Does he like more than a booty call?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

so that’s where I’m at. If it weren’t for the fact that I wanted sex and affection I probably wouldn’t bother at all. 

Decide whether you want sex so much that you're sacrificing your emotional health and risking pregnancy and STDS? He's not showing you the right kind of affection and you're not showing yourself the right kind of affection.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

If I lose the weight and get my stuff together I’ll find a guy. But I know he won’t love me unconditionally. 

The point is to respect and love yourself. 

[Jaunty]

What you just posted is an example of you gaslighting YOURSELF with several meaningless circular arguments.

What does your weight have to do with this?  Evidently you're sexually attractive, since you have a FWB.   If you want to lose weight that's a choice for you to make for yourself.   

The other stuff - the "hot mess" aspect - yes, you will be doing yourself a favor to take care of that before trying to develop a relationship.  Healthy people tend to seek other healthy people who have their s*** together at least to a reasonable extent.  You want to be with a healthy person and have a strong relationship, I hope anyway.

I don't think that most successful relationships are examples of "unconditional love" as you are understanding it.   There are always conditions involved when it comes to deciding to share your life with someone.  You might have unconditional love for someone within you, but being able to share lives will always include conditions.   The exceptions to this are generally parents with their children.   

[Dandelionspring]

16 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

What you just posted is an example of you gaslighting YOURSELF with several meaningless circular arguments.

What does your weight have to do with this?  Evidently you're sexually attractive, since you have a FWB.   If you want to lose weight that's a choice for you to make for yourself.   

The other stuff - the "hot mess" aspect - yes, you will be doing yourself a favor to take care of that before trying to develop a relationship.  Healthy people tend to seek other healthy people who have their s*** together at least to a reasonable extent.  You want to be with a healthy person and have a strong relationship, I hope anyway.

I don't think that most successful relationships are examples of "unconditional love" as you are understanding it.   There are always conditions involved when it comes to deciding to share your life with someone.  You might have unconditional love for someone within you, but being able to share lives will always include conditions.   The exceptions to this are generally parents with their children.   

That’s fair. 
 

Actually I was in love with a hot mess but that did not work out. 
 

so yeah it’s true. A healthy person would want another healthy person. 
 

I guess a healthy guy would still love me if I had bad breath or gained ten pounds or had a bad day. 
 

but a healthy guy would leave me if I was emotionally abusive or refused to be healthy or something. 
 

I guess that’s reasonable. 
 

So I guess I should lose weight and stop being depressed and doing nothing. Because I guess a healthy guy wouldn’t want that. Which explains why I’m single. 

[MissCanuck]

Is that why you are so desperate to hang on to this guy? 

Because you think you weigh too much for anyone else to be attracted to you? 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

So I guess I should lose weight and stop being depressed and doing nothing. Because I guess a healthy guy wouldn’t want that. Which explains why I’m single. 

I mean, you problem isnt that you cant attract the guy. Your problem is that you are a mess and attract the guys who are also one. 

The same that you said goes for you too. Healthy person who wants a real relationship wouldnt accept sex arrangement from a guy that wants nothing to do with her. It goes both ways. 

I think the crux of it is your mental state. And that therapy would help that. Dunno about weight issues, lots of women just believe that they are fat even though they just gain few pounds. If you think your weight is not healthy or you think you would feel better, sure, do that also. 

[Dandelionspring]

The weight is just a symptom. But yes it doesn’t help and is just another reason. But my mental state is the main thing. 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

If I lose the weight and get my stuff together I’ll find a guy. But I know he won’t love me unconditionally. It’s like a business arrangement. 

This makes no sense. You've bought into some kind of 'unconditional' fantasy as though a partner 'should' be willing to sign on as your parent. Self-respecting people respect themselves enough to walk away from abusive or substance abusing partners, or any other kind of partner that harms them or themselves or their children or the peaceful and loving future they envision for themselves. They also respect their partners enough to trust that their partner would not place those kinds of demands on them.

Want unconditional love? Get a puppy. Want a real life relationship? Learn how to negotiate disagreements, because no thinking person is going to step up to be another's 'unconditional' doormat. And this is true for all of us, not just you--it's a level playing field. Hot mess? Plenty of us have overcome that, so it's reasonable to expect of yourself. Grow and develop into the kind of person that would attract the kind of healthy and loving partner you would want for yourself. That's not transactional. Love starts with The Self.

[boltnrun]

You seem to subscribe to the belief that "he should love me the way I am!!" But YOU don't seem to love you.

How can someone else be expected to just accept and love the things YOU don't love about yourself?

[Dandelionspring]

You all are right. I’m just starting to get it. 

[ShySoul]

On 2/22/2024 at 3:49 PM, Dandelionspring said:

I want to be loved unconditionally though. Even if I am a hot mess. But the reality is no one wants a hot mess. 

Here's a secret I've figured out in life.... everyone is a hot mess. Everyone carries their own baggage and past trauma. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves or things they wish they could change. No one is perfect. So no one is really alone in having issues. The key is how we respond with it. The unhealthy attitude is to blame yourself and deem yourself unworthy. Or the unhealthy attitude is the opposite, blaming everyone else and deluding yourself into thinking you are the victim. The healthy choice is to be fair, recognizing both your strengths and weaknesses, congratulating yourself when you do something good but admitting when you need to work on something. 

On 2/22/2024 at 3:49 PM, Dandelionspring said:

But I know he won’t love me unconditionally. It’s like a business arrangement. 

Don't lose hope. There are guys who do love unconditionally, who will accept a person for who they are. They might seem rare, but that just makes them all the more special. As a guy who has struggled with many of the same thoughts, all I can say is you're not alone. But you can't give up. First, love yourself. At the end of the day we have to look ourselves in the mirror and be happy with who we are. And I, for one, think there is an awesome person inside you. So believe that for yourself. And second, keep the faith. One day a better love will be yours.

[Dandelionspring]

I didn’t text him all day for the first time. He didn’t text me either. What a shock. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

I didn’t text him all day for the first time. He didn’t text me either. What a shock. 

Why a shock -maybe he was with his partner/spouse or he didn't feel like having sex with you that day so why be in touch?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

I didn’t text him all day for the first time. He didn’t text me either. What a shock. 

You already knew he wouldn't. 

It's a waste of time to hang around and hope something changes here. It won't. It's up to you how much more time you want to spend on a dead-end. 

[Jaunty]

It's like you have a car, but there is no battery in the car.  Yet, every day, you go out, get in the car, and try to start it.  It never starts, because it has no battery.  You know this, but you keep getting up in the morning and going out to see if the car will finally start (with no battery) today.

Way to waste your life.

[Dandelionspring]

I haven’t contacted him for 2 whole days. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

I haven’t contacted him for 2 whole days. 

That's not a long time at all.  Are you planning to contact him again when you feel like meeting up to have sex?

[Sindy_0311]

 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not a long time at all.  Are you planning to contact him again when you feel like meeting up to have sex?

I guess he will contact her because he knows he has complete access to her. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I guess he will contact her because he knows he has complete access to her. 

Yes when he feels like having sex -she'd mentioned she didn't check into whether he is married so perhaps he's busy with another gal and/or his partner.

[Dandelionspring]

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Dandelionspring said:

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag. 

If you doubt, why not deleting his phone number? 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag. 

If so then don’t have sex with him - why risk it ? What do you want to keep up - meeting up to be one of the bunch ? There’s no hopefully - totally within your control whether to reach out. 

[Jaunty]

39 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

 Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again.

"Hope" has nothing to do with this.  You are the master of your own will. 

39 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

 He’s a sleeze bag. 

Why do you enjoy debasing yourself to someone you think so poorly of?  At least pick out some kind of godlike fellow. 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. 

One step at a time. Use this time to straighten out whatever "hot mess" you were referring to and setting goals for a better life and better relationships. 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag. 

Why not just block? Why not get rid of his number?  YOU are in control and you have the power in your own hands.  No excuses.  Reaching out to him again - that's on you. Why would you want to be involved with a "sleeze bag" in the first place?  Again, your choice, so you can't put the blame on him (imo)..