Talk About Spontaneous!

[Jaunty]

If you're feeling any attraction to someone you probably owe it to yourself to go on a date, if it's on the table.  Clearly you are in dating mode.  I'm all for the spontaneous adventure you're having with the elevator many but do you have any reasons so far to be making it exclusive?

[Kwothe28]

I am going to go against the grain a bit. Sure, you dont owe elevator guy anything. But even research shows how our satisfaction dwindles as we get multiple choices. Reason being that we are like kids in a candy shop. If somebody gives you a candy you are happy because you got candy. But if you add a choice in that, well, then you would always ask yourself if the other choice is maybe better. Which leads to less hapiness overall. 

[Andrina]

If these two men didn't live in or near the building, I might say go for it, but since you're feeling it a lot with the elevator guy, if he happens to see you around with the other guy, even though you two aren't exclusive, it might put a sour taste in his mouth.

Just like in OLD, you have to assume the other person is dating others, you don't want to hear about it or see it. Just like when I'd started talking to a guy and we planned on seeing each other after my vacation, and he accidentally e-mailed me about a date that he'd planned with another woman, it put a damper on my excitement to meet him.

Since you're not as attracted to the other guy, if it were me and he asked again, I would say I'm exploring something with someone I'd just started dating and aren't comfortable multi-dating. He'll either not reply or tell you to call if it doesn't work out with the other guy.

I'm just saying that's what I'd do to prevent ruining what could become a great thing with the tall guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-dating but I never did it, and just as in your case, there was one who stood out and he's who I wanted to concentrate on without the distractions of others.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If these two men didn't live in or near the building, I might say go for it, but since you're feeling it a lot with the elevator guy, if he happens to see you around with the other guy, even though you two aren't exclusive, it might put a sour taste in his mouth.

Just like in OLD, you have to assume the other person is dating others, you don't want to hear about it or see it. Just like when I'd started talking to a guy and we planned on seeing each other after my vacation, and he accidentally e-mailed me about a date that he'd planned with another woman, it put a damper on my excitement to meet him.

Since you're not as attracted to the other guy, if it were me and he asked again, I would say I'm exploring something with someone I'd just started dating and aren't comfortable multi-dating. He'll either not reply or tell you to call if it doesn't work out with the other guy.

I'm just saying that's what I'd do to prevent ruining what could become a great thing with the tall guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-dating but I never did it, and just as in your case, there was one who stood out and he's who I wanted to concentrate on without the distractions of others.

I will change my view too. I multi dated only because I was looking for marriage. As of a month ago or less you weren’t even looking to date. So I’d follow Andrinas considerations  in this situation. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-dating but I never did it, and just as in your case, there was one who stood out and he's who I wanted to concentrate on without the distraction of others. 

Thanks @Andrinathis has always been my thinking as well.  To a tee actually!  And my nature generally, I'm not a juggler and get no satisfaction from juggling two or more men simultaneously.

I've always dated with intent, not casually, which means when there is a high mutual high attraction between me and a particular man (in this case E-guy), my intent is to develop a relationship which of course takes time.   I'm patient, allow it to develop slowly, naturally and never push for it. 

Dating two or more, I've never been able to divide my affections like that. You called it distracted, I call it confusing!   Not to mention the physical aspect of it - kissing, etc. 

Nothing to do with being exclusive per se, sounds too formal and I'd never have any sort of discussion about it, way WAY too soon and not my style anyway. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

If these two men didn't live in or near the building, I might say go for it....

They don't.  E-guy and I met in the elevator where I work, he was there on business (meeting with his lawyer); he lives around 20 miles from my building, where I and new guy live.

But even if he did live near me, it wouldn't change my feeling about it one way or the other.

I think writing this out and reading responses has settled it for me.  Not gonna do it unless something drastic changes on our date tonight, you never know, again it's only our third date.

The reason I asked the question guys is I met some new friends in my "healing after divorce" workshop and they all pretty much believe after divorce, multi-dating is the way to go.  They are the ones encouraging me to go for it with the second guy. 

So was wondering if I should try that on for a change versus 'one at a time' leading to relationship.'  As of right now, not gonna do it.  

Anyway, looking forward to tonight and will keep y'all posted!  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks @Andrinathis has always been my thinking as well.  To a tee actually!  And my nature generally, I'm not a juggler and get no satisfaction from juggling two or more men simultaneously.

I've always dated with intent, not casually, which means when there is a high mutual high attraction between me and a particular man (in this case E-guy), my intent is to develop a relationship which of course takes time.   I'm patient, allow it to develop slowly, naturally and never push for it. 

Dating two or more, I've never been able to divide my affections like that. You called it distracted, I call it confusing!   Not to mention the physical aspect of it - kissing, etc. 

Nothing to do with being exclusive per se, sounds too formal and I'd never have any sort of discussion about it, way WAY too soon and not my style anyway. 

They don't. We met in the elevator where I work, he was there on business (meeting with his lawyer); he lives around 20 miles from me.

But even if he did live near me, it wouldn't change my feeling about it. 

I think writing this out and reading responses has settled it for me.  Not gonna do it unless something drastic changes on our date tonight, you never know, again it's only our third date.

The reason I asked the question guys is I met some new friends in my "healing after divorce" workshop and they all pretty much believe after divorce, multi-dating is the way to go.  They are the ones encouraging me to go for it with the second guy. 

So was wondering if I should try that on for a change versus 'one at a time' leading to relationship.'  As of right now, not gonna do it.  

Anyway, looking forward to tonight and will keep y'all posted!  

Go with what you're comfortable with !  I knew I couldn't put all my eggs in one basket too soon especially in my 30s - not as many opportunities to meet potentially good matches for marriage -and also I never had casual sex so with one odd exception I never had the issue of having sex with one person and then dating someone else, etc. - typically I became exclusive after 6-8 weeks of dating, typically we didn't have intercourse until much further along so that aspect wasn't "juggled".  

I think it's great you know what you're comfortable with.  Who cares what others in your workshop do -it's so individual.  I wouldn't be married now if I'd done one at a time.  So I'm so glad I juggled back then - the overlap was very brief as it turned out since my husband and I met platonically the first 3 times but I was dating someone else plus looking to date others.  

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, looking forward to tonight and will keep y'all posted!  

Perhaps how tonight's date goes will help make the decision more clear. 

[lostandhurt]

Does it have to be a "date" with the new guy?  Since you are new to dating after the end of a relationship and things change quickly in the dating world perhaps you should look on this as a way for you to learn what you are looking for.  You don't owe anyone anything right now so if you are curious satisfy that and it will help you in the long run. Heck neither of these guys might not work out in the long run but you will learn a lot about yourself in the process.

 Dating is learning not only about them but yourself.  Of course if it feels wrong to you then don't do it. 

 Strange that it seemed you where all set to be alone the rest of your life and now look at you beating men off with a stick!

 Lost

[Jaunty]

I'm absolutely not a multi-dater, and fully onboard with your spontaneous experience.  This isn't meant that way.   But the last posts you wrote (that I read anyway) before you met him were about how much you do not want "togetherness" and you're so happy you're free. 

Of course things like that can change quickly but you are very recently divorced.

That's why I was not initially on board with just putting all eggs in elevator guy basket.   

I was sort of taking your "go with the flow" sexy vibe thing as a foray into casual dating.

 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Does it have to be a "date" with the new guy?  Since you are new to dating after the end of a relationship and things change quickly in the dating world perhaps you should look on this as a way for you to learn what you are looking for.  You don't owe anyone anything right now so if you are curious satisfy that and it will help you in the long run. Heck neither of these guys might not work out in the long run but you will learn a lot about yourself in the process.

Great point.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Strange that it seemed you where all set to be alone the rest of your life and now look at you beating men off with a stick.

Not the rest of my life @lostandhurt that's a LONG time!  But for awhile anyway. 

TBH I get approached quite often, always have.  I live in a relatively large metropolitan city where there are always lots of people (men) out and about.

I have no problem meeting men and being asked out.

However it's very rare when I feel that certain something like I did and do with E-guy.  So I typically decline the invites.

With the new guy, I was in good spirits and enjoyed talking with him but I definitely don’t feel the same level of attraction as I do with E-guy.

But because of what my new friends were/are suggesting (multi-dating), I was thinking about approaching my dating life differently this time.

Of course I don't owe E-guy anything, that's not the issue.

The issue is keeping with my own nature and doing what feels best and comfortable for me. 😀

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

But the last posts you wrote (that I read anyway) before you met him were about how much you do not want "togetherness" and you're so happy you're free. 

Well, I still feel the same about too much "togetherness," in fact E-guy and I had not talked or texted in four days, which suited me just fine! 

Like I said in an earlier post, I go by our connection, our mutual attraction and how well we get on together in person, NOT by how often we text or talk or even see each other if I'm honest.  I know that sounds strange to some but that's me.

Quality versus quantity even though some people dislike that expression but for me it's so true.

Re being free, well that was before I met E-guy. 😍

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Re being free, well that was before I met E-guy. 😍

So since you know that about yourself - you veer from the path you were focused on when you met this intriguing person -be open to veering from the mindset of "one at a time" even where you've only met E-guy twice.

As far as 'too much togetherness" and not hearing from him for 4 days I don't think that's a good example -better would be how you feel about a person you've been dating seriously for months as far as whether you need space.  Or like it.  

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

where you've only met E-guy twice.

Bat, you make it sound so insignificant and casual; we've had two "dates" not "meets" and have spent a total of approximately 18 hours together.

Not to get all defensive but it's a bit more than simply saying we've met twice. 

Anyway, my question has been answered, and I'm good with my decision, thanks again!

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, you make it sound so insignificant and casual; we've had two "dates" not "meets" and have spent a total of approximately 18 hours together.

Not to get all defensive but it's a bit more than simply saying we've met twice. 

Anyway, my question has been answered, and I'm good with it, thanks again!

To me personally you have to get to know someone over a long period of time to know what the person is about especially in the variety of life situations that typically happen only over a long period of time. 

You've met twice for 2 dates  -18 hours over 2 weeks.  It is casual -you two are not exclusive and have not discussed whether there is serious potential have you? I loved togetherness for the most part.  Back then I'd have hated if a man I had one date with was in touch over a 4-day period.  I'd have found it a matter of concern that it meant he was needy or clingy.  But once we were serious I'd have wanted to be in touch daily if we weren't together.  But once the internet was a thing I didn't have a cell -never texted -I did do some emailing and instant messaging as well as phone calls.  

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me personally you have to get to know someone over a long period of time to know what the person is about especially in the variety of life situations that typically happen only over a long period of time. 

You've met twice for 2 dates  -18 hours over 2 weeks.  It is casual -you two are not exclusive and have not discussed whether there is serious potential have you? I loved togetherness for the most part.  Back then I'd have hated if a man I had one date with was in touch over a 4-day period.  I'd have found it a matter of concern that it meant he was needy or clingy.  But once we were serious I'd have wanted to be in touch daily if we weren't together.  But once the internet was a thing I didn't have a cell -never texted -I did do some emailing and instant messaging as well as phone calls.  

Bat, I appreciate your opinion and experiences, truly.  

And hope you can respect that you and I are two different people and as such have/had different ways of dating and developing relationships.

I'm glad your way worked out for you, I'm gonna do me. :))

I will update after tonight, fingers crossed our third goes as well as the first and second!  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, I appreciate your opinion and experiences, truly.  

And hope you can respect that you and I are two different people and as such have/had different ways of dating and developing relationships.

I'm glad your way worked out for you, I'm gonna do me. :))

I will update after tonight, fingers crossed our third goes as well as the first and second!  

I’m confused at the question. Of course. I always qualify what I write. Also we wanted different kinds of relationships which is why I realized you don’t need to sort of hold your nose and juggle and multidate as I did since I wanted a husband and opportunity for a baby and would have spent a whole lot less time in the dating and singles scene if that those were not my twin life goals and dreams. I had no idea if my approach and strategies would yield me husband and baby   I just weighed the risks and benefits of the alternatives   I knew there were no guarantees which for me personally was extremely hard for me to accept when I was pounding the pavement sometimes having 5-7 first meets and or dates in a week  

 

My sense is that’s not your intense focus as it was mine. Also you’re comfortable with being sexual much earlier on than I was which can complicate multi dating. I didn’t have to consider the reality or potential of that situation 
I hope you have fun on your date !

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I will update after tonight, fingers crossed our third goes as well as the first and second!  

Have fun! You know about the third date rule, right? 😉

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The issue is keeping with my own nature and doing what feels best and comfortable for me.

Meeting someone for coffee is pretty benign right? It isn't like you are leading him on and using him for entertainment, just getting to know a new man better is all.  

BUT if elevator guy has you all Twitter Paited (Bambi reference for you youngsters) then trust those feelings and have fun.

 Lost