Not sure whether to go on a date on Friday because he seems quite dull

[Amandatorimeating]

I was going to go and give it a chance. However he cancelled last minute anyway so. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

 he cancelled last minute anyway so. 

Sorry to hear that.  Maybe for the best. Now you can move forward to someone you relate to better. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I was going to go and give it a chance. However he cancelled last minute anyway so. 

Did he forget to record his favorite show and had to watch it?? 😉

Probably for the best.

[Coily]

Maybe he got "the ick"?

[lostandhurt]

Perhaps in the future you can meet for a quick coffee sooner and save all this mental gymnastics.  There is nothing like meeting in person and it is nice to be pleasantly surprised by who they really are but not because we have decided they were boring or whatever, but because we never really know who we will fall for.  As you have read above there are couples that if they followed your reasoning would never even met but are together and in love.

  I do agree at 34 he should have his own place unless he has had a recent financial tragedy he is recovering from. 

 Best of luck on your dating

 Lost 

[Amandatorimeating]

I don't understand some of the catty comments. Maybe he got the 'ick' too, he's entitled to do so.

No point of me going to meet him out of pity. If I didn't like the sound of him by text, what's the point of me going?

Surely people here have spoken to men online but decided they didn't want to go ahead with meeting, you're just strangers at that point, nobody owes anyone anything.

Lot of focus on the TV/films thing, it was just one example,but yeah maybe I wanted someone I had more in common with, no point settling. Anyway doesn't look like we'll be meeting now fortunately.

[smackie9]

You are right....if your gut tells you "maybe no" then there is nothing wrong with that. Your time is your time so why waste it. Some don't mind an outing for something to do, take a chance, but it doesn't mean you should follow suit. You do what you think is best for you, not what your friends say calling you "mean" etc. 

[MrMan1983]

The phrase ‘the ick’ gives me the ick 😆 Anytime I meet someone that uses that reality TV term they’ve been very nit picky. Get what you mean about someone with no hobbies though, important to have passions but hard to judge by text, have met people that have come across completely different in life. A quick phone call is often a good idea too to see if it’s less dry. Or….just don’t meet. 

[catfeeder]

34 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I don't understand some of the catty comments.

You know? It's been pointed out by many people that, as a group, 'we' tend to come off as a bunch of mean girls, and I agree. I apologize to you for that.

Quote

No point of me going to meet him out of pity. If I didn't like the sound of him by text, what's the point of me going?

Yeah, I think this is the kind of inner struggle that tends to smooth out and get easier over time. The respondents that don't prompt you to WANT to grab a coffee are a majority, and so 'nexting' those can either be a clear choice, OR, you can stop shooting for 'a feeling' prior to grabbing a quick cup.

It's the newness of using OLD that can force the question, if I don't use the tool for enough in-person meets, is THAT the waste of my time, or would I prefer to hold out for a bit o' inspiration because I value my time that way? Nobody else can really weigh in on that FOR you, but it might be helpful to invest in a paid app that does some basic screening beyond the free apps. For instance, guys who float around on free apps looking for hookups (regardless of saying otherwise in their profile) or people who are only dipping one toe in the water, as opposed to those who'd pay for a membership to actually seek out (and meet!) potential matches. You can also use a combo of different kinds of apps.

Quote

Surely people here have spoken to men online but decided they didn't want to go ahead with meeting, you're just strangers at that point, nobody owes anyone anything.

Yup. You don't 'owe' anyone feigned positivity. On the other hand, you do 'owe' yourself an open enough mind to recognize that flat messaging can come off however we interpret it according to our own mood, AND, most people are NOT skilled at 'marketing' themselves online or otherwise. So screening to set up a couple quick meets for coffee each week on your way home from work with reasonably intelligent and attractive strangers--as opposed to trying to message your way into 'feeling it' for someone? I think that's a personal choice. I'd prefer to play out a crap shoot and let people show me who they are.

Grabbing an occasional coffee at a bookstore or in town to learn whether I'm being stood up--or whether I might enjoy a quick convo with a stranger, even ones I didn't set up to meet, hah! is just not a big deal. It teaches me a lot more than does trying to 'fill in' gaps with my own imagination. Most importantly, I've grasped that most people are NOT our match. So I'm not discouraged by my experiences that do NOT lead to the love of my life. I just roll with it while I enjoy it, I take breaks when I don't enjoy it, and the bottom line is, I'm already happy being single, anyway. So it's no real skin off my back to cycle in and out of OLD over time. We each get to choose exactly how intense we want to make it. In my case? Not very.

Head high.

[Coily]

2 hours ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I don't understand some of the catty comments. Maybe he got the 'ick' too, he's entitled to do so.

No point of me going to meet him out of pity. If I didn't like the sound of him by text, what's the point of me going?

Surely people here have spoken to men online but decided they didn't want to go ahead with meeting, you're just strangers at that point, nobody owes anyone anything.

Lot of focus on the TV/films thing, it was just one example,but yeah maybe I wanted someone I had more in common with, no point settling. Anyway doesn't look like we'll be meeting now fortunately.

Mostly as a joke about the way this guy has been talked about. "The ick" is just a bizarre turn of phrase to me, what should be a simple "I find him uninteresting;" gets shifted into a pejorative.

Did you owe him a thing? Nope. Did he owe you a thing? Nope.

Hopefully you will find someone more to your liking! I genuinely hope you do.

 

[boltnrun]

To me, "ick" is when I go to use a public toilet and someone didn't flush. Or if someone sneezed into their hand and then wants to shake MY hand. Or if there's pineapple on pizza. Someone who has different interests or who seems to be on the bland side isn't "icky" to me. 

But...I think he may have sensed your aversion to him, hence the cancellation. So it's good you're off the hook. 

[Amandatorimeating]

Thank you. I think we want what we want, I don't for the best looking, richest or whatever, just someone I feel something about. He may well have been different in person, but the TV is such a minute aspect of it, it's not about how much TV he does or doesn't watch. 

It was just stuff like we didn't seem to have any shared interests. He seemed to have zero curiosity about the world and hadn't even visited the next county along, said he'd never do something like live abroad. I found his attitude to life unattractive, he may have been really funny in person or whatever but I just didn't want that.

He may well have found something off putting about me but I guess that's dating. 

 

[Tinydance]

41 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

Thank you. I think we want what we want, I don't for the best looking, richest or whatever, just someone I feel something about. He may well have been different in person, but the TV is such a minute aspect of it, it's not about how much TV he does or doesn't watch. 

It was just stuff like we didn't seem to have any shared interests. He seemed to have zero curiosity about the world and hadn't even visited the next county along, said he'd never do something like live abroad. I found his attitude to life unattractive, he may have been really funny in person or whatever but I just didn't want that.

He may well have found something off putting about me but I guess that's dating. 

 

Well I actually don't fault you at all for not wanting to meet someone from online and absolutely you don't owe it to anybody. It was just that the way you were talking actually did sound condescending and judgemental. I could feel that tone coming through. Finding a relationship does require an open mind because nobody is perfect. So you aren't really going to find everything in common with any person. 

Also you seem to be really getting ahead of yourself there. You were saying: "Why settle?" But how can you settle when you actually don't know this person at all. You never even met. Nobody is asking you to marry him but just to have a cup of coffee with him. I mean if you have dozens of messages from other guys as well and you seem to have things in common with the other guys then sure, meet the other guys instead.

I also think your standards are maybe a bit too high and only based on yourself. For example, I would definitely visit overseas but I'm not sure that I'd live there. I have a lot of friends and my family where I live and I wouldn't want to be away from them really long. 

Also maybe the guy hasn't watched any shows or movies recently but he's seen some in the past. Maybe he didn't realise that he was really required to give you these answers, otherwise you'd deem him boring. So maybe he said: "Oh I haven't seen anything recently". Doesn't mean he's never seen anything ever. He probably just didn't realise he was being scrutinised and that he was under a microscope to give particular types of answers.

[catfeeder]

54 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

It was just stuff like we didn't seem to have any shared interests. He seemed to have zero curiosity about the world and hadn't even visited the next county ...He may well have found something off putting about me but I guess that's dating. 

Yes, yes. You don't need to justify your intuitions to us, but I think we played devil's advocate well enough for you to see why a committee isn't all that valuable when it comes to your own private dating. None of us are living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

The one caution I'd take from trying to generate much that's valuable through messaging is that it slices both ways. Some people can't message worth a damn, even while they are vibrant personalities in real life, YET! Others can feed you into fantasy-feels, and yet, in person they're a doorstop.

So focus on the dealbreakers that are important to you, then go have a cuppa and see what you think.

Oh, and of course, tell US all about it! 🙂

 

[Amandatorimeating]

I understand what you mean, I really don't think my standards are high, and even if they were then surely that's a good thing.

I really don't see why I was obliged to meet with somebody if I didn't want to? Are you telling me that if you've ever exchanged a few messages with someone, you absolutely must meet them in person under any circumstances?

I didn't like the sound of him, I'm not looking down, I just didn't find him attractive, that's all.

[catfeeder]

Just now, Amandatorimeating said:

I understand what you mean, I really don't think my standards are high, and even if they were then surely that's a good thing.

I really don't see why I was obliged to meet with somebody if I didn't want to? Are you telling me that if you've ever exchanged a few messages with someone, you absolutely must meet them in person under any circumstances?

I didn't like the sound of him, I'm not looking down, I just didn't find him attractive, that's all.

Hi Amanda, to whom is this directed?

[Amandatorimeating]

It's odd how angry some people are getting that I didn't fancy meeting up? We exchanged a few messages and that was it, he's a stranger. Nobody owes anyone anything. 

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I understand what you mean, I really don't think my standards are high, and even if they were then surely that's a good thing.

I really don't see why I was obliged to meet with somebody if I didn't want to? Are you telling me that if you've ever exchanged a few messages with someone, you absolutely must meet them in person under any circumstances?

I didn't like the sound of him, I'm not looking down, I just didn't find him attractive, that's all.

No you don't have to meet him, of course you don't. In my opinion some of your standards actually are high. Like, saying, "He wouldn't live overseas". I don't think it means someone is boring just because they wouldn't live overseas. I'm not saying you need to meet him. You can meet other guys from online if they sounded better to you. But I've just seen people have unrealistic expectations from the get go and they don't end up finding anyone.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

It's odd how angry some people are getting that I didn't fancy meeting up? We exchanged a few messages and that was it, he's a stranger. Nobody owes anyone anything. 

I'm not angry, I don't even know you or him. Makes no difference to me. I was just giving my opinion which I'm allowed to do.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Amandatorimeating said:

It's odd how angry some people are getting that I didn't fancy meeting up? We exchanged a few messages and that was it, he's a stranger. Nobody owes anyone anything. 

It's the Internet, worldwide. Your wide net will always catch some people who've been prematurely rejected, so they get triggered by that, while others have felt pressured to waste countless hours in the company of people who are duds--yet their observations have been negated by overreaching people.

It's a cross-section of the world. We are not unified in our opinions. You can get hung up on that, or you can appreciate the value of your own gut when it comes to your own choices.

You go, sister!

[Amandatorimeating]

Sorry the previous post was to Tiny dance.

[lostandhurt]

 Getting to know a stranger through texting is at best a 50/50 prospect since we all know there is no substance to texting, some people aren't great at texting and misinterpreted things happen all the time.  Heck even the time someone takes to respond is pondered as either a good thing or bad.

 It is your life and you can be as selective (picky is not what you are) about who you want to have in your life.  If you are attracted to a person, would feel safe meeting for a quick coffee and have somewhat similar lives meeting in person is the best way to know for sure one way or the other.  There is nothing like a face to face meeting to get a good read on someone.  Even if they are not for you it helps you sharpen your skills at who to take a chance on.

 Texting has been given way to much weight as a valuable communication tool.

 Lost

[LootieTootie]

Meh its ok. Sounds like you guys only messaged/text a few times... I am a strong believer of going with your gut when you're dating early on. If your gut is telling you that you guys lacked chemistry, its ok not to meet up.

I recalled talking to this guy on the phone, after he messaged me on a dating app. He was good-looking and seemed like a well-rounded person who did a lot of traveling. When I got on the phone with him, I didnt feel any spark during our phone conversation. So I ended the short call saying "I'll text you my availability for a date next week." I did NOT send him any messages and he didnt send me any LOL... I think maybe inside, we both knew we wouldn't work out. 

Don't be hard on yourself... Online dating is already hard as it is. I also think dating should be fun, and if it isn't fun, you probably need to take a break ha. 

 

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Meh its ok. Sounds like you guys only messaged/text a few times... I am a strong believer of going with your gut when you're dating early on. If your gut is telling you that you guys lacked chemistry, its ok not to meet up.

I recalled talking to this guy on the phone, after he messaged me on a dating app. He was good-looking and seemed like a well-rounded person who did a lot of traveling. When I got on the phone with him, I didnt feel any spark during our phone conversation. So I ended the short call saying "I'll text you my availability for a date next week." I did NOT send him any messages and he didnt send me any LOL... I think maybe inside, we both knew we wouldn't work out. 

Don't be hard on yourself... Online dating is already hard as it is. I also think dating should be fun, and if it isn't fun, you probably need to take a break ha. 

 

 

Same situation several times when I was on dating sites - and it's one of the reasons I insisted on a phone call -like the guy who gave me his cell -I called him likely later that day and he answered with WHO GAVE YOU THIS NUMBER??? (turned out um maybe his divorce from his so called green card marriage wasn't quite the situation)