Talk About Spontaneous!

[kim42]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just my personal opinion but I dont think it's "cute" at all, it's incredibly needy, guy needs to get a life and find a purpose other than chasing women (plural) on text for validation all day. 

I would be utterly turned off by that; true even back when I enjoyed texting! 

Like @Jauntysaid, I might have said same earlier, texting does not indicate interest. It indicates the person is most likely bored and needing the validation that texting gives them. 

It's more what THEY need versus wanting to show interest to the other person, imo and experience.

A man on another forum I was friendly with even admitted this to me, he even admitted it on the public forum!  

He showed us his bucket list of text exchanges - he would flirt and banter with women on text, suggest meeting up and then flake with some flimsy excuse, he never had any intention of meeting them! 

It was all done for validation, again he admitted it!

As far as texting in between dates, if the date is like a week or two away, yeah it's nice to touch base in between, something light.

But in our case, our next date was only four days away, so not necessary.

Hopefully he texts this afternoon or tomorrow morning to confirm. I'm thinking it will probably be tomorrow morning.

 

 

 

I don't think it's cute either, and it would be a red flag for me. I just wanted to mention this example to highlight that I'm not a fan of constant texting.

Let us know how your second date went! 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it's cute either, and it would be a red flag for me. I just wanted to mention this example to highlight that I'm not a fan of constant texting.

Bolded, I know @kim42, I was mostly just venting because it irks me sometimes that women (and men when roles are reversed) fall for such BS.

They attach some sort of meaning to it like "awww he must realllllyyyy like me" when in most cases (not all), the person was simply bored and seeking validation themselves.

39 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Let us know how your second date went! 

I will!!  Fingers crossed it goes as well as the first!  

[mylolita]

When I was dating, I was never in the texting camp because my flip phone wasn’t the type of phone you would send tonnes of texts on like a smart phone these days… wow, that makes me feel old, even though I’m *only* (ha ha) 33 🥲🤣

 

It was calls “back in the day!” 🥹🤣 Good ol’ 2008…! Where are you?! 

 

x

[mylolita]

I am all for a text argument though… and dress up accordingly 🤣 

 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it's cute either, and it would be a red flag for me. I just wanted to mention this example to highlight that I'm not a fan of constant texting.

Let us know how your second date went! 

Same.  It would be annoying and worse for me to have that experience.  

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

I prefer the meeting in person totally! And I’m not one for a phone call really, only with people I genuinely like! 
 

I remember the 5 hour phone convo’s I had with my husband when he only lived a 10 minute walk from my parents house but me or him would call everyday and it lasted ages! Time flew! 
 

I realise that seems intense, and I guess a lot of people these days might coin it “love bombing”?! But there was only pure emotion and thrill of falling in love behind it, and I was young, and he thought he’d just found the girl he wanted to marry, and secretly I thought I’d found the same, and we are both a little intense, so with all that in the mix you got a “from that day forward never apart!” thing going on! 
 

It’s interesting because it also seems to depend on the personalities of each person in the new couple! Some people are very introverted and want to keep to themselves and worry a lot how other people may perceive them, other people are impulsive and passionate and do whatever comes into their head. So many different factors. 
 

I definitely would NEVER listen to “your girlfriends”, as, unfortunately, most woman actually don’t have true friends, and some mean well, and others can sadly mean not so well, and they can sabotage or want to derail your happiest and most promising opportunities. 
 

I think falling in love is such a concentrated, secret thing, between the man and the woman - and to bring others into it, it seems to water the whole thing down and also add complications when there need not be any! 
 

It’s definitely, in my opinion, a ride for two… not three, or four, or ten! Hen pecking everything to pieces. 
 

I remember wanting to shout it from the hills and giddily spilling it to all my friends and, I didn’t even ask for advice but I got “he’s quite old isn’t he” and “remember first loves don’t last” and “you’re moving too fast” and “you’re too young to know what you want” and “sorry but he’s probably got other young girls on the side and you’re going to find that out soon” and on and on. I never listened of course! They didn’t know him like I did 🥲

 

x

I love this Lolita and thank you for sharing your and your hubs' beautiful love story!  😍 

 

[mylolita]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I love this Lolita and thank you for sharing your and your hubs' beautiful love story!  😍 

Ahhh rainbows, thank you! 
 

I am ALWAYS on the side of laaaaaaave!!!! And eternally hopeful! 
 

I think our start was intense because, he was my first love (I was a virgin and even unkissed when I met him!) (I’m not religious by the way!) and even though he had come out of a 7 year relationship and had plenty of women in a short space after as a casual thing, he always tells me I was his first love too! 
 

I guess we’re both a little intense as well, so the instant attraction and the full pelt romance never creeped me out because, it’s what I wanted and we both felt the same way, wanted the same things. I think if it had been one sided, and I had been luke warm about him, of course the hot pursuit would have been too much. 
 

I think he told me he loved me by date 4 - that probably seems a little insane to most people I imagine! But again, I felt exactly the same way! I was beyond over the moon to hear it from him! I didn’t expect him to say it so soon but it never put me off that he did! 
 

I wish you all the best rainbows! 
 

I think dating now is maybe a little more complicated with online apps and everything… it’s another layer. And women aren’t as traditional anymore, and most see the old school courting way as oppressive, too much, too full on, even controlling ect. So times have changed when, for example, my Grandad met my Grandma at a dance in a war hanger, and she was 16, and then two days later he drove 6 hours to the other end of the country on his motorbike to knock on her door and ask her to be his girl, and then a year later, they were married! 
 

You don’t hear anything like that anymore unless the couple are very religious. I think it’s a shame actually, but then again, hey ho, last of the silly romantics here! 
 

My heart delights at these meet up stories! 
 

I am so curious actually after reading this thread, what everyone’s romantic or dating history is? Or should I say, martial status or not? It’s curious as to where everyone is coming from with this, as our personalities and life experiences of course shape how we approach luuuuuurve n’all that jazz!!!

 

😘 x

[mylolita]

I actually believe, and probably controversially so, that you can make major judgement calls on people very fast and quite accurately, if you are tuned into what you want and can get a good feel for the other person - ask the right questions, and put them in the right situations. 
 

I often think back to everyone I have ever met, and I think most people could say this as well, that your first impression of someone is actually usually right, and after knowing the person a few years, it doesn’t deviate to much from the original presumptions. 
 

This is why I think you can know, Y’know, really know, if you’re going to be marrying or deadly serious about someone, after about 4/5 dates. 
 

I have asked people in long term marriage and they all say, the night or day or wherever they met their significant other, they knew they were going to be someone important, someone they didn’t want to let go, almost instantly. 
 

Maybe again I am romanticising and glorifying human interaction 🤣 but personally, I feel this holds true. 
 

You could carry on meeting and meeting thousands of men over and over again, if you were the scientific logical type, who wanted 100% certainty or proof of feelings, or as near to it as you can get - but I’m all about the heart and the gut and listening to your instincts. I think we are these fine tuned hyper social animals that are losing our primal abilities that made important judgement calls back in the day. I think if we can claw back and get in touch with even 5% of that primal intuition, it’s almost like an extra sense!! A 6th sense, or, something like that, anyway 🥲

 

What I’m trying to say is, in love, and life in general, we know more than we think we do - sometimes the thinking, the over thinking, it only gets in the way, especially regarding matters of The Heart! ♥️ But, you have to give me some wiggle room on this because, I’m part French and, well, I can’t be trusted around this lil ol’ topic called love! 
 

C’est la vie! 

 

x

[boltnrun]

I think people are pretty spot on with their first impressions.  The problems come when they ignore their instincts or try to brush them aside because they want so badly to be part of a couple or be "in love". Red flags that could cover a football pitch are excused away by saying "well, no one's perfect!!" or "I'm a kind and nice person so I accept flaws".  Well, being abused or called names or cheated on or treated as an annoyance or as a last priority are not "flaws", they are indications the other person isn't all that interested or is a bad partner.  Or worse.

I remember when I first saw my husband.  I hadn't seen him before although we lived in the same campus housing, but I remember thinking "Cute!"  He's tall and blond and has the bluest of blue eyes which is everything I'm attracted to physically. When I did finally talk to him he was quiet almost to the point of being withdrawn but he was actually funny.  And smart.  And loyal.  And some other qualities that weren't so awesome, but he still possesses the good qualities I saw in him.

[mylolita]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think people are pretty spot on with their first impressions.  The problems come when they ignore their instincts or try to brush them aside because they want so badly to be part of a couple or be "in love". Red flags that could cover a football pitch are excused away by saying "well, no one's perfect!!" or "I'm a kind and nice person so I accept flaws".  Well, being abused or called names or cheated on or treated as an annoyance or as a last priority are not "flaws", they are indications the other person isn't all that interested or is a bad partner.  Or worse.

I remember when I first saw my husband.  I hadn't seen him before although we lived in the same campus housing, but I remember thinking "Cute!"  He's tall and blond and has the bluest of blue eyes which is everything I'm attracted to physically. When I did finally talk to him he was quiet almost to the point of being withdrawn but he was actually funny.  And smart.  And loyal.  And some other qualities that weren't so awesome, but he still possesses the good qualities I saw in him.

Did you feel like you ignored the negatives because you were attracted and in love bolt, initially? 
 

Obviously no one is perfect, everyone has things about them that aren’t so rosy, but as you say, when it is abusive or would be potential grounds for separating/divorce, those things shouldn’t be ignored. 
 

My husband is also blonde and blue eyed! Blonde curls 🤣 but not so much now! He has completely shaved his head for over a decade! 
 

These blonde boys have a lot to answer for 🤪

 

x

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Did you feel like you ignored the negatives because you were attracted and in love bolt, initially? 

Nope.  And there weren't "negatives" so to speak, not at first.  And not for quite a while. Like, years. He didn't act dismissively or call names or abuse or cheat or anything else I listed, BTW.

It's a long story that I don't want to get into here as to why the situation (and he) were so compelling to me during those early years.  And on his side there were extenuating factors as well.  But for a while there we lived in this bubble where the two of us existed and everyone else was just window dressing.  We were completely absorbed with one another.  

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Nope.  And there weren't "negatives" so to speak, not at first.  And not for quite a while. Like, years. He didn't act dismissively or call names or abuse or cheat or anything else I listed, BTW.

It's a long story that I don't want to get into here as to why the situation (and he) were so compelling to me during those early years.  And on his side there were extenuating factors as well.  But for a while there we lived in this bubble where the two of us existed and everyone else was just window dressing.  We were completely absorbed with one another.  

This is very interesting - I mean, I don’t mean to use your hard times as psychological debate fodder! But it is a curious thing. That someone can show zero signs, nothing negative, and then years later? 
 

Do you think he changed after those years? Or do you think he maybe hid something of himself from you? Do you think it’s possible people can hide aspects of their personality or character from other people?

 

I know personally myself, of course I was on my best behaviour the first month or so I met my husband, but even before we moved in together, we had our first tiff, and then I remember once we moved in together; I would have angry outbursts, as one of my faults is, I have a hot temper (errr can I blame that on the French? Don’t think so 🤪) I was also madly jealous regarding his ex girlfriend, who he was still in contact with because he had been with her for 7 years and her father had just died, and he did still support her a little through that. I was young and ignorant and didn’t understand that was a noble thing and not a “cheating” thing. 
 

After living together for even 6 months, he had been exposed to mostly all my negative traits - my flying off the handle, my mood swings, my decision making based only on emotion, my uptight and sometimes neurotic neat freakedness! My bad time keeping, my over spending, my indecision regarding work that carried on for another 6 years after the fact! My jealous and possessive tendencies, obsessive tendencies! My caffeine and sugar addiction. My tendency towards anorexia, controlled eating and fixation on weight gain. My over thinking and being prone to bad dreams. My materialistic ways. My need for a reaction and attention, or an audience of some sort, to validate me. The way, if I like a song, I’ll play it on repeat straight for the next two weeks. All of that. There is probably more 🤣 For some crazy reason, he stuck at it! But, he knew and found those things out all within that short space of time. I don’t think I’ve suddenly taken up any new vices. Negative things have been amplified at time over the course of our 15 years together. An example of this is my over spending - back then, my over spending was over by something like £40! Now, the more money we have, the over spending is more like, where did this £5,000 go in this account?! Just to give a rough example! 
 

Wow, I’m really selling myself here though 🥴

 

I think I could say the same for him as well - and that living together was a big reveal for everything like that, and maybe a good way of truly seeing someone vulnerable and stripped back. 
 

I guess you can never see it all. I think one of the unspoken things about people in long term relationships and marriages is, the other person doesn’t ever know exactly everything about the other person. And I would argue it’s part of keeping things alive, in that, now and then, may be only once a year, or once every few years - but the other person really surprises you. I mean, takes you back! You either didn’t expect it (in a pleasant way) or it was just something you never realised or paid any homage too. 
 

I had a convo late at night with my husband a week or so back and we were talking about how others view other people and it got to me and him and he said to me, “You came across as shy. And I loved it.” And then he told me about a song that has always reminded me about the first time he met me, but he only realised it years later. It’s ‘Secret Garden’ by Bruce Springsteen. And this was so new news to me because, I am anything but shy, and I never realised he saw me in that way - after all these years! And I guess if I think about it, around him, I am taken a back, and he does make me nervous and self conscious, because I care so much. It makes sense! Anyway. Enough 🤣

 

Did I remember reading Bolt you have been divorced twice? Were there similarities between both men or were they completely different? 
 

I’m always curious when people give relationship advice where they’re coming from… from what kind of life experience. I think it influences us all, even back to our childhoods, how we are and take all this stuff x
 

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I actually believe, and probably controversially so, that you can make major judgement calls on people very fast and quite accurately, if you are tuned into what you want and can get a good feel for the other person - ask the right questions, and put them in the right situations. 
 

I often think back to everyone I have ever met, and I think most people could say this as well, that your first impression of someone is actually usually right, and after knowing the person a few years, it doesn’t deviate to much from the original presumptions. 
 

This is why I think you can know, Y’know, really know, if you’re going to be marrying or deadly serious about someone, after about 4/5 dates. 
 

I have asked people in long term marriage and they all say, the night or day or wherever they met their significant other, they knew they were going to be someone important, someone they didn’t want to let go, almost instantly. 
 

Maybe again I am romanticising and glorifying human interaction 🤣 but personally, I feel this holds true. 
 

You could carry on meeting and meeting thousands of men over and over again, if you were the scientific logical type, who wanted 100% certainty or proof of feelings, or as near to it as you can get - but I’m all about the heart and the gut and listening to your instincts. I think we are these fine tuned hyper social animals that are losing our primal abilities that made important judgement calls back in the day. I think if we can claw back and get in touch with even 5% of that primal intuition, it’s almost like an extra sense!! A 6th sense, or, something like that, anyway 🥲

 

What I’m trying to say is, in love, and life in general, we know more than we think we do - sometimes the thinking, the over thinking, it only gets in the way, especially regarding matters of The Heart! ♥️ But, you have to give me some wiggle room on this because, I’m part French and, well, I can’t be trusted around this lil ol’ topic called love! 
 

C’est la vie! 

 

x

I like reading your posts, Lolita, thanks for sharing your story 🥰

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I like reading your posts, Lolita, thanks for sharing your story 🥰

Aw Kim! 
 

Well, same babe! 😘🪄

 

I’m sorry, I am going on to much! I feel like, shut up woman! Back to the love story IN HAND 🥴🤣🤣🤣 And praise be 🥳 ha ha ha 

 

x

[Batya33]

I know of happily married people who did know right away and others who didn’t. I know of people who didn’t see the negative stuff right away (for example one guy who did tell me he used to have an anger related disorder didn’t tell me he’d stopped all therapy for it despite still being triggered in a specific sport he played. Which I saw happen after three months of dating. I’d actually been thinking of ending it because he wasn’t into me enough but when I saw that and he told me the truth I was done. Dodged a bullet.  
 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, mylolita said:

Did I remember reading Bolt you have been divorced twice?

Nope, married once, divorced once. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Nope, married once, divorced once. 

I was engaged three times between November 1989 and October 2008 (twice to the same man with the same ring!!), almost engaged one other time (I said no -at a restaurant, yes there was a ring -never put it on), married once. I lived with one man I was engaged to but not married to for approximately 2.5 months.  Life by the numbers......  Current plan is not to accumulate any more fiancees or spouses.......;-)

[kim42]

Hi @rainbowsandroses, any updates? 😊

[rainbowsandroses]

34 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Hi @rainbowsandroses, any updates? 😊

Guys I was SO anxious this morning as it was 10:00 am, still hadn't heard from him and thought he might flake!

But he texted me shortly thereafter, my heart sank into my chest and he said "you almost ready"? 

I responded "No, but will be at noon"! 😉

He responded "good see you then" 😉 

Wish me luck!  And I will update later or tomorrow.  

Oh and P S.:  I was (still am) so nervous I could barely apply my mascara!  But I managed. 

I'm doing a little yoga before he arrives to calm down. 

[kim42]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Guys I was SO anxious this morning as it was 10:00 am, still hadn't heard from him and thought he might flake!

But he texted me shortly thereafter, my heart sank into my chest and he said "you almost ready"? 

I responded "No, but will be at noon"! 😉

He responded "good see you then" 😉 

Wish me luck!  And I will update later or tomorrow.  

Oh and P S.:  I was (still am) so nervous I could barely apply my mascara!  But I managed. 

I'm doing a little yoga before he arrives to calm down. 

So excited for you, enjoy!🙂

I was so nervous before meeting the long-distance guy last week that I had to take deep breaths 🙈

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 he texted me shortly thereafter, my heart sank into my chest and he said "you almost ready"? 

I responded "No, but will be at noon"! 😉

He responded "good see you then" 😉 

Have a great time!👍. PS knew he would text to confirm 😉

[boltnrun]

Hope you have a great time. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have a great time!👍. PS knew he would text to confirm 😉

Same exact I also knew!!!

[LINDA]

Have a great time and waiting for the update

[MrMan1983]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Guys I was SO anxious this morning as it was 10:00 am, still hadn't heard from him and thought he might flake!

But he texted me shortly thereafter, my heart sank into my chest and he said "you almost ready"? 

I responded "No, but will be at noon"! 😉

He responded "good see you then" 😉 

Wish me luck!  And I will update later or tomorrow.  

Oh and P S.:  I was (still am) so nervous I could barely apply my mascara!  But I managed. 

I'm doing a little yoga before he arrives to calm down. 

Great stuff. In my opinion this is exactly how a guy should be behaving as well as the interaction itself between you both in the dating world with regards to plans and dates. Confidently setting the date and sticking to their word, also not having to do in between date texts without the women getting insecure/butthurt and assuming it's off. It's a throwback to how things used to be and how I wish it was in general, then once you both trust that you will both follow through each time it's much nicer than having to deal with smartphonery.

PS. How did it go?