Is it healthy to care for someone more than you care for yourself?

[Tpalm641]

So I'm in a relationship for about 5 years now. I love her very much and wanted to move in with her for a long time. We both suffer from anxiety and depression issues. My anxiety is far more severe than hers in my opinion. Due to my anxiety I have been very absent in her families life and for social events. I have no friends myself btw. Due to this she decided to move further away and find her own place. She kept it secret from me till she was one week away from moving due to the fact I believe she knew i wanted to move with her but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Her reasoning was my lack of participating in her families life. Which I totally understand. I'm trying to work on my anxiety issues and see someone to help with it. We have talked a lot and I have blamed myself for all of it. I constantly apologize and tell her I will change in order to make things work. I have apologized a million times and she has given me multiple warnings I have one more chance. Also if I don't change it's over. I have noticed when she makes mistakes in the relationship she never really likes to talk about it. She will also acts very nice to me when she knows she's done wrong. Her family also seems to blame me and tell my gf to find someone else. The reason I take responsibility or dont call her out when she does wrong is cause she is very sensitive and she tends to shut down. Also the same reason we don't have conversations about any of our problems. So I try to protect her by blaming myself alot even when I feel it's not all my fault. The question I have is it wrong to take full responsibility for what happened? Should I take responsibility in order to protect someone you love? Also is this just a part of who I am not being as social and therefore should I change that?

 

thank you

[Batya33]

Why do you have to be particularly social to attend family events and show up? Can't you just show up, be polite, perhaps help with set up and or clean up if it's at someone's house? You don't need to go to all events. Is there a particular issue between you and certain of her family members? Obviously she's fed up with you making empty promises.  

Your general questions are -very general. It sounds like you and your partner don't have enough common interests and values for a future.  There are certainly people who rarely see their families and are not as focused on socializing -that type of person might be better for you in a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Tpalm641 said:

. Her reasoning was my lack of participating in her families life. she has given me multiple warnings I have one more chance. Also if I don't change it's over... Her family also seems to blame me and tell my gf to find someone else. 

Sorry this is happening. It's not about who's right, who's wrong, who "calls out" whom etc.  There's no one to blame here. 

Unfortunately you're incompatible. She's apparently more extroverted and close to her family and you seem to have such severe social anxiety that this isn't working for either of you. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Your withdrawal and isolation is creating problems for you and in the relationship. Please don't change for her. Just focus on feeling better. 

It's understandable her family thinks you're bringing her down by withdrawing and isolating. However please take care of yourself.

Apologizing for your depression, anxiety and mental health isn't necessary but not doing anything about it for years isn't helping.  This isn't a who's right who's wrong situation. 

She simply doesn't want to live with you or further the relationship because of incompatibilities as far as your social participation with her family. 

[catfeeder]

It’s not about blame, it’s about whether two people are happy with one another, or not. Whoever is least invested in the relationship and is willing to walk away has the most power, because it only takes one person to end the thing.

If she’s made it clear what she wants from you, and you get to decide whether you want to go along with that. If so, then do so rather than make empty promises. Otherwise, spare yourself the hassle and embarrassment, and find a partner who is more in sync with how you want to live your life.

[Capricorn3]

 I second Wiseman's post above in its entirety.  Totally nailed it and nothing further to add.  OP, please read that post several times and really absorb it.  You really need to take care of your mental health - the sooner the better.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Tpalm641 said:

The reason I take responsibility or dont call her out when she does wrong is cause she is very sensitive and she tends to shut down. Also the same reason we don't have conversations about any of our problems.

If you can't have conversations about problems, then you can't resolve those problems, so your relationship is dead in the water.

People who care stick around to resolve problems and wait for improvements. I guess you didn't resolve them on her personal deadline, or she no longer cares if you improved and bailed without breaking up, thinking there will be less drama and she will be far away and when reality hits that it's a breakup, she can block and delete.

Though you love her, realize when she won't engage in a discussion when you have a problem with her behavior, this is a puzzle with missing pieces that can never be solved.

[Cherylyn]

 

It's very difficult if not impossible to change from being an introvert to an extrovert.  Or, from preferring to be alone than attend social gatherings where you'll be uncomfortable.  Not everyone enjoys small talk and social settings.  A lot of people find it agonizing.  ☹️

It's alarming that she concealed information from you which is not different than lying to you or deceitful behavior.  She didn't tell you that she'll move farther way until one week away from move in date.  I wouldn't trust her integrity if I were you.  😒

Don't constantly apologize for your personality.  She should accept how you are or choose a man who has no qualms socializing with her family. 

More red flags are her pinging you every single time you do something wrong whereas whenever she's at fault,  she has zero remorse nor gives you a sincere apology. 

You both need new partners.  This will not work. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well what is her expectations of your involvement with her family? What does she want you to do? I think people can have different ideas of what they want from their partner in regards to getting involved with their family.

For example, my belief is you don't really have to be besties with the family or spend a lot of time with them. But you have to he polite and friendly and attend some family events. This is just my belief but if I don't like some of my partner's family members (it's always for a good reason) then I'm not going to contact those people much.  I don't think I should be forced to act overly friendly when it's not coming naturally to me towards certain people. But I will always be polite, smile and have a chat. I will come to the big family events like someone's Birthday, Christmas, Easter. If I like the person I might reach out to them just to say hi. But if I don't then I won't. 

In my opinion if someone just makes polite small talk that's fine. I don't care if my partner isn't close to my family and I would prefer they didn't expect that from me either. Like, if I'm connecting on its own with someone then sure. But I don't think someone should have the expectation or pressure their partner to get close to their family just because it's their family. I think all that is required is politeness and showing *some* interest.

However if for example you never attended any family events in five years and barely spoke to any of them then that's different. If you basically had zero interaction with them then that's another story.

[Tpalm641]

So realistically I've been there for some family events not all. She has a very interactive family they are together alot. For me I'd say I'd be over there once or twice every few weeks. But they get together at least once or twice a week. I've been invited many times and haven't come and that's on me but I've also not come when I didnt think of know if I was invited and they didn't like that either. I discussed with her father and he said if she is invited I'm invited which makes it clearer but I still feel like the damage is done and they dont like me. I feel like it's awkward cause I know they don't like me now but I'm trying to change and better myself.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

So realistically I've been there for some family events not all. She has a very interactive family they are together alot. For me I'd say I'd be over there once or twice every few weeks. But they get together at least once or twice a week. I've been invited many times and haven't come and that's on me but I've also not come when I didnt think of know if I was invited and they didn't like that either. I discussed with her father and he said if she is invited I'm invited which makes it clearer but I still feel like the damage is done and they dont like me. I feel like it's awkward cause I know they don't like me now but I'm trying to change and better myself.

We aren’t the ones who can tell you the criteria of your partner, only she can do that. Get answers from her about exactly what she wants from you. From there, you can decide whether you want to try to live up to that or not. If not, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you’ll need to move on, improve your life to the degree that you can be happy, and from there you can seek the right match for you—someone who can view you through the right lens and love you for exactly who you are.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

So realistically I've been there for some family events not all. She has a very interactive family they are together a lot. For me I'd say I'd be over there once or twice every few weeks. But they get together at least once or twice a week. I've been invited many times and haven't come and that's on me but I've also not come when I didn't think of know if I was invited and they didn't like that either. I discussed with her father and he said if she is invited I'm invited which makes it clearer but I still feel like the damage is done and they don't like me. I feel like it's awkward cause I know they don't like me now but I'm trying to change and better myself.

Too much togetherness is smothered suffocation.  Once or twice a week every few weeks is above and beyond.  Being together twice a week with her family is too much.  You have every right to decline since you already see them enough as it is. 

If they don't like you because you don't acquiesce,  that's their problem,  not yours. 

As mentioned previously,  you need a serious talk with your girlfriend regarding her decision not to tell you about her move farther away until a week before move in AND her refusal to humbly admit fault and offer you a genuine apology when you're owed one.   Do not ignore otherwise these problems will balloon in no time. 

[MissCanuck]

If she secretly planned a move and didn't tell you until 1 week before it happened, then this relationship is already over. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Is it healthy to care for someone more than you care for yourself?

Lots of people puts somebody else needs above themselves. For example, that is often parent- child relationship. And where parent loves their child unconditionally and would put childs needs above.

Problem with you is that you are putting the needs of somebody who kept a secret that she will move away from you. She willingly planned to move, kept it a secret from you and did it. And what did you do? Said how its your fault and moved on with a person who is like that. That is not healthy at all. What she did was a grounds for breaking up. Not only that she didnt wanted to live with you but did it all in secret. And yet you stayed in something so toxic. You dont have to visit her family. You know why? Because her family doesnt respect you and actively working against you. You are in no obligation to socialize with somebody like that. And she should understand that. But she doesnt. Probably because branch doesnt fall far enough from the tree.

Break up. Get to therapy and work on your issues. If you are an introvert, and want to socialize, you can work on that. But forcing yourself to do that for somebody who doesnt even respect you to tell you how she moves away is not a solution. 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

So realistically I've been there for some family events not all. She has a very interactive family they are together alot. For me I'd say I'd be over there once or twice every few weeks. But they get together at least once or twice a week. I've been invited many times and haven't come and that's on me but I've also not come when I didnt think of know if I was invited and they didn't like that either. I discussed with her father and he said if she is invited I'm invited which makes it clearer but I still feel like the damage is done and they dont like me. I feel like it's awkward cause I know they don't like me now but I'm trying to change and better myself.

I don't think it's a good fit for you to be with someone who is with her family for social events where you are expected to be there that many times a week.  That seems excessive IMO and I am social and an extrovert.  When my parents married in the 1950s in their early 20s my father told my mother no more weekly full day gatherings on Sundays with her family.  She agreed -they were married -so they limited it.  They compromised. 

I see my family and my husband sees his when they are in town and sometimes it's not all together - sometimes it is -and we live far from family. We are close with most of each other's families - so what -doesn't mean we're joined at the hip and have to both be there each time.

  I think if  you have kids it's important for the kids to see their grandparents but both parents need not be there.  I dated a guy for 7 years on and off who shared an apartment with his close in age sister - they were close but careful to have social boundaries too.  I don't think your girlfriend is being fair with these sorts of expectations and had you two communicated I think there was room for compromise. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

. I love her very much and wanted to move in with her for a long time.  she decided to move further away and find her own place. She kept it secret from me till she was one week away from moving due to the fact I believe she knew i wanted to move with her but didn't want to hurt my feelings. 

It seems like she's afraid of you and your temper and anger.  In your other threads you admitted to abusing her, throwing things, being verbally nasty and suffocating her because you've become estranged from your own family and friends.

You  stated you depend on her too much for your mental wellbeing.  This has nothing to do with loving someone too much or caring for her more than yourself. This has to do with isolating yourself and trying to isolate her. 

[SherrySher]

You do have a responsibility as an adult to seek out help for your severe anxiety, not so much for someone else's sake, but for your own sake.

But how she handled it, and snuck off like that, was not only cruel, but very immature.

She should have sat down and talked with you about it, and if you didn't make any progress, than she should have told you directly that she was leaving you.

You both played a part in things going the way they did and you're both at fault.

It doesn't sound like you work well together, it's best if you go your separate ways.

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you have to be particularly social to attend family events and show up? Can't you just show up, be polite, perhaps help with set up and or clean up if it's at someone's house? You don't need to go to all events. Is there a particular issue between you and certain of her family members? Obviously she's fed up with you making empty promises.  

Your general questions are -very general. It sounds like you and your partner don't have enough common interests and values for a future.  There are certainly people who rarely see their families and are not as focused on socializing -that type of person might be better for you in a relationship.

It depends on the level of severity of anxiety.

Some people have quite bad anxiety being around people in general, and can't cope, while others panic at just the thought of leaving their house.

I wish it were just as simple as deciding to go and be polite, but unfortunately anxiety issues are a lot more complicated and can be quite restricting.

[smackie9]

A) In order to have an existence to be appealing, and function as a human being in a relationship to keep it healthy is to be mentally healthy first before starting one.

B) She's got issues herself. Stonewalling, deflecting and not taking any accountability for herself. She has poor communication which is detrimental to a relationship. It will never workout ever.

Reality check: You've had plenty of time/opportunity to deal with this about yourself. You can't keep drifting along hoping someone will just accept it or you can apologize your way out of it everything. Treatment and getting to the point you are OK will take lot of years of hard work. Time is running out. Focus on helping yourself be a better person and develop friendships, and live life to build up a life. No more trying to excuse your way out of doing things in life. You have to really want this bad....are you up for it?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

It depends on the level of severity of anxiety.

Some people have quite bad anxiety being around people in general, and can't cope, while others panic at just the thought of leaving their house.

I wish it were just as simple as deciding to go and be polite, but unfortunately anxiety issues are a lot more complicated and can be quite restricting.

Yes and in this case I think the issue is more that she spends SO much time with her family and expects him to show up basically each time.

[Tinydance]

I agree that you need to get therapy, maybe get on medication and really address your depression and anxiety. A partner shouldn't have to accept you getting angry or throwing things at them and so on.

However if you have a quiet or introverted personality and you're not that social, this is who you are. Someone can't just change their personality and turn from an introvert to extrovert. So your partner does need to accept that's who you are. And if she doesn't like it then she can find someone else who fits her expectations better.

In my opinion it's too big an ask to catch up with her family once or twice a week. And if they know you're introverted then they should understand that and not put this expectation on you. If they don't like you just because of that, that's really unfair. Also you don't live with your girlfriend, so you aren't de facto partners. You are not engaged or married. So the family can't put expectations on you like you're actually part of the family because no offence but you're not. It's nice they invite you but it doesn't mean you have an obligation to accept that invitation.

[boltnrun]

On 12/12/2023 at 9:04 AM, Batya33 said:

Yes and in this case I think the issue is more that she spends SO much time with her family and expects him to show up basically each time.

In his other thread he admits to being sexually aggressive toward her and also lashes out and throws things. 

I too would want to be in the safe comfort of my family frequently if my partner was behaving like that. I also would want to move away to a safe place. And prevailing advice leans toward not notifying your partner ahead of time that you're leaving if they have aggressive or abusive tendencies. 

[Tpalm641]

So when I say sexually aggressive I mean I ask her if she wants to have sex and she says no and I leave it alone. But I do always engage never her. Also to add when I say I throw things I mean I through a chair or whatever out of anger not at her ever but in front of her yes. I've never laid my hands on her in a aggressive manner or ever yelled at her before. I will take my anger out on a object and walk away before saying anything to her because I know she is very sensitive. 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Tpalm641 said:

I through a chair or whatever out of anger not at her ever but in front of her yes. I've never laid my hands on her in a aggressive manner or ever yelled at her before. I will take my anger out on a object and walk away before saying anything to her because I know she is very sensitive. 

Well, throwing things in anger is violent, and healthy (not just sensitive) people tend to avoid those who are violent. This could be why she didn't tell you she was moving--she's afraid of you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tpalm641 said:

 when I say I throw things I mean I through a chair or whatever out of anger not at her ever but in front of her yes. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Apparently you're still suffering from some untreated or under treated issues. Throwing things is a symptom of some underlying issues.

Sadly while you may view this as benign anger release it's terrifying for her which explains why she is tiptoeing out of the relationship and doesn't want to disclose that she got her own place. 

[ShySoul]

You can't have a healthy relationship with another until you first have a healthy relationship with yourself. That's not saying you have to be perfect and have everything figured out. We all have issues and things to work on. But from the sound of things, neither of you have fully addressed your own issues, thus you end up in a cycle that causes you both more harm then good. There's a lack of communication on both ends. She shuts down, so never really deals with things on her side. You take all the blame and responsibility, which means the problems aren't addressed and will keep happening. Doing so also means you risk building up anger and resentment which shows in a violent temper. While it's noble that you won't aim it at her and only objects, how do you think that makes her feel? Scared.

A healthy relationship is 50/50. Each side takes responsibilty for their own actions. Each side is willing to admit mistakes. Most importantly, the couple talks through things and work together. You can try to shield your partner from getting hurt because you care and your instinct is to protect them, but not to the point that you take everything on yourself. That's not honest, and honesty is a key foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.