My boyfriend overwhelms me sometimes and I do not know how to communicate it

[cherryberry123]

I’ll start off by saying I absolutely adore this man. I have never felt this strongly about someone before. He feels like home to me and I hope I’m lucky enough to marry him someday. He is the sweetest. 
 

I don’t know how to explain how and why he overwhelms me sometimes. I am hoping to explain a situation that happened today and have the forum help me gather my thoughts. 
 

I was on a phone call with my boyfriend. We are long distance. I was explaining that I ran out of my Nespresso pods. He told me I should look into getting reusable pods. I thought it was a great idea since I’m trying to save money for a home. I immediately went on Amazon to buy a reusable kit. I cleaned out my old pods (I have 3 months worth) to reuse. 
 

I mentioned that I wanted to buy this particular coffee from Costco that is vanilla hazelnut flavored. I had it previously and I liked it. He comments that they spray chemicals on flavored coffee beans. I said okay, I’ll get something else. He suggests I get a bag from a nice coffee shop instead. 
 

I ended up going to Costco to browse the available options as I am looking to save some money and I thought it might help to buy in bulk. 
 

Throughout the conversation, he mentioned the following:

- He told me I shouldn’t get a bulk size of grinded up coffee cause it’ll go stale

- He said for me to research the grind inside the nespresso pod because it’ll make a big difference. I need to make sure i don’t grind it too fine or too coarse

-  I suggested I will buy whole beans and grind up portions that will last a week. I can freeze the whole beans. He said what’s the point of the pods then cause it’s for convenience. He said I should buy a small bag from Starbucks, grind it all up and make 3 months worth. In my head, I’m obsessing about the freshness now so I said no. 
 

I felt like the conversation turned what was supposed to be a fun and simple errand to a stressful one. Before our conversation, I didn’t think about chemically sprayed beans, the freshness of beans, how to store them, how many grams in each pod, the grind etc. 

He admitted he is very particular about his coffee but I am not. 
 

I left Costco empty handed and told my boyfriend it’s getting too stressful. He apologized but said he thought it was supposed to be a light hearted conversation. Things got quiet and he said he had to go. We haven’t really messaged each other much tonight. I ended up cancelling my Amazon order cause I felt defeated and overwhelmed. 
 

I know this was a silly example but I feel it for other things. Another example includes:

- Talking about the calories of food or how many calories he burned. He might ask how many calories is in my food.  I struggle with my relationship with food and I don’t want to obsess about calories. 
 

I feel like I can’t do things the way I want to. He’s not possessive or anything and I know he wants the best for me. But I feel like he inserts his thoughts too much into how I live my life? 
 

Some recent examples:

-I got blood work done and my results came back yesterday. Everything was normal but it was recommended I cut down on cholesterol and sugar as I’m at the higher normal range. I did not tell my boyfriend as I feel like he would want to know all of my results and the exact numbers etc. 

- If I go buy a treat for myself, I sometimes don’t tell him as I am concerned he might secretly judge me and ask the calorie count  

How do I explain to him how I’m feeling? What do I say? Is it worth mentioning anything? I don’t know why it bothers me. Maybe it’s my insecurity. I just find it overbearing? Is that the right word? He just has this intensity for certain things.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I would also be overwhelmed by somebody who wouldnt even allow me to buy coffee how I wanted it without preaching about "oh the chemicals and how I need to not gring it too fine or too course" lol

If you wanted to buy vanilla hazelnut flavor coffee, just buy it. You dont need "Coffee Hitler" to tell you how to buy your coffee.

And that is another thing. You find it overbearing because it is overbearing. You are afraid to tell him stuff because he will overbear you with informations and judge you because you didnt do it exactly how he wanted it. And that for somebody who is long- distance. I hate to see how would he be if you are dating in-person instead. Please rethink if relationship with somebody who cant even let you to choose your own coffee how you wanted it is worth it.

[MissCanuck]

I have a friend like this. 

She is very particular about many things in life, and it can be exhausting at times. I have learned to not engage in her commentary when she starts fussing over the details of random things. If she persists, I meet with it with "I got it, thanks!" and change the subject. 

It is up to you if you can manage a relationship like this. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have a friend like this. 

She is very particular about many things in life, and it can be exhausting at times. I have learned to not engage in her commentary when she starts fussing over the details of random things. If she persists, I meet with it with "I got it, thanks!" and change the subject. 

It is up to you if you can manage a relationship like this. 

 

I also have a friend like this.  I have told her many (many) times I am not a person who is going to cook a family dinner with any regularity and I don't cook anymore with raw meat or chicken for various reasons.  She does. She sent me a message and a photo of a meal she cooked last week.  I responded "that looks great and I love how you plated it." 

I asked her nothing about how I could prepare it at my home, etc. I then get -yet again -many messages about how easy it is/where I can get the ingredients/how great it is to have leftovers and how she tailored it to her fussy eaters. She also does this with lots of other things she does with her kids that I don't wish to do. 

By contrast she knows I have an exercise routine. She complains about not having one but when she tells me about an exercise she did or looked into I simply respond "oh! sounds great" or "enjoy" and I let her ask me any questions about it (and even if she does I will not talk about my routine as I know she'd never be up for it AND -because it works for me but I won't assume it works for anyone else - by contrast your BF is overbearing -he assumes because he gets into the minutae of his coffee beans experience presumably everyone -including you -should -and to me that is a really arrogant/self-absorbed attitude).

I try my best with my friend to do what Canuck suggested but it's also easy to fall into the trap.

There is a real boundary IMO between being helpful/well-intentioned and overbearing with an agenda that has little to do with actual help- and to me it's easy not to cross the line -I would tell BF - (as another alternative to what Canuck suggested) -hey, how about if I want your input beyond what I asked I'll let you know.  For example with your bloodwork if you really must share that information with him - say in advance "I'll tell you about my bloodwork -I'm fine! - but I'd appreciate if you not share your opinions on how I should react unless I ask -does that work?"

Also you can say "I hear that you like getting into the nitty gritty about how you [enjoy coffee/scrub floors/take supplements/get your car detailed/get your hair cut/get your dog groomed] but I don't feel that way so all of this information really doesn't help me and it's a little overwhelming -I know you mean well and want to help so I'm just letting you know, K?"

[Andrina]

Most people do have good traits. But when they have traits that fall on the negative side, you have to decide if the bad outweighs the good, and if so, end it if there is no improvement after a discussion.

Yes, do communicate what you're feeling, because you're feelings are valid and bottling them up will only have you exploding one day. Plus, he's not a mind reader. A partner needs to be told when they are causing stress, and given the chance to improve. If he doesn't improve, it means he doesn't care he is causing you stress, and in essence, truly doesn't care enough about you to be your lifetime partner.

How does it sound living a life where you have to keep certain topics secret from him to avoid his "all-knowing, wise advice?" That's stress in itself, and not the way anybody should live. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, cherryberry123 said:

 I hope I’m lucky enough to marry him someday.  We are long distance

How long have you been dating? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other in person. 

Please continue to take care of yourself and your health. Please stop over sharing with someone who is clearly a know-it-all overbearing control freak. Make your own decisions about shopping, budgets and food intake.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other in person. 

Please continue to take care of yourself and your health. Please stop over sharing with someone who is clearly a know-it-all overbearing control freak. Make your own decisions about shopping, budgets and food intake.

I don't think that will work in a practical way if they get married -most married couples do share information on these topics - with exceptions of course!

[TeeDee]

Work on your self esteem.  When you feel stronger as an individual you will better be able to see / hear his suggestions for what they are:  his opinion not commandments.  

I love patterns & bright colors.  Toward the middle of our courtship before we were engaged, my now husband expressed a preference for me wearing dark solid colors.  Yuck.  I bought a few more LBDs which I wear occasionally but generally I stick to my vibrant colorful color palette.

When your guy makes a suggestion consider what he has to say then make up your own mind.  In the examples you gave, I'd think long & hard before buying the coffee beans sprayed with chemicals but as for the rest of it, just do what you want. 

If he judges you harshly for your independence, then he is not the "sweet" guy you think you should marry 

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, cherryberry123 said:

I feel like I can’t do things the way I want to. He’s not possessive or anything and I know he wants the best for me. But I feel like he inserts his thoughts too much into how I live my life? 
 

Some recent examples:

-I got blood work done and my results came back yesterday. Everything was normal but it was recommended I cut down on cholesterol and sugar as I’m at the higher normal range. I did not tell my boyfriend as I feel like he would want to know all of my results and the exact numbers etc. 

- If I go buy a treat for myself, I sometimes don’t tell him as I am concerned he might secretly judge me and ask the calorie count  

How do I explain to him how I’m feeling? What do I say? Is it worth mentioning anything? I don’t know why it bothers me. Maybe it’s my insecurity. I just find it overbearing? Is that the right word? He just has this intensity for certain things.

YOU should feel a lot more secure than this.

IMO, he's quite judgemental & controlling and yes, I feel he IS putting his '2 cents' in a little too much, too often! 😕 .

You;re already beginning to feel overwhelmed with all of this & to the point you do avoid telling him things - so withholding information for the sake of preventing judgement or any kind of argument.  Imagine if he was always right there.. beside you?

This is one BIG Red Flag ...  right?  You're feeling you can't be you, right?

Nope, I feel this is all going to end up failing, soon enough.  Sorry 😕 

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/10/2024 at 3:18 AM, cherryberry123 said:

-  I suggested I will buy whole beans and grind up portions that will last a week.

My hubs and I buy the big whole bean bags from Costco, and grind what we need for the week, and put the rest in an air tight container out of direct light.  Tastes great to me.  My hubs and I are coffee snobs.  I would never ever buy pods, but use them when I'm at a business, and that's all they have in the waiting area, or when I'm at my good buddy's place.

What do you serve him when he visits you?

This is something you should just have him show you when you see each other.  I have learned about coffee in one past relationships.  I don't think his coffee discussion meant to sent you in a tizzy.

Years ago, I scoffed at the idea of listening to NPR.  My hubs wanted us to have something to talk about it.  I did over time and now enjoy that station.  I think he is trying to get you into what he likes because he sees a future with you in, and damn it, he wants the good stuff.  

Just say, I got overwhelmed (be honest). You will have to show me when you come here again.

[catfeeder]

I have a few people in my life who love to delve into the details of the way they do things. I want to support their enthusiasm, but I don't commit to doing it their way. I simply say, "Ewww, that's interesting..." or, "Thanks, I'll consider that." Then I go about my business and do whatever I want.

Sometimes, the new info is helpful, and I will research it a bit and learn more about it. But the final choice is mine to make, and I don't report back to the person with my deviation unless I've found info that might be helpful to them.

[boltnrun]

My brother gives me suggestions pretty much whenever I tell him something that happened in my life. I know he means well and, in his mind, he's "trying to help". But 99% of the time his suggestions are either unwanted or are not helpful. So I speak to myself out loud when he texts me some nonsensical "advice"..."OK, sure, that's not gonna work!" Or something else along those lines. It keeps me from sending him a snarky response. I also will tell him up front, "not looking for advice or suggestions, just venting". That helps too.

Have you told your boyfriend that his comments and suggestions actually cause you stress? Rather than helping? He might think he's being helpful and may be surprised that he's actually "overwhelming" you. If you tell him and he apologizes and dials it back, that's a win. But if he gets huffy and defensive and says "I'm JUST TRYING TO HELP!" that would indicate he's not open to adjusting his behavior and you have a decision to make.