LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[RN4L_1969]

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I see nothing wrong with going about your life, and if she steps up to reschedule, you’ll have that answer. If not, then you’ll have that answer.

You can mind-spin about this, instead, if you want to. It just seems like a lot of work.

I have my answer.....and true, it was a lot of unnecessary work as I look back over this brief period of time...

[boltnrun]

I don't know if you remember Whirling's long thread but he tried to force a relationship with an incompatible woman out of loneliness and frustration with being single for a long time. He even convinced himself he "loved" this woman. Of course he got attached due to spending time together but it was glaringly obvious they were a mismatch. And he went through a painful breakup because he didn't want to recognize that he and this woman just weren't right for one another.

Trying to force a mismatch or to feel something you just don't feel because you're tired of being single is worse than just being single. At least you have the potential to meet the right one when you're single, right?

[Jaunty]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know if you remember Whirling's long thread but he tried to force a relationship with an incompatible woman out of loneliness and frustration with being single for a long time.

I was just thinking of how this reminded me of Whirling and his situation.

[RN4L_1969]

20 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Absolutely!

"Abundance" defined as you have many options, even if/when you choose to not act on those options. 

It's simply valuing yourself and knowing you're a great catch and when one door closes, there is another one ready to be opened.

If/when one doesn't "click," move on to next just as @MrMan1983stated, and that logic is not flawed in the least imo, its spot on!

@RN4L_1969if I may ask, why are you holding so tightly to this one girl and one situation?  By your own admission, you don't feel that 'click' with her, that somethin somethin that cannot even be defined imo.  You're either 'feeling it' or you're not.  And admittedly you're not and never really were from what I've read.

Is it ego?  You're unable to accept defeat (for lack of a better word)?  What is it?  She's occupying way WAY too much space in your brain for what this was. 

My read on her fwiw is she does have that abundance mindset, she has options and she acts on those options.

She's multi-dating, her "girls night out" last Friday or even the date Saturday she canceled may have been another date. 

She has a "take it or leave it" attitude and if YOU chase, she will check her busy calendar and if she's free for you to take her out, she'll go.  If something better comes along in the meantime, she'll cancel. 

Of course I'm speculating but I know many women like her especially on the apps, I read and hear about it all the time.  

My advice?  Let it fade out, there's nothing there.  

JMO as always. 

 

 

I completely agree with your assessment. At first I was trying to give it a little more time to really see what's up with this, (again me being analytical); but at the end of the day as I look back on this short-lived ride, (well not really), I can see this was time wasted, not quite 100%, but I still felt it was fair to give it a chance...but I could have cut my loses a lot earlier...lesson learned though. So I'm letting it fade...

As far as the "abundance" logic, I may have to look at that. I mentioned I like to focus on one person at a time, but look what happened? And maybe I "lost" out on a potential person since I narrowed my exploration to just one at a time. Hmm IDK, but I may be flexible if it does come my way? Meaning I probably won't be "actively" looking while I'm "talking" to someone, but if I'm getting pinged at the same time...I don't think it'll hurt to take a peak... 

You've got great insight 🙂

 

 

[Starlight925]

2 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 I can see this was time wasted, not quite 100%, but I still felt it was fair to give it a chance...but I could have cut my loses a lot earlier...lesson learned though. So I'm letting it fade...

As far as the "abundance" logic, I may have to look at that. I mentioned I like to focus on one person at a time, but look what happened? And maybe I "lost" out on a potential person since I narrowed my exploration to just one at a time.

 

 

I've loved reading your thread, and I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on both bolded points!  😄

This was not time wasted.  Time wasted would have been if she had lied to you, if she had stood you up and you continued to try, etc.  

You gave this an honest effort, with honest feelings, and that is time well spent.

I also think you didn't lose out by focusing on one person, as you could have had multiple dates going, and it would have taken you longer to figure out that Ms. Sniffles isn't the one.

I do believe we have to have some sort of chemistry, attraction, that thought of when will we kiss?  Or holding hands gives you an electrical charge.  This was lackluster, it lacked the energy you are looking for.  No shame in that.

 

[RN4L_1969]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know if you remember Whirling's long thread but he tried to force a relationship with an incompatible woman out of loneliness and frustration with being single for a long time. He even convinced himself he "loved" this woman. Of course he got attached due to spending time together but it was glaringly obvious they were a mismatch. And he went through a painful breakup because he didn't want to recognize that he and this woman just weren't right for one another.

Trying to force a mismatch or to feel something you just don't feel because you're tired of being single is worse than just being single. At least you have the potential to meet the right one when you're single, right?

Agree...well said...

[RN4L_1969]

So we've been back and forth this week with the boring texts of how was your day and how was your night and what did you eat for dinner...blah blah...

...but I was waiting for something? A lead, a hook, you know, to see if she desired to meet again? Nope...pretty much what I figured and expected, especially if she's using the "optional abundance" approach as well...and I'm on a rotating rolodex...not for me.

This was her latest text to me...and I had told her I was going out of town next week to be with my son/granddaughter)

"...Hope the rest of the week goes good for you and ya have a good time next week in AZ. Good Night...."

😐 (this was me after reading it...then I went to bed...)

I gave it a shot, probably hung in there longer than I should have since I never really had that "spark" in the first place...but I will revert and remember @boltnrun latest reply on forced-mismatch...

Hopefully it won't be too much time before I take y'all on another journey; since I do appreciate all of the advice, encouragement and thoughts from everyone - and I'll definitely be using these new set of tools with my next adventure...

 Ah well...back into the Matrix to find my Trinity 💨

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

As far as the "abundance" logic, I may have to look at that. I mentioned I like to focus on one person at a time, but look what happened? And maybe I "lost" out on a potential person since I narrowed my exploration to just one at a time.

^^Hmm, please read my post again.  You can still date one-at-a-time if that's your style, it's my style as well, assuming we click!  (i.e. feel a romantic spark mutually).  If there is no click, it's a next.  And typically very quickly, for me.

An abundance mindset is simply knowing you have options even if you don't choose to act on those options because you have met someone you click with and want to focus on that person to see where it where lead.

May last a day, a week, a month, a year or forever!

Point is when you know you have options, you won't need to continue dating someone you clearly do NOT click with or are compatible with because there is no one else and you're lonely.  You simply wish them well and move on to your potential next person. 

JMO, but this entire time, since you were uncertain about her from the beginning, it would have been wise for you to continue meeting women on the app and chatting.  You chose to focus only on her while SHE on the other hand, continued to act on her options (most likely).

It was unbalanced and a complete mismatch.

As I and others have said, you cannot 'force a feeling,' that is not how feelings and emotions work.  The "feeling," the energy/chemistry between you is either there or not, there is no rhyme or reason to it, it's not based on anything tangible imo, it's one of those unexplainable forces of life that no one has ever found the explanation for nor ever will imo.

Many people think it's based on compatibility, I don't.

Friends are compatible too, can get on extremely well, laugh, have fun, have deep conversations but yet there is no "romantic spark" between them..

Romantic chemistry is just one of those intangible things that's either there between you or not, I have given up trying to understand it. 

All the best moving forward!  😀

 

[boltnrun]

It seemed to me the fact you were assigning her all sorts of nefarious motivations (even now, with you assuming she has other men "on the hook" and that's why she isn't acting enthusiastically toward you) means you have been looking for an escape route all along but felt you "should" keep trying. Perhaps because of the sunk cost fallacy? Maybe you don't like to be "wrong" or make a "mistake"? Maybe you don't think you'll have another opportunity to meet a good woman? I don't know. 

It's fine to decide someone isn't right for you. And it can be as simple as that. Don't hang on just because you think there might not be anyone better for you out there. That's my advice.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I completely agree with your assessment. At first I was trying to give it a little more time to really see what's up with this, (again me being analytical); but at the end of the day as I look back on this short-lived ride, (well not really), I can see this was time wasted, not quite 100%, but I still felt it was fair to give it a chance...but I could have cut my loses a lot earlier...lesson learned though. So I'm letting it fade...

As far as the "abundance" logic, I may have to look at that. I mentioned I like to focus on one person at a time, but look what happened? And maybe I "lost" out on a potential person since I narrowed my exploration to just one at a time. Hmm IDK, but I may be flexible if it does come my way? Meaning I probably won't be "actively" looking while I'm "talking" to someone, but if I'm getting pinged at the same time...I don't think it'll hurt to take a peak... 

You've got great insight 🙂

 

 

But what is talking ? Or meeting a stranger in person? You’re going to give up potential opportunities because you’re bantering with a strneger or meeting a stranger for coffee? Free country and all but … if you’re going to take a “peek” that to me is no different from keeping options open. I dated a man who agreed to exclusivity if we had sex but wanted  to be able to meet a woman “for coffee”. I said NO. He agreed. I regret all of it. Once he said that I knew he wasn’t interested in being exclusive generally - sexual monogamy / not yet in love - if ever - which was against my personal standards. But if a man had insisted I date or try to date only him because we talked or met I’d have also said no. One man did. I said no. We’ve been good buddies for 19 years now and he does IT work for us. 
 

Absolutely you do you but if you’re “taking a peek” you’re keeping your options open. I think it’s a great idea never to put all your eggs in one basket esrly on if you’re middle aged and looking for long term. My middle aged friend has been serious with her SO for almost 2 years. They met on a dating site. She’s just lovely.

I know she dated a number of men after her divorce before meeting him and I know it was hard to find that connection even though - not sure if this makes sense - she’s all around “normal” and a good person and attractive (and divorced with two teenagers ) 

As I’ve written I would have missed out on my husband if I’d said no to meeting him for a platonic dinner because I was dating someone - had been out a few times and yes it was platonic the first time - and also the second time - but second time was Saturday night dinner and theater. Had I been only dating one person at a time meeting a man for that sort of evening would have at least an  inappropriate. 

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

So we've been back and forth this week with the boring texts of how was your day and how was your night and what did you eat for dinner...blah blah...

This is always a one way ticket to mutual boredom/the fizzle regardless of how the dates go, would definitely avoid getting into this style of texting and do it with more of a purpose in future situations eg. exchange the odd interesting text but try to use it for setting a date and save the convo for then. Amount of times I’ve fallen into this trap in the past with textaholics and it always leads to one outcome - them or you getting bored or over analysing text messages when it slows down.  

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

This was her latest text to me...and I had told her I was going out of town next week to be with my son/granddaughter)

"...Hope the rest of the week goes good for you and ya have a good time next week in AZ. Good Night...."

Not sure if this is gonna make much sense, but to me it's not even about the actual words she used, because had you been into her @RN4L_1969, and felt a mutual "spark" with her, you might have read (interpreted) those words a completely different way.... from the "meh" (yawn) way you interpreted them.

Also, and I think I mentioned earlier in the thread, you can take those same exact words and change their entire meaning with different punctuation and emojis.

Same words....

"...Hope the rest of the week goes good for you!!  Have a good time next week in AZ. 🙂 Good Night...."😉

A simple exclamation point and a wink at the end might have made all the difference. But perhaps she just doesn't have a bubbly, enthusiastic personality in general which YOU like and need, which is OK!

In any event, there doesn't appear to be much happening by way of chemistry or any romantic feeling whatsoever so best to let it go or simply carry on with life and if she reaches out and suggests another date, see how you feel then?

Nothing to lose by doing that....

 

 

 

 

[RN4L_1969]

8 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I've loved reading your thread, and I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on both bolded points!  😄

This was not time wasted.  Time wasted would have been if she had lied to you, if she had stood you up and you continued to try, etc.  

You gave this an honest effort, with honest feelings, and that is time well spent.

I also think you didn't lose out by focusing on one person, as you could have had multiple dates going, and it would have taken you longer to figure out that Ms. Sniffles isn't the one.

I do believe we have to have some sort of chemistry, attraction, that thought of when will we kiss?  Or holding hands gives you an electrical charge.  This was lackluster, it lacked the energy you are looking for.  No shame in that.

 

I like this...thank you 🙂

[RN4L_1969]

I just want to make a small clarification so I'm not misunderstood. Besides taking the great advice given here, I do plan on tweaking my approach a little with seeking an interest now, (besides shelling out $50 to the date site master for a mere 30 days), that I want to run by you all...

I want to keep my options open until I acquire that unicorn of a “spark”, capture the unknown, the romantic mystery, the unexplained phenomenon that we all seek…It could be several dates with one woman, or several dates with 5 women, all at the same time, (that’s going to be hell to juggle but…); and, mind you, still entertain those emails that come in…there still might be that gem there too…I don’t want to miss out.

From what I’ve absorbed over these last two weeks from all the wisdom here and the experience I’ve had…I think this is the best balance to have IMHO. Basically I will make a commitment to ONE person and ONE person only when it’s right; and seeing/going on dates/talking to multiple women is just the experience and wonder of possibly connecting with another human being at a deeper level, where it only takes the “One” to make it seem almost unreal. With this scenario there hasn’t been any commitment yet. To me, it’s all good until there’s a solid understanding that we want to be exclusive, (yes, the ‘official’ talk, lol). And yes, this is the change I’m talking about making from what I used to do which was isolate my experience to one at a time…

I guess the analogy that comes to mind is looking for that perfect seashell on the beach. They’re all unique and beautiful in their own way, but only ONE will mesmerize me into love…that…will be my Trinity.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I guess the analogy that comes to mind is looking for that perfect seashell on the beach. They’re all unique and beautiful in their own way, but only ONE will mesmerize me into love…that…will be my Trinity.

Except with a person it often takes months to see if the spark translates into long term compatibility and sparking can be based on lots of things including infatuation/looks etc so I think it also matters about why the spark -what is it based on -that she cancelled because of sniffles and now she's valuable? I have artwork painted by a relative that is like the seashell example - I get that and I know the artist and when I saw his works -that was The One. It kind of even goes deeper because I know him if that makes sense.

[Andrina]

I did OLD in the past, and was all for multi-dating when it was just those one or two dates with each. But when it got to the point I liked someone so much that we were making out, going on dates with anyone else stopped. I preferred dating men who were on the same page, and if they weren't, I no longer dated them. I liked the idea of focusing on one person without the distraction of others, even if on the fourth or fifth date it ended. I didn't expect forever because that of course is unknown at that early point. But it was in my comfort zone to not be making out with John and then the next day he had a date with Sue who he was also making out with. Not for me.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I want to keep my options open until I acquire that unicorn of a “spark”, capture the unknown, the romantic mystery, looking for that perfect seashell on the beach. They’re all unique and beautiful in their own way, but only ONE will mesmerize me into love…

Of course you want someone you're attracted to, but unicorns and seashells is simply avoiding dating and looking for unrealistic highs to jump-start yourself and your loneliness. Almost like looking for princess charming to carry you away from your life in a magical coach. 

[waffle]

OLD ain't a Disney movie.  Far from it.

[reinventmyself]

I did my fair share of OLD and in the beginning years I focused on one person at a time.  It's not in my nature to juggle and nor did I have the time and energy to do so.

At some point I took a break and came back deciding to try to talk to a few men at a time.  There was always one that I liked more than the other but keeping my options open and continually moving forward was a game changer for me.  I was not invested in any outcome and I learned if one didn't work out another would be coming down the line.  Surprisingly it changed my energy and I felt more confident in dates and much more relaxed.  That in itself likely made me more attractive.

I've read your entire journey and though there is some definite validity to what you describe as a lack of chemistry.  But I can't help but wonder if this is a defense mechanism on your part.  

[RN4L_1969]

On 2/9/2024 at 7:38 AM, Andrina said:

I did OLD in the past, and was all for multi-dating when it was just those one or two dates with each. But when it got to the point I liked someone so much that we were making out, going on dates with anyone else stopped. I preferred dating men who were on the same page, and if they weren't, I no longer dated them. I liked the idea of focusing on one person without the distraction of others, even if on the fourth or fifth date it ended. I didn't expect forever because that of course is unknown at that early point. But it was in my comfort zone to not be making out with John and then the next day he had a date with Sue who he was also making out with. Not for me.

As mentioned here...you would never know that though....

Like I mentioned I did that too, (focusing only on Ms. Sniffles...even with the assumption she were most likely kissing John, Jake and Joe too, (which is totally her own business since we were only casually talking).

So now I'm goin to expand my dating options...only in the beginning though, to see how things fare. I may even go back to focusing on one at a time if it doesn't work for me...

[rainbowsandroses]

@RN4L_1969I think what @Andrinawas referring to and I'm the same is we make the decision to focus on one at a time, when it's obvious there is a mutual spark and something is definitely happening between us. 

Often for me (and him), that happened on first date. It's an energy, a chemistry that again is obvious!  To both of us! 

It doesn't happen often but when it did, that is when the focus changes and you choose to focus on only each other to see where it will lead. 

In your case, that energy/chemistry, "spark" was not there, it was never there, mutual or otherwise from what you've posted. 

So imo it was a mistake to focus on just her.  SHE wasn't focused on just you, so it was unbalanced.

I believe in multi-dating until you meet that special someone with whom you feel a mutual chemistry and spark. 

For me, once that happens I have no desire to meet anyone else.  I focus on just us to see where it will lead, if anywhere.

May last a week, a month, a year, 20 years, for me there is no point in tossing others in the mix when I'm clear about my own feelings and his as well, typically.

As 'genuine' chemistry between two people (beyond the superficial) is typically mutual imo and experience.  And quite obvious to both of us when it happens.

Try and detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey.  That was/is always my motto.  Always.

Even with my boyfriend now and we have confirmed we are exclusive and pretty much always were, I still remain detached from the outcome - what will happen tomorrow or whenever.

We live in the present moment and are enjoying the journey, letting things develop organically in their natural course. 

Hope that makes sense! 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

On 2/9/2024 at 11:38 AM, reinventmyself said:

...There was always one that I liked more than the other but keeping my options open and continually moving forward was a game changer for me.  I was not invested in any outcome and I learned if one didn't work out another would be coming down the line.  Surprisingly it changed my energy and I felt more confident in dates and much more relaxed.  That in itself likely made me more attractive.

This is the best description I've read of that balanced sweet spot, where you're not focused on quantity or dehumanizing anyone, but you're also not stressed by hyper-focusing on one person as though every sentence either of you might utter must have make-or-break implications.

When you can relax into being yourself while grabbing a coffee with a few strangers over the course of a week or month, you won't lose sight of the fact that the 'Real You' is the person you're trying to match--not "your representative..." (Chris Rock). So it's not about trying to impress people, it's about learning whether you might gel well enough to both want to play in the same sandbox. If not, no harm, no foul. There needn't be anything 'wrong' with them if they just aren't the right romantic match for you.

There are no judges or juries in our love lives, so there are no 'shoulds'. Gone are the days of high school friends who try to talk us into 'liking' someone they'd prefer for us. Nobody else gets a vote. It's all subjective, so skip the committees and just keep meeting the nice people until you strike simpatico. EnjOy!

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

So now I'm goin to expand my dating options...only in the beginning though, to see how things fare. I may even go back to focusing on one at a time if it doesn't work for me...

I mean, whatever works for you. But people who arent comfortable with multi-dating just arent comfortable with it and there is not too much change there. Same with people who arent comfortable with monogamous relationships. They can even get married but that feeling that something is missing is still there. If you arent fine with dating multiple people, you just arent. No ammount of trying would make you that. But you are free to explore your options for sure. Since this is really going nowhere.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Same with people who arent comfortable with monogamous relationships. They can even get married but that feeling that something is missing is still there. If you arent fine with dating multiple people, you just arent.

I was comfortable with multi dating, but not casual sex and focused intently on marriage to the right person -not just sexual monogamy.  To me not putting all my eggs in one basket early on was far different from not wanting to have an "open" relationship once there was serious potential for the future.  I know people who aren't comfortable with multidating because that often means sex with more than one person at a time -they are not  comfortable waiting to have sex.  There are many permutations when it comes to comfort! The OP is older, isn't looking necessarily for marriage or marriage right away so it makes perfect sense not to put in the extra effort to multidate/keep meeting people!

I am Ms. Sniffles today -first cold in 8 months and I know for sure if I'd had plans today I'd have cancelled and wouldn't have wanted to reschedule until at least next week.  But I also know  if I cared I would have wanted to reschedule ASAP , even for a week in advance.  That's just me.

[catfeeder]

37 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, whatever works for you. But people who arent comfortable with multi-dating just arent comfortable with it and there is not too much change there. Same with people who arent comfortable with monogamous relationships. They can even get married but that feeling that something is missing is still there. If you arent fine with dating multiple people, you just arent. No ammount of trying would make you that. But you are free to explore your options for sure. Since this is really going nowhere.

A split down the middle would be 'meeting' multiple people over coffee to learn which one you'd like to date to get to know better. Yet, you can continue to keep meeting people--what's a quick coffee now and then?

This way, if that person doesn't work out after a date or two, you may have already met the next person you'd want to ask out, OR, you may meet them the next day or week because you keep setting up meets.

And yes, the reverse could also be true. You could meet a second person you'd like to date while you're still dating the first. Then you can cross that bridge IF you ever come to it. (Sounds like an okay problem to have.)