Talk About Spontaneous!

[MrMan1983]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree!  But a different scenario from what happened with us. 

We had already acknowledged it was a great night and already scheduled another date.

There is actually no reason for him to text except to confirm, tomorrow or Sunday morn.  :))

 

Sounds like we’re on the same page in that case 👍🏻 

[boltnrun]

Do you legitimately believe it's OK he didn't text? Or are you trying to convince yourself it's OK he didn't text? Do you think your friends are right that he should be texting you? 

You mention freaking out, which leads me to believe you may not be as cool about him not texting as you are claiming. 

[kim42]

59 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't want to derail this thread but you might benefit from paying attention to this yourself.   

It's the "expectations" created with a lot of texting between people who truly do not know each other, have an established relationship of any kind, or maybe even know what they themselves want, that end up causing so much trouble.

As of right now, this guy and the OP are meeting on equal ground right here:  Apparently they BOTH are interested in each other enough to go on a date on Sunday.  

What good would arise from being in contact between now and Sunday (possibly with the exception of one confirmation text).   I'm wondering what you think.

From my perspective, it would only serve to promote built up expectations or anxiety about "how much interest."

If he shows up,  it shows that YES, he was interested in going out with her on Sunday.

And that's what they will do.   How that plays out is what will inform the next step (or lack thereof).   

 

I think there is a difference between constant texting and exchanging several messages, maybe to say they had a good time and to confirm the next date.

I'm not a fan of excessive texting and I think it's better to focus on in person interactions, but at the same time, I don't think there's anything wrong in staying in light touch.

Also, based on my personal experiences, if a man was interested in me, he would try to stay in touch. Then again, it's just my personal preference.

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you legitimately believe it's OK he didn't text?  Or are you trying to convince yourself it's OK he didn't text? 

I'm wondering if you've been reading my posts?  Not only am I okay with it, I prefer it for reasons stated.

I love the anticipation and also by texting, you risk losing the great connection developed while on the date.

As some people are lousy texters, low energy texters and imo it actually has the potential of ruining things.

Like if someone said the "wrong" thing, it was misinterpreted, etc.   Or just low energy and boring.

Our date was VERY high energy and would prefer to focus on that versus stressing because he hasn't texted. 

Plus, I like my space, remember?  😉

For myself, I certainly do NOT have the energy for texting anymore, which is why I refuse to use dating apps and sites.  

I'm going to see him again in less than 48 hours, honestly not sure why this is even an issue. 

[yogacat]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you legitimately believe it's OK he didn't text? Or are you trying to convince yourself it's OK he didn't text? Do you think your friends are right that he should be texting you? 

You mention freaking out, which leads me to believe you may not be as cool about him not texting as you are claiming. 

That's how I see it too.

I think if you were as cool as you were with it you wouldn't be on here needing to say you're a certain type of way. Let alone create a whole thread along that basis. You wouldn't need to say a bunch of stuff to fill a page to say "this is how I am."

Just an observation.

In any event, good luck with your date 🙂

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You mention freaking out, which leads me to believe you may not be as cool about him not texting as you are claiming.

@Bolt, to clarify, I mentioned the freaking out because that is what I used to do in the past.  I made a separate post about it..

Again, as of right now at this moment, I'm cool with it. 

If that changes, I will let y'all know! 

 

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is how I feel at the moment anyway!!  I hope it sticks and I can remain chill about it versus getting caught up in emotion, overthinking and doubting (i.e freaking out, lol).

This is what I based my previous response on. You said you "hope it sticks" and that you can "remain" chill. That doesn't sound confident, which is why I asked.

Anyway, I'm glad you are enjoying yourself. It sure beats the alternative. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think if you were as cool as you were with it you wouldn't be on here needing to say you're a certain type of way. Let alone create a whole thread along that basis. 

I invite you to read my original post again which was to talk about meeting a man with a dog in an elevator and that we made a date to meet for drinks later. 

Whatever transpired after that was a natural evolution of the original post and conversation.

You're entitled to your opinion however and will leave it there. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is what I based my previous response on. You said you "hope it sticks" and that you can "remain" chill. That doesn't sound confident, which is why I asked.

Anyway, I'm glad you are enjoying yourself. It sure beats the alternative. 

Yes and I DO hope it sticks because as of right now, I'm excited and feeling really good about it!

As I said, if it changes, which it might as the date gets closer and I don’t hear from him, I will let you know. :))

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm going to see him again in less than 48 hours, honestly not sure why this is even an issue. 

Exactly. He already has something set up. Perhaps he'll text just to confirm, but after one drink, he's looking for another in person date, not a text buddy. That shows more interest than someone bored and playing on their phone all day. 

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. He already has something set up. Perhaps he'll text just to confirm, but after one drink, he's looking for another in person date, not a text buddy. That shows more interest than someone bored and playing on their phone all day. 

Thanks Wiseman.  That's how I see it too. 

On 11/23/2023 at 2:38 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been communicating since...

Do you realize this^ is how the whole texting debate started?  Lol   

I finally chimed in saying no, and that I was OK about it but still had mixed feelings.

This was due to my past thinking, societal conditioning and expectations. With some insecurities thrown in for good measure. 

In fact years ago, I loved when men texted after a date. It kept the connection alive in between dates, it even built the connection in between dates! 

I used to post about it on another forum I was on at the time, I was a huge proponent of texting/messaging!

But in today's dating environment and with more experience, I've come to realize texting, messaging doesn't mean a damn thing.  

It all feels very forced to me.  What's expected.  And as I said, I don't have the mental/emotional energy for it anymore because of how contrived it all feels, to me.

Now if I don't hear from him by Sunday morning I may circle back and ask if *I* should text confirming the noon date.

I shouldn't say "should" but in this case, he should text or call tomorrow or Sunday morning to confirm, don't you think? 

 

[Batya33]

Separately I don't buy the societal conditioning part -you routinely post about beating to your own drum, not being into labels, not being a planner, not being about shoulds, wanting -you think -a connection where you just get each other intuitively -you don't seem to be sheep-like at all when it comes to any sort of societal conditioning.  So I believe you that with this person you might feel ok about it but the reason you haven't in the recent past -is -because you felt insecure- all your own insecurities -nothing to do with kow towing to some notion of "conditioning"

I think it would be appropriate and polite for him to confirm by tomorrow afternon the plan - texting you on a Saturday night would not be ok IMO

[kim42]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Wiseman.  That's how I see it too. 

Do you realize this^ is how the whole texting debate started?  Lol   

I finally chimed in saying no, and that I was OK about it but still had mixed feelings.

This was due to my past thinking, societal conditioning and expectations. With some insecurities thrown in for good measure. 

In fact years ago, I loved when men texted after a date. It kept the connection alive in between dates, it even built the connection in between dates! 

I used to post about it on another forum I was on at the time, I was a huge proponent of texting/messaging!

But in today's dating environment and with more experience, I've come to realize texting, messaging doesn't mean a damn thing.  

It all feels very forced to me.  What's expected.  And as I said, I don't have the mental/emotional energy for it anymore because of how contrived it all feels, to me.

Now if I don't hear from him by Sunday morning I may circle back and ask if *I* should text confirming the noon date.

I shouldn't say "should" but in this case, he should text or call tomorrow or Sunday morning to confirm, don't you think? 

 

I'm a planner so in this situation, I would like to know more details about the next date but that's just me and I know some people are more adventurous 😁

I know some men don't text to confirm meet/dates after the date and place have been set, but I personally like to confirm, so if the guy doesn't do it, then I'll text him myself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Separately I don't buy the societal conditioning part -you routinely post about beating to your own drum, not being into labels, not being a planner, not being about shoulds, wanting -you think -a connection where you just get each other intuitively -you don't seem to be sheep-like at all when it comes to any sort of societal conditioning.  So I believe you that with this person you might feel ok about it but the reason you haven't in the recent past -is -because you felt insecure- all your own insecurities -nothing to do with kow towing to some notion of "conditioning"

I think it would be appropriate and polite for him to confirm by tomorrow afternon the plan - texting you on a Saturday night would not be ok IMO

Bat, I was talking about how I felt years ago!   Before I became my own person so to speak. I was comparing "then" to "now."

But even now, some of that conditioning is still with me.  It's not easy to shake all the way, I mean it was ingrained deep! 

Yes I'm all the things you mentioned but that still doesn't mean I am 100% immune to the expectations.  Like a man texting after or in betwen dates. 

I still think about it which is why I admitted I had mixed feelings.  Even though right now at this moment I'm cool with it. 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, I was talking about how I felt years ago!   Before I became my own person so to speak.

But even now, some of that conditioning is still with me.  

Yes I'm all the things you mentioned but that still doesn't mean I am 100% immune to the expectations.  Like a man texting after or in betwen dates. 

I still think about it which is why I admitted I had mixed feelings.  Even though right now at this moment I'm cool with it. 

 

 

To me it was never about conditioning - I dated men who dated in a traditional way, and I wasn't a brainwashed sheep or conditioned -on my own I expected the man to show interest in dating me in particular ways and if those ways were typical -meaning in general my friends felt the same way -so be it -it was still my personal expectations.  And those expectations helped me many many times avoid wasting time and by contrast I saw many women rationalize and dismiss what they were feeling as "oh I'm just brainwashed by society" and end up wasting time/getting jaded or cynical about "men".  

I understand you feel like in hindsight you were not being your own person.  I think you shouldn't throw it all out as conditioning.  

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand you feel like in hindsight you were not being your own person.  I think you shouldn't throw it all out as conditioning.  

No it was definitely societal conditioning. 

In my neck of the woods, the society I was raised in, there was always a lot of pressure from every which way to behave in a certain way, speak in a certain way, look a certain way, respond in a certain way, BE a certain way.

Men too.  We all had our roles and we played the part based on what "society" taught us and expected.  I felt like a robot sometimes!  I didn't know who I was, what my place was. 

I think we've discussed this previously and I understand you cannot relate, and I respect that. 

But for me, and the society I was raised in, those expectations were ingrained deep within.

I moved away and eventually became my own person but as I said, some of it still remains and creeps up on me once in awhile.

 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No it was definitely societal conditioning. 

In my neck of the woods, the society I was raised in, there was always a lot of pressure from every which way to behave in a certain way, speak in a certain way, look a certain way, respond in a certain way, BE a certain way.

Men too.  We all had our roles and we played the part based on what "society" taught us and expected.  I felt like a robot sometimes!  I didn't know who I was, what my place was. 

I think we've discussed this previously and I understand you cannot relate, and I respect that. 

But for me, and the society I was raised in, those expectations were ingrained deep within.

I moved away and eventually became my own person but as I said, some of it still remains and creeps up on me once in awhile.

 

I'm sorry you felt so restricted and constrained.  It sounds a bit like the religious private school I went to until 6th grade and in hindsight I love the values the school instilled.  

I also think some people glom on to that sort of environment more than others -either out of fear of "rebelling" or because that level of restriction is comforting in a way -not as many decisions to make.  I'm glad you feel like your own person! Some of my former classmates later on swung completely the other way -went a bit wild!

[mylolita]

This is such a fab topic rainbows and great news! I mean, from my perspective over here it looks VERY GOOD! 🤩

 

Sorry, I have derailed as well! 
 

The texting, no contact, contact thing… I just don’t get the deep debate about it! To me, personally, if you’re besotted with someone and lightening has struck, you just want to be with them all the time, see them as soon as possible and make sure they know it! 
 

But I understand not everyone is the same and this is why this contact thing is such a minefield!!! 
 

The only personal experience I have of this is when I met my husband! 2008 - I was 18, he was 28. He had an iPhone, I didn’t have a smart phone. Never had a boyfriend before. The night he asked for my number, or MySpace, actually(!) I came home after my shift at 3am to a big message from him saying how lovely it was to meet me and reaffirming the date he’d set up and looking forward to it and yadda yadda! It just read as intensely cute! Especially since my husband is such a “bloke” - he was boxing at this point and when I met him had half his front tooth out! HA! I don’t know - because the feeling was so mutual, it wasn’t annoying or soppy or weird, it was just exciting and thrilling and comforting! So back and forth we went until the date two nights away, and then after that date, that felt like it lasted 3 days but really only one massive evening(!) we couldn’t be apart from that moment forward! And a few weeks later, we half moved in together, then a month or two, properly moved in after that.

 

All very sudden and intense but honestly rainbows, it sounds so corny and naive but, it was true love, it really was - a meeting of minds and souls, and I’ll never forget my walking on air for about 3 years after. I still say our honeymoon phase never left, and we’re 15 years in now and 3 kids later! 
 

I think it does happen, not just in the movies, but in real life. If a guy is head over heels for you, I think he can’t but help himself to need to see you, and make you his. I realise some guys be women are different. But it was a lightening strike moment, and maybe one in a million, in a way.

 

Old romantic here, I realise my perception and dramatic way of thinking about life can influence the way I felt and saw our experience, but my husband feels the same way and he is a straight talking, “mans man” and not one for overly soppy this and that 24/7, but he is deeply romantic, like most men I believe, when they find their right match!!!

 

Different women often have different experiences of the same man, and vice versa! 
 

I think he is very interested and I think it’s beautiful how he asked you out and I say, follow your heart and do this your own way! 
 

I think it’s great! 
 

x

[Batya33]

I'm in the one date at a time camp.  I was asked out with plans in advance many many times when I dated -very very ordinary/typical -I like this guy's flare with the mystery -that's creative! He is interested in seeing you again and interested in taking you out on a date.  I would self-talk this reality -these facts (as close as you can get to facts -assuming he shows up -I really think he will!!) - as much as possible -head in the clouds/feet on the ground -so you enjoy to the hilt -this date and assume it is the last date unless and until you two make plans for another (whether you ask or he does).  

I don't think texting in between dates shows interest in dating.  If there is no other date planned I personally would avoid it -lets the guy put in minimal effort and get to chat with the lady, get his ego boost.  If there is another date planned I'd minimize it and value getting to know each other in person or at least on a phone call -then the person has to put in effort to get to know you and then it's less like chat buddy stuff and more like unwrapping layers of a package over a period o time.

JMHO.

[mylolita]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm in the one date at a time camp.  I was asked out with plans in advance many many times when I dated -very very ordinary/typical -I like this guy's flare with the mystery -that's creative! He is interested in seeing you again and interested in taking you out on a date.  I would self-talk this reality -these facts (as close as you can get to facts -assuming he shows up -I really think he will!!) - as much as possible -head in the clouds/feet on the ground -so you enjoy to the hilt -this date and assume it is the last date unless and until you two make plans for another (whether you ask or he does).  

I don't think texting in between dates shows interest in dating.  If there is no other date planned I personally would avoid it -lets the guy put in minimal effort and get to chat with the lady, get his ego boost.  If there is another date planned I'd minimize it and value getting to know each other in person or at least on a phone call -then the person has to put in effort to get to know you and then it's less like chat buddy stuff and more like unwrapping layers of a package over a period o time.

JMHO.

Batya! 
 

I prefer the meeting in person totally! And I’m not one for a phone call really, only with people I genuinely like! 
 

I remember the 5 hour phone convo’s I had with my husband when he only lived a 10 minute walk from my parents house but me or him would call everyday and it lasted ages! Time flew! 
 

I realise that seems intense, and I guess a lot of people these days might coin it “love bombing”?! But there was only pure emotion and thrill of falling in love behind it, and I was young, and he thought he’d just found the girl he wanted to marry, and secretly I thought I’d found the same, and we are both a little intense, so with all that in the mix you got a “from that day forward never apart!” thing going on! 
 

It’s interesting because it also seems to depend on the personalities of each person in the new couple! Some people are very introverted and want to keep to themselves and worry a lot how other people may perceive them, other people are impulsive and passionate and do whatever comes into their head. So many different factors. 
 

I definitely would NEVER listen to “your girlfriends”, as, unfortunately, most woman actually don’t have true friends, and some mean well, and others can sadly mean not so well, and they can sabotage or want to derail your happiest and most promising opportunities. 
 

I think falling in love is such a concentrated, secret thing, between the man and the woman - and to bring others into it, it seems to water the whole thing down and also add complications when there need not be any! 
 

It’s definitely, in my opinion, a ride for two… not three, or four, or ten! Hen pecking everything to pieces. 
 

I remember wanting to shout it from the hills and giddily spilling it to all my friends and, I didn’t even ask for advice but I got “he’s quite old isn’t he” and “remember first loves don’t last” and “you’re moving too fast” and “you’re too young to know what you want” and “sorry but he’s probably got other young girls on the side and you’re going to find that out soon” and on and on. I never listened of course! They didn’t know him like I did 🥲

 

x

[Jaunty]

16 hours ago, kim42 said:

TAlso, based on my personal experiences, if a man was interested in me, he would try to stay in touch. Then again, it's just my personal preference.

From my POV this is because you want a lot of reassurance that the guy is very interested in you.  I believe you're working through this now - but in your prior thread you wrote something along the lines of "I know that if a guy is interested he will do anything to see you."

I am not going to criticize that, and for all I know you are leaving that behind.

In any case, you do you, but that removes the chance to get to actually know how interested you are or he is because he jumped through the hoops to "prove" how interested he is.  

And then you are left feeling comfortable because he jumped through the hoops and "proved" it.  

I am always saying on these boards - to the point where people are no doubt sick of it - that this weird trust that texting contact actually demonstrates real interest is FAKE.  Guy does not know you at that point.  Not at all.  

It may be reassuring and flattering, but it may mean nothing - or maybe not what you *think* it means.

I definitely agree that when people have met on an app, and they are exposed to hundreds of potential dates,  contact is an important way to let someone know that they have your attention.

But there is a lot to be said for people getting to know each other and LEARNING how interested they may or may not be in the process of seeing each other.   

Wanting to see a person and following through, when you don't know them, is the best sign of interest.

[Jaunty]

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

That's how I see it too.

I think if you were as cool as you were with it you wouldn't be on here needing to say you're a certain type of way. Let alone create a whole thread along that basis. You wouldn't need to say a bunch of stuff to fill a page to say "this is how I am."

 

I see it as the OP is experimenting with DATING the old fashioned way.   

It really does make a difference that she was not looking - in fact, actively not looking.

But she, like all of us, has habits as well as insecurities.   Maybe she is not so chill and easy-breezy as she is presenting at this moment, but she is not playing to her insecurities  right now.  

If these two people start really dating and having some appropriate expectations of each other, and they do not stay in touch, that could prove to be a big hole.  

But for now, they can learn about each other when they are spending time together.

At the same time, the OP is not falling into the habit of looking to have anxieties assuaged by texting banter.  

One thing for sure:  "staying in touch by text" with a person one is not even formally in a dating relationship with is going to give a fake sense of how interested they are.  It's like feeling hungry and then believing that you've taken care of that by eating a package of cookies.

 

[kim42]

39 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

From my POV this is because you want a lot of reassurance that the guy is very interested in you.  I believe you're working through this now - but in your prior thread you wrote something along the lines of "I know that if a guy is interested he will do anything to see you."

I am not going to criticize that, and for all I know you are leaving that behind.

In any case, you do you, but that removes the chance to get to actually know how interested you are or he is because he jumped through the hoops to "prove" how interested he is.  

And then you are left feeling comfortable because he jumped through the hoops and "proved" it.  

I am always saying on these boards - to the point where people are no doubt sick of it - that this weird trust that texting contact actually demonstrates real interest is FAKE.  Guy does not know you at that point.  Not at all.  

It may be reassuring and flattering, but it may mean nothing - or maybe not what you *think* it means.

I definitely agree that when people have met on an app, and they are exposed to hundreds of potential dates,  contact is an important way to let someone know that they have your attention.

But there is a lot to be said for people getting to know each other and LEARNING how interested they may or may not be in the process of seeing each other.   

Wanting to see a person and following through, when you don't know them, is the best sign of interest.

Yes, I'm working through some things at the moment and I believe I've changed some habits compared to my previous threads.

As for texting, I don't think it's good to 'measure' someone's interest mainly on much they text or don't text, I agree that making plans and following through, and spending time together is more important.

Then again, I don't see anything wrong with exchanging a few messages between meets/dates, I think it's nice to stay in light touch.

I know women who would cancel a date because the guy didn't text them prior to the date - I definitely would not take it that far.

I also have a friend who met someone recently and he texts her all the time, even when she's out with her friends, and he knows about it, and he's blowing up her phone. That would be way too much for me, but there are girls in our group who think it's 'cute'.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I also have a friend who met someone recently and he texts her all the time, even when she's out with her friends, and he knows about it, and he's blowing up her phone. That would be way too much for me, but there are girls in our group who think it's 'cute'.

Just my personal opinion but I dont think it's "cute" at all, it's incredibly needy, guy needs to get a life and find a purpose other than chasing women (plural) on text for validation all day. 

I would be utterly turned off by that; true even back when I enjoyed texting! 

Like @Jauntysaid, I might have said same earlier, texting does not indicate interest. It indicates the person is most likely bored and seeking the validation that texting gives them. 

It's more what THEY need versus wanting to show interest to the other person, imo and experience.

A man on another forum I was friendly with even admitted this to me, he even admitted it on the public forum!  

He showed us his bucket list of text exchanges - he would flirt and banter with women on text, suggest meeting up and then flake with some flimsy excuse, he never had any intention of meeting them! 

It was all done for validation, again he admitted it!

This was years ago but don't think things have changed much, they may have even gotten worse, as far as texting goes anyway.  

As far as texting in between dates, if the date is like a week or two away, yeah it's nice to touch base in between, something light.

But in our case, our next date was only four days away, so not necessary.

Hopefully he texts this afternoon or tomorrow morning to confirm. I'm thinking it will probably be tomorrow morning.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I also want to add after thinking more about it and why I'm not allowing my insecurities to steer my ship; it's because he asked for second date at the end of our first. 

That right there gave me the reassurance I needed that he is interested.  As am I so I accepted!

Had he not asked me out, I'd be wondering if he would and thus anxiously awaiting his text. 

But that's not what happened here and I like the way it went down. He asked me out again in a cool way and left me anticipating what comes next!