What's wrong my son's dad?

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

he took him to the hospital when he came back from work three hours after the accident. 

Because I'm afraid of him... 

So you think it's fine to continue to allow him to drive your precious child around while drunk? Because you're afraid?

That should be even more reason to act immediately.

What is this legal service you called? Can't you just call a family law attorney and speak to their office directly?

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, boltnrun said:

What is this legal service you called? Can't you just call a family law attorney and speak to their office directly?

No I can't. I have to do it through my insurance-this is where I called to ask to talk to a lawyer. If I don't, my insurance won't cover the cost...

[Jaunty]

One thing I sense here:  You have been trying to walk a line with your ex for two years since you divorced, and probably when you were still together, which cannot be walked. 

You want to appease him and keep things on an even keel.  Walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger the bad behavior.

Lots of us who were children of alcoholics or otherwise raised in chaotic and / or abusive situations  have this characteristic.   It's a survival mechanism we learned as kids.  

I believe you are in therapy and you usually talk about it in reference to your dating situations.  Perhaps you might want to take some good looks at how it is influencing the decisions you are making regarding raising your son.

It's complex.  But you do not want your child to take on these same traits that you have, OR the ones displayed by his father, if there are things you can learn to do to help prevent that.

[rainbowsandroses]

Sindy, just catching up here. 

Why not explain to your son why he can't visit his dad at least for awhile?

That his dad drinks excessively which puts him (your son) in harms way and that his dad needs help.

Tell him you love him very much and only have his best interests at heart. And that dad loves him too but has an illness (alcoholism) and needs help.

What is preventing you from explaining this to him?

[Seraphim]

Ok, I am going to tell you some very hard truths here, waiting for 3 hours with a broken leg is severe abuse. My father did things like this only worse. He NEVER got me care for broken bones. I still have issues with these bones today and no they can’t be fixed. I have PTSD and severe anxiety from childhood abuse. My mom made shyte decisions too at times and I have greatly greatly life long suffered for them. Our relationship also suffered. For the love of all that is Holy PROTECT YOUR CHILD. Everyone else be damned. 

[itsallgrand]

Enabling someone to abuse a child is abusive in itself - it's neglect.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Enabling someone to abuse a child is abusive in itself - it's neglect.

 

I agree with this.

Sindy, be careful.  I used to work in legal and I've seen situations where the judge ordered that the child be taken from the home and placed in foster care due to both parents neglect - one parent for abuse and the other parent (in this case you) for not protecting the child from the other parent's abuse. 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this.

Sindy, be careful.  I used to work in legal and I've seen situations where the judge ordered that the child be taken from the home and placed in foster care due to both parents neglect - one parent for abuse and the other parent (in this case you) for not protecting the child from the other parent's abuse. 

oh ***... 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this.

Sindy, be careful.  I used to work in legal and I've seen situations where the judge ordered that the child be taken from the home and placed in foster care due to both parents neglect - one parent for abuse and the other parent (in this case you) for not protecting the child from the other parent's abuse. 

Absolutely, the child can be taken from both parents for abuse and neglect. I have seen it . 

[tattoobunnie]

On 10/7/2023 at 10:21 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah but the thing is it all happened after our divorce. him driving drunk with my kid/ the hand on my neck/the 24th of December and his accident on Wednesday... Maybe I wasn't so focused on his drinking problem because I was with him all the time I would drive and tell him to go away or calm down when beyond the kid... The thing is he drinks when he goes out or in the weekend. he doesn't drink during the week because he is a driver. And now, I cannot control what he does anymore.. 

You can still sue for full custody.  Of course your eight year old loves his father.  He doesn't know any different.  Please seek legal counsel. He drank and drove with your son, and did not seek immediate medical attention for him when it was an emergency.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Absolutely, the child can be taken from both parents for abuse and neglect. I have seen it . 

Even in case of divorced parents? 

[catfeeder]

If there is ever a time to BE ‘difficult’ it’s to protect any child, most especially your own.

The fact that this man openly abused his child’s mother is criminal enough, but the fact that your child witnessed this is over the top. He’s being taught that this is how men are allowed to treat women, and that has already been absorbed by your poor son. It’s a fine line between abusing anyone and abusing one’s child, and left unchecked, it’s just a matter of time.

Add to that the fact that any car ride has a risk factor, riding with a drunk driver is a potential murder ready to happen.

Please don’t be defensive, it’s not necessary and it only solidifies faulty beliefs that are the opposite of helpful to your own psyche and relationships. You don’t owe us explanations, and we’re just trying to help you find your compass rather than trying to cause you more pain and harm.

Hold your head high and stand your ground on doing the right thing. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Even in case of divorced parents? 

Yes, it typically happens when the parents are divorced and in court to resolve a custody dispute. 

The judge reviews the case and determines both parents were neglectful. 

[Sindy_0311]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes, it typically happens when the parents are divorced and in court to resolve a custody dispute. 

The judge reviews the case and determines both parents were neglectful. 

So essentially I also risk to loose my kids custody because I didn’t reported at the time… you are killing my nerves there. 

[Seraphim]

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Even in case of divorced parents? 

Yes, because you are willfully allowing him to return to an abusive situation and not going back to the court to ensure it doesn’t happen. 

[Seraphim]

Family court is there to protect the child and decide what is best for the child . 

[boltnrun]

Instead of worrying about upsetting your ex or what your brother in law, mother and sister think about you, please focus on protecting your precious child. None of those people will be of much comfort if something tragic happens to your child or if it's determined by the authorities that you have not been acting in his best interests.

[catfeeder]

44 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, because you are willfully allowing him to return to an abusive situation and not going back to the court to ensure it doesn’t happen. 

Yes, in the event that something tragic happens to your son at his father’s hand, you will risk accountability if you do NOT take action to report foreseeable risks today— because you know about them.

No, his injury at school was not foreseeable, and you are not accountable for that. But if your ex harms your son even accidentally while drunk, or he loses his temper and harms him as a result, then your prior knowledge of the conditions that are present risks make you responsible for doing nothing. That’s negligence and neglect.

While awaiting a call from legal services, you can be documenting your case. Write down all your concerns along with examples and the dates of those examples so you can quickly submit them for advisement.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So essentially I also risk to loose my kids custody because I didn’t reported at the time… you are killing my nerves there. 

Sorry about that Sindy, not my intention.  

My intention was to inform you what could possibly happen so you don't lose your son!

Would you rather not know?  I'm confused.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

they will take away his rights to see his son. 

As well they should!  He's a drunk and compromises your son's life every time he gets behind the wheel, drunk, with your son in the car.

Sindy, what's going on?  Seriously, I don't understand this AT ALL.

Specifically why do you need us, or a judge or anyone telling you what to do?  What is BEST for your son?

Also and I apologize for asking, but this statement:

22 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If I notify his behavior, the court will probably decide to give custody to me. Exclusively.

What concerns you about this^^?  Would you NOT want sole custody especially given how your ex abuses him?  

Most mothers would give their right arm for sole custody which begs the question, have you bonded with your son?  

It happens.   Sadly, my mom never bonded with me and I paid the price, dearly.  

Fortunately I had a very caring and loving dad who did bond with me (and I with him) and HE protected me.

Again I apologize for asking this question.

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

23 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So essentially I also risk to loose my kids custody because I didn’t reported at the time… you are killing my nerves there. 

So a man drinking and driving your son around and beating you isn't killing your nerves?

[boltnrun]

What did the lawyer say when they called you back? 

I really hope you didn't minimize or say you're probably overreacting. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sindy_0311

Just curious and I mean no offense I promise, but why do you keep referring to your son as your "kid"? 

Maybe it's me, but it sounds so impersonal when describing a mother's own flesh and blood.  

Again I ask, have you and your son bonded?  

In any event, I hope you're able to work it out. Good luck. 

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Sindy_0311

Just curious and I mean no offense I promise, but why do you keep referring to your son as your "kid"? 

Maybe it's me, but it sounds so impersonal when describing a mother's own flesh and blood.  

Again I ask, have you and your son bonded?  

In any event, I hope you're able to work it out. Good luck. 

So you and I have had words over word choice and THANK YOU. I feel the same because it’s constant - “the kid” once in awhile or when telling a funny anecdote ok sure. But I get this same off putting sense and tell myself maybe a language issue.  I see lots of stuff like “my child “ “my LO” “our son” or the in utero “peanut” lol but yes in context it makes me wonder too. 

[Sindy_0311]

I’m using my kid, maybe a langage issue… or because of chaplins movie… but to be honest it took me time to bond with him. I suppose I’m not the only one.. 

i called but frankly I don’t know what to do about it. Essentially he said that I should have filed a complaint the first time he got arrested. Which I didn’t. They reported the facts, with witnesses. Second time I was not present when it happened. And now he should be caught again for me to file a complaint. Another possibility is a dénonciation to the police so they can investigate. And another possibility is call social social services. 

For the next two weeks, the kid will stay mainly with me as they all have vacations.
I asked my ex to have a talk, I need to talk to him, to know how he is feeling and talk about all what happened. and also to warn him about his behavior before going further. I will tell him that if something ever happens again, I will denounce him. I cant do it now. It’s too much… please no judgment…