What's wrong my son's dad?

[Sindy_0311]

He’s mad at me for leaving also… 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My son will be mad at me for doing this to his dad. How can I explain? 

He can be mad. I was mad when my parents divorced when I was a child too. Children don’t make the rules for safety . This is about safety NOT feelings . Your son will appreciate you protected him when he is old enough to understand. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My son will be mad at me for doing this to his dad. How can I explain? 

Doing what "to" his dad? His dad did this to himself by drinking and driving with your son in the car. 

What would you rather have? A son who's slightly annoyed that his dad's girlfriend has to drive them around...or a son who's not here anymore because his dad drove drunk and got into an horrific accident? 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He can be mad. I was mad when my parents divorced when I was a child too. Children don’t make the rules for safety . This is about safety NOT feelings . Your son will appreciate you protected him when he is old enough to understand. 

Agree. But at this age, feelings is what is defining their character and sense of well-being. (Been there) I don’t want my boy to have to deal with traumas or trust issues for years because of what I’m about to do… my concern is if I notify his dads behavior, it could cause more damage than trying to temper or fix things without going to court…. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

it could cause more damage

What could be more damaging than losing your child because you didn't want to speak up?

I can promise you, how you feel now would pale in comparison to the guilt you'd feel if you choose to do nothing and something awful happens.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Doing what "to" his dad? His dad did this to himself by drinking and driving with your son in the car. 

What would you rather have? A son who's slightly annoyed that his dad's girlfriend has to drive them around...or a son who's not here anymore because his dad drove drunk and got into an horrific accident? 

If I notify his behavior, the court will probably decide to give custody to me. Exclusively. He won’t see his dad as often. If not under supervision. It’s not only about his dads girlfriend driving them around, they will take away his rights to see his son. 

[Seraphim]

Is potentially dead better ? 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Is potentially dead better ? 

No. I will call the lawyer tomorrow morning. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If I notify his behavior, the court will probably decide to give custody to me. Exclusively. He won’t see his dad as often. If not under supervision. It’s not only about his dads girlfriend driving them around, they will take away his rights to see his son. 

OK. So?

Choosing to drive drunk has consequences. Maybe your ex should have thought of that before he chose to endanger the life of his child.

They will likely not take away his rights to see your son. My friend's ex was able to see their child for his regular visitations. He just wasn't allowed to drive the child anywhere.

However it seems like you would rather appease your ex and your son than prioritize your child's safety. That's too bad. I hope nothing tragic happens. 

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What could be more damaging than losing your child because you didn't want to speak up?

I can promise you, how you feel now would pale in comparison to the guilt you'd feel if you choose to do nothing and something awful happens.

See this is what I said to my family, my sister and my mom. And they both tried to temper me. This where my confusion comes from. I guess. 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

See this is what I said to my family, my sister and my mom. And they both tried to temper me. This where my confusion comes from. I guess. 

Well, if you'd rather appease others instead of protecting your child that is certainly your choice. I just think it's a poor decision if you do in fact choose to allow your ex to continue to drive your son around drunk. 

Nothing "confusing" about it to me, BTW. 

My friend wasn't "confused". As soon as she found out about ONE of her ex's DUIs she took action. Protecting her child took precedence. It was only after she did she found out about the other two DUIs.

These people don't stop unless and until there are consequences (and sometimes even then they still don't stop, but that's why YOU have to step up).

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My son will be mad at me for doing this to his dad. How can I explain? 

Priority One is to keep your son alive to explain in person rather to a grave.

 The semantics can be worked out later.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

See this is what I said to my family, my sister and my mom. And they both tried to temper me. This where my confusion comes from. I guess. 

Your son’s safety is not a democracy. One drunk can take him away from all of you in a moment.

Skip the appeasements and do the right thing. You’ll have all the time in the world to deal with the peanut gallery after that.

[Crawfords Wine]

 

I am really puzzled by the detached, laissez-faire attitude to your son's wellbeing. 
As a parent, you do not have the luxury of taking your sweet time to 'process thing's when it comes to certain aspects of life.
This also should not be about weighing up the opinions of your sister, mum or brother in law. Or about finding a balance between everyone's feelings on the matter.

This ought to be about you making a very clear and firm stand, to protect your boy from the frankly abhorrently lousy decisions of at least one of his parents. 
I'm fairly sure you're somewhere in mainland Europe, as am I originally, and drinking & driving has been against the law for many, many years on most countries. And rightfully so. 
This is nothing new to you, your ex or his new girlfriend. 
And yet you are all treating it as some minor infraction.
Would you let your son play in a house where there are loaded guns freely accessible? Because it's about the same level of utter irresponsibility.

I do not proclaim to be a legal expert, but I don't think the courts will terminate your ex's custody or visitation rights on the spot. 
It's far more likely that the judge stipulates that certain conditions are met around visitation, e.g no alcohol.
The courts may also appoint a mediator, or a child advocate to help facilitate this.
I would also request that your ex attends some form of therapy or anger management, as his temper, the anger, the aggression and the violence is not something a child should be exposed to .
It's THAT kind of stuff that will scar him for years to come, not you telling him  that he can't stay with his dad for a while because right now,  dad isn't safe and is battling some problems.

This type of escalation should be the consequences of your ex's actions.    

 

If all you do at this point is sit back, note and observe, then the consequences of your actions (or rather, in-action) could well be far, far more devastating. 

[kehratha]

Sindy,

you are full of guilt and you are afraid of everybody, your son, your ex, your mom etc.

You are a people pleaser. You don't want to disappoint anybody more that you already did - cause this is what you think you did, right?- you think it was wrong to divorce, to "abandon" them (?) and so on.

Well, you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't abandon your kid, you just couldn't live with his abusive father, you just wanted to be happy. Nobody can blame you for that.

Drinking and driving with your kid is ON HIM and he has to deal with the consequences.

 

[Kwothe28]

On 10/8/2023 at 6:01 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

essentially they told me that if I call a lawyer or the court I will declare a war and things will only get worse. The counselor also told me that I can notice to social services if I think my kid is not safe, so they can start to investigate. But this is also making troubles…

This is what I wanted to respond but didnt had too much time to write longer post. You are suppose to make trouble out of all of this.

Your kid is in a vicinity of violent alcie who is really not fit to be a parent. Yes, he is his parent. But cutting him out from somebody who can harm him or even just leave long- lasting effect on his mental health(violent substance abusers kids are not really without a harm even if they dont harm them physically) should be your primary concern. Your kid ended up in a hospital thanks to neglect from his side. You are suppose to make trouble. Declare war. Raise hell. All of those things. Because the safety of your kid was already ruined. If you dont react this will only get worst. Mentally as well as physically. Again, it has already started to have effects on your kid. 

Why did they advised you against it? Is it because the financial support from his side? Financial support doesnt mean that much when your kid has his physical and mental health ruined by an alcie father.

[Sindy_0311]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your kid ended up in a hospital thanks to neglect from his side.

He didn't end at the hospital by his fault I said he waited until he got home from work to decide to get him to the hospital, about 3 hours...this is what is wrote: "last Wednesday my kid got and accident while playing football with a friend at a birthday party. He injured his leg, cracked his tibia. My ex was not present, but his girlfriend was and called him when it happened, and they waited almost three hours before bringing him to the hospital until he came from work. She just stayed with my son at the party on a little bench with ice on his leg."

He never acted violent towards the kid. But he did towards me a few times when he was drunk. He would say how I was being so difficult and pushing his limits. The day he threw me on the floor and then hold my neck against the wall, he said why are you making problems. (because I was holding the cars door for him to give me his keys so that I could take the child out.)

38 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why did they advised you against it?

My parents sometimes say that I'm difficult. Like an immature or egoist person. I sure have flaws, I'm not easy. So I guess they think I'm just trying to bring more troubles... I guess they compare me to my sister who is someone really balanced and brave and never drinks, doesn't smoke, doesn't party... But I do, so somehow I'm the ugly duckling of the family. They don't trust my judgment because they think i'm not someone responsible- This is all caused by past errors, mainly my inability to pay bills on time and them having to lend me money to get out of troubles. 

45 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is it because the financial support from his side?

No, he doesn't pay anything, we have shared custody 50%. 

[boltnrun]

Why are you defending your alcoholic, abusive, irresponsible ex instead of focusing on protecting your child?

Abusing you in your child's presence IS abusing the child.

You said you were going to call the lawyer today. What did the lawyer say when you called them?

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, kehratha said:

Drinking and driving with your kid is ON HIM and he has to deal with the consequences.

thats what I said this morning again to my mom, she didn't get it... go figure... 

 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said you were going to call the lawyer today. What did the lawyer say when you called them?

I asked for a legal expert, a lawyer so to speak. It's a legal protection service.

So when you call, they take your number and a lawyer calls back. still waiting...

 

[Kwothe28]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

this is what is wrote: "last Wednesday my kid got and accident while playing football with a friend at a birthday party. He injured his leg, cracked his tibia. My ex was not present, but his girlfriend was and called him when it happened, and they waited almost three hours before bringing him to the hospital until he came from work. She just stayed with my son at the party on a little bench with ice on his leg."

And that doesnt scream "neglect" to you? To leave him with stranger(oh I am sorry, "new girlfriend") and then not take him to hospital immediately?

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He never acted violent towards the kid.

So far. Doesnt take long for an abusive alcie.

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He would say how I was being so difficult and pushing his limits. The day he threw me on the floor and then hold my neck against the wall, he said why are you making problems. (because I was holding the cars door for him to give me his keys so that I could take the child out.)

Such a paragon of virtue. And that in front of his kid. I am sure he wouldnt do the same to a kid when he makes him mad.

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My parents sometimes say that I'm difficult.

Not important? Maybe you are, I dunno. That doesnt mean that you shouldnt protect your kid from neglect that comes from his father.

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No, he doesn't pay anything, we have shared custody 50%. 

Then why are you even defending him? 

Your child is at risk from staying in vicinity of somebody like that. Hoping you would get a good legal advice and take legal actions there. 

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And that doesnt scream "neglect" to you? To leave him with stranger(oh I am sorry, "new girlfriend") and then not take him to hospital immediately?

he took him to the hospital when he came back from work three hours after the accident. 

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Then why are you even defending him? 

Because I'm afraid of him... 

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

he took him to the hospital when he came back from work three hours after the accident. 

3 hours after the accident. That is attrocious and his new girlfriend shouldnt be resposible for your kid.

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Because I'm afraid of him... 

All the more reason to take the kid away from somebody like that.

[Jaunty]

19 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My son will be mad at me for doing this to his dad. How can I explain? 

He is going to feel how he feels.  I agree that he will probably be angry at you and if your ex has poor boundaries, as I expect he does, he's likely to complain to your child about what you are doing "to him."

Stop thinking about how your son feels while you are resolving this situation.  You can say things along the lines of:

"I understand why you would feel this way, and I'm truly sorry for that, but your father's driving while drunk is dangerous to you and also to him and other people sharing the road.  As your mother, your safety is my responsibility."

And then go ahead and do what you need to do.

 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

3 hours after the accident. That is attrocious and his new girlfriend shouldnt be resposible for your kid.

She is not responsible and shouldn't be, I agree. but the adults there, his dad included, all said: "well if we had imagined the bone was broken, we would have driven him to the hospital. we couldn't know it... "