Does he deserve a second chance? OR should I just GHOST his a**

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

To be honest, I wouldn't really want to go on a "double date" either. If I've met someone three times, I want to get to know them more.

I am not sure I would either, I was speaking in general terms mostly.  IF I really liked him.  But it would depend on many things like how we communicated, got on together and our mutual connection, if any.

What I don't agree with is how she responds to his invites - with anger, accusing him of all sorts of negative things.

Again, if she doesn't like it, that is totally fine, graciously wish him well and walk.  Next.

There is no reason to get so angry at him, and guilt-tripping him by telling him twice how she didn't like being "blown off" and "disrespected."  I just don't understand the purpose or what she hoped to accomplish by doing that.

Whether he is or he isn't isn't even the point.  Again, you don't like it, wish him well and look for someone else to date.

Easy peasy imo.

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not sure I would either, I was speaking in general terms mostly.  IF I really liked him.  But it would depend on many things like how we communicated, got on together and our mutual connection, if any.

What I don't agree with is how she responds to his invites - with anger, accusing him of all sorts of negative things.

Again, if she doesn't like it, that is totally fine, graciously wish him well and walk.  Next.

There is no reason to get so angry at him, and guilt-tripping him by telling him twice how she didn't like being "blown off" and "disrespected."

Whether he is or he isn't isn't even the point.  Again, you don't like it, wish him well and look for someone else to date.

Easy peasy imo.

 

She said that is her way of responding with honesty and if the person doesn't like her honesty they're not a good match.  She's entitled -I mean it's not outright mean or offensive I suppose so maybe she'll find someone who likes that style and gives it back to her -they can spar, vent, whatever floats their boat.  I didn't bother trying to lecture/retrain men who I felt were unreliable or flaky or not respecting my time.  I might vent to friends about it or my mom! To them I simply showed my standards by declining another date or perhaps clarifying in a polite way like "if you're going to be more than ___ late please let me know."

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She said that is her way of responding with honesty and if the person doesn't like her honesty they're not a good match.  She's entitled -I mean it's not outright mean or offensive I suppose so maybe she'll find someone who likes that style and gives it back to her -they can spar, vent, whatever floats their boat.  

^^Fair point!! 

It's not my style and as such don't agree with it, but if that's HER style, then so be, you're absolutely right.

And 100% agree on the sparring, in fact boyfriend and I were out last night and there was a couple having at it with each other, it got pretty ugly, the back and forth.

It was a bit troubling to watch but boyfriend said they've been together for years, that's just how they roll and love each other to death (hopefully not literally)!! 

 

 

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am not sure I would either, I was speaking in general terms mostly.  IF I really liked him.  But it would depend on many things like how we communicated, got on together and our mutual connection, if any.

What I don't agree with is how she responds to his invites - with anger, accusing him of all sorts of negative things.

Again, if she doesn't like it, that is totally fine, graciously wish him well and walk.  Next.

There is no reason to get so angry at him, and guilt-tripping him by telling him twice how she didn't like being "blown off" and "disrespected."  I just don't understand the purpose or what she hoped to accomplish by doing that.

Whether he is or he isn't isn't even the point.  Again, you don't like it, wish him well and look for someone else to date.

Easy peasy imo.

 

Yes agree with all that completely.

[Tinydance]

I actually did go on some double dates when I just met a guy but it was in the distant past and pre any apps or social media. I'm 39 and when I first started dating I was 17. I had no dating experience and was very anxious. So because I was so nervous, I would sometimes suggest to a guy to bring a friend and I would bring my best friend at the time for moral support.

We actually became friends with the friend of a guy I was briefly seeing and he said another friend of his wanted to meet someone. So we went on a double date/hang out with my best friend and those guys. I did end up seeing the friend for a few months. The thing is, this was all pre any apps or any social media. So I think to me it was also like when people said to me: "Do you want to go on a blind date with my friend?", I had no idea who the person was or what they looked like at all. So naturally I was nervous coz it really was a stranger. Now you can look up their social media, video call first, send each other your photo, etc. So I don't really see the need to go on a "double date" as such. Unless let's say OP and Ben are already dating and Ben's friend has a girlfriend. And they all say: "Let's go out all together guys".

When I've only just met someone, if they ask me to come out with them and their friends, it seems like they can't be bothered so they just ask me to join them because they're already going out. I could be wrong but that's the way it comes across to me.

[Andrina]

It's clear that after the third date he decided he's just not that into you. And the New York thing sounded like a built-in excuse. I wouldn't even buy into the fact that's true. But instead of taking note of the lack of communication from him as a clear sign of this, or not being patient to see if he actually reached out, you communicated four times without a response, then gave a passive-aggressive tongue lashing calling him "stranger."

It's clear you lack self-worth or you wouldn't have kept making the effort you did when the same wasn't given in return. Perhaps if you learn self-love, and stop with the tongue-lashings, you will attract better prospects. Read some books on better communication and boosting your self-worth. Always room for improvement. I've done the same myself in the past and present. It was pointed out to me once how sarcastic I could be, and I improved in that area. Good luck.

 

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, electricorchid said:

the tuesday right before he left on his trip he "got busy" and texted me at 9:50pm to tell me he couldn't meet.

I once had someone bail on me the day we were planning to do something. I was disappointed but gave her the chance to explan and she had a valid reason to miss it. Because I was understanding about it, she actually ended up feeling guilty and finished her thing early so we could see each other that night. Months later she would bail again at the last minute, this time without a good reason. Next time we spoke I firmly made clear that wasn't right and it hurt. I didn't need to get sassy or make accusations or assumptions (gaslighting, seeing someone else). Just the fact that I said I didn't appreciate the behavior and made clear I expected her to communicate with me was enough. She kept her word after that. Problems come up. People do things they shouldn't. But games of avoiding contact or blaming the other doesn't fix things. Communication and working together fixes them.

At this point you've built up a lot of anger and hostility towards him. Yet you still brought up giving him the gift. So do you want to see him or not? The answer really lies in what you feel right now. If you are too upset with him, think that anger will come out and cause you to say rude things to him, or just don't want to deal with the back and forth anymore, then end things. Let him know you had a nice time but that you don't see a future in this. Then forget it. But if you do think you still want to be around him, then you'll need to work together, without saying things in a way that would put the other on the defensive. You'll need clear guidelines on what you expect from the other and you'll need steady communication and honesty.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't bother with all this silly back-and-forth, OP. 

I would instead wash my hands of this and move on so you can find someone who is more interested in you. This guy just isn't 

[Batya33]

Also in the name of "honesty" as you're very focused on being honest about your feelings practice only using I statements.  It forces you to be direct and prevents sarcasm and sassiness /passive aggressive.  It's hard for me sometimes because it means being extra vulnerable. 

I did that last night with my husband -even though I was really tired/fried I started with "I feel hurt when---" and he responded in a far more reasonable way and we cleaned it up much faster -turned out he hadn't done what I thought he had that hurt (he had done his utmost to keep things quiet for me without my knowing)- but I bet if I'd gone to him with an indirect sarcastic remark first he'd have responded to my tone I bet - and then maybe told me defensively he had done what I asked and I was mistaken. 

Same with flaky friends/dates "I felt frustrated/sad when you cancelled last minute" - that's the honest part -that's the truth. You did.  The rest is all this ego "I am woman hear me roar I WILL be respected or else" noise/distraction.  

[catfeeder]

The only times I've been emotionally invested enough to characterize a man's behavior is if I've slept with him too soon. I bond when I'm sexual, so when I've gone there before knowing a man well enough to feel secure about his interest and his investment in me, I've become more emotionally charged and reactive to interpreting his behavior under a microscope.

I'm not saying that's behind your reactions, but if so, you may want to consider holding off on sex until you can get your bearings. Figure out where you want to stand with a man first, and learn whether that's the case before risking your vulnerability.

Strangers are a dice roll. I tend to benefit from more clarity when I'm less emotionally invested in the slightest of outcomes. I'm not so quick to take offense, yet I can pull back and observe whether someone will step up to make up for disappointments. If not, then he's not an automatic villain, because I never offered him the power to hurt me beyond recognizing that he's just not a good match.

Head high.

[electricorchid]

On 2/13/2024 at 3:13 PM, catfeeder said:

The only times I've been emotionally invested enough to characterize a man's behavior is if I've slept with him too soon. I bond when I'm sexual, so when I've gone there before knowing a man well enough to feel secure about his interest and his investment in me, I've become more emotionally charged and reactive to interpreting his behavior under a microscope.

I've never even kissed or slept with this man yet? No clue where you got this assumption.....

[electricorchid]

On 2/12/2024 at 10:24 PM, ShySoul said:

I once had someone bail on me the day we were planning to do something. I was disappointed but gave her the chance to explan and she had a valid reason to miss it.

He keeps writing me and I've given him plenty of time to explain/chance to make things up. While I appreciate everyones opinions, and while I usually give men the benefit of the doubt all the time you guy have not met him nor seen the casual messages he always writes me with. Basically writing me almost everyday now "I want to see you or what are you doing this weekend" and then leaving me on read for 24 hrs. he's just trying to string me along so I shall move on. I need someone whose going to make concrete plans with me.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

I've never even kissed or slept with this man yet? No clue where you got this assumption.....

So if that's the case then why are you acting over the top towards him? You met him three times, nothing happened. Then he seemed to be acting like he's losing interest. But instead of cutting him loose you kept playing games and confronting him why he's doing this and that. He actually doesn't owe you to be interested in you or to date you. He does owe you to say he's not interested but I guess he was trying to do a slow fade. You got him a gift but really he's just a stranger to you.

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

He keeps writing me and I've given him plenty of time to explain/chance to make things up. While I appreciate everyones opinions, and while I usually give men the benefit of the doubt all the time you guy have not met him nor seen the casual messages he always writes me with. Basically writing me almost everyday now "I want to see you or what are you doing this weekend" and then leaving me on read for 24 hrs. he's just trying to string me along so I shall move on. I need someone whose going to make concrete plans with me.

Just move on, he is 100% stringing you along. Look how he is trying to bait you with this message. Like he is testing the waters to see if you are still interested when he gave you the cold foot treatment. Disgusting and very disrespectful to treat you like that. He is the definition of not boyfriend material, zero consideration, no respect of you or your time. DONE

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

you guy have not met him nor seen the casual messages he always writes me with. Basically writing me almost everyday now "I want to see you or what are you doing this weekend" and then leaving me on read for 24 hrs. he's just trying to string me along so I shall move on.

That's a good idea.  I am not even sure his goal is "stringing you along," what it sounds more like to me is that he simply enjoys "messing with you," hoping to garner some sort of reaction from you.

There are some men out there who enjoy doing that - behaving in ways to elicit a woman's reaction, be it anger, frustration or whatever.  They get off on it.  I have encountered a few men like this myself.  

And you have emotionally reacted on previous occasions so he knows you are a good candidate.  

If you want to continue with this man, either learn how to play HIS game and DON'T react, or better yet, just move on like you said. 

He's a complete waste of time.

JMO.

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

. Basically writing me almost everyday now "I want to see you or what are you doing this weekend" and then leaving me on read for 24 hrs. 

Is he actually asking you out with plans or just nosy chitchat about what you're up to this weekend? How are you responding to his messages? 

[boltnrun]

I have a friend who always expected to be treated disrespectfully or poorly so she preemptively acted "sassy" if men approached her. Then when they took offense at being spoken to in a "sassy" manner she would say "Ah, he's a wimp. He can't handle me!" She would even do this to men she'd gone on a few dates with. And it was always the men who "can't handle" her. She had a really hard time with relationships until she finally stopped with the "sassy" routine and started being more genuine and less on the offensive. 

If this guy annoys you this much, why bother?

[Tinydance]

Just stop responding and block him. If he's not acting normal and interested I think it doesn't really matter why. If someone isn't messaging you consistently and actually catching up then just get rid of them. Otherwise it's a waste of time.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There are some men out there who enjoy doing that - behaving in ways to elicit a woman's reaction, be it anger, frustration or whatever.  They get off on it.  I have encountered a few men like this myself.  

There are people who do this for sure- some are all over the place as far as etiquette and common courtesy. I recently had  this experience when trying to set up two friends -in their 60s!

  OP- I'd stop interacting with this guy - you seem way too frustrated, and the bad blood certainly outweighs the good stuff -it's hard enough to get to know someone without this wall of -basically bitterness- you have for him. 

[electricorchid]

19 hours ago, yogacat said:

Just move on, he is 100% stringing you along. Look how he is trying to bait you with this message. Like he is testing the waters to see if you are still interested when he gave you the cold foot treatment. Disgusting and very disrespectful to treat you like that. He is the definition of not boyfriend material, zero consideration, no respect of you or your time. DONE

Thankyou yogacat. I agree, thankyou for your response.