I (32F) cannot move past partner's (33M) lies. What would you do?

[Bolosk]

Last weekend I met my boyfriend's mother and she casually, jokingly told me about this one time she brought my boyfriend to a therapist to 'take the liar out of him' when he was a kid.

She clearly exacerbated the issue by pestering him constantly growing up, but this opened a can of worms for me. He does lie. Examples:

-He lied to me about his address when we first met. He then faked a house move when he was comfortable enough to invite me around instead of coming clean.

-He lied to me about his salary. Apparently to impress me early on. Think 5% difference so not a lot.

-He lied to me about his appearance. Sent me an old photo initially and told me he weighed way less than he does before we met.

-He was trying to sell an item. Got offered 10k less. Asked me what to do. As he needed a quick sale I told him to counter it to a price he's willing to take. Next day he said he never heard back from the buyer again. 2 days later his mother asked about it and he said he told them to get lost! (Lie by ommision?)

-He kept mentioning his ex from years ago and his most recent ex's best friend on separate occasions. I recently figured they were the same person!! When I confronted him about it he got all flustered.

-Kept moaning about his debt from our summer holidays so we didn't do anything since September. We spend weekends at home. Recently I found out he accrued the majority of it before we even met... He manipulates me with half truths as well.

These are the lies I caught in the last 18 months. Don't think he's cheated - yet! But it really bothers me.

I confronted him recently and he promised to never lie again, but his mother's story over the weekend made me think this habit goes way deeper than I can deal with.

Would you stick around or leg it?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Bolosk said:

-He lied to me about his address 

-He lied to me about his salary. 

-He lied to me about his appearance. 

These are the lies I caught in the last 18 months. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?  Have you been together 18 months or that is how long you know about the lies?

His lies seem quite elaborate and habitual, almost like pathological lying (google it). 

Do feel your relationship is a sham? How much do you actually know about him that's true? 

 

[Coily]

It's not a good look on him.

As to the address, I could see that being fine. There are creepy stalkers out there.

5% on the salary, not worth paying attention to. By itself.

Bad pictures, in isolation can be looked over. But still worth noting.

The sale, with the discrepancy between the stories and his mother's history... Why starting to get questions more and more.

Not sure what to make of the ex circus. 

Again in isolation none of these should really be an issue. However there are two factors here, his habitual lies and his pestering mother, and this doesn't add up well.

I think you need to look at why he lies about what he does. Is it to save face? Avoid conflict? To impress others?

Has he made any good faith effort to improve himself for himself? Or just go through the motions to get others off his back?

How has he been aside from these known lies? 

I don't personally like what he's doing, but it's what you're comfortable with handling. It's all or nothing.

[TeeDee]

I don't think I'd stay.   Being able trust somebody is a core value to me.  I couldn't trust a habitual liar, who lies even when he doesn't have to.  

[Bolosk]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?  Have you been together 18 months or that is how long you know about the lies?

His lies seem quite elaborate and habitual, almost like pathological lying (google it). 

Do feel your relationship is a sham? How much do you actually know about him that's true? 

 

We don't live together, although we have plans for upcoming months. That's why it's really important for me to figure out whether to stay before further enmeshment.

 

We've been together for 18 months and I became aware of the lies pretty immediately as some of them were, you know, easily provable otherwise!

 

It does worry me that he is indeed a pathological liar. He doesn't have many friends so not sure how much of the version he presented to me is true.

[Bolosk]

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

It's not a good look on him.

As to the address, I could see that being fine. There are creepy stalkers out there.

5% on the salary, not worth paying attention to. By itself.

Bad pictures, in isolation can be looked over. But still worth noting.

The sale, with the discrepancy between the stories and his mother's history... Why starting to get questions more and more.

Not sure what to make of the ex circus. 

Again in isolation none of these should really be an issue. However there are two factors here, his habitual lies and his pestering mother, and this doesn't add up well.

I think you need to look at why he lies about what he does. Is it to save face? Avoid conflict? To impress others?

Has he made any good faith effort to improve himself for himself? Or just go through the motions to get others off his back?

How has he been aside from these known lies? 

I don't personally like what he's doing, but it's what you're comfortable with handling. It's all or nothing.

He never came clean before. I always had to confront him. He said that growing up he was afraid of his mother lashing out so he avoids conflict by lying. Think he also doesn't have a healthy selt esteem so he lies to impress/make himself look better.

[Bolosk]

5 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I don't think I'd stay.   Being able trust somebody is a core value to me.  I couldn't trust a habitual liar, who lies even when he doesn't have to.  

Yes, what if there's more to these inconsequential lies? I suspect there might be.

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Bolosk said:

He never came clean before. I always had to confront him. He said that growing up he was afraid of his mother lashing out so he avoids conflict by lying. Think he also doesn't have a healthy selt esteem so he lies to impress/make himself look better.

That makes a lot of sense why he habitually lies. Does he live with his mother currently?

[Bolosk]

Just now, Coily said:

That makes a lot of sense why he habitually lies. Does he live with his mother currently?

No, he lives on his own.

[Coily]

Just now, Bolosk said:

No, he lives on his own.

Yikes, that doesn't paint him in a favorable light.

Out side of his lies, how is he towards you? Clearly you are deeply bothered by this, but he may have redeeming qualities too. Do those balance out these problems? Or is the spreadsheet at zero?

Enough people will soapbox, but this is up to you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bolosk said:

We don't live together, although we have plans for upcoming months. It does worry me that he is indeed a pathological liar. 

Please keep in mind pathological lying is chronic and pervasive and won't stop. It's an issue in itself as well as a symptom of serious disorders such as sociopathy. 

Please carefully reconsider getting in financially and living together. There's no reason for it and it's too soon anyway. Please trust your instincts and please talk to trusted friends and family and perhaps a therapist about why you are overlooking this .

This is not the same thing as a little kid fibbing about dogs eating homework to avoid consequences. This is a major red flag. 

[LootieTootie]

If my partner has a pattern of lying, I see that right away as not being honest. If you value honesty, this guy isn't it.

 

[lostandhurt]

The problem will most of his lies is that he didn't even need to lie, he chose to lie and sometimes for no good reason.  This is problematic in a relationship.  Without trust there can be no TRUE love.

  This isn't a pathology, this is a lifestyle choice.  He continually takes the easy way out instead of owning his choices in life.

 You cannot teach someone to be truthful, you cannot beg them to be honest with you and you cannot trust a lair.  It is that simple.  This is who he is from day one and he has not stopped.

  I assume you love this man but who are you really in love with?

Lost

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Bolosk said:

Would you stick around or leg it?

I'd leg it.  You can't trust someone who lies like this and without trust, you have nothing.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Bolosk said:

he promised to never lie again

Yeah, right. This is a promise he won't keep. You know this, and he knows this. 

4 hours ago, Bolosk said:

He manipulates me with half truths as well

I would not be able to continue the relationship if I felt this way. This guy is not life partner-material. 

[Kwothe28]

Liars and cheaters stay liars and cheaters.

You really cant expect the person who lies for the convinience sake, not to lie for convinience sake later on. he got used to lying to get out of the stuff. I mean to fake the house move just because he said fake adress to you? Who does that? Did he thought you would "stalk" him? I really dont get it. Same with stuff like inventing debt so he wouldnt take you to another vacation. That kind of behavior wont go away because he has gotten too comfortable with it. Every time when its inconvinient to tell the truth because he would have to do something he doesnt like, he just lies by default. Even for small stuff. You would never get honesty from somebody like that. And it would be best to just move on.

[Batya33]

Why are you moving in together - for convenience/financial reasons?  Do one or both of you see it as a step toward marriage?  For me personally what you describe would have been a dealbreaker right away -maybe not the address but if there was one more lie than yes. 

My friend is married for almost 30 years to a man who lied to her about his college education - I think he came clean after dating a few months -he felt insecure because he is younger than she and she at the time was more successful than him.  She didn't end it (I likely would have).  To my knowledge they're happy and that was the only lie.  I have another friend who stuck around a husband who forged her name on documents to get a loan, ruined her or risked ruining her financially, went to prison for white collar crimes, etc.  It really is an individual decision so crowd sourcing IMO is of limited value.

[Bolosk]

Yes we both want to get married and have kids, which is my biggest concent. Raising a kid with a liar?
 

I deemed 'crowd sourcing' necessary as I lack boundaries. I tend to give people too much the benefit of the doubt so wanted to see what others thought.

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, Bolosk said:

Yes we both want to get married and have kids, which is my biggest concent. Raising a kid with a liar?
 

I deemed 'crowd sourcing' necessary as I lack boundaries. I tend to give people too much the benefit of the doubt so wanted to see what others thought.

If you want to be a parent having your own boundaries is essential. Being on the same page as the dad is essential as far as the big stuff like ethics and morals. IMO.  You like to please people right? Not because you give “benefit of doubt” but mostly because you’re afraid of people not wanting to be with you or in a relationship right ? You gave him benefits many times. Your doubts are core shaking yes?  
do you want your child lying and his father tells him it’s ok? Lying about big stuff - risky stuff ? My son told his first lie at age 5. I caught him because his school lunch account showed a purchase of a meatball sub lol and he threw out his packed lunch and was afraid to tel me. That was funny. But only because he’s been raised to tell the truth. By both of us. I feel secure that my husband and I share the same values about that. As a result my 15 year old comes to us with the truth even if it’s hard or means he did something wrong etc.

You’re risking not having that sort of team approach. Also do you want to live a life monitoring what he does? You’re going to lease an apartment or buy property with a person who justifies lying about financial stuff ?? Just think about it and don’t give yourself much of a pass for being so tolerant of liars. 

[smackie9]

He lies because he's has low self worth/ is very insecure. The lying is a way he copes with anxiety. Make note, not everyone who suffers from anxiety outwardly expresses the behavior. I feel he has never been able to normally deal with these feelings as a kid. Could also be associated with a type of OCD. He just can't help himself. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/13/2024 at 9:16 PM, Bolosk said:

Yes, what if there's more to these inconsequential lies? I suspect there might be.

Even if not, the fact that you don't feel able to trust him is what would pull the rug out from under me.

Decide whether living with the constant fear of yet another lie being revealed is worth sticking around for a consequential one to give yourself permission to exit. Is that how you want to live?

If these are your fertility years, do you want to invest them in someone you can't trust?