Well, it's over...

[Cynder]

45 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, and naah. She's already a casualty. He leaned into her, and she came out sideways on you.

None of this is rational. Sure, the dominos started to fall with Noodles, but there isn't anyone who has come out unscathed. The sister's venom was just her swan song.

I get that the unfairness of it all really hurts you. And I'm not dismissing that even while I encourage you to look at the totality of The Thing.

D hasn't spared one person who loves him, and that's not because he's hateful. He is ill. And dramatically egocentric. And all of the other self-centric traits that go along with that, which overshadow any modicum of feelings or respect that he can hold for anyone at this time.

Does this mean you don't have a right to be angry with him? Just the opposite. You have every right to feel as devastated and as angry as is useful to you, and no holds barred. Your grief is justified. Regardless of whether you were dealing with a sane person who could have done something about his mistreatment or were otherwise dealing with someone hanging onto the edges of sanity while that one last skunk death tipped him over the edge.

It's not your fault. You know this, but everything relative to this that you are dealing with is ALSO not your fault.

(((HUGS))) honey,
Cat

I actually had to look up what swan song means.  I've heard that phrase before but I just associate with with Led Zeppelin. 

I have a feeling one day his sister is going to regret the way she talked to me.  He'll turn on her, too. 

I'm angry about a lot of things regarding this whole situation...  but the fact that I did everything that was asked of me and I still became the enemy, that's going to take a long time to get over. 

His son was messaging me last night, talking about his new car and stuff.  His grandpa just died (His dad's dad, not D's dad.)  And so we were talking about that, and he made a comment that his younger brother (D's youngest son, age 16) is starting to show similar personality traits.  Hopefully there's not another version of him growing up that will treat people this way.  I hope his 16 year old son gets therapy and all the right help while he's still young. 

I know I never even mentioned his other two sons on here.  The 19 year old is the only one who had any interest in having any kind of relationship with him.  His oldest is 21, well adjusted and hasn't spoken to D in about 5 years. 

 

[catfeeder]

21 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I have a feeling one day his sister is going to regret the way she talked to me.  He'll turn on her, too. 

I believe that he's already given her hell, and that's why she turned on you.

[TacticalLinguine]

On 9/22/2023 at 12:48 AM, Cynder said:

This is what I woke up to this morning.  There hasn't been any contact between us for 8 days.  I'm really not sure how to respond or if I even will respond. 

Bit late but this is just plain manipulation. That cannot be blamed on his mental illness, that’s HIS character flaw. 

[Cynder]

So, a festival that I have a really long association with and one of the first ones I ever worked at, is this weekend.  This is a festival that has been going on in my city since the 60s.  My Grandma had a booth there for a lot of years.  And one of my earliest memories is going to this festival with my Grandma when I was a toddler.  There was a harp player there who let me play her harp, and I got to paint a block of wood.  And little tiny me thought this was the greatest day ever. 

My ex husband actually cheated on me at this festival... while I was there.  Him and my (now former) friend who he cheated with went to get food and ended up banging in a parking lot.  And here I was sitting at a picnic table watching all our stuff wondering what's taking so long. 

This will be my tenth year vending this one.  My history with this event is long. 

But the reason I'm posting this is...  Last year when this one happened, D and I had just started dating.  And he had to go out to CO for a job.  He was in CO when the festival was going on.  And we both missed each other so much during that weekend.  I mean, he kept texting me pics from out there.  And I was texting him pics of the festival.  And he called me several times that weekend, saying how much he missed me and how much he wished he was there in my tent with me.  At one point he even got a little emotional when we were talking.  And we just kept talking about how he would be here for it next year.  And how next year would be great.  And how that's something we can look forward to. 

Well... now it's next year.  This festival kicks off in two days.  Obviously he won't be there with me, and he probably couldn't care less.  It's just so hard remembering the person he used to be before his mental health tanked.  I can't stop crying thinking about this.  It will probably be hard keeping it together this weekend while I'm actually there.  I might have to cry behind the booth a couple times. 

[Cynder]

WF Kicked off today... and it was a lonely, miserable 12 hour day for me. 

Because of the circumstances last year, and also because WF is basically a German Festival, it was impossible not to think of him all day today.  And because I don't announce everything that happens in my life on social media...  combined with WF taking place in my home town which means I see tons of people I know there every year, today I got a lot of, "How's your bf doing?"  "Are you still seeing that guy?"  I think the grief hit harder today than it has any day since the breakup.  And I couldn't even have time to myself and a safe place to indulge it because I was working the booth all alone. 

Then I came home to my empty house, and I am now sitting here alone.  And all I can think is this is my life.  This is what all this hard work has boiled down to.  I sell useless crap to people that they don't really need.  And I also provide a service that gives people cancer. 

I am back to quasi wishing I was dead again.  Honestly, the only thing stopping me from full on wishing for death is that I have books to finish.  I have three stories that I think really need to be told.  They are all in progress.  When they are all finished, then I don't know what I'll do.  Because I honestly won't care about what happens to me anymore. 

I wonder if he is suffering like I am suffering.  I know he's working at a festival this weekend too.  (And the only reason I know is because I talked about it with him when we were still together and I am friends with several other vendors who are there, too.  I've seen the pics on social media, etc.  Not pics of him, but pics of the event, etc.  So I know that's where he is. 

I guess all I can do is summon all this negativity and throw it into some messed up scenes in one of the novels.  One of my novels is a horror story that involves scenes of torture, etc.  Maybe it's time to write those scenes while I feel like this. 

I just wish none of this would have happened. 

[Batya33]

How would it help  you if -hypothetically -you knew he was suffering and missed you? Can I share a story -just because? In 1992 I was head over heels with my boyfriend of around a year.  I had just finished intense grad school exams (relevant to story).  We both lived at home with our parents about 45 minute drive away.  We were invited to a party -my friends.  He came over to pick me up and blindsided me by ending things. (He said he'd wanted to earlier but -my exams).  

He left.  I was so so distraught.  Blindsided.  The following Monday I started my summer internship.  It helped as a distraction but I felt so wobbly (and no -no one knew I'd had a boyfriend, etc).  I came home that day -maybe the next day -first week of work.  He was there.  He was waiting at my parents' house in our living room lol for hours waiting for me. (Yes my parents let him in - he was a good person just broke my heart).

He said - I made a huge mistake and you know I miss you so much, I love you, now I'm thinking how awesome it would be to get married in the future, have bbqs and invite all our friends, have kids (we were in our mid 20s).  I was - thrilled, also nervous.

I think given my age I probably told some of my new colleagues how awesome this was.

The next day he called me and said "forget what I said.  I'm all f-ed up.  I don't want to be with you."

I really do think that hurt more.  (We did get back together a couple of months later. And he proposed 8 months after that and I declined -I just felt - distant, like I'd be lonely married to him -very - weird).  10 years later we met up after being in light touch over the years and it came clear that he'd been struggling with his sexual orientation around the time we first broke up, he was fighting his knowledge that he was gay (this was early 90s and he lived in a very conservative area and worked in a conservative type field) - he wanted to marry me as a way to be "normal" and he'd likely have been unfaithful (he was not when we dated, ever with anyone).

He's been with and married to his husband for so many years now.  I am so very happy for him.  By the time he told me -sure -I was wondering why he wanted to meet up with me after all those years when I was visiting San Francisco (yes of course he moved there!) - but I never assumed he wanted me back.

So I mean -he was suffering in 1992, and he showed up to tell me, wanted so badly to be back together -until he didn't 24 hours later. No he did not have a mental illness but I'd figure that if you're fighting who you are -as he was -maybe it felt like that to him -such an internal struggle!!  - so "knowing' he was suffering, knowing he wanted me back so he thought -was it worth it at the end to know that? It hurt me so much.  

Hope that was ok to share.  I also hope you feel better. I am glad you did the festival because obviously you could have decided you simply could not.

[Cynder]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How would it help  you if -hypothetically -you knew he was suffering and missed you? Can I share a story -just because? In 1992 I was head over heels with my boyfriend of around a year.  I had just finished intense grad school exams (relevant to story).  We both lived at home with our parents about 45 minute drive away.  We were invited to a party -my friends.  He came over to pick me up and blindsided me by ending things. (He said he'd wanted to earlier but -my exams).  

He left.  I was so so distraught.  Blindsided.  The following Monday I started my summer internship.  It helped as a distraction but I felt so wobbly (and no -no one knew I'd had a boyfriend, etc).  I came home that day -maybe the next day -first week of work.  He was there.  He was waiting at my parents' house in our living room lol for hours waiting for me. (Yes my parents let him in - he was a good person just broke my heart).

He said - I made a huge mistake and you know I miss you so much, I love you, now I'm thinking how awesome it would be to get married in the future, have bbqs and invite all our friends, have kids (we were in our mid 20s).  I was - thrilled, also nervous.

I think given my age I probably told some of my new colleagues how awesome this was.

The next day he called me and said "forget what I said.  I'm all f-ed up.  I don't want to be with you."

I really do think that hurt more.  (We did get back together a couple of months later. And he proposed 8 months after that and I declined -I just felt - distant, like I'd be lonely married to him -very - weird).  10 years later we met up after being in light touch over the years and it came clear that he'd been struggling with his sexual orientation around the time we first broke up, he was fighting his knowledge that he was gay (this was early 90s and he lived in a very conservative area and worked in a conservative type field) - he wanted to marry me as a way to be "normal" and he'd likely have been unfaithful (he was not when we dated, ever with anyone).

He's been with and married to his husband for so many years now.  I am so very happy for him.  By the time he told me -sure -I was wondering why he wanted to meet up with me after all those years when I was visiting San Francisco (yes of course he moved there!) - but I never assumed he wanted me back.

So I mean -he was suffering in 1992, and he showed up to tell me, wanted so badly to be back together -until he didn't 24 hours later. No he did not have a mental illness but I'd figure that if you're fighting who you are -as he was -maybe it felt like that to him -such an internal struggle!!  - so "knowing' he was suffering, knowing he wanted me back so he thought -was it worth it at the end to know that? It hurt me so much.  

Hope that was ok to share.  I also hope you feel better. I am glad you did the festival because obviously you could have decided you simply could not.

Knowing he is suffering wouldn't make me feel any better.  I don't necessarily want to know.  But I do wonder if he is.  I know that doesn't make sense.  It's like passing a bad car accident, and not wanting to look but still being curious.  I know that's not the best analogy, because in that situation, most people will look and then regret what they saw.  I am curious, but in the end I don't want to know because it would hurt worse. 

And it's so ironic because today something happened that is kind of like your story. 

Since WF is a show that happens in my home town and I see so many people there that I know, toward the end of the show, some friends of mine who were friends with Z also came into my booth.  They recognized my painting of her.  She stayed with them for a few nights after moving out of here.  And she kept in close contact with them for a while after.  And despite my roommate and my ex friend telling me she was so glad to be done with me and she did nothing but badmouth me, these people told me a completely different story.  They told me that all she did was sleep, drink and cry for weeks.  (And it's messed up because that's what I did for weeks too, except not as much on the drinking.)  Finding that out was really upsetting and it's hard to even explain why.  I don't even know who to believe anymore about anything.  But for so long I accepted the narrative that was told to me, that she was happy, that her life was so much better without me in it, etc.  But I accepted that because I had nothing else to go on, and when you've been ghosted you just want answers. 

[Cynder]

Maybe I am just being paranoid, but since the breakup, I've gotten a lot of random Facebook friend requests from obvious sock puppet accounts.  And three of them have had the same first name as my recent ex.  Yes, his name is reasonably common here in the US.  It could just be that I am noticing it more now because it's his name, idk.  His name is spelled an unusual way, though. So none of the accounts spell it the same as him.  They all only have one picture that's an obvious stock photo.  They all have under 5 friends.  And they all have no posts.  I'm sure he hates it that I blocked him.  He's probably wondering what I've been posting.  I wondered if he is still suffering.  I guess he wants to know if I"m suffering too.  But I don't advertise my suffering on social media.  I've been accused of being one of those Facebook fake people who only shows the positive side of their life, etc.  Well, it's not because I'm trying to be fake.  I'm just not comfortable with airing dirty laundry on Facebook.  I stick to positive things. 

Idk...  I'm sure at least one of the sock puppets is him.  I know he has other sock puppet accounts because he told me.  He used one of message his MIL and mess with her once. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I'm just not comfortable with airing dirty laundry on Facebook.  I stick to positive things. 

Why do you post at all publicly then? I share positives with acquaintances I catch up with - by private message/text/running into a friend while I'm at a store, etc.  I do not think it's wrong but -why bother in the first place? I have many friends who do what you do and confide in me privately. I try my best to understand why they do this even though to me it's "what's the point?"  (I don't make posts, I don't post photos and if I had a business that required it I would post business related stuff, but I don't). 

I do comment on others' posts and sometimes share a bit here or there that is related but I avoid posting likes on those who regularly post selfies or photos just to get accolades (as opposed to a selfie with an interesting aspect of their travel or an activity they're doing like biking for a cause, showing their art, etc).

Especially now if you post pollyannish/positive stuff you're likely to trigger comments- even private comments - wanting to know -ok -what's really going on?

As for D what I would do personally and have done many times -I tell people not to talk to me about others -no gossip- whether it's about an ex or a mutual friend unless it's essential for me to know like "oh so and so's father is ill and unclear whether he'll have to go in hospice" or "just so you know A and B separated so if you mention B to A it might be awkward". I have a friend who tries  to stir the pot by dropping comments about a mutual friend -mutual in the last 2 years as their kids are now classmates- trying to see if I'll volunteer info - gossip, etc.  I don't.  Ever.

The other woman never does this to me but I'd do the same.  It's not worth it and yes I've had people my ex and I knew reach out and once in awhile there is "news" but I shut it down -I want them to know if the tables were turned I'm a person who is discreet and doesn't gossip or discuss people behind their back.  Also means I don't have to endure what you are now and I'm sorry it triggered you!  You do you -just sharing what I do. I hope today is better!!

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you post at all publicly then?

Especially now if you post pollyannish/positive stuff you're likely to trigger comments- even private comments - wanting to know -ok -what's really going on?

 

I don't post publicly.  My posts are friends only. 

I wouldn't say my posts are pollyannish either.  Maybe I don't understand the meaning of that term, but I always thought that meant like, disgustingly sweet kindergarten teacher-esque.  I post progress pics of my paintings, pics of my pets, once in a while I post excerpts from my writing, pics of interesting stuff I see at festivals, etc. 

Six weeks ago I told L I was changing the locks on October 1, and she had until then to get out of my house.  Last night at around 3AM I did this.  This is the first time I've lived alone in 6 years.  I woke up this morning to my cat snuggling up next to me.  My throat is scratchy from 2 days of talking to customers.  I feel all bloated from two days of festival food (something I normally don't indulge in, but I will admit I was too depressed and lazy to pack lunches for myself.)  All I could think was, "Well, this is my future. I've become a lonely cat lady." 

I still think being alone is better than being surrounded with toxicity, though.  L was a destructive force in my life.  She trashed her part of the house.  (I'm going to have to hire professional cleaners to come in here and clean it up...  And this just reminds me once again that I'm going through a breakup, since D has worked a lot of professional cleaning jobs and he always told me when I kick her out he will come and help me clean.  That's obviously not happening now.) 

I see now why so many people build walls around themselves and never let anyone in.  Everyone ends up being a disappointment in the end.  This works both ways, since I disappoint everyone in the end, too. 

Right now these three books I'm working on are the only thing keeping me going.  And then I'll finish them... and then what?  And who says it's even going to matter that I finished them?  I'm a nobody.  It's not like I'm going to suddenly end up on the NYT best seller list.  (People don't want to hear this, but most of the people on that list bought their way there anyway.)  It's almost like I don't want to finish them because then what do I have left? 

[Batya33]

Oh to me if someone has many FB friends that is public posting as opposed to an email to one friend or a very small group or a DM or text.  I have hundreds of FB friends and my son is 14 so for example I've posted 3 photos of him total and one was from a newspaper.  Last time I did so was 10 years ago and we severely restrict who can post photos of him on social media.  But we email and text photos to certain friends and family members.  

I'm not judging your choices just explaining what I meant!

I'm sorry about the situation with L!!

[Cynder]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry about the situation with L!!

I'm not.  I was being used.  She hasn't paid rent in almost a year.  She leaves the lights on all day when she leaves.  She leave two fans on in her room when she's gone.  I've told her the electric bills are sky high and she doesn't care because she's not paying them.  Her cats have broken a lot of my stuff.  She doesn't work.  She lays around on her ass all day and expects me to support her.  I shouldn't be supporting a grown ass woman. 

I let her stay longer than I probably should have because I was so close with her son.  But he hasn't been over here since April.  If I don't get to have a relationship with my nephew than she doesn't get to stay here. 

I didn't think anything you said was Judgmental. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm not.  I was being used.  She hasn't paid rent in almost a year.  She leaves the lights on all day when she leaves.  She leave two fans on in her room when she's gone.  I've told her the electric bills are sky high and she doesn't care because she's not paying them.  Her cats have broken a lot of my stuff.  She doesn't work.  She lays around on her ass all day and expects me to support her.  I shouldn't be supporting a grown ass woman. 

I let her stay longer than I probably should have because I was so close with her son.  But he hasn't been over here since April.  If I don't get to have a relationship with my nephew than she doesn't get to stay here. 

I didn't think anything you said was Judgmental. 

I meant I’m sorry about the stress etc to you !

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

  It's almost like I don't want to finish them because then what do I have left? 

If you're a writer, you will probably be motivated to write another book.  Similarly to how you are inspired to do another painting after you've finished with one.

My hope for you is that you will move towards seeking stable, steadfast people in your life.  It seems that you are attracted to chaotic individuals who basically do not have their sh** together.  I assure you that you can still be in a very outlying social stratus - which is the way that artists generally live in the world - and surround yourself with people who are trustworthy and putting one foot in front of the other in their lives, and who are capable of being there fully for their own friends and loved ones - like you are.

[catfeeder]

Big congrats on getting L out!

 I can appreciate that you are not feeling celebratory at the moment, but you have just closed your door on the largest river of toxicity that’s been running through the background of your life for ages.

When prisoners are released from the darkness of their cells into the sunlight, people expect excited happiness, so some attempt to model that expectation for loved ones. But the enormity of the liberation is complex and intense. Some readjustment is needed.

You have just liberated yourself from two sources of stress, and you get to decide whether you will use your intelligence in your favor to adopt pride in your resilience, or whether you will warp your narrative into self imposed toxicity to force yourself into misery.

Given that you can’t control D’s healing, don’t buy into an unconscious impetus to stay bonded with him through pain. Instead, consider every step you take toward an inner narrative of healing, peace and finding joy in this classroom on Earth, you can share THAT kind of bond with him, instead.

Consider the nature of personality to be fluid, temporary, and not even always the point of our connections with others. In times of stress when you cannot grasp the subtlety of that, remember to fly on instruments.

You are in a time of transition, and you get to choose whether you will prime your mind to seek and find and trust your talents for creation, or whether you will opt instead to sink yourself by spiraling down into a narrative that keeps drilling you a deeper pit.

 You are at a crossroads. Choose wisely.

[Cynder]

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If you're a writer, you will probably be motivated to write another book.  Similarly to how you are inspired to do another painting after you've finished with one.

My hope for you is that you will move towards seeking stable, steadfast people in your life.  It seems that you are attracted to chaotic individuals who basically do not have their sh** together.  I assure you that you can still be in a very outlying social stratus - which is the way that artists generally live in the world - and surround yourself with people who are trustworthy and putting one foot in front of the other in their lives, and who are capable of being there fully for their own friends and loved ones - like you are.

Everyone who seems stable and steadfast ends up not being that way.  D was a stable person for the 5 years I knew him before we dated.  And even for the first half of our relationship.  Then his skunk died on NYE and everything changed. 

I do have several friends that I've known for ages who are awesome.  People on this forum rarely hear about them though because they don't cause drama in my life and this is a place where people generally post about drama. 

But, two years ago my ex roommate would have fit into that category... as in someone who I've known forever and is a good person.  But living with her made me see that she's not a good person at all.  So who knows what the other people I've been friends with for a long time are really like behind closed doors. 

I do put a lot of the blame on myself, as in I might be the problem.  If you smell crap everywhere you go, check your shoes.  If you find yourself always surrounded by assh*les, it's you who's the assh*ole, etc.  I have wondered if I am a narcissist and even if I'm a psychopath or a sociopath.  I've talked to my therapist about this and she feels pretty adamantly that I am not either of those things. 

There's a reason why the families of almost all my exes hated me.  There's a reason why I am not well liked at most of my jobs.  There's a reason why I've had total strangers come up to me out of nowhere and cuss at me.  I don't know what the reason is but clearly there is something off about me.  The festival scene is the only place where I don't get this treatment.  And that's probably because the scene attracts other people like me who are misfits everywhere else. 

[Cynder]

16 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Big congrats on getting L out!

 I can appreciate that you are not feeling celebratory at the moment, but you have just closed your door on the largest river of toxicity that’s been running through the background of your life for ages.

When prisoners are released from the darkness of their cells into the sunlight, people expect excited happiness, so some attempt to model that expectation for loved ones. But the enormity of the liberation is complex and intense. Some readjustment is needed.

You have just liberated yourself from two sources of stress, and you get to decide whether you will use your intelligence in your favor to adopt pride in your resilience, or whether you will warp your narrative into self imposed toxicity to force yourself into misery.

Given that you can’t control D’s healing, don’t buy into an unconscious impetus to stay bonded with him through pain. Instead, consider every step you take toward an inner narrative of healing, peace and finding joy in this classroom on Earth, you can share THAT kind of bond with him, instead.

Consider the nature of personality to be fluid, temporary, and not even always the point of our connections with others. In times of stress when you cannot grasp the subtlety of that, remember to fly on instruments.

You are in a time of transition, and you get to choose whether you will prime your mind to seek and find and trust your talents for creation, or whether you will opt instead to sink yourself by spiraling down into a narrative that keeps drilling you a deeper pit.

 You are at a crossroads. Choose wisely.

Omg, L being gone is such a huge thing for me.  She left most of her stuff here and her part of the house is absolutely trashed.  But she's gone.  She also left one of her three cats here.  I don't know why...  But of the three he as the one I was kind of attached to.  So I can live with him staying. 

I won't be forcing myself into misery...  I am at my absolute happiest when I'm single.  One of the biggest reasons I was really closed off when D and I first started seeing each other was because I didn't know if I was ready to give up singlehood. 

I really hope he's not sitting around suffering.  But knowing him like I do, I'm sure he is.  My writing coach is a friend of his, too.  And when he found out we broke up he was messaging me like, "Well, now I know why he's been posting so much depressing stuff."  But...  I don't put much stock in that either because D is all about depressing Facebook posts.  At least for the last 6 months or so.  He used to post pics of his paintings, pics of the skunks, pics of whatever project he was working on around his house, etc.  Then six months ago it because all about putting his depression on display. He told me when we first got together that he has a bad track record of sucking the happiness right out of people he gets close to (not on purpose.)  Now I feel like I sucked the happiness right out of him.  In the days after we broke up when we were still talking, he said a few things that sounded like he was making me his scapegoat. Like he thinks it's my fault he is in this mental state.  I guess if he needs someone to blame and it has to be me, I can't do anything about that.  But I also don't need to stick around to hear about it, either.  He can blame me all he wants.  If I don't see it or hear it I don't have to acknowledge it. 

The fact that I finally decided it's time to go after my other goal in life... that has been a huge thing for me.  As a kid all I wanted was to be an artist and an author.  I have all this stuff I've written for years just sitting around.  Now my focus is finishing and publishing multiple books.  That's the road I"m taking right now. 

I have wondered if writing has just been a way to distract myself from feeling what I need to feel right now.  But I don't know...  I cried more the last month D and I were together than I have since we split up.  I am so glad it ended right at the end of festival season, too. 

I feel like I"m just rambling at this point...

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

Everyone who seems stable and steadfast ends up not being that way.  

Well ... you will learn that this is not really the case.   Also that you will be able to have troubled people in your life, they don't have to be excommunicated, but you won't pick them as romantic partners or housemates anymore.  

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

 

I do put a lot of the blame on myself, as in I might be the problem.  If you smell crap everywhere you go, check your shoes.  If you find yourself always surrounded by assh*les, it's you who's the assh*ole, etc.  I have wondered if I am a narcissist and even if I'm a psychopath or a sociopath.  I've talked to my therapist about this and she feels pretty adamantly that I am not either of those things. 

You are not to blame for the problems of other people in your life.  You are responsible for your own choices like we all are; that's not "blame" though.

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

There's a reason why the families of almost all my exes hated me.  There's a reason why I am not well liked at most of my jobs.  There's a reason why I've had total strangers come up to me out of nowhere and cuss at me.  I don't know what the reason is but clearly there is something off about me.  The festival scene is the only place where I don't get this treatment.  And that's probably because the scene attracts other people like me who are misfits everywhere else. 

I understand from first hand experience that being an artist very often includes being an "outsider."  A misfit, whatever.  

You seem to be very well liked here.  I can't address  your experiences with people disliking you. 

I have a family member "on the spectrum" and she is generally disliked by almost all  people until / unless they get to know who she is and that takes time.  The reason for this is that she does not read, and therefore does not respond to social cues. She can't "read the room."  Has no idea if she's standing too close to people she's talking to, whether she's modulating her voice appropriately, whether she's just burst in on a private conversation between two people who may be in conflict or are discussing something very sad, etc.  

I have no clue and am not suggesting that this is your situation.  I don't tend to think that it is, but it is a real thing for many people.

I have gathered that you have been treated as a pariah in your family of origin since you were a little child, and I think that mostly, you are carrying that burden with you in your life now. 

 

 

 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... you will learn that this is not really the case.   Also that you will be able to have troubled people in your life, they don't have to be excommunicated, but you won't pick them as romantic partners or housemates anymore.  

You are not to blame for the problems of other people in your life.  You are responsible for your own choices like we all are; that's not "blame" though.

I understand from first hand experience that being an artist very often includes being an "outsider."  A misfit, whatever.  

You seem to be very well liked here.  I can't address  your experiences with people disliking you. 

I have a family member "on the spectrum" and she is generally disliked by almost all  people until / unless they get to know who she is and that takes time.  The reason for this is that she does not read, and therefore does not respond to social cues. She can't "read the room."  Has no idea if she's standing too close to people she's talking to, whether she's modulating her voice appropriately, whether she's just burst in on a private conversation between two people who may be in conflict or are discussing something very sad, etc.  

I have no clue and am not suggesting that this is your situation.  I don't tend to think that it is, but it is a real thing for many people.

I have gathered that you have been treated as a pariah in your family of origin since you were a little child, and I think that mostly, you are carrying that burden with you in your life now. 

 

 

 

I am most likely on the spectrum also.  I've never been diagnosed and I don't self diagnose (in other words, I don't go around claiming to be Autistic just because I think I am.)  But I fit the profile to the letter, especially when I was younger.  I had no social skills at all as a teenager and even into my early 20s.  I used to be just like your cousin. 

I look at the reasons some people don't like me (when I'm aware of the reason) and to me none of them make sense.  D's Mom told me recently that she didn't like me at first because when we first met I was "b*tchy."  But the first time we met I complimented her on her outfit and she gave me a big hug.  So I have no clue how I was b*tchy to her.  It seemed like we got along fine the first time we met. 

At one of my old jobs I was pretty much ignored and thought of as the company weirdo because I listen to Rush (the band, not Limbaugh.)  I was in the breakroom on the phone with my brother talking about getting tickets to go see them.  When I got off the phone one of my coworkers asked who I was going to see.  I told him and he made fun of me for the rest of our lunch break and then went and told everyone "Wow that new girl's weird. She listens to music from the 70s and stuff."  He was saying all this stuff right in earshot and I could hear myself being made fun of by people.  I can't even imagine not liking someone just because I don't agree with their taste in music.  To me that just seems ridiculous. 

I had pretty much the same thing happen at another job once because I was using this vitamin powder stuff to boost my immune system, etc.  I would put it in my water bottle and shake it up.  Someone asked me what it was and I told them.  And then it was, "Wow, that new girl's a weird one.  She's into all this hippie dippy stuff and puts green powder in her water bottle!" 

I just don't invest that much energy into the things that other people around me drink/listen to, etc.  I don't care what people do, especially if it has no impact on me and isn't hurting anyone else. 

There was a girl I worked with years ago who just didn't like the way I did things.  She wasn't my supervisor and had no authority over me.  But she would try to micromanage everything I did, right down to where I hung my coat up in my work area.  She didn't like the order that I did things in.  She had an issue with the way I organized my desk, etc.  One day she got right in my face and was like, "Look, something needs to change here because I can't handle this anymore.  My husband is so sick and tired of hearing me complain about you every night. This all needs to stop right now."  I don't remember what I said.  I really had no idea what to say because all the things I wanted to say would have been unprofessional.  I really just wanted to tell her to f off, because the way I do my job shouldn't bother her that much, and management doesn't have any issues with how I do things.  And that if I am all she has to talk about after work maybe she needs to get a life.  The whole situation was ridiculous.  Eventually they moved her and it wasn't a problem anymore.  

I know the way I look is a problem for some people.  This is a conservative area.  I've had people straight up tell me they don't like me because I'm heavily tattooed.  Some have even pointed out that in the Bible it says tattoos are a sin and they don't associate with sinners.  That doesn't bother me as much because my tattoos were my choice.  I don't regret them.  

My recent ex and I had so many similar experiences like this.  He is also heavily tattooed.  But being for another country he also had a lot of people dislike him just for being foreign.  You would think in 2023 xenophobia wouldn't be a thing anymore, but it is, sadly.  

One thing I've struggled with all my life is feeling invisible.  I feel like people just don't see me, and when they do they only see the bad things.  (or at least, things that they consider bad, like vitamin powder and Rush.)   

[itsallgrand]

(The band, not Limbaugh) made me chuckle. 

If you have trouble picking up social cues, it makes sense that would lead to some trouble where you rub people the wrong way without seeing it coming. People won't often consider that hey, maybe I'm dealing with someone who struggles with this for various reasons, especially without knowing you on a more personal level. But that is changing to some degree, as there is more awareness these days of individuals on the spectrum and how that can impact how they present sometimes. Still, not a default by far for people to consider that. Or other reasons.

How are you at picking up humor? Good hearted teasing?

 

 

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

(The band, not Limbaugh) made me chuckle. 

If you have trouble picking up social cues, it makes sense that would lead to some trouble where you rub people the wrong way without seeing it coming. People won't often consider that hey, maybe I'm dealing with someone who struggles with this for various reasons, especially without knowing you on a more personal level. But that is changing to some degree, as there is more awareness these days of individuals on the spectrum and how that can impact how they present sometimes. Still, not a default by far for people to consider that. Or other reasons.

How are you at picking up humor? Good hearted teasing?

 

 

I did when I was younger.  Not so much anymore.  I'm pretty good at reading a room, picking up on things now, but I had to work hard to get to this point.  A huge eye opener for me was taking Human Relations in college.  The whole class was about social skills, etc.  I was 22 when I took that class and I realized so many things I had been doing wrong.  Like, I used to be one of those people who when asked, "How are you," I would tell whoever asked me that exactly how I am.  I just didn't realize that it's just a greeting.  People don't really care how I am.  It's just something we say to each other to be polite.  It's almost embarrassing admitting that I had to have these things explained to me in an academic way because I didn't just know them like most people do. But I also was bullied really bad all through school, so I didn't have much of a social experience there.  And I couldn't do anything right at home and it seemed like I got in trouble just for existing.  So I stayed in my room as much as possible.  Not making excuses but college was the first time I had a lot of social experiences.  Of course I was behind.  

I have no problem picking up on humor, sarcasm, etc. My own sense of humor is really bizarre and dark, though.  My brother and I have the same sense of humor and my recent ex and I did as well.  

 

[itsallgrand]

That makes so much sense. I'm so sorry your parents neglected you in that way. 

I've noticed over the years of reading on this forum that you have become so much less defensive, more open in your responses, and you keep growing. This step of having the toxic roommate move out is another win, it couldn't have been easy but it's 100% a great choice imo. I cheered a little reading it!  

[Cynder]

On 10/4/2023 at 8:51 AM, itsallgrand said:

That makes so much sense. I'm so sorry your parents neglected you in that way. 

I've noticed over the years of reading on this forum that you have become so much less defensive, more open in your responses, and you keep growing. This step of having the toxic roommate move out is another win, it couldn't have been easy but it's 100% a great choice imo. I cheered a little reading it!  

I don't know if that's all me or just the fact that most of the bullies on here have either been banned or left.  There used to be some pretty mean and judgmental people here. 

I've been posting about this open relationship for a year and no one has really had an issue with it.  Years ago when my ex husband and I had an open relationship and I posted about it here, I was given a lot of crap for it and basically made to feel like some degenerate just because I'm in an open relationship.  

People here have also toned down the psychoanalysis of everyone.  I remember when I couldn't post about being bi here because it always turned into a bunch of wannabe shrinks wanting to analyze my reasons for being bi.  When a straight person says they are straight, people around them don't start picking apart their life and trying to figure out why they are straight.  That always got really irritating. 

And also, people here have gotten a lot better at seeing the facts in a post.  That used to be a problem I had a lot here.  A lot of people used to just pull things out of thin air.  Or outright ignore things that were written in a post.  I have had people here lecture me about how I need to stop doing drugs when the post they were replying to had no mention of drugs in it and I don't do drugs.  I've been lectured about why I chose to marry an alcoholic... when I was never married to an alcoholic. 

So, I don't know if it's me who changed or this place that changed. 

[Cynder]

After my ex ghosted me in 2021, I wrote a novel that was inspired by a story she told me once.  The story she actually told me was only one chapter of the novel.  I just kept building and building on that story until I told a much longer story.  This ex was female, and in the story I made her male. 

In the last two weeks I've written obsessively.  And I do mean obsessively.  Roughly 61k words (154 pages single spaced.)  Things have been put on hold because of this.  I haven't packed the healthy lunches I normally pack for work because of this book.  I haven't cleaned my house the way it should be because of this book.  It's a completely different novel.  I got this idea one day and just went balls to the wall.  And it's not even finished yet.  And what inspired it?  Something D told me happened to him as a child.  And in this book I made him female. 

I'm sure most psychologists would have a field day with this.  The fact that I've done this twice after a relationship ended...  both times I changed the gender of the character. 

The characters themselves are different, though.  The character based on Z is kind of an anti-hero character.  The character based on D is completely innocent and pure until about act 3 of the story, but the novel itself is dark.  I mean, when this novel gets published there will have to be trigger warnings printed somewhere on the cover.  It contains scenes of prolonged torture, etc (the character based on him isn't the one being tortured, if anyone is wondering. That character is the one doing the torturing.)  It's a horror novel...  I decided to go big or go home. 

When it's done and out I will probably send him a signed copy, lol.  "Hey, you helped inspire this.  So this is the least I could do.  Enjoy!" 

 

[Cynder]

This was originally a journal entry, but I'm putting it here also because this is a lot for me to process even though I'm not involved with him anymore.  It was a month ago today that we split up and it kills me to see ho much his mental state has declined in a month. 

So, it seems D got himself in some trouble.  I blocked him everywhere, but still can't completely escape him.  I am one of the admins for the OM Vendors group on Facebook.  He is in that group.  I have him blocked, so I don't see his posts.  But because I'm an admin, I see reported posts no matter who posts them. 

I woke up to a bunch of notifications from that group about reported posts.  Him and some of the other vendors got into it last weekend at the OM Halloween show.  (The one I decided not to do because of him.)  Now I kinda wish I would so I could just sit back and watch the fireworks.  That's ok though, this morning I got to read all about it.  He kept making all these really childish, melodramatic posts in that group and a bunch of people reported them.  And since he was making them in the middle of the night, no admins were on to shut him down.  (It's a group with over 2k members and literally only 3 admins.)

So yea...  a bunch of people in the OM community are mad at him now.  And he's mad too.  I just deleted all the posts while laughing to myself thinking, "Yep, look what's not my problem!"  I mean, it was kinda my problem since I'm an admin.  But literally all I had to do was read them all and hit delete.  The situation they're fighting about isn't my problem. 

I don't know all the details...  but he was with his sister this past weekend (who goes to all the OMs with him now.) And they got into an argument (Like they do pretty regularly... he was always fighting with her. I have a few really close friends that I think of like siblings, and I have rarely ever argued with any of them.)  But anyway, him and his sis are in the car this past weekend going to OM.  And they got into a huge screaming match.  And D...  (I really can't believe this, and I'm really thankful no one was hurt because this could have been disastrous.)  D decides to just slam on the breaks while going down the highway.  And then he got out of the car and ran across a four lane highway without even looking where he was going, and while his sister was sitting in the passenger seat screaming and hysterical.  And then later on that day at the show she caught him spitting a big lugi in her drink and then he started giving her stuff away to customers. 

Man oh man...  I am so glad I got out when I did.  If there was any regret or guilt welling up inside me, that took it all away.  That could have been me in that car.  It could have been me drinking his spit (and I'm honestly wondering if I already did... who knows how many times he could have done that to me when we were together.)  And it could have been my stuff he gave away. 

I am sitting here celebrating that my inner peace is not being disrupted by him anymore...  But at the same time, I really hope someone intervenes and does something before he seriously hurts himself or someone else.  Just thinking of the accident he could have caused...  Maybe that's just because I've actually been in a car accident, idk.  I keep trying to tell myself, yes, but he didn't.  I know that doesn't excuse it.  But there's no point getting myself all worked up and upset over what could have happened but didn't happen.  And I had a therapy appt yesterday.  I really wish my appt would have been today so I could talk about all of this with my therapist. 

I wish someone would intervene and put him on an involuntary hold so he can actually get help.  But...  he is no longer mine to worry about. I feel really conflicted.