Plz, I'm really in need of some advice ToT

[never_mind]

Essay Warning! ⚠️

I've been talking to a guy for a year online (I’ve never seen him irl). He expressed a lot of affection, said he loves me and yada yada, and we admitted mutual feelings (we’ve never been official though, he would still say we're just friends) However, recently, he casually mentioned talking to another girl for weeks, claiming they're just friends.

He still wants to be friends with me but says he kinda likes the other girl and she likes him too but he still likes me as well... (Ik, unbelievable. That's so messed up)

He basically told me that if I lived closer or in the same town he would've made a move on me “ages ago” but I'm rlly far (like overseas) and the other girl lives in the same town as him.

•I feel confused and disappointed.

•Is what he’s done morally wrong or insensitive or is it normal?

--------------------------------------------------------------

*I'm sry for the essay and silly question, I don't rlly have experience with these stuff so I'm just lost fr.

[Andrina]

As you can see, cyber fantasies are not reality and the hardest way to go about finding a partner. Instead of the answering your question, I'd recommend deleting him as a contact, and once you feel better to date, solely do so locally. No guarantees in finding a keeper immediately, but there are far more pros in dating locally than wasting precious time in an LDR that never really was anything but chatter with for all intents and purposes, a stranger.  

[never_mind]

29 minutes ago, Andrina said:

As you can see, cyber fantasies are not reality and the hardest way to go about finding a partner. Instead of the answering your question, I'd recommend deleting him as a contact, and once you feel better to date, solely do so locally. No guarantees in finding a keeper immediately, but there are far more pros in dating locally than wasting precious time in an LDR that never really was anything but chatter with for all intents and purposes, a stranger.  

Thank you so much for advice, I really needed to hear that. Online dating rlly does seems just like a fantasy now...

The only thing keeping me from unfollowing him tbh is that he was my only friend and primary social connection. So I might feel lonely after deleting his contact, but that's probably for the best on the long run

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, never_mind said:

Thank you so much for advice, I really needed to hear that. Online dating rlly does seems just like a fantasy now...

The only thing keeping me from unfollowing him tbh is that he was my only friend and primary social connection. So I might feel lonely after deleting his contact, but that's probably for the best on the long run

 

All you've been doing is sitting in front of an electronic device. That's not a "social connection". 

Are you a student or do you have a job? Where do you meet people in real life?

[never_mind]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

All you've been doing is sitting in front of an electronic device. That's not a "social connection". 

Are you a student or do you have a job? Where do you meet people in real life?

That's a really good point, idk why but for some reason I thought it was a social connection xD

And yeah, I'm a college student that struggles with socialising, and most of the people I encounter in real life are likely to be my classmates

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, never_mind said:

Is what he’s done morally wrong or insensitive or is it normal?

No, neither of those things. 

I get why you are disappointed but this was a fantasy - not something that was ever going to go somewhere real. Online flings have an expiration date and this was it. Real life is more rewarding and exciting and it was only a matter of time before this fizzled out. In the future, focus on building connections offline so you don't become emotionally attached to someone who can't offer you a real relationship. 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, never_mind said:

•Is what he’s done morally wrong or insensitive or is it normal?

I would say its morally questionable from the point he did say how he loves you. Which could constitute as misleading you.

However yes, this was all the fantasy and not real. He maybe talked the nice words but he also never really wanted to see you. And bailed out at the first opportunity it showed. That is how much his feelings toward you were real. That all it took is some other woman who is geographically closer to show up. Dont entagle in online fantasy next time.

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, never_mind said:

Essay Warning! ⚠️

I've been talking to a guy for a year online (I’ve never seen him irl). He expressed a lot of affection, said he loves me and yada yada, and we admitted mutual feelings (we’ve never been official though, he would still say we're just friends) However, recently, he casually mentioned talking to another girl for weeks, claiming they're just friends.

He still wants to be friends with me but says he kinda likes the other girl and she likes him too but he still likes me as well... (Ik, unbelievable. That's so messed up)

He basically told me that if I lived closer or in the same town he would've made a move on me “ages ago” but I'm rlly far (like overseas) and the other girl lives in the same town as him.

•I feel confused and disappointed.

•Is what he’s done morally wrong or insensitive or is it normal?

--------------------------------------------------------------

*I'm sry for the essay and silly question, I don't rlly have experience with these stuff so I'm just lost fr.

Unless you have met irl, it's not real.

Talking to someone online, they can be whoever they pretend to be, and can play with your emotions, as well as any other number of people they might also be talking with.

Next time try to find someone who is at least in the same country at you, but what would be even better, is the same state.

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, never_mind said:

Thank you so much for advice, I really needed to hear that. Online dating rlly does seems just like a fantasy now...

The only thing keeping me from unfollowing him tbh is that he was my only friend and primary social connection. So I might feel lonely after deleting his contact, but that's probably for the best on the long run

 

Meet other people. There are literally millions of people online.

You don't necessarily need to chat for anything romantic, but the number of chat rooms, friendship forums, etc, are endless.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, never_mind said:

 I'm a college student that struggles with socialising, and most of the people I encounter in real life are likely to be my classmates

Please try to get more involved in campus activities. Join some groups and clubs, get involved in sports and fitness, take some extra classes and courses. Look for campus events and social activities.  Broaden your social horizons and make new friends doing fun interesting things. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, never_mind said:

That's a really good point, idk why but for some reason I thought it was a social connection xD

And yeah, I'm a college student that struggles with socialising, and most of the people I encounter in real life are likely to be my classmates

Colleges have so many opportunities to meet people. So much more fun than sitting in front of your laptop typing and reading words. 

[smackie9]

Isn't that the whole idea about going to college is to enjoy the freedom and social experience...partying, hanging out, doing activities, experimentation, making friends? You are wasting your precious time behind a screen....there's a whole world of everything out there to explore. The college experience sets you up for your adult life. basically you are on your own now.....it's up to you now to live and experience relationships in the real world. You could join a club or two and start meeting people. 

[never_mind]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Isn't that the whole idea about going to college is to enjoy the freedom and social experience...partying, hanging out, doing activities, experimentation, making friends? You are wasting your precious time behind a screen....there's a whole world of everything out there to explore. The college experience sets you up for your adult life. basically you are on your own now.....it's up to you now to live and experience relationships in the real world. You could join a club or two and start meeting people. 

That's true, I guess that's how it is for most ppl. I have a bit of social anxiety so online had always been less daunting for me, although it's true; I need to overcome this. I haven't joined any groups or college clubs but I did join the gym, so yeah. Hopefully it'll help me lol XD 

[boltnrun]

You don't need to go wild going to frat parties or anything like that. My college had groups and clubs for all sorts of interests. If you're into gaming or graphic arts, knitting and crocheting, cooking, fitness activities, etc. I guarantee there's some sort of group for it.

Ah, I miss those days! It was so easy to find things to do. 

[never_mind]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You don't need to go wild going to frat parties or anything like that. My college had groups and clubs for all sorts of interests. If you're into gaming or graphic arts, knitting and crocheting, cooking, fitness activities, etc. I guarantee there's some sort of group for it.

Ah, I miss those days! It was so easy to find things to do. 

That sounds like a great idea, thank youuu! I'll definitely look into this 😊

I do remember hearing that my class created a gaming club, so that might be worth checking out 

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, never_mind said:

struggles with socialising

Stop using excuses like armor instead of challenging yourself to overcome something that hinders your life. I've had social anxiety and  have been quite shy since childhood. Joining a girls organization when I was a teen where I had to memorize parts and recite them regularly really helped me. I also played soccer for 6 years and joined the snow ski club in college. From that, I took one ski trip with the group and the club's president had the most memorable Halloween party I've ever been to. I'll always be an introvert, but when you put yourself in the world among others doing fun things, you'll always make friends.

You can get good at anything you practice. I suggest just making small talk about class assignments, and maybe even suggest some study sessions with one or two students you're feeling a vibe with.

This is the best time to meet huge groups of people your age, and a large majority will still be single. If you don't take this opportunity to expand your social skills now, you're going to regret it later when the dating pool gets smaller. Take care and let us know how it goes. Please expand beyond gaming, which can lead back into solo, cyber space stuff.

[jadedjadedjaded]

On 11/27/2023 at 6:29 PM, never_mind said:

He basically told me that if I lived closer or in the same town he would've made a move on me “ages ago” but I'm rlly far (like overseas) and the other girl lives in the same town as him

Read my only post on here about my situation with LDR. When someone is glaringly pointing out the obvious, believe what they're saying and don't read into it.  My take, don't wait for him to begin a relationship with this woman that he can physically see IRL to remove yourself from this situation. He will keep you on the back burner, because you're allowing him to, and make a more authentic relationship happen with the partner he's able to see at the drop of a hat. If you want to remain friends, that's one thing, but I caution you to not continue to invest feelings into something that has low benefits. 

Write out the pro's and con's of maintaining a connection with this person. That might help you gain clarity as to what you want to do.

Lastly, College is the time for exploration! Don't waste a second of this time you have by indulging in anything that is not challenging you and pushing you towards growth and prosperity in the future. Don't settle down now, travel the world during your time off from school, join clubs that light up your passions. You will never get this time back.