Long-term relationship potential or part ways? 27F (me) and 30M (bf)

[jennchen123123]

 

For background - been in a ~1 year relationship with my boyfriend (30M) that I met on Hinge. I'm located in NYC, moving to California next year for a new job and coming at a crossroads whether this relationship is worth continuing to do long-distance / stay for the long run (marriage) once I have relocated or whether to part ways.

I am an Asian woman, grew up in Los Angeles, went to an Ivy League university and worked at an investment bank for ~6 years in a front office role. Parents are immigrants so the frugality / high achieving mentality was instilled in me at a young age and still persists to this day. They are urging me to reconsider my relationship particularly now that I will be relocating for work and want me to start a family sooner than later given my "age" (and have traditional values around the role of a man / woman in a marriage).

However, my boyfriend is White, he works in education and grew up in New York. He is a lovely, handsome man, cares for me deeply and we get along very well. He is not very familiar with Asian culture / values so there is a bit of a cultural divide but he is receptive to learning / experiencing more of it. He wants to stay in New York, at least for the next few years. I've had a few prior boyfriends and there is a chemistry here that I haven't experienced before.

My parents mentality is that the economic reality is very important and that the man should make enough to be able to support a family or me if I decide to stop working / lose a job, not necessarily as much as I do but have at least a good career trajectory. I make 300k+ annually with potential to double my salary over the next ~5 years assuming I continue working in the industry, while he only makes 70k and the ceiling is much lower in the industry he works in. If the gap was less pronounced and wouldn't expand as greatly over time, as well as not living in a HCOL area, the salary would be a less important consideration as I think about the relationship. I understand the practical ramification but my heart is also swayed / I love him a lot - that being said, I also want to prevent future disputes around money down the road and not result in a divorce.

All - seeking your advice and help on how to think through this decision process. Particularly curious for those who have had similar situations and maybe a few years out into the relationship (or split) and how it panned out.

[dias]

I don't have any suggestions but I certainly doubt your parents mentally is going to work in your case since you are making this amount of money. If you filter out all the men who make less than 300K it would be slim pickings. If you feel he is the one probably it's worth risking it otherwise break up. This a tough one. Good luck with whatever choice you make 🙂

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, jennchen123123 said:

, moving to California next year for a new job and coming at a crossroads whether this relationship is worth continuing to do long-distance I have relocated or whether to part ways.

Since your BF has no interest in relocating, it may be better to cross this bridge when you get to it. You really don't know how you will feel in a year and how things will go in CA. 

[Coily]

I think this is a situation where you have to let this run it's course, rather than trying to think through all of this. You could get sick of being in Cali, he could suddenly want to move, you could both want to go separate ways after a week of doing long distance.

The earnings topic is largely irrelevant between you and he; not saying there can't be possible problems developing from that, but to place too much emphasis on that now is not wise. Once you start making solid wedding plans then have that discussion, but for now see how the relationship goes.

There are too many variables to give sound advice here.

[Batya33]

Since you make a high salary as I did when I worked full time for 15 years in NYC sock away $$ now so if you want to be a SAHM and or you want to supplement the family’s income if you marry someone who is a teacher or nonprofit etc you will have built up a nest egg. I did this while single. For 11 years until I married and became a mom at age 42. It helped a lot as a security blanket as I did marry a man who didn’t need my financial help (still I gave it / I felt strongly about contributing when I was a SAHM even though my long hours were unpaid 

My husband and I were long distance for a significant portion of the time we were dating. It’s really hard. We were able to see each other about every 11 days between business trips we each had, his traveling to me to see his family as well and me traveling to him. It was worth it because we had marriage plans. Otherwise it wouldn’t n have been 

also do you admire and respect him ? Admire and respect his career choices and work ethic and ambition ? To me anyway that’s crucial for a successful LTR. Good luck !

[smackie9]

This is a conversation you should be having with him. See what he actually would be willing to do about it, like relocate, future plans. This isn't about your parents.....this is between you and him, and what you want for yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno how much is feasible to maintain LDR when you are on a different coasts. Without long term plans to actually have a future together. Would think differently if he plans to come to California or you are short-term there and then come back. But as far as some future goes, your paths are on different sides at least for now. 

Pay gap is another thing. I am not really materialistic but it can create a divide. What if you want to go to St Barts(googled that as one of the most expensive vacation spots)? And he cant follow that on teachers salary? That could create a problem even if you are on the same spot. Though you did very well even with that divide as you were together so it might not be a problem. 

Also do parents mind that he is white and not for example Asian? Or is it just a traditional thing where they believe a man should be a provider and that he should also be on a 6 figure salary to support you? 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, jennchen123123 said:

I am an Asian woman, grew up in Los Angeles, went to an Ivy League university and worked at an investment bank for ~6 years in a front office role.

2 hours ago, jennchen123123 said:

I make 300k+ annually ...

@jennchen123123 can you clarify^^?  You make $300K annually working front office?

If so, wow. That's pretty much unheard of unless you're involved with other aspects like sales.  The highest paid front office jobs in the US (NY and CA) are in the $35-$45K range. 

But good for you!  

Anyway, since you have the potential to double that within next five years if you remain in the investment industry, imo the income disparity is going to eventually bite you both in the ass.

My advice is move to Cali, start a new life and slowly extricate yourself from your parents' influence.

That is exactly what I did.  I became my own person, with my very own thoughts and feelings and life, every decision I made was my own

It's very freeing and although difficult, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

All the best whatever you decide.

 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

Asian here, born and raised in NY with immigrant parents, and happily married to a white dude, and I am the only Asian woman he's ever dated, but he has learned many of our traditions over the years, and I enjoy not having to tolerate any micro-aggressions or overt racism when he is around.  And, I used to teach a long time ago, but got out of it to go into business.

If your parents are hot to have grandchildren, MARRY the TEACHER! They have every single school day/holiday break off, and you won't have to worry about childcare on those days.

And, unless you plan to marry your parents, they don't get a say on your love life.  Even though I have known my hubs since I was a teenager, the year we got back together, he came to visit long distance in a blizzard, and his car had a hole in it (long story).  They asked me if he was crazy.  They love him so much now; they call him when they need something, almost never with my two big brothers.  

What you need to ask is if this person is right for you. If they are, go have fun, and enjoy each other, and see what happens.  There is no guarantee that a person who looks good on paper will be kind, faithful, and dutiful.

My hubs was a pauper when we married, now he makes 3 times more than I do, and I make descent money.  So, if you love each other, and want each other, explore it.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  The highest paid front office jobs in the US (NY and CA) are in the $35-$45K range. 

I make considerably more than that as a admin. Just FYI. 

You are in a romantic love relationship with this man, not your parents. Perhaps if you filter out what they've been telling you the answer might become more clear.

I do like the idea suggested above of putting as much of your salary as reasonably possible into savings. 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I make considerably more than that as a admin. Just FYI

Thanks so do I.  Front office is basically reception which is why I asked OP to clarify if she was doing more.

Because heck even sales people especially right out of uni don't rake in $300K+ annually.  

Not that it matters, if she's earning that much more than her boyfriend, there will most likely be an issue in her relationship eventually IMO.

 

 

 

[jennchen123123]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@jennchen123123 can you clarify^^?  You make $300K annually working front office?

For additional context, front office means a client facing role - think investment banking, sales & trading, investing. Have some tenure and seniority on my current team, hence the current comp. The career path is stressful / arduous but very lucrative.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, jennchen123123 said:

For additional context, front office means a client facing role - think investment banking, sales & trading, investing. Have some tenure and seniority on my current team, hence the current comp. The career path is stressful / arduous but very lucrative.

OK great, that makes sense.

Where I'm from "front office" means something different (receptionist) which again is why I asked for clarification.

So thank you for clarifying!  😀

 

[Batya33]

Just now, jennchen123123 said:

For additional context, front office means a client facing role - think investment banking, sales & trading, investing. Have some tenure and seniority on my current team, hence the current comp. The career path is stressful / arduous but very lucrative.

I did the same sort of career path for 15 years. After an intense grad program. Not I-banking. Same experience. No regrets. The gift that keeps on giving. Also helped me re-enter the work force after 7 years as a SAHM. I was 48 when I started interviewing and 50 at my interview where I got my part time position in my field. I know my past experience made up for the huge gap and my older age.  Let me be home full time while contributing financially. It does not need to be an “issue”.  Depends on the couple.

My first career was teaching. I loved it. Couldn’t live independently on the salary. Transitioned to my second dream career- current one. I’m 57 now. Yes I could have returned full time and worked back up to management but as a mom - wasn’t gonna happen for me and let me retain some sense of sanity lol. Good luck and again consider whether you respect and admire your partner’s work ethic and ambition and smarts. If not it sure could be an issue. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, jennchen123123 said:

. I'm located in NYC, moving to California next year for a new job. I make 300k+ annually with potential to double my salary over the next ~5 years assuming I continue working in the industry, while he only makes 70k 

If you think he's special, stay in NYC. Please understand. Relationships are not spreadsheets. You may have to make decisions based on feelings as well as economics. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, jennchen123123 said:

...moving to California next year

CongrAts on your great career and aspirations! Also congrAts on finding a terrific man.

Think of these aspects of your life as wonderful puzzle pieces that will either 'click' into place, OR, will be resolvable once you cross the right bridges--without self imposing some arbitrary deadline.

Well-meaning parents can sow seeds of discontent with their futuristic thinking, but that's THEIR problem. It doesn't mean that you must cater to their thinking. You can always say, "Thanks, I'll consider that..." even while you play out your own life as you see fit. You've earned that right.

A year isn't a week or a month. Enjoy NY with your BF, keep your focus on the present in the same manner that tourists tend to do. Keep learning about one another in that 'contained' context, and occasionally explore the future visions of each of you. Either those visions will align in crucial ways at some point, or they will make diverging paths become apparent. OR, something unexpected within the year might alter your field of consideration, rendering premature wheel-spinning a waste of energy. So learn how to relax into mystery as one of life's best teachings.

I like @Batya33's suggestion to sock away money. This will serve you regardless of whether you opt to partner with a man who earns less, or whether you'll go solo, or even whether you end up with a man who matches or supersedes your earnings. It's all about options. You can afford to select ANY of those--so don't stress yourself out of the enjoyment of your youth by narrowing your field of options prematurely.

[Andrina]

Decide once and for all whether or not you will allow your parents to weigh in on your life to this extent and sway you on your decisions.

If so, break up with the guy now and only date men who meet their exact specifications. 

If not, decide what your own must-haves and dealbreakers without imagining them as those cartoony angels and devils on your shoulders, muttering their demands into your ears.

There often is one breadwinner in the family. Why does it always have to be the man? In my opinion, as long as the man has a good work ethic and is working to his potential--not lazy, not seeking a high-earner partner with dollar signs in his eyes, etc., then that is good enough for me. Would that be good enough for you if you leave aside what's been drilled into your brain since childhood?

When two people love each other, they can get a financial advisor and plan accordingly for anything that can happen in the future.

You're the one who decided to move away, so you should be the main one making a bit more of the effort to get together should you decide to do long distance. Of course, see what efforts he makes to be in this LDR. 

What was the discussion like when you told him this? Did you flat out tell him you were doing this without his input? Did you come to the discussion as part of a team, or that you're doing it whether or not he goes along for the ride? If so, perhaps you don't care for him as much as you've assumed. Or, are you letting your parents influence about money being the priority, override your feelings?