Talk About Spontaneous!

[MrMan1983]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had no idea if I'd want to go on a date until we met in person

The only difference is you don't call the original 'meet' a date whereas most other people do if the intention is to meet someone (off the dating apps for example) in the hope it goes somewhere with someone eventually. If it doesn't go well, then a second date doesn't happen. Simple naming difference.

Lift guys initial meet was in that lift, then asked her on a date a far as I'm concerned.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi guys, to update, no he hasn't texted and I am 100% fine with that!  And I mean it.

I've thought this through and honestly and truly, I'm glad he hasn't texted.

In my mind, it's too "thirsty" for ME after only getting together the one time. It tells me he has a life, perhaps other options, which I'm sure he does, and isn't going to fall over backwards attempting to "prove" his interest or whatever.  

That or HE needs reassurance.  No thank you to both. 

I don't need it and find it contrived tbh.  I KNOW he's interested by virtue of how well we got on together and connected Wednesday night.  I'm trying to stick with that and stay relaxed.  Hopefully he feels the same way about it.

We have a 'date' Sunday at noon, hopefully he will text Sunday morning to confirm.  But if not, I will be ready to go at noon!  If he stands me up, so be, I'll call a friend and go have brunch.  

That's it, I truly do not care about the label (date or meet), frankly I dislike labels.   I prefer to focus on the connection and how well we get on together.

This is how I feel at the moment anyway!!  I hope it sticks and I can remain chill about it versus getting caught up in emotion, overthinking and doubting (i.e freaking out, lol).

If I do hear from him before Sunday, I'll let you know and heck it's possible I may even shoot him a quick text saying hi if I feel like it, not ruling anything out.  I'm not a planner. 

Just playing it all by ear at this point, which is very much my style and has worked pretty well for me at least in the initial stages. 

It's later once we get into the nitty gritty of the relationship where I have trouble. 

Thanks again guys and yeah this IS fun! 

[Batya33]

It’s good to know yourself and that you’re not a planner. And I’m glad you planned on an alternative if he doesn’t show up. I used to do that too. I didn’t need labels either but the meaning underneath the label mattered a great deal to me since I didn’t have time to waste on men who didn’t intend to go on a date with me and I wanted a man who could identify but an understood label what he wanted in general in the future. Parenthood. Career. Higher education - what sort of degree if he was going to pursue another one. And what his current degree meant to him. Not just as a label.

 

It gave me a common ground to start a conversation and see if it was worth my time to get to know this person. For sure whether I felt comfortable in his presence mattered a great deal. On the other hand the connection was completely irrelevant if there were initial dealbreakers.  Just explaining my perspective. Totally get yours is different !

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

The only difference is you don't call the original 'meet' a date whereas most other people do if the intention is to meet someone (off the dating apps for example) in the hope it goes somewhere with someone eventually. If it doesn't go well, then a second date doesn't happen. Simple naming difference.

Lift guys initial meet was in that lift, then asked her on a date a far as I'm concerned.

Not to me because I asked men to meet in person. I wasn’t asking him on a date. I expected if a man asked me out that he would at least offer to treat- I did not expect this on a first meet. 
I must have read wrong - I thought the guy asked her if she wanted to meet up at a bar and have nachos and a drink. Yes if he called it a date that’s different. 

[MrMan1983]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not to me because I asked men to meet in person. I wasn’t asking him on a date. I expected if a man asked me out that he would at least offer to treat- I did not expect this on a first meet. 
I must have read wrong - I thought the guy asked her if she wanted to meet up at a bar and have nachos and a drink. Yes if he called it a date that’s different. 

May I ask (and genuinely curious) what is your definition of a date? To most people it’s meeting up with someone with the intention of seeing if they’re a match for a second date, it’s kind of assumed that’s the intention usually as most people aren’t looking for just a new friend. For example lift guy asking Rainbow if she wants to meet up, it’s pretty clear the intention. Again I think it’s just a labelling difference/semantics. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not to me because I asked men to meet in person. I wasn’t asking him on a date. I expected if a man asked me out that he would at least offer to treat- I did not expect this on a first meet. 
I must have read wrong - I thought the guy asked her if she wanted to meet up at a bar and have nachos and a drink. Yes if he called it a date that’s different. 

Bat, again don't really care so much about the label.  But for all intents and purposes, I considered it a date.  It was last minute and spontaneous but nevertheless still a date in my mind.

Sunday we have another date, a "proper" date since it was planned in advance with a time.  Not a place yet, but he's picking me up at noon and I am fine not knowing what he's planning.

I am also not too concerned about dates being "proper" either, it's all too contrived IMHO.

Again jmo and I know you see it differently and I totally respect that but I sometimes think people can become so caught up in whether it was a meet or date, whether it's a proper date, etc that they miss the whole purpose, which is to connect with each other and see where that connection leads.

 

[MrMan1983]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi guys, to update, no he hasn't texted and I am 100% fine with that!  And I mean it.

I've thought this through and honestly and truly, I'm glad he hasn't texted.

In my mind, it's too "thirsty" for ME after only getting together the one time. It tells me he has a life, perhaps other options, which I'm sure he does, and isn't going to fall over backwards attempting to "prove" his interest or whatever.  

That or HE needs reassurance.  No thank you to both. 

I don't need it and find it contrived tbh.  I KNOW he's interested by virtue of how well we got on together and connected Wednesday night.  I'm trying to stick with that and stay relaxed.  Hopefully he feels the same way about it.

We have a 'date' Sunday at noon, hopefully he will text Sunday morning to confirm.  But if not, I will be ready to go at noon!  If he stands me up, so be, I'll call a friend and go have brunch.  

That's it, I truly do not care about the label (date or meet), frankly I dislike labels.   I prefer to focus on the connection and how well we get on together.

This is how I feel at the moment anyway!!  I hope it sticks and I can remain chill about it versus getting caught up in emotion, overthinking and doubting (i.e freaking out, lol).

If I do hear from him before Sunday, I'll let you know and heck it's possible I may even shoot him a quick text saying hi if I feel like it, not ruling anything out.  I'm not a planner. 

Just playing it all by ear at this point, which is very much my style and has worked pretty well for me at least in the initial stages. 

It's later once we get into the nitty gritty of the relationship where I have trouble. 

Thanks again guys and yeah this IS fun! 

Good that you’re relaxed about it, hopefully one of you get in touch 🙂Disagree with notion of him being too thirsty if he had contacted you though. Other women would say he’s not being interested enough. In reality it’s a shame it matters at all, even if he text right after. What a minefield 😂 

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Good that you’re relaxed about it, hopefully one of you get in touch 🙂Disagree with notion of him being too thirsty if he had contacted you though. Other women would say he’s not being interested enough. In reality it’s a shame it matters at all, even if he text right after. What a minefield 😂 

I think it's interesting to see how texting, or the lack of texting can be preceived, depending on the person.

I'm also glad @rainbowsandroses is relaxed about it🙂

[MrMan1983]

Just now, kim42 said:

I think it's interesting to see how texting, or the lack of texting can be preceived, depending on the person.

I'm also glad @rainbowsandroses is relaxed about it🙂

Yep, it’s like a game of roulette 😂 

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Other women would say he’s not being interested enough.

Yes I know what other women say, I'm hearing it from my friends now!

Other women also like receiving flowers and other romantuc gestures (which I do not, again too contrived) and even being "lovebombed" (in some cases) which I definitely do not!  

Again, I determine his interest by how we vibe and connect in person, NOT by how often he texts. 

I think people have different reasons for so much texting during the very early stages, which I won't get into because it's not really relevant here.  

Bottom line is I dislike it, for various reasons and hopefully he feels the same!  😀

 

[HeartGoesOn]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sunday we have another date, a "proper" date since it was planned in advance with a time.  Not a place yet, but he's picking me up at noon and I am fine not knowing what he's planning.

Where is he "picking you up" at?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Disagree with notion of him being too thirsty if he had contacted you though. Other women would say he’s not being interested enough.

I'm wondering if you forgot that we ended our date around 11:00 pm Wednesday night.  And that yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S.?

I'm baffled as to how anyone, woman or man, could perceive lack of interest because he hadn't texted within 24-48 hours after the first date?  And after we clicked so well while actually on the date? 

What's that about, insecurity?  Need for reassurance?   Can you clarify your thought process about it @MrMan1983?   

I mean it's not like we had first time sex or anything. 😉

I suppose he could have texted yesterday to wish me a happy Thanksgiving holiday, which in my mind I might have perceived as too eager (thirsty) after ending our date less than 24 hours prior.  

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Where is he "picking you" up at?

My place.  

[Jaunty]

38 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think it's interesting to see how texting, or the lack of texting can be preceived, depending on the person.

I'm also glad @rainbowsandroses is relaxed about it🙂

I don't want to derail this thread but you might benefit from paying attention to this yourself.   

It's the "expectations" created with a lot of texting between people who truly do not know each other, have an established relationship of any kind, or maybe even know what they themselves want, that end up causing so much trouble.

As of right now, this guy and the OP are meeting on equal ground right here:  Apparently they BOTH are interested in each other enough to go on a date on Sunday.  

What good would arise from being in contact between now and Sunday (possibly with the exception of one confirmation text).   I'm wondering what you think.

From my perspective, it would only serve to promote built up expectations or anxiety about "how much interest."

If he shows up,  it shows that YES, he was interested in going out with her on Sunday.

And that's what they will do.   How that plays out is what will inform the next step (or lack thereof).   

 

[MrMan1983]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm wondering if you forgot that we ended our awesome date around 11:00 pm Wednesday night.  And that yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S.?

I'm baffled as to how anyone, woman or man, could perceive lack of interest because he hadn't texted within 24-48 hours after the first date?  And after we clicked so well while actually on the date? 

What's that about, insecurity?  Need for reassurance?   Can you clarify your thought process about it @MrMan1983?   

I mean it's not like we had first time sex or anything. 😉

I suppose he could have texted yesterday to wish me a happy Thanksgiving holiday, which in my mind I would have perceived as too eager (thirsty) after only one date. 

Might have even turned me off. 

 

Yep wasn’t aware with the time difference (and that your date finished at 11pm) and based in UK so thanksgiving wasn’t on my radar either. I’m on the same page about disliking texting in general I more meant the him being perceived as thirsty based on the timing of a post date text. Eg. If you had a lovely night with someone and next day send a ‘Had a great night, let’s do it again on <insert date>’ could make or break it depending on when it’s sent, to me that shouldn’t matter in the bigger picture. Obviously if someone was going all full on double texty manic keeno that’s different 😂 But that’s where I was coming from, a wishful thinking that texts/timing of them weren’t a big thing. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Good that you’re relaxed about it, hopefully one of you get in touch 🙂Disagree with notion of him being too thirsty if he had contacted you though. Other women would say he’s not being interested enough. In reality it’s a shame it matters at all, even if he text right after. What a minefield 😂 

I think he’s solidly interested in seeing her again and he showed that by asking her out in advance for a specific day and time. Whether he’s interested in a date beyond that - no one knows !  Maybe he doesn’t even know. And even if he texted her now and said he was he might mean it. He might be really excited aboti hsvifk met her.
But unless he texted and said “ok so every Sunday in December I’m going to take you out and also get you a partridge in a pear tree “ a text with nice words wouldn’t mean any additional interest in any relevant way. Texting is easy.

this guy put in the effort to plan a proper date in advance. So we know he’s interested in taking her out on Sunday unless he’s some sort of pathological liar lol. 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't want to derail this thread but you might benefit from paying attention to this yourself.   

It's the "expectations" created with a lot of texting between people who truly do not know each other, have an established relationship of any kind, or maybe even know what they themselves want, that end up causing so much trouble.

As of right now, this guy and the OP are meeting on equal ground right here:  Apparently they BOTH are interested in each other enough to go on a date on Sunday.  

What good would arise from being in contact between now and Sunday (possibly with the exception of one confirmation text).   I'm wondering what you think.

From my perspective, it would only serve to promote built up expectations or anxiety about "how much interest."

If he shows up,  it shows that YES, he was interested in going out with her on Sunday.

And that's what they will do.   How that plays out is what will inform the next step (or lack thereof).   

 

Thanks @Jauntyyou explained it perfectly.

I know in the past, if a man hadn't texted soon after the date or even immediately after, my insecurities would kick in and I would convince myself he wasn't interested.

Why?  Because that is what I had been conditioned by society to believe AND expect.  

I do believe men have been taught this as well (in some form or fashion), which is why they text to show or "prove" his interest.

None or very little of it is coming from his heart, he's doing what is "expected" otherwise he risks the woman believing (falsely) he's not that interested and nexting him. 

That's what I mean by contrived.  It's not coming from a genuine place, it's about what we expect "should" happen or how things "should" be.

Versus being patient, less attached to an outcome and allowing everything to unfold and develop naturally and organically.

$.02. 😀

[MrMan1983]

25 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What's that about, insecurity?  Need for reassurance?   Can you clarify your thought process about it @MrMan1983?   

That wasn’t from my own perspective, I was giving an example in the opposite direction to demonstrate it’s a no winner for the other person the timing texts thing as you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t sometimes. If I could eradicate texting altogether I would love to 😂

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, again don't really care so much about the label.  But for all intents and purposes, I considered it a date.  It was last minute and spontaneous but nevertheless still a date in my mind.

Sunday we have another date, a "proper" date since it was planned in advance with a time.  Not a place yet, but he's picking me up at noon and I am fine not knowing what he's planning.

I am also not too concerned about dates being "proper" either, it's all too contrived IMHO.

Again jmo and I know you see it differently and I totally respect that but I sometimes think people can become so caught up in whether it was a meet or date, whether it's a proper date, etc that they miss the whole purpose, which is to connect with each other and see where that connection leads.

 

That wasn’t my purpose in dating. I didn’t care where the connection led to   I didn’t label it that way - as a connection. I only cared if this man who showed an interest in dating me kept asking me out on dates with enthusiasm - or accepted my suggestion or asking out with enthusiasm and whether we had enough in common and were clicking to keep dating.  It wasn’t the connection that led anywhere relevant to me. It was whether our actions towards each other progressed to more serious interactions and a desire to take it that way. 
I did think of it as you describe if it was a fling - like “ohhh he’s cute and a good dancer. Let’s see if this continues to be fun and exciting this week at club med - who knows if we’ll feel the same tomorrow but it’s fun to just see how it goes “. 
I thought part of the courting ritual even if traditional was important because then both serious minded people knew where they stood. And the meaning underneath the traditions would be gleaned soon enough. 
 I’m glad you’re so in tune with what you want out of interacting with men you might feel attracted to and it seems to me you’re comfortable with not planning in advance and cooo whether the person would have potential for long term or short term or medium term. I didn’t have that sort of time given my goals.  

[MrMan1983]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think he’s solidly interested in seeing her again and he showed thst byvslsokg her out in advance for a specific day and time. Whether he’s interested in a date beyond that - no one knows !  Maybe he doesn’t even know. And even if he texted her now and said he was he might mean it. He might be really excited aboti hsvifk met her.
But unless he texted and said “ok so every Sunday in December I’m going to take you out and also get you a partridge in a pear tree “ a text with nice words wouldn’t mean any additional interest in any relevant way. Texting is easy.

this guy put in the effort to plan a proper date in advance. So we know he’s interested in taking her out on Sunday unless he’s some sort of pathological liar lol. 

Yeh I worded it badly, I wasn’t making a literal point about his interest levels I was giving more of an example of why the timing shouldn’t matter too much on the timing of a text in most cases (eg. Thirsty, not thirsty). I think he sounded nice and interested too. My bad though I worded it in a confusing way. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

That wasn’t from my own perspective, I was giving an example in the opposite direction to demonstrate it’s a no winner for the other person the timing texts thing as you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t sometimes. If I could eradicate texting altogether I would love to 😂

I didn’t have a cell till I was in my 3rd trimester. It was a flip phone. I had a blackberry with email. Husband had a flip phone. I think it was better that way. We spoke by phone every night we didn’t see each other once we were exclusive and we often emailed once or twice during the day. I loved that we didn’t check in in that way and I loved our phone conversations at night.
 

I spent 6 hours - all at once - in the 3 years or so we dated before getting engaged worried that he hadn’t contacted me because he wasn’t as into me or something. We’d been dating 6 months. Turned out had nothing to do with me. 

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't want to derail this thread

@Jauntyand everyone - just to know, I don't mind at all if the thread gets derailed; if this topic leads to another interesting but different topic, assuming it's okay with the mods, it's OK by me!

 

[MrMan1983]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

@Jauntyand everyone - just to know, I don't mind at all if the thread gets derailed; if this topic leads to another interesting but different topic, assuming it's okay with the mods, it's OK by me!

 

I deffo did some derailing 😂 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

If you had a lovely night with someone and next day send a ‘Had a great night, let’s do it again on <insert date>’ could make or break it depending on when it’s sent, to me that shouldn’t matter in the bigger picture. 

Totally agree!  But a different scenario from what happened with us. 

We had already acknowledged it was a great night and already scheduled another date.

There is actually no reason for him to text except to confirm, tomorrow or Sunday morn.  :))

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree!  But a different scenario from what happened with us. 

We had already acknowledged it was a great night and already scheduled another date.

There is actually no reason for him to text except to confirm, tomorrow or Sunday morn.  :))

 

Yes and I love that you have an alternative if he’s a no show. I think he will show up !!