What's wrong my son's dad?

[Sindy_0311]

hello everyone, I divorced from my ex about two years ago. Our son is 8 and we have shared custody (50%), We live in the same neighborhood. During our years of marriage, I was mainly doing every thing at home. He wanted a kid, so we made one. When the kid arrived, he knew how to change diapers etc and was very present. But when he grew older I noticed that he would never play with him. They would sometimes go out to play football but he would usually play ten minutes with the kid and then scroll his phone and let him play alone. 

Our divorce was not easy. I decided to leave. A few month after our divorce, we had a fight. I was supposed to get my kid after work, so I went to town and there he was with his friends, drinking, and my kid. He said he would drive home with the kid. He put the kid in the car and I was holding the door for him not to enter and drive. I told him to get the kid out that I would go walking but he refused, he first threw me on the floor and and on my second attempt to get the kid, he pushed me against a wall and hold my neck with his hand shouting at me. My kid was crying in the car. Someone called the police, but they came too late, he left with the kid, I couldn't do anything

Last Christmas at my parents, He sensed that I was cold, and he was drunk again. That’s why I told him that finally the kid would sleep at my place. At 2 am that same night, he came to my door, shouted and pounded at my door. The kid woke up. (but no harm done, I was afraid though) 

Another time he was shouting at me and holding my arm strongly and throwing my bag on the floor, two lady were passing by and told him they would call the police. 

Another time, he got arrested while driving drunk with the kid in the car…that was the worse thing that happened. he lost his license for a few month. 

Now two years passed and I’m seriously starting to wonder whether it’s safe for my kid to live with him 50% of the time. See, last Wednesday my kid got and accident while playing football with a friend at a birthday party. He injured his leg, cracked his tibia. My ex was not present, but his girlfriend was and called him when it happened, and they waited almost three hours before bringing him to the hospital until he came from work. She just stayed with my son at the party on a little bench with ice on his leg. He didn’t even call me to tell me what happened, so I could drive him to hospital directly I didn't know anything. Its only In the evening when I was supposed to pick him up, he wants there so I called him and he told me they were to the emergency. 

for the context: He met his girlfriend 6 month ago, and they already got an apartment together 1 month ago. she has no kids, she seems kind but my son tells me how they argue and fight sometimes. (Since our divorce he presented my son to various women, even the ones he had nothing serious going on with) 

When we were at the hospital last Wednesday, my son was afraid and asked what the doctors would do… My ex told him “yeah maybe they will cut your leg”. that was so mean.
I told my ex I didn’t get why they waited so long to go to the hospital and that they should have called me. He was mad at me for accusing him of neglecting.  

On Thursday evening we had a meeting at school for parents. He didn’t come. Last week he said he would, had no excuse (my mom was staying with the kid at ma place), but he didn’t come.

Yesterday my mom told me how my kid would go directly in the playroom when his dad brings him to her place. He doesn’t stay with them in the living room to have a little chat all together before he leave for work) 
She thinks this is strange…
In fact, when my son speaks, his dad always cuts him short, this is something I noticed a long time ago. 

See, my son, likes him very very much, I mean it’s his dad, he is funny, drives a great car, is good looking, buys him fancy clothes and toys… but frankly I don’t think he is a "good" dad and I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him….

I need some outside point of views to help me decide whether he would be better for my kid to stay with me more. 

[Batya33]

I think it would be best for your child to have professionals involved -whether that's the courts/lawyers/therapists/social workers -some combo of this - to decide how best to keep him safe.  What you described doesn't sound safe let alone in his best interests.  The answer might be to stay with you more and/or maybe with grandparents -I mean I don't mean because he should "not" be with you I'm just saying I'd get professionals involved and use those resources to determine what is best.  I'm glad you're being proactive and I am very sorry about this situation!

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Now two years passed and I’m seriously starting to wonder whether it’s safe for my kid to live with him 50% of the time.

You think? You knew that your ex is an abusive alcie. That has no business taking care of the kid. You should have asked the full custody based on his previous actions. Because it wasnt safe for you and it sure as Hell isnt safe for your 8 year old to be in the vicinity of somebody who is an abusive alcoholic. 

Go have a meeting with a lawyer and see what you can do to limit his rights. You literally had an incident where your kid ended up in a hospital. I think that should be good enough to present as an evidence of his neglect of your son.

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You should have asked the full custody based on his previous actions.

Yeah but the thing is it all happened after our divorce. him driving drunk with my kid/ the hand on my neck/the 24th of December and his accident on Wednesday... Maybe I wasn't so focused on his drinking problem because I was with him all the time I would drive and tell him to go away or calm down when beyond the kid... The thing is he drinks when he goes out or in the weekend. he doesn't drink during the week because he is a driver. And now, I cannot control what he does anymore.. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The thing is he drinks when he goes out or in the weekend. he doesn't drink during the week because he is a driver. And now, I cannot control what he does anymore.. 

You need to make note of all the happenings.  he can NOT be acting out when he has your kid visiting him!

My first ex was an alcy and he ended up w/ supervised visits due to his behaviour.  he didn't like it, but, he caused it all.

You get on the courts now!  Get a lawyer and get arranged alternate weekends or something.  And say to HIM, "you are free to drink when you do NOT have your kid, the weekend you do have him to keep that under control". 

And you make sure your lawyer knows ALL that's been going on. Your lawyer can step in with informing the courts of your concerns and get it written up pretty fast, hopefully.

But. contact a lawyer Monday!  

 

[LootieTootie]

IF you don't trust your ex, then yes you should have your son stay with you as the primary parent. I would also use the injury as evidence of his continued negligence as a father. Talk to your family lawyer. I think kids are super forgiving when it comes to their parents flaws. They love their mom, or their dad, regardless if they are crappy parents. However, when they get older, they know better and I think your son will appreciate you later for doing this, even if it sucks.

[Sindy_0311]

13 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

But. contact a lawyer Monday!  

I have legal expenses insurance and I can have access to a lawyer for free, so it not a money concern. But I have been talking with a social counselor and also with my sister and brother in law today. They all advice me to try to solve it in a light way. Like talking to my kid, about the dangers of alcool, of people driving under alcool, how it’s forbidden and how he should never get in a car with a drunk driver. They also told me to buy him a phone, so he can call me whenever he wants if he feels unsafe or has an accident. 
essentially they told me that if I call a lawyer or the court I will declare a war and things will only get worse. The counselor also told me that I can notice to social services if I think my kid is not safe, so they can start to investigate. But this is also making troubles… frankly I don’t know if warning my kid about the dangers would be enough or if I have to go further… I need to talk to my mom tonight to know what she thinks about all this…

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I have legal expenses insurance and I can have access to a lawyer for free, so it not a money concern. But I have been talking with a social counselor and also with my sister and brother in law today. They all advice me to try to solve it in a light way. Like talking to my kid, about the dangers of alcool, of people driving under alcool, how it’s forbidden and how he should never get in a car with a drunk driver. They also told me to buy him a phone, so he can call me whenever he wants if he feels unsafe or has an accident. 
essentially they told me that if I call a lawyer or the court I will declare a war and things will only get worse. The counselor also told me that I can notice to social services if I think my kid is not safe, so they can start to investigate. But this is also making troubles… frankly I don’t know if warning my kid about the dangers would be enough or if I have to go further… I need to talk to my mom tonight to know what she thinks about all this…

I don't agree in this situation given the danger and risks. And at the same time I defer to the professionals you've consulted with. I wouldn't know how to warn a young kid about whether to tell if someone is under the influence but I wish you luck!

[boltnrun]

I don't see how your son having a phone protects him if his dad is driving him around when he's been drinking alcohol. 

My friend's ex husband had three DUIs in six months (!) and he was forbidden to drive their child anywhere. Period. 

[Wiseman2]

Very sorry this is happening. Your ex seems abusive to you and abusive and negligent with your child.

Please don't place the responsibility of protecting himself on an 8 year old. He's not in a position to determine drunk driving and when to go to the hospital.

Please reflect if not making waves with your ex is really in the boy's best interest.

[Seraphim]

Your 8 year old is not responsible for his own protection; period, ever in any circumstance. Also “ not making problems” won’t be a consolation when he is in the hospital or worse. YOU are his protector. 

[Crawfords Wine]

23 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Like talking to my kid, about the dangers of alcool, of people driving under alcool, how it’s forbidden and how he should never get in a car with a drunk driver.

Great advice to give to a teenager or young adult. Not so much for an 8 year old stuck in the middle of his two warring parents.

What is he supposed to do when faced with his drunk, possibly belligerent, impatient or even angry father when he tells  his son to 'get in the car'? 

I agree with other posters, this needs to be dealt with by the adults in the room, along with legal professionals and possibly social workers or therapists.

You need to step up, stop playing nice with your ex and start looking out for a small boy who needs to be protected from all this. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Crawfords Wine said:

Great advice to give to a teenager or young adult. Not so much for an 8 year old stuck in the middle of his two warring parents.

What is he supposed to do when faced with his drunk, possibly belligerent, impatient or even angry father when he tells  his son to 'get in the car'? 

I agree with other posters, this needs to be dealt with by the adults in the room, along with legal professionals and possibly social workers or therapists.

You need to step up, stop playing nice with your ex and start looking out for a small boy who needs to be protected from all this. 

 

In this particular situation I wouldn't make a teen advocate for himself either-not with a parent.  With a stranger- yes -but it's not fair to make him confront his buzzed/drunk father.  I routinely show my teenager how to deal with questionable strangers- by example - and I've told him when he was younger he didn't have to hug a family friend or relative if he didn't feel like it, etc but in this situation I think the parent has to be the child's voice and advocate.

[catfeeder]

There is no ‘light way’ to protect your child from an abusive drunken parent.

Step between your child and the danger.

If not his mother, then who?

[Sindy_0311]

I hear you all! And thank you for your wise insights. I’ve called my mom today to expose the facts. She said she would take the kid more if needed but also thinks that noticing the court is too much… She said now is time to observe, to take notes, and to think about the next step… 

Anyway I’m going to call a lawyer tomorrow. Just to get some advice first. And I will see from here. 

Tonight I sent my ex and his girlfriend a text saying that i wish to have her phone number and a discussion in the perspective of learning to know each other and establish some trust. We have never been really talking together. But I think she is a balanced and healthy woman… 

Also agree about the fact that a 8y old boy shouldn’t be in the position to protect himself. 

He left tonight to go to his dad for the week. I reminded him to call me whenever he wanted. I will call him tomorrow in the evening. 

Anyway I’m going to call a lawyer tomorrow. Just to get some advice first. And I will see from here. 

i need to make the right decision. And won’t rush into making it. I need to explore every possibility for now… 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

She said now is time to observe, to take notes, and to think about the next step… 

Sorry, but if there was even a small possibility my child would be getting into a car with an individual who's been drinking I wouldn't be taking time to observe, take notes or think. 

It's a great idea to contact your attorney. I suggest asking what can be done immediately to ensure your ex does not endanger your child any further.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry, but if there was even a small possibility my child would be getting into a car with an individual who's been drinking I wouldn't be taking time to observe, take notes or think. 

It's a great idea to contact your attorney. I suggest asking what can be done immediately to ensure your ex does not endanger your child any further.

I agree - act now to prevent the danger explore later.  Make nicey nice in the sandbox with ex's gif after you nip in the bud any chance of him being in a car with your ex until it is totally clear your ex has resolved his drinking issues and clear in every sense of the word.  It's like this -you see someone on the playground running toward your son with a sharp stick and about to stick it in his eye or his head or whatever - you might for a split second take a quick look to see if the stick holder has an adult nearby but basically you're running over, bodily inserting yourself in between stick boy and your boy and preventing the injury. 

After that you can explore exactly why this occurred, where the caregiver was and any other relevant information and if needed whether you wish to take further action.

I was almost killed as  a pedestrian over a year ago crossing with the light and the single driver in the car ran the red light so fast that the people standing behind me screamed - I missed being hit by a split second because I was looking and alert.  That's how quickly it can happen - she may have been drunk, distracted or just a bad driver/jerk.  Who cares.  Your child won't know if it's safe or not.

I don't understand what your concern is or reluctance about being assertive, direct and quick.

[catfeeder]

You are not there with your child to ‘observe’ when he’s being forced into a car with a drunk driver or when he’s otherwise abused. And when you were there, you just suffered abuse yourself but took no preventative action against what you’ve already observed and is likely to happen again.

How much danger is ‘enough’ danger for you to respond to appropriately and preventatively?

Why would you risk waiting for too late?

[Sindy_0311]

The thing is, deeply, I know you are right. But my kid is feeling so good now. I mean it’s been just a few month that he stops complaining about our divorce and being so emotional about it. He likes his dad so much. It’s difficult for me, because i decided to leave. I somehow caused this. But deep down I know it is not ok.
 

The thing is he got arrested twice in the last two years with alcool and the kid in the car, but first it was after he got home because someone reported, they had no real evidence because they arrived 30 minutes later at his place and saw empty bottles in the kitchen. and second time at a tank station. He wasn’t “driving” so to speak but had a fight with another customer. But the police reported and this second time, they took his licence and checked him during three month, he had to be abstinent. That was after our divorce and our custody agreement. The thing is I’m not easy either. I mean the divorce was tough. I also have my flaws. But I would never take the car drunk or get drunk beyond my kid. I canot understand how he could do it. 

Heck, my bother in law told me yesterday, you know we all have our flaws… 

I just want someone objective and impartial to decide whether he is a safe parent for my kid. That’s it. So, I decided to call my lawyer tomorrow. 

[Sindy_0311]

24 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You are not there with your child to ‘observe’ when he’s being forced into a car with a drunk driver or when he’s otherwise abused. And when you were there, you just suffered abuse yourself but took no preventative action against what you’ve already observed and is likely to happen again.

How much danger is ‘enough’ danger for you to respond to appropriately and preventatively?

Why would you risk waiting for too late?

I won’t wait longer. 

[boltnrun]

Um... what? He already got arrested TWICE for driving drunk with your child but you want to wait, observe and think?

I don't understand this at all. What has to happen for you to decide to do something about this? 

Are you worried about what your ex thinks of you? Are you afraid of him? Do you still want him to "like" you? Do you not want to make him "mad"?

Well, if it's any of that I suggest you forget about that and put your child's safety first. Too bad if your ex has a tizzy fit about it. 

Sorry for being so forceful but I just can't understand why your child's safety wouldn't be your number one priority.

Oh, and if your brother in law thinks it's just dandy to drive children around while drunk maybe he should do it with his own kids. I mean, he shouldn't, but his statement is ridiculous. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Um... what? He already got arrested TWICE for driving drunk with your child but you want to wait, observe and think?

I don't understand this at all. What has to happen for you to decide to do something about this? 

Are you worried about what your ex thinks of you? Are you afraid of him? Do you still want him to "like" you? Do you not want to make him "mad"?

Well, if it's any of that I suggest you forget about that and put your child's safety first. Too bad if your ex has a tizzy fit about it. 

Sorry for being so forceful but I just can't understand why your child's safety wouldn't be your number one priority.

Oh, and if your brother in law thinks it's just dandy to drive children around while drunk maybe he should do it with his own kids. I mean, he shouldn't, but his statement is ridiculous. 

I decided to divorce, to leave. I wanted to protect my kid and my ex by making it as peaceful as possible… doing it the right way… you know people sometime feel guilt when they leave. I wasn’t in a good place when I left. And it took me some time, two years, to realize what was wrong. My ex husband alsways told me I was the problem, that I was the reason why it wasn’t working and that I abandoned them. During two years, after our separation, I just lived my life one day at the time because I was emotionally drained. But i shifted a few weeks ago by taking back control of my life… and this is part of it. 

Do you know that some people need time to process things? Well I’m one of those… but when I come to a conclusion, I don’t step back… 

[boltnrun]

Again, I do understand about having to think about the demise of your marriage and how it affects your life. But that has zero to do with your child's personal safety.

You can contemplate the past and your role in it while protecting your child. 

[Seraphim]

None of this is about you, it is about a defenceless child. 

[Sindy_0311]

My son will be mad at me for doing this to his dad. How can I explain?