Relationship status, follow up

[Johnlion91]

Hello friends, 

I've been dating a girl from work that's on other department since late november 2013.

We mostly go out on the weekends, although recently we go out once in the middle of the week of I stay at her place for one day.

First I thought she was shy and inexperienced, so she was taking things slow and the physical part of the interaction was going the same, which I had no trouble with.

The time we spend has always been funny, comfortable and interesting, with good communication.

Since february the relationship has escalated both in communication and physically, but now there has been various things that make me feel uncertain of how this is going and about her, in the sense that she seems to be in conflict with her emotions and is unsure too.

I'll try to list what's the situation, for better context.

She knew since the start that my intentions were good and to get to know her, as I've expressed it before and she thanked me for my patience, which I replied that it's not patience but genuine interest about her.

She finished an 8 year relationship in early 2023, which ended in a toxic way. And wasn't looking for anything, but when she met me she thought "why not" and found a person very different from the guys she has dated before, a gentle and good person.

Because of this, she finds hard to commit again, as it's difficult for her to open to give her time and "heart" to other person, so she feels like she is in a process and was focusing on herself instead.

I told her that I would like to continue to get to know her and really want to fall in love, she agreed to continue to date and let things develop.

During early february we had another two talks that ended with me kissing her for the first time and on the second one making out with her.

Those two talks touched some topics that are important to, and also got me to think a lot, given that I'm thankful for her to be sincere but also hurt me and don't completely understand how it fits into letting things flow.

First she mentioned that sex is very important for her in a relationship, and that she enjoys it a lot, so she has been having casual sex with certain people, friends with benefits, basically people that she doesnt consider anything else besides that.

Also told me she couldn't feel secure about our relationship without having the physical part, as she would really like to fall in love and commit again, but needed more assertiveness and initiative from me.

So that's when we kissed for the first time and make out, she was very gentle and sweet as she guided me, for context I'm very inexperienced, and she seems to have more experience.

We have continue to date afterwards and continued with the physicality.

Lately we had our first sexual encounter, and she was still sweet and communicative.

I touched the topic again of our relationship, and she seems to be on the same tone of still dating.

I don't really know about the fwb thing, but because of some event I learned that she keeps communication with possibly 2 of those people, although Idk if it's only a friendship.

Her treatment towards me lately is now more in tone of a couple, in the sense of going for kiss and hugs while together, in a more tender way, and also keeping the good interaction we had since the beginning, basically common interests, work, family, personal topics.

I'm thinking of staying in this relationship more time to let her feelings heal and the relationship to develop further, while keeping the communication.

So far I think there is genuine care and respect from both.

I think I've included the more I could and remember so far, but feel free to ask any question.

I'm looking for some insight and advice if possible, as I've never been in a situation like this.

Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Johnlion91 said:

. I don't really know about the fwb thing, but because of some event I learned that she keeps communication with possibly 2 of those people, 

Have you discussed being exclusive?  She seems interested in good sex with her FWBs, but it's unclear what she wants going forward with you.

She seems to apply the gas and the brakes at the same time in a very confusing manner. 

[boltnrun]

Shy and inexperienced, yet has a few casual sex partners?

That doesn't make any sense. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Johnlion91 said:

Because of this, she finds hard to commit again, as it's difficult for her to open to give her time and "heart" to other person, so she feels like she is in a process and was focusing on herself instead.

It's best to only date women who are fully, emotionally ready for connecting with a romantic interest at a normal pace. Not slow, not fast. Normal. 

When she says she's focusing on herself, it means she's not up to being someone's partner.

You're into her, so you're accepting her terms at the expense of your own. I'm sure you don't like this way of dating. Be real with yourself and think of the ideal dating situation you prefer. When you should be in the vetting process, follow your own standards regardless of how attractive a woman is. Your brain and heart need to work in tandem. Right now, you're solely using your heart.

[Johnlion91]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Shy and inexperienced, yet has a few casual sex partners?

That doesn't make any sense. 

That's what I thought at the beginning before she told me why she was hesitant, and the "thanks for having patience" part

[Johnlion91]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you discussed being exclusive?  She seems interested in good sex with her FWBs, but it's unclear what she wants going forward with you.

She seems to apply the gas and the brakes at the same time in a very confusing manner. 

Yes, she told me she would like to, but it's hard for her in the sense of feeling she would leave everything again for a relationship, like she did last time.

The confusing part is that she wants to continue our relationship to flow and see it develop

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Johnlion91 said:

The confusing part is that she wants to continue our relationship to flow and see it develop

This is code for "you will do for now", until she meets someone she really wants to date. 

You are setting yourself to get hurt here, man. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Johnlion91 said:

I don't really know about the fwb thing, but because of some event I learned that she keeps communication with possibly 2 of those people, although Idk if it's only a friendship.

 

Are you fine with sharing her with 2 other people? Because I can promise you those men dont take her out to talk to her lol

Get out of there. She is not conflicted with her emotions, she is on a "D carousel" after she got out of long relationship. You dont need that in your life unless you just want cheap fun.

[Kibo]

I don´t think it is unusual for a single woman to have friends with benefits.

I think the worst thing you could do would be to "push" things. While I think it is important to talk about exclusivity, you are walking on eggshells there. If she just as much as feels a slight vibe of you wanting to control her or have her commit to you, she will be out of your reach within an instant.

You can tell her that you are open for more, whenever she is. Try to focus on getting the sex to a really good level. So if you are inexperienced, get to know her. You can talk to her, ask her how she likes it. Put some effort into this, because, if a woman says that sex is important to her, she means it. So many women are frustrated, because in some relationships sex is good at the beginning and then diminishes in passion and frequency. She will be observing this factor in your "relationship". If the sex with you is so good, and the other factors are also fine, she will (usually) not feel the need to sleep with other people.

It also does not hurt, if she sees that you have other options as well.

[Batya33]

I don't think her interest in casual sex is because sex is "important" to her -it's because it's important to her to have a variety of sex partners and she likes having intercourse with people she's not emotionally committed to -maybe it's more pleasurable or fun for her that way.  Many committed people who have one partner find sex very important in a relationship. Right now your are Mr. Right For Now and her slowness to have intercourse likely had nothing to do with wanting to take it slow generally -she's either not that into you or not available for a relationship.  Bottom line you want a relationship with her. She does not want one with you.  Whether she settles on one of the other men she is having sex with and commits in the future who knows. I wouldn't wait around to find out.

 

[boltnrun]

It doesn't bother you that this woman you are trying to build a romantic relationship with is having sex with other men?

[smackie9]

You are not listening to her...she wants a man to be a man...confident, strong, expressive. She wants you to take a hard lead on this. She's done enough nursing you along. If your are not assertive in you actions, she's going to keep waffling. 

Grow a set, tell her what you want and demand it. if it doesn't pan out kick her to the curb because you ain't gettin what you want just hanging around. 

[Betterwithout]

Reading between the lines,
Looks like you are ready for a relationship and she is not.
Tread carefully and protect your heart.

The mere mention of FWB is honest on her part, but could be all she can handle right now since she ended a toxic relationship of 8 years.

Be ready for either outcome....I wouldn't hedge my bets on a luke warm relationship.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Johnlion91 said:

Yes, she told me she would like to, but it's hard for her in the sense of feeling she would leave everything again for a relationship, like she did last time.

The confusing part is that she wants to continue our relationship to flow and see it develop

She’s giving you the rebound speech up front. She would like to include you in her dabblings with men, and even if she claims to commit to you it’ll only be for a while before you get the speech about what a great guy you are, but she really should have taken more solo time to find herself, so she needs to move on.

You can delude yourself if you want, or you can mess around with your eyes wide open. At some point, she’ll be including you in the number of FWB’s she gives to the next guy she wants to mess with. If that’s okay with you, throw down and have a good time. Otherwise, move on to find someone who’s goals and values align with your own.

[Johnlion91]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are not listening to her...she wants a man to be a man...confident, strong, expressive. She wants you to take a hard lead on this. She's done enough nursing you along. If your are not assertive in you actions, she's going to keep waffling. 

Grow a set, tell her what you want and demand it. if it doesn't pan out kick her to the curb because you ain't gettin what you want just hanging around. 

Any tips on this? I have started to feel more confident with her lately so it's something in progress.

[smackie9]

51 minutes ago, Johnlion91 said:

Any tips on this? I have started to feel more confident with her lately so it's something in progress.

 tell her what you want and demand it.

[boltnrun]

Are you actually OK with this woman you are trying to have a relationship with having sex with other men? 

I wouldn't give an ultimatum but rather state your boundaries . You can tell her if she chooses to continue to sleep with other men you are not interested in continuing to pursue a relationship with her (if in fact you prefer she not have sex with other men while in a relationship with you). 

[Johnlion91]

Idk if she has continue to have sex with other guys, I'll approach the topic ofc and state my boundaries and intentions

[Johnlion91]

Final update

Well for context, like I told you before her last relationship lasted 8 years, and it finished around early 2023, she told me it ended in a toxic way and that at that stage they were more casually dating than a true relationship.

So this wednesday I told her I'll drive her home after we finished our office time.

Everything was good, I noticed her calm but cool, talked good during the ride.

We arrived to her place and talked inside the car, I proceeded to kiss her and noticed her pausing during a few times, then we hugged and said I missed her.

She rest her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes and put one of her hands on her face like thinking.

I asked her if she was alright, she then said there was something she needed to tell me.

She was hesitant, and said she didn't know how to or if she could tell me, that she felt very bad about it and asked for my forgiveness.

I noticed it was very hard for her to tell me about it, and I told her to trust me, that she knew the kind of person I was and that to feel comfortable or tell me how she could feel better so she could express herself.

I don't remember the exact words but then told me that recently she saw her ex bf and they talked and that they were in a process of talking things trying to rebuild their relationship, and said it was unexpected and that she felt it was unfair for me and not good to keep dating.

As she didn't want me to keep waiting and nothing happening afterwards nor that it was healthy for her to date me and develop a bigger link and then decide wrong.

She mentioned that she likes me a lot, that I'm a great person, and loves the way I'm, liked to spend time with me and enjoyed to talk with me.

Infact she let me know that she was dating good with me, giving herself a chance to develop the relationship.

I told her, she didnt need to ask for forgiveness, that it was good that she told me about it and it meant she was a good person as she didn't want to play with this situation and that I really appreciate what I could get to know from her during this time and that I appreciated her person.

She mentioned that she really felt trust and that's why she needed to tell me and was able to do it.

She said that it would be cool to keep going out in a more casual way but that it wasnt something healthy and that I wasnt like that.

I said some words for her, and what I liked about her and wished her the best and happiness.

After all the words we kissed and it escalated to making out again, then cuddling and caressing, while expressing our feelings, and saying we were going to miss eachother.

We also talked about having intimacy for a last time next week.

After some time we went out of the car kissed and said bye.

Arriving at my house noticed she left something at my car, so I told her I would bring it to her the next day.

That day I gave her the stuff she forgot, asked how was she doing, it was calm a little akward at first, she asked me if I could give her a ride at the end of the street to the grocery store, I did and then in the car we had a talk.

I felt kinda hard to find words, but I told her I got a couple of questions, that she could feel comfortable to tell me if she wanted or not to answer.

First I asked about how long has she been in that process with her ex bf, she told me it's only been a few weeks and that it being so soon, it was the best time to tell me about it.

The second question was about regarding to have intimacy for a last time, I told her it was something I would like to, but that I feel it wasn't healthy, as it would just prolong the link and it was disrespectful to this new process she's in.

She said she agreed with it, and that it would be hard to move to have intimacy in a relationship plan to something casual.

Then she said if she could ask me something, I said ofc, she asked me how would our relationship was going to be from now on.

I told her that I'll still treat her gently as I appreciate her, but that it would be better to have some distance before talking again, as in the sense I'll not invite her for a coffee to talk in a few weeks, as there is still care that will interfere with our lives.

She said she would liked to keep in contact, but that agreed it's better to distance ourselves while keeping things cordial, and if in a near future, fate lead us to have contact again it would be great.

I said bye with kiss in the cheek and a hug, she said it was strange, so I kissed her on the lips and hugged her again.

She grabbed my face and we kissed for a longer time, I stopped and grabbed her face and kissed her on the forehead.

Then we hugged for some seconds before finally say bye to eachother.

Some minutes later she texted me saying she was sad and didn't want to say goodbye, that she was going to miss me.

I replied saying I felt the same, but that it was great to end with clarity and in good terms, and she replied saying I was more.

So that's it, how things ended.

That same thursday early in the morning I noticed she hid her Instagram stories and highlights from me, but as you can see we could still text and see if she is online or not.

Weirdly she also liked an instagram story I uploaded yesterday, as I thought she would also avoid to check my stuff, but overrall everything ended in good terms.

I think ending things clearly and on good terms, helped so this isn't as hard as I thought.

I don't super sad just a little lonely, and at the end of the day she wasn't bad, she had past struggles on her life and this last relationship was also another hard chapter on her life.

Tbh I'm worried if it doesn't work again as she told me last time it even affected the relationship with her mother, but welp the only thing left to do is wish her the best.

And finally she confessed she was trying to do the things right with me, for what it's worth, she genuinely liked me, and it's her decision.

My conscience is clean, I did the best, hope she values it and whatev it comes hope it's the best for both of us.