Well… I guess that is that.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

If you really care for someone, like I know she has for me, then why wouldn’t you discuss the issues and see if you could come to some new plan and resolution, rather than just breaking it off? 

It does seem like the car talk may have been a tipping point in trying to get along. It also seems like she was torn between knowing logistically it wouldn't work, but hoping it could. Since you enjoy psychology as a hobby, read up on "The Big Five" personality traits and online tests. She seems to be super high in conscientiousness and you seem to be high in openness. It's not all about "attachment theory". There's a lot of other personality characteristics that simply clashed and worked against each other. 

[boltnrun]

Sometimes, no matter how much two people care for one another, they just don't mesh well.

I know you'll come back with a zillion examples of how you perceived the two of you meshing well but apparently she didn't see it the same way.

I am most definitely a rule follower and wouldn't mesh well with someone who isn't. Not to say I won't go past that "No Trespassing" sign posted on unoccupied government wilderness land but when it comes to most rules and regulations I will follow them. And I am very particular with how I maintain my home. For example, "No Shoes Indoors" doesn't mean try or most of the time or when you remember. It means NO shoes on inside my home, period. Whether or not someone else thinks it's a big deal, it is to me. And I have spoken sharply to someone who disregarded my instruction about not wearing shoes inside my home. That's just one example but I have many more!

I am sorry it didn't work out. I'm sure she truly does have a lot of love for you as a person but unfortunately it just wasn't the right match for her.

[Whirling D]

42 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sometimes, no matter how much two people care for one another, they just don't mesh well.

I know you'll come back with a zillion examples of how you perceived the two of you meshing well but apparently she didn't see it the same way.

I am most definitely a rule follower and wouldn't mesh well with someone who isn't. Not to say I won't go past that "No Trespassing" sign posted on unoccupied government wilderness land but when it comes to most rules and regulations I will follow them. And I am very particular with how I maintain my home. For example, "No Shoes Indoors" doesn't mean try or most of the time or when you remember. It means NO shoes on inside my home, period. Whether or not someone else thinks it's a big deal, it is to me. And I have spoken sharply to someone who disregarded my instruction about not wearing shoes inside my home. That's just one example but I have many more!

I am sorry it didn't work out. I'm sure she truly does have a lot of love for you as a person but unfortunately it just wasn't the right match for her.

You are probably right that I have no way of knowing what she was actually struggling with. She certainly wasn’t giving many clues to the negative, and if anything, right up until about the last month, most of our interactions were really strong, except for the things that I’ve mentioned here.

it’s not at all like we were clashing all the time. It wasn’t even close. Most of the time we had a really good time and worked really well together. At least it seemed that way to me.  Even the last time that I saw her for my birthday, there was no indication that we weren’t going to continue.

In mid September, we even negotiated to buy tickets for the city ballet’s version of the Nutcracker in December. I had to wonder if I was still going to know her then, but she seemed all in. That was really only a couple of weeks ago.

It did start to turn around quite a bit after her bed sobbing thing, and I think I started to lose emotional confidence in the relationship. I may have gone through all of that already. I just started to become much less assertive in almost every area. I don’t know if she noticed that and started to lose attraction.

I still say the car talk freaked her out. Maybe not even on a conscious level. I think that was very poor judgment on my part. I was triggered, and it just came out of me fast and earnestly.  I just don’t think that she was emotionally secure enough to be able to wanna deal with that. I think that’s why I’m out.  
 

I will probably wonder for a long time, just like I did the borderline girl, what she was really thinking and why it exploded like it did, seemingly out of nowhere.

I think the doctor lady and I were much stronger together in many ways than the borderline lady, but I still have such a hole in my heart from her. I’ll probably go to my grave wondering what happened to each of those girls, but probably more for the doctor lady. I think she represented my future in a much more realistic way.

i’ve been having a hard time sleeping, mostly because I will have these little images flashing through my brain just as I start to fall asleep, and one that seemed to be prevalent today were these colorful images of the bike ride that her and I took around 1 August.

it was a fabulous day up at her beach house, and we brought the bikes out and we rode about 6 miles along the ocean side, amongst all the beautiful houses and rocky coastline, and beaches. It was a fantastic day for me.

she was a little hard to manage that day, because she was constantly complaining that she wasn’t comfortable riding where there were cars, even though the average car was only going about 5 miles an hour, and then her butt hurt and she complained about that fairly incessantly, and then she almost went off the road and I tried to grab her and she yelled at me to let her go in an angry way. I was triggered by that and didn’t speak to her until we got home, which was only a mile. Then she apologized for barking at me, and things got back to normal.

That was probably my favorite day that I have known her, despite the hiccups.  In my dreams, I envision riding on the little street that runs upside the ocean, and her there with me. It’s literally traumatic, because I wake up traumatized from thinking of that scene.

I often told her that I was not with her because of money or status or her fantastic Beachhouse, but after I got used to going up there, I now find it really traumatizing to think that I’ll probably never go up there again, and I will actively likely avoid going up into that area again, because I know it will be very triggering.

I think my heartbreak is slowly turning to anger. I thought I was getting past a lot of this anger, but this is bringing it back and I feel like I’m going to turn into this disgruntled senior citizen that is pissed off at the world and has a victim mentality.

I think it would be reasonable to almost feel like a victim in this case. I treated that lady really well, and was a very dear friend and confidant to her.  I don’t think I did one single thing that deserved to be blown off like that.

even the relationship experts made comments about people that break up perfectly good relationships for seemingly weak reasons.  Of course, that’s just my interpretation that they are weak reasons. They are her reasons, and I guess she has a right to them. I just don’t get it, but then again there were a lot of things about her that I didn’t get. I certainly wouldn’t have made them deal breakers, but I would often not get it.

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

I often told her that I was not with her because of money or status or her fantastic Beachhouse,

Why did you say this often?  To me if I heard that that would be a red flag.  You can say it once jokingly -but then just show the person you are with them for all the appropriate reasons.

[Morello]

I'm sorry about this Whirl. Unfortunately, break ups are one of the most difficult things to deal with, especially when you care a lot for someone. Also, males tend to "suffer" more from break ups (for several reasons which might not be your case), so please do look after yourself in the coming weeks.

Having said that, what stood out to me in your writing is that you did not agree with most here who said you were both incompatible. I think your idea of compatibility is mostly about love "look at all these situations where we got along so well", but unfortunately it goes way beyond that.

For a relationship to work, people need to be essentially on the same page. When you describe your personalities, hobbies, attitude towards life, socioeconomic status, family structure, etc., it did appear you two differed in almost all of those. For example, she likes to follow rules, you don't. She likes to watch silly movies/series, you think it's a waste of time. She lives in the "high society", and you don't. You work in pubs/music venues, which she doesn't appreciate, and the list goes on...

I mean, you are a musician and she's a doctor... I don't know many couples (if any at all) like that. It's like yin and yang. While some people say opposites attract, they might attract (because attraction is almost a chemical thing), but that doesn't mean the relationship itself will work, as you find out yourself.

I think the best thing out of this is how you reacted to the break up at the time. I think you did amazingly well, and that in itself shows you are now in a much better position for when you decide to start looking for a partner again. In the long run, you'll see that acting the way you did (other than begging, etc) will do wonders for your recovery from this.

Also, from the way she conducted this, she had been thinking about this for quite some time and had already checked out of it. Do not wait around for her. Act like this is the final page, because it is. Even if she contacts you wanting to go back, without some bigger change in the scheme of things, you'll just resort to the same dynamic (with additional hurt in the process). 

Do not contact her at all, as this will almost certainly stir the pot and make your healing a lot longer and more complicated than it has to be. Just mirror your behaviour when she told you she wanted to break up. The "If you want to break up, and you are sure, I'll respect that. Good riddance" kind of attitude is what is going to work for you moving forward with your head high and self-respect intact.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I feel like I’m going to turn into this disgruntled senior citizen that is pissed off at the world and has a victim mentality.

You can avoid that by getting "triggered" and "traumatized" out of your vocabulary. Those sentiments have a lot of blaming attached to them. You were a guest in her homes and car and often didn't see the point or value of how and why she does things the way she does. Yet enjoyed the fruits of her ways. That's just incompatibilities and strong personalities. Not "trauma and triggering". There are no victims here. Just sadly broken hearts. 

[Batya33]

I think creative artistic people can mesh beautifully with people who choose more cerebral professions. But. Those typically work best when each person respects and admires the other’s skills and talents and helps a lot if for example the “doctor “ or accountant loves and appreciates and patronizes the arts even if not the specific art his or her SO does. It’s actually very nice for an artist to live with a non artist - it’s a nice break from that world and also a way to get a different perspective on creativity. 
Likewise a mathematician or IT person or health care provider can leave his work or her work hat at the office and talk about either nothing to do with the arts and nothing to do with his work and create shared interests that an even meld the two.  

But I didn’t think WD truly respected what she did. He wondered too much about her professional choices and felt that it was heavily focused on $ and status. Or at least he focused on that.

My husband loves baseball. A specific team we both grew up with but my family never went to games etc. until the last few years- when our son got interested - I “tolerated “ it but little interest. But I’ve surprised myself the last few years by watching more, going to games when we go to our hometown and following what’s going on with the teams as well as celebrating or commiserating as the case may be. It’s a real shift for me and husband notices. But my motivation was because I desire to at least try to show him I want to share his interests with him. I’m nowhere near as invested or committed but he notices.

 

WD seemed to look down or at least askance at the way she chose to live , about her attachment to her beach house and while he helped like she helped at his gig it was not really with their whole hearts in it. Or even partial. 
 

[Whirling D]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think creative artistic people can mesh beautifully with people who choose more cerebral professions. But. Those typically work best when each person respects and admires the other’s skills and talents and helps a lot if for example the “doctor “ or accountant loves and appreciates and patronizes the arts even if not the specific art his or her SO does. It’s actually very nice for an artist to live with a non artist - it’s a nice break from that world and also a way to get a different perspective on creativity. 
Likewise a mathematician or IT person or health care provider can leave his work or her work hat at the office and talk about either nothing to do with the arts and nothing to do with his work and create shared interests that an even meld the two.  

But I didn’t think WD truly respected what she did. He wondered too much about her professional choices and felt that it was heavily focused on $ and status. Or at least he focused on that.

My husband loves baseball. A specific team we both grew up with but my family never went to games etc. until the last few years- when our son got interested - I “tolerated “ it but little interest. But I’ve surprised myself the last few years by watching more, going to games when we go to our hometown and following what’s going on with the teams as well as celebrating or commiserating as the case may be. It’s a real shift for me and husband notices. But my motivation was because I desire to at least try to show him I want to share his interests with him. I’m nowhere near as invested or committed but he notices.

 

WD seemed to look down or at least askance at the way she chose to live , about her attachment to her beach house and while he helped like she helped at his gig it was not really with their whole hearts in it. Or even partial. 
 

I’m not so sure. I am agreeing with some of this, Bat.

If I look at things like… How she likes to spend her time… Sitting in front of the TV… I guess I do have a little bit of an attitude about that, but not as much that it ever came out as demeaning toward her. I sat with her and watched programs on a couple of occasions, and I enjoyed it, and so did she. Typically, I would prefer to find something else to do, but when the time came, I wasn’t making a big deal out of it, or making her feel badly for wanting to do it. Ever.

Most of the time, I didn’t even think about her being a doctor. We were mostly best friends. We talked about what was going on in each others lives, and what might be bothering us, or what we were happy about. It was a beautiful friendship. We were awesome lovers for the first 2/3 of knowing her. I wouldn’t have predicted in 1 million years that her brain would just switch off like that. It almost felt like I was a drug to her, and I wouldn’t have ever thought she would let it go like this. Unless something else was at play that I may not ever know.  
 

I also don’t feel that I look down my nose that much at people with money and status. It really depends what they do with it. For example, if you recall, I was really uncomfortable when I first went up to her Beachhouse, because I looked all around and saw nothing but three to $5 million houses, and I felt like I just didn’t fit in. She helped make me feel welcomed up there, and so did her neighbors. I learned to appreciate what they had up there, and even envy it a bit.  
 

I can’t say that I didn’t feel a little bit of jealousy or condescension, regarding that way of life, because it seemed a little entitled and excessive, but I envied the people up there that had the capacity to do that. I wasn’t all bent out of shape about it, though.

I always loved her Beachhouse, how could I not? And I always respected everything that she tried to do up there. I tried hard to follow all of her rules and traditions up there… I helped her nonstop keep the place organized and clean, because I know that that’s what I would probably want if I had a house like that.  I enjoyed, helping her, keep it clean, and helping her around the house, and I know she really appreciated that.

I remember the first thing I did at her house was fix loose hinges on this big heavy door leading to the downstairs bathroom.  It has been coming off the hinges for quite a while, and she was quite upset that the contractor that came into the house was supposed to fix it, but it didn’t really work, and it was falling off the hinges again, and the door was in operable. 
 

She helped me for the first bunch of minutes until I got it stable, and seemed very appreciative that I helped her with that… And even said that when she had company the following weekend that she was proud that the door was fixed, and that I had helped her do it.

I don’t know what my point is for saying all of that, but it’s hard for me to imagine that she’s not going to go to that beach house and at some point be thinking about all of the things that I helped her do there. And the attitude of helping and generosity that I offered while I was there, if I can toot my own horn a little bit. 

As far as her Beachhouse, being spotless and well organized, I would even have my house like that, but I can’t keep up with it. I kind of throw my hands up in the air and just let it be what it is, cause I don’t have the energy or resources to make it as nice as she would certainly want it.

Again, I don’t even really know what my point is for all of this. 

[Whirling D]

I guess there is still part of the discussion that I haven’t really heard a lot about from you guys…
 

You know that I noticed her behavior begin to change fairly dramatically the weekend that she told me she was reducing her medication amount. She said she had been feeling depressive an angry since then.  It was probably the next time I saw her that we were up at the beach house and she had her crying episode. Laying in bed.
 
She seemed to be a bit better on my birthday weekend at the beginning of September, and somehow she mentioned that she had gone back up to the original dosage, but was only taking it twice a week, which I think may have been half the amount of dosages? I forget. I don’t remember if she said she was feeling any better, but she seemed better. 

So, I can’t help but think or wonder whether side effects from her medication could have been messing with her emotions, a bit, which may have been why she was feeling, perhaps like she needed to isolate? I know I have felt that way before, like I do right now, really. I want no part of anyone. 
 

I am on a couple of Facebook, pages for people on Prozac and Zoloft, and on both pages there are tons, and tons of people who complain that when they try to go on, or off a med, or change the dosage, it messes with their brain, big time, and can really have an effect on how they feel and act. It’s pretty profound to read many of the stories. 

So I guess, I’m just really wondering if perhaps her medication could have something to do with what happened with her? Why would she be so quick to completely eradicate someone that she would probably agree was her best friend? We spoke twice a day, and there was no indication she wasn’t thoroughly enjoying the interaction. Why would somebody want to basically erase that, unless they were feeling somewhat isolationist or self-destructive?

I can’t imagine it, really.  It just boggles my mind.

[LootieTootie]

Honeymoon stage wore off and everyone's mask came off. 

I know you want to believe that mental health had something to do with her poor behavior but speaking from someone who is married to a man who is bipolar, I tell you this... When someone shows you their 'bad' behavior, please know this is also part of who they are. Everyone has this dark core personality. I know I do - I can be just like dr. lady, very rigid how I want things done and stubborn that I am right. Bad behaviors are just a symptom of a larger issue of the person, and sometimes the person can't change it because its in their core personality. However, they can choose their reaction.

I don't know if dr. lady chose to be mean to you or if it was just some visceral reaction due to her fear of losing control, but from your posts, it seems like she barked at you a lot and this isn't healthy for a new relationship. I think the longer you guys had stayed, things would have gotten worse with her behavior. & why? I don't think you can change someone's core when they're 60. I think she told you this when she said this is all she knows how to be.

[Seraphim]

My husband has been on Zoloft for probably 17 or more years . He took Prozac and a different med that I don’t remember. They didn’t work well for him. Zoloft works great. He tried to kill himself cold turkeying off Prozac. Any change in brain chemistry makes people a bit or a lot off. My husband was at about 100 mg for years. In Winter he takes 150mg. In a situation last year he was put on the highest dose of 200 mg. He is now back down to 150 mg. I didn’t notice any change in him with the change . 
 

He was recently diagnosed with ADHD which has been very evident for the 54 years of his life. He was put on Concerta and Ritalin. I did notice slight agitation and verbal irritation with the first few doses then back to  normal. In contrast my son when put on Concerta at age 7 became violent and we had to remove the medication. 
 

I can’t take SSRI’s like Zoloft or I develop psychosis and serotonin syndrome so I take Mirtazapine. My mom can take SSRI’s and my dad had troubles with many medications. Both my parents were allergic to most anaesthetics while I am not , but respond weirdly to general anesthesia. 
 

How a person will respond to a medication or the reduction of a medication, or the increase of a medication has a lot of variables. It is possible her depression vastly increased with the change and she pressed the run away button. 

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband has been on Zoloft for probably 17 or more years . He took Prozac and a different med that I don’t remember. They didn’t work well for him. Zoloft works great. He tried to kill himself cold turkeying off Prozac. Any change in brain chemistry makes people a bit or a lot off. My husband was at about 100 mg for years. In Winter he takes 150mg. In a situation last year he was put on the highest dose of 200 mg. He is now back down to 150 mg. I didn’t notice any change in him with the change . 
 

He was recently diagnosed with ADHD which has been very evident for the 54 years of his life. He was put on Concerta and Ritalin. I did notice slight agitation and verbal irritation with the first few doses then back to  normal. In contrast my son when put on Concerta at age 7 became violent and we had to remove the medication. 
 

I can’t take SSRI’s like Zoloft or I develop psychosis and serotonin syndrome so I take Mirtazapine. My mom can take SSRI’s and my dad had troubles with many medications. Both my parents were allergic to most anaesthetics while I am not , but respond weirdly to general anesthesia. 
 

How a person will respond to a medication or the reduction of a medication, or the increase of a medication has a lot of variables. It is possible her depression vastly increased with the change and she pressed the run away button. 

Thank you for telling all of this. It is valuable to hear your experiences.
 

I still don’t know what to think about all of this. Even if what has happened to her is due to medication anomalies, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what that all means.

 

Even if this is true, and she kind of comes back down to earth at some point and starts to think that maybe she was being self-destructive by breaking up, what does that really mean for me? Do I wanna be in that position again?

She has such goodness inside of her. I was just speaking to a friend, and I don’t know if I said this on here… She’s probably 70 or 80% really great to be around, with about 20 or 30% scattered in there of anger and hostility, that just seems to come out at random times.

I’m telling you, if she had been thinking about this for a long time, she certainly hid it well, and quite truthfully, that’s a red flag right there. There was no effort to indicate to me that there was some thing that she was concerned about or worried about. That would’ve gone along way in helping her and I try to negotiate what she was feeling and come to some sort of consensus. 

This in itself is problematic, and should probably be good reason for me to keep my distance. But my heart still is with her, because I see the goodness in there. Maybe that’s a trauma bond, maybe that’s codependency. Hard to say. I just feel so lost now. Like I’ve lost my best friend.  
 

 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thank you for telling all of this. It is valuable to hear your experiences.
 

I still don’t know what to think about all of this. Even if what has happened to her is due to medication anomalies, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what that all means.

 

Even if this is true, and she kind of comes back down to earth at some point and starts to think that maybe she was being self-destructive by breaking up, what does that really mean for me? Do I wanna be in that position again?

She has such goodness inside of her. I was just speaking to a friend, and I don’t know if I said this on here… She’s probably 70 or 80% really great to be around, with about 20 or 30% scattered in there of anger and hostility, that just seems to come out at random times.

I’m telling you, if she had been thinking about this for a long time, she certainly hid it well, and quite truthfully, that’s a red flag right there. There was no effort to indicate to me that there was some thing that she was concerned about or worried about. That would’ve gone along way in helping her and I try to negotiate what she was feeling and come to some sort of consensus. 

This in itself is problematic, and should probably be good reason for me to keep my distance. But my heart still is with her, because I see the goodness in there. Maybe that’s a trauma bond, maybe that’s codependency. Hard to say. I just feel so lost now. Like I’ve lost my best friend.  
 

 

Many many many people need chemical rebalancing. My dad did as well as he was bipolar . It isn’t a bad thing . The issue arises when people play with their meds or are non- compliant. 
 

Just recover now and then move on with your life . 

[Whirling D]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Many many many people need chemical rebalancing. My dad did as well as he was bipolar . It isn’t a bad thing . The issue arises when people play with their meds or are non- compliant. 
 

Just recover now and then move on with your life . 

Thanks… I have no choice now but to recover and move on with my life.

Just for conversation, online social workers suggest that there is a high probability that I will hear from the doctor lady at some point. They say it usually averages between three months and a year. They say that’s how long it often takes for someone to go through the grieving process, even as the one who did the breaking up.

Never did hear back from the borderline lady, but she was extremely unstable. I don’t say that disparagingly, because obviously I am on the unstable as well, and the doctor lady is somewhere in between.

I just wonder what will happen if I hear from her in a few months and she apologizes for what happened. Just don’t know how to manage that thought. I’m going to try to not wait for it, and I’m going to try to move on. Probably on dating sites pretty quickly.

 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can avoid that by getting "triggered" and "traumatized" out of your vocabulary. Those sentiments have a lot of blaming attached to them. You were a guest in her homes and car and often didn't see the point or value of how and why she does things the way she does. Yet enjoyed the fruits of her ways. That's just incompatibilities and strong personalities. Not "trauma and triggering". There are no victims here. Just sadly broken hearts. 

^ I second this post in it's entirety.  It's worth repeating.

[Whirling D]

9 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I second this post in it's entirety.  It's worth repeating.

Let me ask you guys this, then.
 

It almost doesn’t matter what car you were driving in, but the person in the passenger seat is trying to micromanage how you are driving.

Do you find that to be acceptable behavior, particularly when it was delivered in a somewhat snarky and condescending way? I don’t.  That was happening repeatedly. That is certainly not what I want in my life.

Here is another example that happened the same night as the miles per hour debacle… We were at a fairground along the ocean, and when we got there, we were looking for a parking space, and there seem to be a bunch of spaces open in one area that was just a little further back. So, I decided to swing back around and take one of the ones a little further back.

As we started walking, we saw that there was an open space closer to the front, and she gave me a snarky remark like, “well, if you would have tried to get closer look what we would’ve found”. I didn’t say anything in response to that, but I could clearly sense her displeasure and her annoyance that I didn’t make the best decision on where to park.

Truthfully, I didn’t mind walking a little farther and getting the exercise, but she didn’t seem to really care about that. It just wasn’t the best and closest parking spot.

I see that is problematic behavior, whichever way you want a slice it.  I was able to let that go that night.  I think she kind of needed to keep score, though.

I brought these things up to her in a very calm and proactive way, and suggested what I thought was a really good mechanism to alleviate the situation. She had a different opinion, and truthfully, I don’t think she could quite grasp but I was trying to say. 
So be it. I guess I had the opportunity to ignore it, and let her vent, but I couldn’t do that, I guess no differently then she couldn’t ignore me doing what I thought was best with the product on the deck, or with what I felt about my hair.

I still believe that the only thing that makes sense is that I completely triggered her when I spent a better part of an hour preaching to her about how I could not do negative behavior, and it would be the death knell to the relationship if that’s what was going to continue.

I suspect, like many of you probably do, that she found it very preachy and condescending. That’s a matter of perception, really, because I think down deep, she knows what my point was, and I think she feels powerless to address it.

If I had to think deeply about it, and obviously I do, that’s where I’m thinking I could have done a lot better.

truthfully, I think it was awful the way she broke up with me. She didn’t seem apologetic, or empathetic to my needs. It seemed like she was very cold and calculated and detached.  I’ve read about that a lot in relation to break ups. The person breaking up feels they just need to get the job done and be finished with it. Then they can feel relief.
 

But, all of the theory seems to suggest that if the person that was broken up with is a good person, and treated their partner with decency and respect, which I believe I mostly did, that there is a high probability that time will heal some of those wounds, and the person that broke up will start to remember the good things over the bad things, and then start to reconsider the wisdom of that decision.

That may be wishful thinking on my part, but there still is a good chunk of my heart that hopes that happens.  She deserves to be happy, and so do I. I was clearly able to make her happy in the honeymoon period, whatever that means, so I certainly know that I am capable of making her happy. That couldn’t have just been by chance. And there were no big masks of mine that were removed after the honeymoon phase. I think I was pretty consistent all along. Can’t say I think that she was.
 

Why is the bigger question.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Another possibility to consider.

Your relationship was five months.  From my reading of your recent posts, the last two months you saw her a total of one week.

You posted you did not see each other for three weeks in August and four weeks in September.  

That is A LOT of time apart for such a short relationship up to that point. 

Then in early October she ended it.

I'm wondering if you've considered the possibility she met someone else during this long stretch of time apart?

Again, just something to consider.  Which I'm sorry to say and of course jmo, may be closer to the truth than you think. 

That said, the reasons don't even matter.  What matters is it's over and done..

First step toward healing is acceptance that it's over.   I know you seek understanding but in your quest for understanding, you're preventing your own healing.  It can keep you stuck.

I experienced the same after a six year relationship ended back in late 2015 and learned from it.  

Cherish the memories.  Tell yourself she's not coming back and let go.   Heal.  Move forward.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Morello]

41 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I see that is problematic behavior, whichever way you want a slice it.  

I see that as behaviour coming from someone who has been on the fence about the relationship since its start, was probably already nearly checked out at that point, and was getting more and more annoyed at the constant personality clashes between the two of you.

I can see that your brain has been operating in overdrive trying to find the real causes for the break up. This is pointless, the only information you should use is that she broke up with you. She preferred to break up than trying to (continue to) get this relationship to anything that actually resembles a relationship. That's all you need to know.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's important that you get out of that hole, because you'll have to accept you most likely will never know exactly why she broke up with you. I mean, you were hinting at breaking up with her a few times here too, so it's beyond me why you found it so surprising. Closure will only come from you, once you finally realise that she wasn't the right person for you.

[Whirling D]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Another possibility to consider.

Your relationship was five months.  From my reading of your recent posts, the last two months you saw her a total of one week.

You posted you did not see each other for three weeks in August and four weeks in September.  

That is A LOT of time apart for such a short relationship up to that point. 

Then in early October she ended it.

I'm wondering if you've considered the possibility she met someone else during this long stretch of time apart?

Again, just something to consider.  Which I'm sorry to say and of course jmo, may be closer to the truth than you think. 

First step toward healing is acceptance that it's over.   I know you seek understanding but in your quest for understanding, you're preventing your own healing.  It can keep you stuck.

I experienced the same after a six year relationship ended back in late 2015 and learned from it.  

At the end of the day, the reasons don't even matter.  What matters is it's over and done..

Cherish the memories.  Tell yourself she's not coming back and let go.  

I'm sorry. 

All the best moving forward.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey there… Thanks for the thoughts.

Here are my thoughts on that… If anything, I think she may have mingled with somebody at the wedding, and maybe started to get some butterflies, and maybe they are even talking now, who knows.

I spoke with her every single night, during each of those breaks, and most mornings when she was on her way to work. I saw absolutely nothing out of the ordinary in her behavior or affect. That’s what makes this sudden break up so weird.

The three weeks in August that I didn’t see her was mostly due to me going on almost a two week vacation, and the bad placement of my weekends with my kid. We both had agreed that it was too soon for her to be coming down on weekends with my kid, unless for something specific, which wasn’t really the case.

then I saw her all four days of Labor Day weekend… Which was pretty much awesome, but ended with the car talk, and the ER visit with her mother. The next morning, she seemed OK, and I even checked in with her and she said we would just have to keep working on things.

The last month we saw coming long in advance and knew we weren’t going to have any real time for weeks. I had my kid the weekend after Labor Day, she had girls weekend up at the beach house and left Thursday night and didn’t get home until Sunday night of the next weekend. Then she stayed with her mother Monday and Tuesday and left for the wedding on Wednesday, and didn’t get back until this past Monday. 
 

We talked on the phone in a cheery way on Monday… she had Tuesday off as well, and we talked on Tuesday night and had a nice pleasant chat… That’s when she invited me up on Wednesday. Broke up with me at around 1 PM Wednesday afternoon.
 

Her having positive interactions with someone else is certainly a realistic possibility.  She’s really shy and awkward, though, and I’m not convinced that’s what happened.
 

I think she got discouraged with all the time away… And just gave up on it.  Although, she could’ve done a much better job of trying to negotiate a Way forward. I thought that’s what we had done before she even left.
 

For example, she could have invited me up on the Thursday night before she went on girls weekend, but her sister was up and at her mothers. She could’ve usually told everyone she was gonna be there on Friday, and spent the night with me. I tend to know her as a creature of extreme habit, so I presumed, that was why she didn’t want me to come up for that Thursday. She was expected to go up with her sister that night.

She also, right from the beginning, made it clear she wasn’t crazy about having sleepovers on work nights. Even though, she had said in September that she was starting to wrap her head around the idea that on weekends that I had my kid, that I could come up on Thursday night and spend the night and leave early with her on Friday mornings. I think there was only one opportunity to do that, and I didn’t get the invitation. She got home late. 

The last Thursday was the Thursday before going to the wedding, and we had plans since the beginning of the week that I would go up there, but she texted me on the way home from work, and said she was exhausted, and had so much packing to do for both girls weekend and her trip to the wedding. Something like that. 

I don’t know what that spells, but I was trying to be very patient and knowing that we had already discussed that it was gonna be a very difficult bunch of weeks.

I also know that she hated the idea of driving the 1.25 hours to get to my house. I think that weight on her a lot as well. Too far for her.

But you know, with the kind of connection that it seemed that we had for almost the whole time, I knew her, or seemed to know her, and she never seemed to show any kind of breaking point, and never did she tell me directly that she didn’t wanna drive down if I invited her. With the exception of times where she had to work and go home to take out the dogs, and that’s a whole other part of the equation.

I think this girl just gave up. I don’t think it necessarily had anything to do with how much she did, or didn’t like me, or did, or didn’t want me. I think with all of the things I’ve talked about, the wind was just taken out of her sail.  I just don’t think she could wait any longer, considering that would probably have been another few years before that situation would have changed much, at least, in terms of logistics.
 

I am somewhat surprised that she hasn’t said anything over the last few days, even to say she was sorry for what happened. I’m not sure where that’s coming from, but it’s not hugely classy. I’m trying not to feel like I was just a blip on her radar, because it certainly didn’t feel like that at almost any point since I knew her. I always felt like she took me seriously and cared about what I needed. More or less.

 

[Whirling D]

10 minutes ago, Morello said:

I see that as behaviour coming from someone who has been on the fence about the relationship since its start, was probably already nearly checked out at that point, and was getting more and more annoyed at the constant personality clashes between the two of you.

I can see that your brain has been operating in overdrive trying to find the real causes for the break up. This is pointless, the only information you should use is that she broke up with you. She preferred to break up than trying to (continue to) get this relationship to anything that actually resembles a relationship. That's all you need to know.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's important that you get out of that hole, because you'll have to accept you most likely will never know exactly why she broke up with you. I mean, you were hinting at breaking up with her a few times here too, so it's beyond me why you found it so surprising. Closure will only come from you, once you finally realise that she wasn't the right person for you.

Well, I hear what you are saying, but some of that I’m not really buying.
 

I don’t think the escalation in her behavior had much to do with me, really. I couldn’t say what it was necessarily due to, and she did indicate that she thought it was medication related.

That being said, she was a bit cranky about my driving the whole time I knew her, so I was getting that from the very first time I went up to the beach house, and I think that was in early June.

I have way more evidence that she was still clearly in the relationship right up through about the second week of August, than evidence that she wasn’t.

And if she was starting to already deteriorate, then she kept it well hidden, and that would mean that she was basically just biding her time and using me to fill up space. That doesn’t make me feel any better.

I’m not really buying that either, because she encouraged me to call her every morning and video every night. She was always happy to hear from me and we always had really nice talks. Always. Yes, I noticed her demeanor start to fade a bit in the last week. That was it.

I do lean toward her being a disorganized avoidant attachment style, and she just got burned out. I think I was probably the only guy that she has been with in the last 30 years that paid any real attention to her and her needs. At least that’s what she said. Multiple times.  I think that was hard for an avoidant introvert to handle. Too much emotional bandwidth for her, clearly.
 

But yes, I could be creating my own narrative here. I’m not convinced I am, though. I know she cared about me deeply. I just don’t think she could handle that kind of intimacy. And also that kind of void when we weren’t able to see each other. Just too hard on her, I think.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I’m trying not to feel like I was just a blip on her radar, because it certainly didn’t feel like that at almost any point since I knew her. I always felt like she took me seriously and cared about what I needed. More or less.

First off I think @Morello post was spot on.  

Secondly, re what's quoted above, my late mom said something to me that's always stuck with me.

"Two people can be in the same relationship but having two entirely different experiences."

Breakups are the same.  

It's time to take her down from the pedestal you've placed her on.

As @Morellosaid, there were times during your short relationship YOU were very unhappy and considering ending it yourself.  

So yeah, your reaction now is surprising. 

Anyway, wish you the best.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 she just got burned out.   Too much emotional bandwidth for her, clearly. Just too hard on her.

Unfortunately these seem like the most realistic reasons.  The personalities.  Not someone else, not medication, not just out of nowhere. Just the burnout from too much conflict. You both seem to find each other too high maintenance, especially emotionally. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

There was no effort to indicate to me that there was some thing that she was concerned about or worried about. That would’ve gone along way in helping her and I try to negotiate what she was feeling and come to some sort of consensus. 

But that’s you assuming she wanted to stay with you and work things out, which she clearly no longer wanted to do

 

when people go through things, they go through it alone first, before deciding whether or not to share it with ‘other,’ and in this case, there was nothing to share with ‘other’ because she wanted to go separate ways.
 

You folks were not going to be an item/team approaching issues head on, you and your relationship with her became the issue and she chose to remove herself - no negotiations needed  

 

Sometimes things end regardless of how good we feel we got along with someone 

[Tinydance]

I don't think you should keep blaming the antidepressant medication. It's very common to take psychiatric medications or have some mental health struggles. A lot of people on psych meds who manage their mental health well have been in long term relationships. You've also been making posts about this woman basically right from the start. You were talking about your doubts and various issues and that was way before she changed her medication.

I agree with you that she seems to be controlling and a micro manager. She shouldn't have been asking you to drive her car or help her if she didn't like the way you were doing things.

On your end though, you seem to be opinionated as well and resistant to being asked to specifically do something. For example, you challenged her that she prescribes antidepressants to her patients and that she should send them to a psychiatrist instead. I understand you were just giving your opinion but she's an actual doctor and you aren't. She has a strong personality so obviously she didn't appreciate being challenged about her competence as a doctor. I think this is where you were rubbing her up the wrong way, because you were strong in your opinions and she's strong in her opinions as well. 

Also you said that you didn't slow down to 35 miles per hour because "most people wouldn't do it". The point is, SHE asked you to do it. You seem to me to be resistant to actually doing what you were asked. And she's the sort of person who wants people to listen to her and do what she asks. I'm not saying you have to do that 24/7. But if you were asked to slow down to the designated speed limit, why was that a problem for you? 

I honestly don't see how it was going to work because you both sound like mire dominant people. That's usually very likely to cause a clash.

For example, I have an acquaintance that I used to be close friends with. Her personality is really dominant and blunt and opinionated. I have a stronger personality myself so we clashed really bad. But she's best friends with two of our friends who are quiet, more shy and introverted. She told me that she was talking to her psychologist and said: "I'm having issues with Tinydance. But I get along really well with our other two friends." And the psychologist was like: "Are they more passive?" And my friend was like: "How did you know lol" 

I think for friendships and relationships to work, people need to be a good fit. For example, if one person is super talkative and wants to dominate conversations, the other person needs to be more quiet and a listener. If someone is more dominant, the other person gas to be more submissive and agreeable. I'm not saying submissive in a sense that they're being abused. But in the sense that they're genuinely chill and it doesn't bother them to go along with things. E.g. If they were asked to drive the speed limit, they'd be like: "Cool, I'll drive the speed limit."

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately these seem like the most realistic reasons.  The personalities.  Not someone else, not medication, not just out of nowhere. Just the burnout from too much conflict. You both seem to find each other too high maintenance, especially emotionally. 

^ Once again, nailed it. 👍 Nothing more. Nothing less.