should be visually stimulating the same way , since women on screen = women in real life. He said its the sex that is exciting in p0rn and not just the naked women in itself, but then he wouldnt have had preferences I guess. 

Im fine with being called delusional, but I dont really like being called controlling, because I literally do nothing to this man, I rather let it eat me inside instead of talking to him about it outside of that monthly talk we have

 

[boltnrun]

Why can't you just be happy he loves you and is attracted to you?

Why are you creating all this chaos inside your mind?

If you're looking for a way out of this relationship all you need to do is tell him it's not working out and you're ending the relationship. No need to go through all this mental rigmarole.

And if you love him and want to stay in the relationship, then work with a therapist to stop all these obsessive looping repetitive thoughts.