Does he deserve a second chance? OR should I just GHOST his a**

[electricorchid]

I’ve been going out/speaking a guy (36) Let’s Call him Ben, for a few weeks, we met on a dating app and he and I had a very wholesome first date running by the water together and then went out two more times after that. He made a great first impression on me, seemed to be very polite, respectful and positive energy. Everything seemed to be going extremely well at first, & we both ended up going on trips after our three dates; I went to South America for work and he ended up going to the Bahamas with Family. We both were gone from home for about the same amount of Time ( a week or so) and he would text me photos/text me from time to time throughout the trip. As soon as we both got back I was surprised I hadn’t heard from him in a long while, he never texted me when he got back and then THREE DAYS passed and I never heard from him, so I was confused.

When I met him he’s going through a pretty crazy career change/transition into another job, he seemed very stressed about it on our third date but was super open about it and was handling it overall very well and mentioned he probably had to start traveling to nyc weekly which he was not excited about bc he loves where we both live and plans to stay here. So I had grace for him going through this rough time in his life but that’s still no excuse I feel….

I ended up double texting him (which I never do, bc I had written him like 4 texts about my trip and he never responded or acknowledged my previous texts) but I decided to do something different and just text him “Hey stranger! Hope you had a safe trip back, I want to see you lmk” Turns out that worked, and got his attention and so he wrote me back that he liked my directness and said absolutely, let’s see each other this weekend and had me pick between Friday or sat. 

Our communication took a turn and started changing, he’s always since the day we started texting been not great at texting but he got worse, he would only text me super late at night like at 9 or 10pm, and would wait hours to respond to me about plans. So after I told him Friday he told me he was actually staying in and it was TBD because he had quite a long week etc. then he asked me if I wanted to join him Saturday to go to dinner with him and a friend from out of town and to bring a girlfriend along. I’ve already gone out with him and his friends before by myself and I just felt like my gut was telling me he was looking to entertain his friend for that Saturday night and that he wasn’t serious about making concrete plans with me. 

I declined and mentioned that I had wanted to see him Friday because there was a DJ playing I loved at a bar we had both promised each other we were going to go to when he got back from his trip and yet he decided to wait till 8:50pm on a Friday night and then says he “changed his mind” and he’s going out, and what was I up to/what did I decide to do for that night? I ignored him. 

He then added me on instagram to watch what I was up to on my weekend and then replied to my story and joked that he missed his invite when I had posted a fancy poolside I was at in my local gym. 

All of Saturday night he was surprised I didn’t want to go to dinner with him and his friend again, and so he kept writing me and asking me what I was up to (probably to meet up at some club or bar etc.) I ignored him bc I was so hurt he chose to ignore me and or deflect spending time with me on Friday when I had actually bought him a gift from my trip and was another reason why I had wanted to see him. Nothing crazy, just something small I wanted to give to him but little did he know.. 

I spent all Saturday night posting stories of myself having fun, looking fantastic and living my best life. He then texted me “I want to see you, how do we make this happen” I replied “Make it up to me, and let’s make plans this week”, so he tells me he’s going yet on another trip and that he wants to see me before he leaves. I agree on Tuesday and this man waits till TUESDAY NIGHT to text me that he’s “so sorry, that he got busy and that he owes me a phone call” I felt like my time got disrespected yet again. 

He keeps writing me on instagram DM that we should go on another run again when he saw I went running and I left him on read. 

I feel super torn and hurt and while I know I shouldn’t bc it hasn’t been many dates and its still pretty early on with this guy to develop anything yet I’m just so confused by his HOT & COLD behavior, it’s obviously clear that maybe he was seeing someone else he liked more and then when it didn’t work out with that option he came back to me, I still want to give him the little gift I got in South America but I feel like he deserves to get ghosted and for me not to respond to him. 

My gut also tells me he’s just keeping me there on sidelines as an option but there is nothing more of a pet peeve I have than when someone disrespects my time. I also thought about being honest with him and telling him that I’m turned off by his behavior and that I’m not interested anymore but that’d be a lie. Because although I’m pissed, we’re human and he’s allowed to see other people and make a mistake and so am I . I just chose not to, and I see a lot of qualities in him that are hard to come by and I don’t like people like that this often… 

Does this guy even deserve a second chance or do I send him to the ghost land?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, electricorchid said:

He then added me on instagram

Why did you accept this?

2 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I spent all Saturday night posting stories of myself having fun, looking fantastic and living my best life.

In other words, trying to get his attention. 

2 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I see a lot of qualities in him that are hard to come by

But girl, he does not seem that interested. And he's been very lukewarm about actually following through with plans. His positive qualities don't mean much when he isn't naturally that motivated to see you. 

I wouldn't waste more time on this. He's not where you are, in terms of interest. I would also get him off your socials so you aren't tempted to post things in an effort to get his attention and reaction. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why did you accept this?

In other words, trying to get his attention. 

But girl, he does not seem that interested. And he's been very lukewarm about actually following through with plans. His positive qualities don't mean much when he isn't naturally that motivated to see you. 

I wouldn't waste more time on this. He's not where you are, in terms of interest. I would also get him off your socials so you aren't tempted to post things in an effort to get his attention and reaction. 

I agree with this and way too much sort of game playing trying to get his attention -especially this early on -totally fine to ask him out of course but that was after he was fading out -so -why bother?.  Many people change their minds after a few dates. Perhaps he had time to reflect on vacation and realized that while he enjoys your company it's more on a casual/when he has time basis and doesn't see future potential.  Which is fine -could he have been more direct -sure - but I always interpreted silence/fading out as lack of interest.  

[smackie9]

Well if that's how you feel then tell him this doesn't work for you and wish him all the best. Pretty simple. Don't make this anymore complicated than it needs to be.

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I ignored him.

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

he kept writing me and asking me what I was up to (probably to meet up at some club or bar etc.) I ignored him bc I was so hurt he chose to ignore me

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

He keeps writing me on instagram DM that we should go on another run again when he saw I went running and I left him on read. 

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I feel like he deserves to get ghosted and for me not to respond to him. 

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

there is nothing more of a pet peeve I have than when someone disrespects my time

You seem to be ignoring him a fair amount of the time as well. Perhaps he is feeling just as hurt and disrespected by you? 

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you are feeling hurt that he has not put you as a higher priority, then you needed to talk to him as soon as you felt it was an issue. Relationships, at any stage, need honest, open communication. Voice your concern and if the other person is worth the time, they will try to reach a fair compromise with you. Instead, this feels like a game of one person gets close only for the other to pull away. Then you switch roles. That's not the sign of a healthy future. Perhaps neither of you are really invested in the first place?

I would actually try to have a real conversation about what each of you are feeling and where you see things going between you. Your gut feeling about him seeing someone else or being on the sideline may be right. But do you actually know? Do you want to throw in the towel based on speculation, or would you rather be able to say you laid all the cards on the table and really talked it over together before deciding whatever course the two of you decide to take? You're call and I wish you the best.

[Cherylyn]

No, second chances.  He'll only repeat his same patterns all over again which wastes everyone's time. ☹️

[Tinydance]

You said he's 36, are you the same age? If you're both in your mid 30's, you're supposed to be mature adults so I don't think there's any point to play games. You're ignoring his messages, leaving him on read to try to get some kind of reaction from him, why? You actually don't really know him because you only met him three times. You didn't say if you kissed or anything like that but if you hadn't then really it was more like just catching up to see if you like each other.

When you're going on dates with someone from an app, it's not like you are dating per se but you're just getting to know a complete stranger. I agree that he shouldn't be just bread crumbing you if he's not interested and just needs to say that he's not interested so you can move on. But you said you're feeling hurt because you got him a gift and that was your choice to get him a gift. You basically got a stranger a gift who is not your boyfriend so unfortunately that disappointment is because you got more attached to this guy than you probably should have.

I wouldn't say his behaviour is hot and cold. I'd say it's more cold. If he was interested he would want to go on a date with you and not just take you along to hang out with his friend and tell you to bring a girl friend for his friend. And he wouldn't only reply to you at 10:00 p.m. at night and take hours and days to reply. If he's not interested then you leaving him on read or posting fun Instagram stories isn't actually going to change that. I don't think there's any need to play games but just say to him that you're sensing he's not interested so you wish him well and goodbye.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, electricorchid said:

Does this guy even deserve a second chance or do I send him to the ghost land?

Seems like a lot of scheduling issues and poor communication. Especially since you are not exclusive, dating others and just seem like running buddies more than interested in the same types of dates. Step back see if he finally asks you on a real date. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Cancelling last moment would be a deal-breaker for me. I value other people's time and I expect the same, otherwise we're incompatible. Also, for a couple of dates it has already been too much disappointment and ego games. No point to continue, I can't see anything good coming out of this situation. I don't even see it as hot & cold, I see it as drooling on social media and not following through with actual plans, so... no.

I would suggest to remove/block him on Instagram, no point of feeding your ego thinking how he's going to see the amounts of fun you're having without him (in hopes he has regrets), you'll move on faster without that. Go live (or continue living) your best life instead. Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

On 2/11/2024 at 7:35 AM, electricorchid said:

I see a lot of qualities in him that are hard to come by

He is a millionaire, isnt he?

Anyway, joking aside, way too much egos involved in both cases. You are both equally messy individuals so no wonder you are attracted to each other. It was literally you that ignored him and then spend your time "living your best life"(codename for "I wanted to make him jealous so I went places and shoot 100 pictures for my Instagram, possibly some with other men for him to see it") and then we he "bited" and started spamming your DMs, now you want to "ghost". And I aint defending the guy, its quite resonable to assume that he has a bunch of them like you and that he chases you for one reason only. Just saying that this "cat and mouse" game doesnt help you when it comes to dating. If they dont want to continue, that is fine, just move on. Dont try to chase them and make them jealous. 

[kim42]

I think you are both playing games instead of communicating. If you don't like that he cancels last minute, which I can understand, then tell him directly. Ignoring him and trying to get his attention on Instagram won't help you in the long run.

You can either talk yo him ans suggest going on a date, or just move on, if you feel this is too complicated. 

[electricorchid]

9 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think you are both playing games instead of communicating. If you don't like that he cancels last minute, which I can understand, then tell him directly. Ignoring him and trying to get his attention on Instagram won't help you in the long run.

You can either talk yo him ans suggest going on a date, or just move on, if you feel this is too complicated. 

Agreed, Update: He messaged me he wanted to see me when he gets back from his skiing trip and I just ended up being honest with him that I would love to see him but that he bailed on me twice and I didn't appreciate that. I got a little sassy with him but he needs to know that upset me bc I found it to be disrespectful. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

Agreed, Update: He messaged me he wanted to see me when he gets back from his skiing trip and I just ended up being honest with him that I would love to see him but that he bailed on me twice and I didn't appreciate that. I got a little sassy with him but he needs to know that upset me bc I found it to be disrespectful. 

Yes. So it’s a much better look if you avoid “sassy” when being clear about your standards and thoughts. The person will know you were displeased and if the person cares they will not need to be “confronted “ or lectured to know. Hopefully you have a specific date planned. He knows when he’s back so he can make a plan in advance. 

[electricorchid]

23 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You seem to be ignoring him a fair amount of the time as well. Perhaps he is feeling just as hurt and disrespected by you?

I thought about this, but he's left me on read many times. And if you read the above.. the tuesday right before he left on his trip he "got busy" and texted me at 9:50pm to tell me he couldn't meet. 

[electricorchid]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. So it’s a much better look if you avoid “sassy” when being clear about your standards and thoughts. The person will know you were displeased and if the person cares they will not need to be “confronted “ or lectured to know. Hopefully you have a specific date planned. He knows when he’s back so he can make a plan in advance. 

True, I tried to not make him feel confronted or lectured especially since this is still so early on but at the same time if (my honesty that I was displeased with how he blew me off) that made him run away then he wasn't the right one to begin with. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

True, I tried to not make him feel confronted or lectured especially since this is still so early on but at the same time if (my honesty that I was displeased with how he blew me off) that made him run away then he wasn't the right one to begin with. 

For sure. If for you being honest means speaking in a sassy way because you think that’s the way to get your point across you do you. You are right. If someone doesn’t want to put up with your style of communicating and you are comfortable with treating people that way for these purposes then it’s not gonna work. It’s important to you to speak in that way and you’re fine with a person not feeling comfortable and walking away. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@electricorchid, would you define "sassy" in this context?  In what way were you sassy?  

It can have many different meanings depending on the circumstances and context. 

Jokey, snarky, sarcastic?  Or were you direct and told him off?  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, electricorchid said:

 I just ended up being honest with him that I would love to see him but that he bailed on me twice and I didn't appreciate that.

If he keeps blowing you off and ignoring you or being flaky, please step back. You spoke your mind and the ball is in his court. 

[electricorchid]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@electricorchid, would you define "sassy" in this context?  In what way were you sassy?  

It can have many different meanings depending on the circumstances and context. 

Jokey, snarky, sarcastic?  Or were you direct and told him off?  

Well he wrote me "I want to see you when back we are long overdue", so I replied "we are overdue indeed, i wanted to see you too but you blew me off twice", so then he writes "Not sure if blowing you off is the right wording for it" (he gaslighted me a bit there, bc he absolutely did) and then he changed the subject asking me about my weekend and how he leaves tomm back home and I answered him and asked "hows the skiing/trip?" but then i did end up writing him "You def blew me off though, what's sad is I though about you on my trip and bought you a little something so Ive been waiting to give it to you since friday, but anyway you too. Have a safe flight ❤️ " and that was that and he left me on read. 

[kim42]

35 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

Well he wrote me "I want to see you when back we are long overdue", so I replied "we are overdue indeed, i wanted to see you too but you blew me off twice", so then he writes "Not sure if blowing you off is the right wording for it" (he gaslighted me a bit there, bc he absolutely did) and then he changed the subject asking me about my weekend and how he leaves tomm back home and I answered him and asked "hows the skiing/trip?" but then i did end up writing him "You def blew me off though, what's sad is I though about you on my trip and bought you a little something so Ive been waiting to give it to you since friday, but anyway you too. Have a safe flight ❤️ " and that was that and he left me on read. 

So it seems you don't want to see him again. Or are you maybe hoping he'll try to convince you to hang out with him again?

Just asking.

[rainbowsandroses]

I am not quite sure I would consider what he did "blowing you off" either.

Yes he changed the plan on Friday because he had a long week and was tired from his trip but then changed his mind and asked what you were doing that night and also suggested Saturday night for dinner even if it was dinner with his friend and he asked you to bring a friend.

I dunno, if me and if I really liked him, I would have gone on Saturday and had a blast, the four of us!  Ended up alone later, just the two of us.

But for some reason you got your panties in a twist about it, and attached all sorts of negatives to it and claimed he "disrespected" you?

From my read, I see a lot of negative assumptions made on your part (gaslighting, disrespect) and him attempting to see you and YOU ignoring him.  Just my read on it.

You seem quite angry at him, even your thread title suggests anger asking "should I just ghost his a$$"?

What's that about?  Why so angry?  Is it just him or is it men in general?  I can't figure it.

Anyway, if you're THIS angry and don't envision anything positive about how he chooses to interact with you and asks to see you, why not just wish him well and call it a day?

He doesn't owe you anything, you're not exclusive, you are both free to change your minds, be tired and suggestive an alternative day and plan.

A little flexibility goes a long way.  I am NOT suggesting you become a doormat, definitely maintain boundaries but I see no good purpose served by you laying a guilt trip on him continuing to harp on the fact he "blew you off" and "disrespected" you?

Looking at from HIS side, he could easily say the same about you.

JMO good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[Capricorn3]

OP, this is not meant to be mean at all, but when one reads your past threads you seem to have a history of these same kind of scenarios over and over again.  When one puts it all together, you're the common denominator in almost all of them.  Maybe time to reflect and look within.

[Coily]

I think you are best to just wash your hands of this "Ben." This has clearly become a struggle for dominance in this budding relationship. You two clearly don't know how to communicate with each other at all. There shouldn't a tip-for-tat going on with your texting; but there it is from BOTH of you.

I will critique you a bit here, the "I'll show him how great I'm having it without him" posts never have the effect most people want. It's not a good look.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not quite sure I would consider what he did "blowing you off" either.

Yes he changed the plan on Friday because he had a long week and was tired from his trip but then changed his mind and asked what you were doing that night and also suggested Saturday night for dinner even if it was dinner with his friend and he asked you to bring a friend.

I dunno, if me and if I really liked him, I would have gone on Saturday and had a blast, the four of us!  Ended up alone later, just the two of us.

But for some reason you got your panties in a twist about it, and attached all sorts of negatives to it and claimed he "disrespected" you?

From my read, I see a lot of negative assumptions made on your part (gaslighting, disrespect) and him attempting to see you and YOU ignoring him.  Just my read on it.

You seem quite angry at him, even your thread title suggests anger asking "should I just ghost his a$$"?

What's that about?  Why so angry?  Is it just him or is it men in general?  I can't figure it.

Anyway, if you're THIS angry and don't envision anything positive about how he chooses to interact with you and asks to see you, why not just wish him well and call it a day?

He doesn't owe you anything, you're not exclusive, you are both free to change your minds, be tired and suggestive an alternative day and plan.

A little flexibility goes a long way.  I am NOT suggesting you become a doormat, definitely maintain boundaries but I see no good purpose served by you laying a guilt trip on him continuing to harp on the fact he "blew you off" and "disrespected" you?

Looking at from HIS side, he could easily say the same about you.

JMO good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

To be honest, I wouldn't really want to go on a "double date" either. If I've met someone three times, I want to get to know them more. We aren't a couple so it's too early to meet his friends and also saying I need to bring a girl friend as well to me would sound like the friend wants a hook up or something and it's easier for him to get with my friend than spend time swiping on Tinder. I wasn't sure if I read the post correctly but I thought it said the friend was visiting from out of town? So if he doesn't live there maybe he just wanted to hook up for the night? If Ben has time to hang out with friends but leaves her on read and doesn't have time to take her on a date, to me that's a sign that he's not that interested.

However where I think she's acting silly is she's deliberately doing that too and leaving him on read. And lecturing him that he's not replying but there is just no point doing that. This is someone she met only three times so why keep telling him off? If he's not responding and only treating her as Plan B then she can just say she's not interested in pursuing this and end communication. You can't make someone be into you so doing all these things wouldn't change anything. Seems like a waste of time to keep hounding a person and it's someone she hardly knows.

[Batya33]

From what you wrote about your texts I'd move on now - too much negativity/bad blood -not worth it to make another plan especially since there is no specific plan to see each other. My guess is he won't follow up given how you presented your issues and how he responded.