Well, it's over...

[Cynder]

So, unfortunately I saw this coming for a while now.  But my SO and I ended things last night. 

This is different from any other breakup I've been through because it wasn't over anything we did to each other.  This was a result of his declining mental health.  It's sad on a whole other level because he is one of the most kind, warm, intelligent and creative people I've ever met.  He has such a beautiful soul and a kind heart.  He just can't pull himself up out of this rut he is in.  He is starting to become delusional and paranoid, sadly.  And that's what was the final coffin nail. 

His husband is on the verge of leaving him, also.  And him and his son haven't spoken in months. 

Personally, I wish he would go to a mental health facility for a while.  I think he needs evaluated and his meds need looked at.  I'm not a doctor, but he is on both Cymbalta and Strattera.  I remember reading somewhere that's a really bad combo and can cause psychotic episodes.  Once again, I'm not an expert.  And I could be completely wrong.  But he's on this whole cocktail of meds that I think are making things worse.  And on top of that he also takes Testosterone.  He's borderline diabetic because he eats an absolute trash diet.  (Lives on fast food and pop.)  So much could improve if he would just take better care of himself.  But he just doesn't care. 

I am so confused.  I don't know what to feel.  I know things aren't going to get better unless he gets some serious help, which he has no immediate plans to get.  He's been with the same therapist for years and she's obviously not helping him.  I am sad because I'm still in love with him and I can't be with the awesome, sweet, attentive man I fell for.  I am angry both at him and at myself.  Angry at him for not trying harder and angry at myself for not pushing harder. 

I just can't be with someone who is so out of touch with reality.  He was starting to scare me. 

I know it probably seems weird, but the person who has comforted me the most since this happened is his teenage son.  This kid is so wise beyond his years.  He messaged me and asked if I'm ok.  And he told me to not be too hard on myself because his dad has a lot of problems.  And he told me, "Think of it this way, you saved yourself from a lot more suffering down the line.  That's why I left, too."  I love that kid.  I really do.  We got really close and he thought of me like a step mom. 

The lady he thinks of like a mother has also been comforting me a lot today.  She took him under her wing when he came over here from Germany and they've had a close relationship for almost 20 years.  But even she has seen this downward spiral and he's starting to scare her, too. 

We (meaning my now ex and I) have been messaging off and on all day today.  We are both hurting.  I have considered blocking him.  But I'm not sure if it's really the right thing to do.  The conversation today hasn't been nasty or anything.  We are just talking through a lot of things and trying to find what closure we can.  I still love him so much and I am so conflicted.  I love him, but the guy I fell in love with is gone.  And it's not that he turned mean or anything.  He went from being someone who was so full of life and energy, who was always laughing and joking around, to someone who just wallows in misery all day and has no ambition to do anything anymore.  I feel like I've got a head start on the grieving process because he left me months ago. 

I just hope he gets the help he needs before it's too late.  I have been trying to be kind to myself and remind myself it was time to jump ship.  Things were only going to keep getting worse and my mental health was starting to suffer also.  I took a long shower earlier and pampered myself a little.  I also did something corny but it seemed to help.  I gave myself a hug in the shower and told myself "I love you." 

I have no ill will toward him.  I hope nothing but good things for his life.  I will always be there as a friend.  It's all I can give right now. 

I have to go to work later, and that will be a good distraction.  But any support or any advice people have here would be appreciated.  I have a support system around me.  But also it's nice to get thoughts from people who have no bias.  Thanks in advance. 

 

[arjumand]

Your thinking is correct -- that you can't be with someone who is mentally unhealthy and who is not doing anything about it. I am glad that you are valuing yourself and living your life. This is real progress. It is sad, and disappointing, but you are doing really well. 

 

 

[greendots]

So sorry to hear you are hurting, Cynder. I feel it's best for you to focus on your well-being and your journey. You matter too, Cynder.

{{virtual hugs}}

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.   But I think you need, and deserve to be with a healthy person.  

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.   But I think you need, and deserve to be with a healthy person.  

The thing that's really killing me right now are the memories of the way he used to be.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, greendots said:

So sorry to hear you are hurting, Cynder. I feel it's best for you to focus on your well-being and your journey. You matter too, Cynder.

{{virtual hugs}}

Same exact from me.

[Cynder]

We were messaging all through last night when I was at work.  We are talking on his terms, though.  He is always the one who messages first.  He says it's because he wants to find some level of resolution so we can decide if we want to be friends, or completely wash our hands of each other, or whatever other option there might be.  But it seems so hard to reach any resolution with him when he is in such a heightened emotional state. 

He has been talking a lot about mainfestations, etc.  But he also seems to be projecting things onto me that don't make a lot of sense.  He likes to say that his life is just one crisis after another.  Like, that's almost a catchphrase for him.  "My life is just one crisis after another."  But last night he was telling me that the reason I have so many bad things happen to me is because I manifest bad things.  I told him my life isn't just a series of crises like his life is.  So, maybe he needs to start manifesting better things for himself too then.  He has yet to answer that message. 

He also got annoyed with me last night because I used his name while talking to him.  He said I "just need to do things that frustrate him."  I asked what I did to frustrate him, specifically.  And he told me it's frustrating that I call him by his name because it's obvious who I'm addressing.  I don't need to say his name.  Ok... this has never been an issue before.  And why the hell would you get annoyed just because someone called you by your name in a conversation?  

His mental state is deteriorating and it's breaking my heart while also pissing me off.  Not pissed at him.  Just pissed that this is happening to such a good person and nothing can be done about it. 

I have a therapy appointment tonight.  I'm glad I do because I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. 

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry it didn't work out. But I'm glad you have support from so many people that are close to the situation. They understand. 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I told him my life isn't just a series of crises like his life is.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I think you are absolutely right to have said this.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry. I agree with everyone else. 

You've come a long way in taking care of your self and you have a lot to be proud of there. Keep doing that! 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry Cynder.  A lot of times the kindest cut is the cut you do for yourself so you can have a good life and so the other person can be responsible for however way his (or her) life unfolds. 

Relationships should be healthy,  not taxing. 

You did the right thing. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I ended associations if they were a drag,  very high maintenance,  burdensome,  an imposition or downright painful and cruel.  I can take it to the next level with other major offenses.  Various reasons run the gamut. 

Anyway, take good care of yourself @Cynder.

[Cynder]

I have a friend who I've known for 20ish years who is my ice cream buddy.  He's this metalhead guy who was in one of the local bands I used to go see a lot.  There is this really good home made ice cream place in my town that we meet up at once in a while just to talk.  (Strictly platonic, he's married with kids.)  But I called him to see if he wanted to go get ice cream before my therapy appointment. He knows what's going on.  He knew that D and I were going through a rough time.  So, instead of just sitting around stewing in things waiting to go to therapy, I'm going to go eat some comfort food and be social. 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry Cynder.  A lot of times the kindest cut is the cut you do for yourself so you can have a good life and so the other person can be responsible for however way his (or her) life unfolds. 

Relationships should be healthy,  not taxing. 

You did the right thing. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I ended associations if they were a drag,  very high maintenance,  burdensome,  an imposition or downright painful and cruel.  I can take it to the next level with other major offenses.  Various reasons run the gamut. 

Anyway, take good care of yourself @Cynder.

Yes...  I know this is the best option but it's so confusing because I miss him so much and wish we were still together.  The classic battle of the heart vs the mind.  I just keep trying to tell myself it's not him that I miss.  It's who he used to be that I miss.  The person I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.  And chances are that person is never coming back.  That's the thing that hurts the most. 

I don't think he misses me and wishes we were still together.  He doesn't seem very friendly today. 

[Cynder]

He just messaged me this a few minutes ago:  "I’d like you to think about this, I want to understand you and you to understand me. Would your therapist let us talk about this in a session together?"

I read that and my immediate reaction was to feel hopeful.  But it's unrealistic to think that talking to my therapist about this would solve anything.  One session where we both talk to her isn't going to undo what's been going on for months. 

I did tell him I can ask her tonight.  I said I would also be willing to talk to him and his therapist, too.  Idk, part of me thinks this won't solve anything but part of me wonders if it might be the beginning of a wake up call. 

[LootieTootie]

Hi Cynder, just had time to look at your thread and I am sorry you are going thru a breakup. I think it's been 2 days since you guys broke up and it appears that he keeps reaching out for some sort of closure?

If thats the case, do you think this is helpful for you or good for you when you need to heal?

 

[Cynder]

29 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Hi Cynder, just had time to look at your thread and I am sorry you are going thru a breakup. I think it's been 2 days since you guys broke up and it appears that he keeps reaching out for some sort of closure?

If thats the case, do you think this is helpful for you or good for you when you need to heal?

 

I don't really know if it's helpful or good for me at this point. 

[Cynder]

Well, as of last night, he is blocked.  It hurt me to have to do that.  We talked about it beforehand though.  I told him I need to block him on Facebook at least for now for my own mental health.  But I also told him he can still text me if he has anything terribly important to say, etc.  So far he hasn't.  He is most likely being quiet because he knows that's what I need right now.  Because before that he was really chatty. 

His son and I have talked every day since the breakup.  And I get emotional every time his son comes up in conversation.  I really miss him and I wish I could see him.  He lives out of state now.  Since him and his dad had their falling out he went to live with relatives about 150 miles away. 

This is so hard.  It's hard knowing that you love someone and they love you too, but other factors just keep it from working. 

[Cynder]

Today I woke up feeling completely gutted. I didn't really think of this before but He dragged me down with him into depression.  Him being depressed made me depressed.  And I just kept clinging to the hope that he would come out of it soon and we would both be happy again.  Well, all that suffering that I went through just from seeing him suffer was for nothing.  Now we are both still suffering and no longer together. 

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better. 

[catfeeder]

On 9/11/2023 at 9:16 PM, Cynder said:

Angry at him for not trying harder and angry at myself for not pushing harder.

I think you already know that opting for self kindness is the right route.

You couldn't have pushed him harder because you would have faced the same ejection as everyone else in his life who attempted to do that. While that may have cut your losses early, I think it's helpful for you to have played this out to an exit in a less adversarial way.

Nobody can predict D's odds of recovery. He's recovered before. So that's the mental soft landing you can embrace even while you put that on the back burner and move your focus forward to tend to your own life and goals.

You are a smart, resourceful and beautiful woman, despite your conditioned view of yourself as freakish. You've continually proven to yourself that when one door closes, another opens. While understandably, you may not be convinced of that at this moment, your resilience is well earned, and you will find yourself thriving sooner rather than later. Whether that will immediately include D in your life or not, I credit you with an ability to allow the upward spiral you've been navigating over the course of your life to show you a better outcome than you can fathom at the moment.

(((HUG)))
Cat 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

All this block here and there and everywhere

If someone wants to see what you're doing they can find a way

Main thing is for you to stay away 

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think you already know that opting for self kindness is the right route.

You couldn't have pushed him harder because you would have faced the same ejection as everyone else in his life who attempted to do that. While that may have cut your losses early, I think it's helpful for you to have played this out to an exit in a less adversarial way.

Nobody can predict D's odds of recovery. He's recovered before. So that's the mental soft landing you can embrace even while you put that on the back burner and move your focus forward to tend to your own life and goals.

You are a smart, resourceful and beautiful woman, despite your conditioned view of yourself as freakish. You've continually proven to yourself that when one door closes, another opens. While understandably, you may not be convinced of that at this moment, your resilience is well earned, and you will find yourself thriving sooner rather than later. Whether that will immediately include D in your life or not, I credit you with an ability to allow the upward spiral you've been navigating over the course of your life to show you a better outcome than you can fathom at the moment.

(((HUG)))
Cat 

 

He has told me he is disappointed because he was working so hard on himself just to be a better partner for me.  That's the thing that really keeps eating at me.  Comments like, "I wish you understood how hard I was trying."  Etc...  That makes me feel really guilty.  But I'm a person with feelings also.  And I would rather be single than sitting off to the side waiting for someone to get their mental health figured out.  I know there's probably a chance he will reach out again when things do get better.  But then we will be two different people.  Who knows if we will ever be in each others' lives again. 

In a weird way I wish he would have cheated on me, or done something else really bad that I could have walked away from a lot easier.  (To anyone wondering, yes, it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship.)  It's a lot harder to walk away when the person you were with didn't really do anything wrong. 

I told him that I feel like all the support I gave him and all the times I tried to lift him up over the last few months was for nothing.  And he told me it's impossible to lift someone up when they're as depressed as he is, so as much as he appreciates the gesture, it was pointless.  I can't say that made me feel better, but at least he was honest. 

His Mom told me she is convinced he just doesn't want help, he likes the chaos and he hates himself so he has a lot of masked contempt for people who genuinely love him.  She's not a psychologist.  These are just her observations and she's known him for 20ish years.  So she is probably more spot on than I am, having only known him for 6. 

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, Cynder said:

It's a lot harder to walk away when the person you were with didn't really do anything wrong. 

I know exactly what you mean, actually.

[Cynder]

I hate waking up in the morning right now.  That feeling of waking up and remembering the person I love is no longer in my life makes me not want to get out of bed.  I keep trying to think of positive things and things I can do to make life better, even just small things. 

I remember something someone said in a true crime documentary I watched not too long ago.  She had lost everything and she decided one thing she could do while trying to get through such a tragedy was wake up every day and braid her hair.  She liked wearing her hair that way and decided that was the one thing she could do that at least made her feel good.  I know I haven't lost everything and this is nowhere near what she went through.  But I'm trying to think of that one small thing I could do every day that will make me feel good. 

I haven't painted since June because I don't paint when I'm really down.  Maybe I could take some steps toward painting again.  Or maybe I could wake up every day and spend fine minutes cleaning my house.  I don't really understand the psychology behind it but cleaning actually cheers me up a lot. Someone suggested once that it might be because I feel like I have control over my environment if nothing else. 

[Cynder]

40 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I know exactly what you mean, actually.

Yea, even though I know I'm better off in the long run, it still hurts like hell. 

I used to wake up every morning to these sweet messages, "Hey gorgeous, I'm thinking about you."  "I know you're sleeping but I hope you're dreaming about me."  Etc.  For the last few months I've either woke up to no message at all or a message that says something like, "I hate my life and wish I was dead." 

This morning when I went to bed I did think to myself, "Well, from now on I don't have to wake up and dread looking at my phone."

[Cynder]

I'm at work right now and there hasn't been a customer in here in like 3 hours. I have done so much to not ruminate on this situation. I deleted our whole Facebook message history. I blocked him. And then I remember tonight that I had all these screenshots saved on my phone of our conversations that I saved for various reasons. And I spent the last half hour or so going through deleting all of those too. And it hurt because the further back I would get I could see the difference in his personality. The messages from like 7 or 8 months ago just read like a completely different person was writing them. And then as soon as I deleted them all I immediately started to cry. Because I'm doing this for my own mental health, but at the same time it kind of feels wrong. He was such a big part of my life for so long and it's just like I'm erasing every trace of his existence as far as I'm concerned. And as I'm sitting here in the back room at work crying I can't help but wonder if he's sitting somewhere crying over me too.