Is there really such thing as too much sex?

[yogacat]

I think you're so afraid and worried because of your partner's past use of porn that you're trying so hard to be perfectly captivating at all times that you can't just relax and be yourself. Your partner's mind is fine, it has enough variety in it to be healthy and versatile in its actions. More specifically, he is just trying to communicate to you that his arousal patterns are not always the same and that it's normal for them to fluctuate depending on the situation. In other words, just because he doesn't get an instant hard-on from seeing you doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or that there's something wrong.

The message your partner was saying is spot on: it turned him on in a matter of a few seconds which led to intimacy with you a few hours later. It sounds romantic to me. He gets to be with you later in the evening and you two get to share something intimate. From what I am reading, this only adds more positive emotions between you two.

The takeaway from all this? Don't ever worry about being entirely captivating all the time. It only stresses you out and in turn, causes momentary rifts between you two.

[Batya33]

Your focus on your looks -what you see in the mirror -being labeled "above average" -the extent of your focus is really worrisome and I think it's because of what Yogacat wrote above -your need to be captivating and particularly your face and body/private parts.

For sure - not me - but there are people who are happy together in large part because they wanted arm candy primarily, because their arousal and desire depends mostly on looks - and they are happy together that way.  Not for me to judge.  The problem is you're making that huge assumption that just because he likes watching porn -and used to love watching it all the time basically - that he is a person who is with you primarily because of your looks.  That he is aroused mostly by looks.  I think you make that assumption partly or even all because of what Yogacat and others expressed above.  I think given how focused you are on this - you should get help.

Also yes it's controlling to test him in this way and monitor him in this way and comment as you do. IMO.  Maybe he gets turned on by being controlled.

I dated a man for 5 months and I would try not to let him see me with messy hair (my hair gets frizzy if there's even a prediction of rain or humidity lol) - or without makeup. Man was it exhausting and so unhealthy psychologically.  I was triggered because he was a reformed player, and would make comments that suggested to me an inordinate focus on women's looks.

Like someone else said - our partners might see us in labor/give birth.  Our partners might see us with disgusting gross colds when we run out of tissues.  Some of those partners will want us more than ever at those moments (ok maybe not the latter example)  and some will not be aroused at all but it's no biggie. Or you can get all dolled up in that precise outfit that turned him on two weeks ago and no reaction.  Cause we're human.

I like pizza a lot.  And I love chocolate.  And ice cream.  But if you offered me the most awesome dark chocolate I love and I was either full or very hungry for a meal as opposed to dessert I'd not desire it -I might take a rain check but I wouldn't desire it.  Nice try with your analogy and I don't think it works that way.

The way it works (ok as I have to say -with rare exception!) - if you want to marry or be with someone in a romantic relationship that's committed and long term you have to either trust them or not in every way - reasonably so but basic, strong trust.  Including that they want to be in a romantic relationship with you whatever that looks like.  And if you do it would never occur to you on any regular basis -and not in any obsessive way which is the impression you give - to perform these experiments, tests, to even analyze why "if I do this/he should do that and if not then why since he got hard the last time I did that -what's going on??" - with rare exceptions things would just -flow - feel fine/good/amazing depending on the day. 

But -flow.  And ebb without all this drama you create in your head. 

Your approach sounds exhausting and likely will trigger wrinkles and gray hair - talk about self-sabotage!    

[mylolita]

OP,

 

I understand you have said or maybe hinted that you don’t talk to your partner about sex or porn? 
 

I think actually, if you were both in a cheeky mood and in a good place, asking him in a non judgemental way about what type of porn he watches, what turns him on; and anything he might like to try, would be a very good thing. A thing to explore?

 

Sometimes it takes the mystery out of it all as well. He may have searched in the past for something he might think you never would have considered. Or, likely, he’s just searching general porn for a quick easy fix. But it can open up a really big expansive convo when you do things like this and feel comfortable and un-pressured to discuss fantasies. Also might put your mind at ease as well? 
 

I’ve been with my husband 15 years but, I’ll always remember a few years into our relationship, we were just having a really intimidate moment, pillow talk basically after sex and he turned to me and said, “Have you got a fantasy you’ve never shared with me?” We ended up getting to know so much sexually about each other. I divulged something to him I’d never thought I’d had the guts to say. We never acted on it, my choice, and haven’t to this day. But I found out so much about him that night too. We were in such a good mood about each other, that really helped. 
 

I think couples simply need to talk more. About everything and anything, not just sex. If it comes from the right place and you’re both relaxed and not in a defensive spirit, only good can come out of it.

 

x

[Jaunty]

31 minutes ago, mylolita said:

OP,

 

I understand you have said or maybe hinted that you don’t talk to your partner about sex or porn? 
 

I think actually, if you were both in a cheeky mood and in a good place, asking him in a non judgemental way about what type of porn he watches, what turns him on; and anything he might like to try, would be a very good thing. A thing to explore?

Suggestion:  Look at the OP's posting history.  She has complete control over whether the guy ever looks at porn - I believe it has now landed where he can look at videos of the two of them having sex together only - and also when or how he masturbates (porn or no porn).  If he's in the bathroom too long ... trouble.

In general I agree with your post that couples should be open and talk with each other.  I also believe that people who are partnered up still are entitled to some kinds of privacy, and that being the "thought police" with ones partner is pretty much a death knell.   

 

 

 

[Andrina]

On 3/17/2024 at 4:59 PM, hannarivers said:

if we dont have sex at the moment, we will be having it a few hours later. The maximum days we leave out is about 3, but that only happens like once a month. He told me that since we are intimate almost every day, the sight is usual to him and getting turned on just by it is a longer proccess

Not that you have to match the norm of how many times a week you have sex for people your age and with how long you've been together. But can I ask why you feel the need to, when it seems he'd be quite okay with a bit less, like it'd make it more of a novelty if it weren't expected "within hours?"

I'm just guessing that you're competing with the porn he used to watch, trying to ensure that he's so filled to the brim with you that he has no need for masturbating while watching porn stars. Do you ever let him initiate, or do you do all or most of the initiation? If it's mostly you, maybe lessen your efforts and have a wait-and-see attitude to gauge how often he might seek you out for intimacy. Perhaps this sort of change will be beneficial for you both.

Of course sex is an important part of a couple's life, but with the amount you do this, which you imply it's usually 5 to 7 days per week, then doesn't that make less time for hanging out with friends/family, having hobbies, being too tired after work and just wanting to chill out by watching a favorite TV show? Physically connecting without sex like back rubs and foot rubs?

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I rather let it eat me inside instead of talking to him about it outside of that monthly talk we have

That statement is really disturbing. Why be in a relationship wherein you're being eaten up inside? You have to consider that either one or both of you are contributors to that dynamic. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Insecurity. You can say that I am insecure, but not in the way you say it. If I watch myself as an individual being, without a partner, I love myself. I look in the mirror and I do actually think I look more than good. But when I think of my partner - the question in my mind doesnt go like this -> Am I really attractive if he....    Instead, it goes like this -> I am attractive, can it be that he doesnt see me the same way as I see myself in the mirror? I am not insecure as an individual woman, I am insecure as a woman who is the partner of a man.

Of course.  Everyone here understands this.  It's a relationship forum and all your posts are clearly about your desperation to get control of your boyfriend's sexuality.

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

now seeing that my boyfriend is not all about my looks - the only person that I actually want to drool over me instead of all those creepy men yelling after me and following me - makes me insecure that he is indeed damaged from porn

YOU are the one who is worried  about whether he is drooling over your looks.  This doesn't mean that he is "damaged goods" for ANY reason.  This is a YOU problem, not a HIM problem.

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Controlling. I dont know what to say about that. Controlling needs action.

All your threads hinge on your need to control his sexuality including this one.   In this case, you're having a problem because he's not getting a boner from the sight of you.  In other threads it was because he masturbated by himself (I recall that you were lurking around the bathroom while he was inside) or looked at porn featuring a particular actress you found threatening.   

This is all about your need to CONTROL his inner sex life, including fantasies or finding other women attractive, and your desperation over being unable to achieve that control.

It's impossible.  Nobody can do it.  People who want to be in safe and healthy relationships don't even want to do it.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/17/2024 at 4:59 PM, hannarivers said:

Is there really such thing as too much sex?

No. But there is such a thing as obsessions and extreme preoccupation. Even your writing style goes on and on in convoluted,  contradictory tangents that almost borders on word salad.

So this isn't really about the frequency of sex at all. This is about obviously untreated obsessions, whether it's trying to control his sexuality or your own. 

[boltnrun]

I fantasize about a few TV and movie actors, all of whom are married. It doesn't mean I don't respect them or their wives or their marriages. It's just a fantasy. And I am 100% certain their wives are neither angry nor threatened by me or any other fans fantasizing about their husbands.

When I was married there was a woman who worked with my husband (who also happened to be married) who I felt was flirting blatantly with him in front of me AND her husband. I mentioned it to my husband but it was more of a funny thing than me feeling he might find her more attractive than me. I didn't immediately put on lingerie when we got home and then check him for an erection. It never would have occurred to me to do something like that.

Yes, it's your insecurity causing these totally made up issues. 

[Jaunty]

OP - it would be good for you to recognize that because you are experiencing something as a problem does not mean that there is inherently something wrong with that thing. 

Sometimes, what it means is that we need to take a hard look and do some work within ourselves.  The "problems" that consume you might disappear, if you'd focus within. 

 

[boltnrun]

The point I forgot to make when I mentioned fantasizing about actors is it didn't mean I didn't truly love the man I was in a relationship with, or that I didn't find him extremely attractive. In fact, my most recent ex and I had a very strong physical attraction to one another. But both of us still noticed other attractive humans. And our strong physical attraction to one another didn't mean either of us was obligated to immediately be ready for sex at all times when the other one was present (undressed, dressed in lingerie, or whatever). 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And our strong physical attraction to one another didn't mean either of us was obligated to immediately be ready for sex at all times when the other one was present (undressed, dressed in lingerie, or whatever). 

Maybe you needed to subject him to some further training.  

[MissCanuck]

Hannah: 

Being this insecure is an attraction-killer. So maybe you're right. Maybe he's not that into you anymore because you haven't been able to get a handle on yourself and your intrusive thoughts and the way you project it onto him. 

You're already manufacturing what you fear most. Don't you see that?

 

[hannarivers]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

But can I ask why you feel the need to, when it seems he'd be quite okay with a bit less

Because I became fond of it. Both mentally and physically. I feel emotionally closer to him and obviously the physical part is good, too. I dont know if he would be content with less, I remember him sending me a spicy text about him not being able to wait until after I finish work.

 

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

I think you're so afraid and worried because of your partner's past use of porn that you're trying so hard to be perfectly captivating at all times that you can't just relax and be yourself. Your partner's mind is fine, it has enough variety in it to be healthy and versatile in its actions. More specifically, he is just trying to communicate to you that his arousal patterns are not always the same and that it's normal for them to fluctuate depending on the situation. In other words, just because he doesn't get an instant hard-on from seeing you doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or that there's something wrong.

The message your partner was saying is spot on: it turned him on in a matter of a few seconds which led to intimacy with you a few hours later. It sounds romantic to me. He gets to be with you later in the evening and you two get to share something intimate. From what I am reading, this only adds more positive emotions between you two.

The takeaway from all this? Don't ever worry about being entirely captivating all the time. It only stresses you out and in turn, causes momentary rifts between you two.

You are spot on!

 

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I fantasize about a few TV and movie actors, all of whom are married. It doesn't mean I don't respect them or their wives or their marriages. It's just a fantasy. And I am 100% certain their wives are neither angry nor threatened by me or any other fans fantasizing about their husbands.

When I was married there was a woman who worked with my husband (who also happened to be married) who I felt was flirting blatantly with him in front of me AND her husband. I mentioned it to my husband but it was more of a funny thing than me feeling he might find her more attractive than me. I didn't immediately put on lingerie when we got home and then check him for an erection. It never would have occurred to me to do something like that.

Yes, it's your insecurity causing these totally made up issues. 

Thank you for sharing that

 

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

that because you are experiencing something as a problem does not mean that there is inherently something wrong with that thing. 

Its not that I expect it to be wrong, its pure logic - if you like porn you like visual stimuli, if you like visual stimuli you should like reál women since they are the same visual stimuli as porn? Its not an expectation. Its like saying you like watching horror movies in your bedroom then you probably like it in the living room too.

 

12 hours ago, mylolita said:

think actually, if you were both in a cheeky mood and in a good place, asking him in a non judgemental way about what type of porn he watches, what turns him on; and anything he might like to try, would be a very good thing. A thing to explore?

That happened and it was my nightmare. Porn with pretty pornstars. Thats it. Sometimes teen category because he preferred watching natural people instead of older, fake boob ones. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

if you like porn you like visual stimuli, if you like visual stimuli you should like reál women since they are the same visual stimuli as porn? Its not an expectation. Its like saying you like watching horror movies in your bedroom then you probably like it in the living room too.

 

No it doesn't work that way in a loving, romantic relationship that includes sex/making love/being sexual and you want the logic to work because of what I and Canuck and Jaunty have said but instead of soothing your fears (or confirming them) it leads you further down the rabbit hole.  Then you use it as an excuse to test him.

It's nice he sent  you a spicy  text it means at that moment he wanted to have sex with you most likely. But if a romantic committed relationship is healthy those texts are nice/perks/fun but most often not needed for reassuring if the foundation of your relationship is strong.

He might like watching teen porn in the future- but it doesn't mean you're not his choice to be in a committed romantic relationship with.  Whether separately that would be a dealbreaker for moral/ethical/Ick Factor reasons is -separate.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Because I became fond of it. Both mentally and physically. I feel emotionally closer to him and obviously the physical part is good, too. I dont know if he would be content with less, I remember him sending me a spicy text about him not being able to wait until after I finish work.

 

You are spot on!

 

Thank you for sharing that

 

Its not that I expect it to be wrong, its pure logic - if you like porn you like visual stimuli, if you like visual stimuli you should like reál women since they are the same visual stimuli as porn? Its not an expectation. Its like saying you like watching horror movies in your bedroom then you probably like it in the living room too.

 

That happened and it was my nightmare. Porn with pretty pornstars. Thats it. Sometimes teen category because he preferred watching natural people instead of older, fake boob ones. 

What are you planning to do to stop? Because what you're really doing is trying to pretzel yourself into constantly providing something for your partner that gives you a modicum of reassurance. You feel you haven't learned what it is yet, and feel that this person must be in possession of this particular secret, and that every word they utter must somehow contain the magical formula that will unlock it.

Now that's some scary co-dependence -- as well as some pretty serious suspense of one's own autonomy. Something that is so perfect that even he won't be able to see past the perfection to the real person. And the goal of being such an incredible person/mate is so that he appreciates you, while the paradox is that it's really just a veil to prevent him from seeing the real, flawed you. If he thinks you're not perfect anymore, then he doesn't love you anymore...

It's very hard to work on this just by yourself, it's all I'm saying.

In any event, it's you that I'm concerned about not him, his argument is almost irrelevant to where the fact that you are losing your personal power comes into play. This problem is really yours to solve.

[hannarivers]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No it doesn't work that way in a loving, romantic relationship that includes sex/making love/being sexual and you want the logic to w

Well now I know! Because I did not before. I didn't think I as a real woman worked any different when he looks at me from the women the looked at the screen.

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Whether separately that would be a dealbreaker for moral/ethical/Ick Factor reasons is -separate.

Do you mean porn in itself or the teen category? From a 35 year old man it would be an ick for me to know my man appreciates 18-23 year olds over his own age group, but he was 23 when he liked that kind of stuff, so I guess women between 18-23 that look like they are 17-23, it might be fine. Not the best for my teste, but I do actually trust him that he would never approach someone way too young, not just because he became mature enough to know what is right, but because he sees underage people as children. If you meant porn in general, I trust him that his taste matured the same way as his mentality, so he can decide which ones are ethical and which ones hurt someone. 

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

What are you planning to do to stop?

I dont know, let go? Maybe just not thinking about it at all

[Jaunty]

22 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I trust him that his taste matured the same way as his mentality, so he can decide which ones are ethical and which ones hurt someone. 

Is he now allowed to watch porn and be in charge of what porn, and when he is going to look at it?  I thought you were still on the "no porn" rule, unless it was a video of you two having sex with each other?  

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I dont know, let go? Maybe just not thinking about it at all

No, that won't work.  

It's unrealistic. It has nothing to do with approaching some perfect ideal as much as it has to do with you trying to appear as the perfect person to your partner. 

You twist yourself into this corner, where you basically live to please, and when you do please there is that fear that you will lose what you have. How do you expect to rid yourself of the problem without actually identifying what that is and solving it?  Magic?

And please, I don't want to come off as rude, but let go is exactly the opposite of what you're doing now and it's leading to more and more fear, which then leads to more and more of a desire to please and retain the love of this guy.

So now you're going to listen to what your partner said, right? It is very romantic, and he's essentially saying that the right time is very often when he admires your beauty and thinks about sex. And when he is so attracted to you he just goes with it.

Take a step back and enjoy the moment, without trying to constantly perform and be perfect for him. Remember that he loves you for who you are, flaws and all, and that's what makes your relationship special. It's not about being captivating or pleasing him, it's about finding joy in shared experiences without expecting your partner to want to have sex with you on demand. Who the heck wants that anyway? My past partners were always wanting to be physically intimate with me all the time and quite frankly, I found it quite needy and not sexy.

So, what I am trying to convey is that you need to not be scared of you any longer.

When he admires your beauty and takes notice -great ! Have that intimate experience when he is eager and engaging your emotions in an intimate way and do not get emotionally involved in what happens in 5 seconds.  Because if he wanted an intimate experience from you on demand and fast - he would own a blow up doll.  

[mylolita]

OP,

 

Just to add, when you said he searched young women - this is actually very normal, very vanilla, and very standard. And of course they are going to be attractive. This says and is no reflection on you I don’t think at all.

 

Unless his porn use is constant and it’s interrupting your sex life or how you feel about yourself or you both as a couple - watching porn now and then or weekly is normal for men and some women, by the way. 
 

I’m sorry your convo about it didn’t go very well but I also think this was probably because you were coming from a suspicious needing to know place and maybe not an open minded, explorative, saucy place! 
 

He’s not with anyone else and as far as I can tell from the posts it doesn’t sound like he’s watching porn all that much that you know of so, he’s with you OP and is talking about marrying you and is happy with your frequent sex life! I say, count your blessings this is good stuff! 
 

Comparison is the thief of happiness!

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

On 3/17/2024 at 4:10 PM, hannarivers said:

I looked pretty good and I spent a good amount of time putting up an act for him that I know he used to find sexy. Nothing came out of it. A quick "I see you there". Later that day I felt like a lovebomb, kissing his all over his face,making cute comments and just hugging him lovingly. He got excited. I just couldnt understand, when I was in his fav lingerie, it had no effect, but when I was in an ugly shirt with messy hair, just acting cute, he got excited.

Bolded, having been involved with men who were the exact same, I will tell you why.  Because when you dress up in sexy lingerie and put on a "sexy act" hoping to arouse him sexually, it all feels very forced, and as such he feels pressure to get aroused and "perform."  Typically it has the opposite effect just like it did with your boyfriend.

On the other hand, when you were simply hanging out, without forcing or pressuring him to become aroused and have sex, he felt relaxed and was able to get aroused and excited, naturally, on his own.

It's a mental thing and sex is very much a mental thing, just as much if not more than physical. 

There is a popular saying - "the largest sex organ in our body is the BRAIN."

This surprises people because they mistakenly assume it's their sexual organs but it's not, it's the brain!  

My advice is stop trying to force him to get aroused by prancing around in sexy lingerie or putting on a "act."  Be your natural self, allow him to become sexually aroused spontaneously and naturally on his own.

My ex often got turned on when he watched me doing the dishes!!  lol  He'd come up behind me and start lathering me up under my top with the suds from the sink.  I was doing NOTHING but doing the dishes in one of his big ole shirts!  Or in a pair of jeans and tee.  

Learn about men is my advice.  Learn what they respond to sexually (with you his girlfriend) and what they don't.  You might be surprised!

Re porn, it's what I said in your other thread.  It's a diversion, a distraction from the daily grind, the hum drum.  He does NOT want such women as his girlfriends, he does NOT want you to emulate them nor does he want you to look like them!!  

Please at least try to understand this, I think you will be a lot happier if you do, so will he!!

 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

When he admires your beauty and takes notice -great ! Have that intimate experience when he is eager and engaging your emotions in an intimate way and do not get emotionally involved in what happens in 5 seconds.  Because if he wanted an intimate experience from you on demand and fast - he would own a blow up doll.  

Or when he simply wants to make love to you -and with you -not because of your outer beauty or noticing anything about your face or body - just because he loves you. The best sex I had was when I was engaged and when we were committed and exclusive and in love - absolutely it's also great to have sex because you're desiring in a lustful way initially - but that's only one of infinite reasons when you are with the right person.  Obviously if you're not into it at the moment for whatever reason - not feeling attracted, not feeling well, not in the mood -upset with your partner - sex likely is not going to happen right then -but  you're assuming he has to feel an erection or aroused or see you in person and consider your beauty to want sex.  I think that's far too narrow a view and kind of sad to think that!

Edited to add -I wrote this before I read Lolita's post -I agree!