Well, it's over...

[Batya33]

That sounds really dangerous and violent what happened.  I'm glad you're ok.  

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That sounds really dangerous and violent what happened.  I'm glad you're ok.  

I'm voice texting this message. So if there's any thing weird about it that's why. I'm honestly just too tired right now to proofread it.

Yeah. I couldn't even imagine being stuck in that car on the highway after he did that. Him and his sister aren't speaking anymore. She completely cut him off. So okay, his son, his mom, me, his sister, we've all cut him off. And I'm sure his husband's about to that point. What the hell is going to have to happen for him to go get some help?  Last I knew he was up to seven skunks. He has a squirrel. He has a raccoon. He has a whole bunch of cats. A bunch of snakes. He can't take care of all these animals by himself. With his mental health being the way it is, it's only a matter of time before somebody calls animal control and they come and sees all of his animals. And that'll probably be the point where he really loses it. Because with his mental health being this bad, he was already he was already having a hard time taking care of the animals when we were together. If he's gotten this bad I don't even want to think about what state the animals are living in now. I'm so glad I got out when I did. I'm really really proud of myself for Having the courage and that relationship. It's just really unfortunate that the man I fell in love with this appeared... last New Year's Eve was the start of the downward spiral.

I know this is really messed up. But there's a reason why I was thinking this. I was actually just laying here in bed letting my thoughts wonder. And I was actually hoping that if he gets to the point where he's suicidal that he'll text me. Because I'll call the cops. I'll call the cops and tell them his address and be like there's a man here threatening suicide somebody needs to go get him. And then hopefully they'll take him to the psych ward where he needs to go.

[Batya33]

I understand and I'm sorry. I hope he gets the help he needs before he harms himself or causes more harm to others.  

[Cynder]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understand and I'm sorry. I hope he gets the help he needs before he harms himself or causes more harm to others.  

Now I'm dealing with that fear of going to sleep again, because I'm afraid of what I will wake up to.  

[Batya33]

Even though you have a role in that social media group perhaps take a break for a couple of days so you don’t have to see or unsee anything. 

[itsallgrand]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Even though you have a role in that social media group perhaps take a break for a couple of days so you don’t have to see or unsee anything. 

Yeah I agree. 

Sorry. That sucks. Sounds scary how he is behaving. 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Yeah I agree. 

Sorry. That sucks. Sounds scary how he is behaving. 

 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Even though you have a role in that social media group perhaps take a break for a couple of days so you don’t have to see or unsee anything. 

I actually am taking a break from it, I mean, as much as I can.  It's not very often that posts get reported in that group because there's just not a lot of conflict there. 

I'm sure everyone will tell me I shouldn't be worried about him.  But it's hard not to worry. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

 

I actually am taking a break from it, I mean, as much as I can.  It's not very often that posts get reported in that group because there's just not a lot of conflict there. 

I'm sure everyone will tell me I shouldn't be worried about him.  But it's hard not to worry. 

Yes so much is hard when dealing with someone with a mental illness who acts out in the way he does.  Worry or not worry -you gave him your suggestions and opinions and he can take it or leave it.  I don't think you should react to worrying by being in contact with him though and you are not contacting him.

[LootieTootie]

Its natural to worry about someone you care about... but when they become insufferable, you gotta put boundaries up for your own sanity. That's what you're doing so please don't beat yourself up.

Keep journaling, keep writing, and whatever you do for therapy - it's been helping, even if you don't feel like it. I know a lot of people, including me, are excited to hear about your books and wanting to hear more about it.

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Its natural to worry about someone you care about... but when they become insufferable, you gotta put boundaries up for your own sanity. That's what you're doing so please don't beat yourself up.

Keep journaling, keep writing, and whatever you do for therapy - it's been helping, even if you don't feel like it. I know a lot of people, including me, are excited to hear about your books and wanting to hear more about it.

I'm doing what I can to be kind to myself.  It's been hard to not contact him over the last couple days since I heard about this.  But I know nothing good will come of it if I do. 

I feel guilty because I haven't painted anything since June...  But I wrote the entire first draft of a novel in 3 weeks.  Working on these two novels is why I want to get out of bed in the morning. 

[Cynder]

I came home from work today and sat in my office watching the movie Lords of Chaos.  It was a good distraction for a bit.  But now it's over, and I"m exhausted, and I feel so much anxiety about going to sleep. This is ridiculous and I really need to bring it up with my therapist.  There's no reason why I should be afraid to sleep.  It's not sleep itself that I;m afraid of.  It's waking up and possibly finding things out that I don't want to find out. 

It's been over a month since I broke up with him and I thought I was done with this.  I was even starting to feel excited to wake up.  Now I just dread waking up.  And so I try to stall as long as I can by just not sleeping.  But now I have to go in my room and sleep.  I have a video project I'm shooting for tomorrow and I need to be up kind of early.  (2PM...  early for me.) I"m glad it's not later today.  Today is Friday, the shoot is Saturday.  Days get really confusing when you're a nocturnal creature. 

[Cynder]

I went on a hike today with a good friend of mine. We were out in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. I got home and checked my phone. And this is what I saw.

I will admit, it is really hard not to respond to this. Because I really do miss him and I really do care about him. But responding isn't going to go anywhere good. I need to keep my inner peace.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you went on a hike! And glad you did not respond.

[Cynder]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you went on a hike! And glad you did not respond.

Yea...  and there's been actually another development in this whole situation.  One of my really long term friends who I've know since high school, E, is also friends with him on Facebook.  E messaged me on facebook and asked me what happened between my ex and I.  I told him we broke up on September 11th.  And then E sent me a screenshot of one of my ex's posts that said, "I wonder if the person who hurt me recently knows how much I'm suffering and if they miss me as much as I miss them." 

This pissed me off.  I didn't tell E that I was mad.  I just said, "Please don't send me stuff like that again." and I deleted the message.  I have a chapter to finish tonight and I was just settling in to start revising it.  I was in the perfect headspace and everything.  And then seeing my ex's facebook post made me cry.  It was posted at about the same time he sent that text message.  Now I can't concentrate on my writing.  

I don't know what possesses people to do this.  People did that to me when Z and I broke up, too.  If I know someone is going through a breakup the last thing I would do is start showing them what their ex is saying about them.  I wish I could unsee it.   

[Batya33]

Yes- I would next time say at the outset of any convo -I don't want to hear any information about him. 

I have two friends who met two years ago when their sons became classmates -A and B. A is friends with C.  Another mom.  B is now enemies with C.  I am not friends with C but I happened to meet her once at a sports event - we chatted and she doesn't know I know B.  Nor did she find out.  I have no plans to see C again.  Not interested 

But B often asks me about A. and would love to know about A and C's friendship.  I NEVER respond.  I give no info even mundane about A.  B doesn't ever ask about A.  I've made it clear -awkwardly -that I am Switzerland -I don't want to know anything about A or C nor will I share anything about A.  I like B for other reasons but I've become very clear and firm with my boundaries to avoid any gossip or even any appearance.  But yes it's awkward.  I'd do the awkward thing if I were you because the consquence as you shared is just not worth it. 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- I would next time say at the outset of any convo -I don't want to hear any information about him. 

I have two friends who met two years ago when their sons became classmates -A and B. A is friends with C.  Another mom.  B is now enemies with C.  I am not friends with C but I happened to meet her once at a sports event - we chatted and she doesn't know I know B.  Nor did she find out.  I have no plans to see C again.  Not interested 

But B often asks me about A. and would love to know about A and C's friendship.  I NEVER respond.  I give no info even mundane about A.  B doesn't ever ask about A.  I've made it clear -awkwardly -that I am Switzerland -I don't want to know anything about A or C nor will I share anything about A.  I like B for other reasons but I've become very clear and firm with my boundaries to avoid any gossip or even any appearance.  But yes it's awkward.  I'd do the awkward thing if I were you because the consquence as you shared is just not worth it. 

I needed a nap, so I went and slept for an hour or so...  I still can't stop thinking about what he posted.  It is so hard to not reply and tell him I miss him too.  But I'm posting here instead of doing that.  Now I'm going to make some tea and dive straight into work until around 6AM. 

[Cynder]

I know this thread is old now and it's going on two months since we broke up.  So, I shouldn't be this emotional. 

I have never really been one for deciding that my SO and I have a particular song, etc.  But he was.  And there were two songs that he told me reminded him a lot of me.  One is a song they play occasionally where I work.  Last night I was in a good mood all night at work.  And then as I am laughing and joking around with my coworker, about to walk out the door to go home this morning, that damn song started playing. 

I can't even really explain why it was such a massive punch to the gut.  But all I've done is cry since I got home from work.  And I've wanted to text him more in the last 20 minutes than I have the entire time we've been broken up.  I'm posting here instead of giving in. 

I wonder if he has had moments like this.  I wonder if he even misses me at all. 

And this isn't helped by the fact that I can't seem to escape him.  I haven't been on facebook in almost a week since him and I are active in a lot of the same groups, and even though I have him blocked, I still see his posts in one of the groups because I'm an admin.  

And even though I stopped going on that Discord server that I joined not even knowing his sister was a member, last night at around 3AM I was writing in my office and she voice messaged me out of nowhere. I just logged off.  I didn't even say anything.  Yea, that was rude.  She has no idea who she's talking to.  She doesn't know who I am on discord, and it's a small, niche server for people in my area.  Her and I just happen to have a similar interest and live near each other.  Kinda sucks because if circumstances were different we might have been friends.  But she's toxic AF and I'm better off without her. 

I miss D so much right now.  There is a lot I want to say to him that I know I'll probably never get to say.  And even if I did, nothing would change. 

I think things happen when they are supposed to happen.  And maybe that song was a push from the Universe.  Maybe I needed to have this good cry and resist the urge to message him. 

Now I'm going to go work on another chapter of this book before bed. 

[Cynder]

So, I finished the chapter...  sitting here just letting it all come out raw into the story, and in an hour about 8 pages came out of me. 

I haven't painted anything since June.  And I have a gallery show in February that I need 15 paintings for.  I need to get out of this slump soon and pick up a brush again. 

I paint when I'm happy.  I write when I'm miserable...

[arjumand]

So that is something to think about from a creative point of view. Why not paint when you are miserable? Is it that then you would actually see your feelings on the canvas and not be able to get away from them? Is it because you feel no visual creativity when you are miserable? I am a writer and I understand having no motivation in an artform at different times. But I have also found that forcing myself to begin work has garnered some really interesting work that lends my writing a different flavor. Perhaps if you force yourself to start painting you will end up with paintings that are different but just as worthwhile. 

 

Just a thought. Hope you feel better soon. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, arjumand said:

So that is something to think about from a creative point of view. Why not paint when you are miserable? Is it that then you would actually see your feelings on the canvas and not be able to get away from them? Is it because you feel no visual creativity when you are miserable? I am a writer and I understand having no motivation in an artform at different times. But I have also found that forcing myself to begin work has garnered some really interesting work that lends my writing a different flavor. Perhaps if you force yourself to start painting you will end up with paintings that are different but just as worthwhile. 

 

Just a thought. Hope you feel better soon. 

I have painted in the past during really hard times.  But what I paint isn't anything I want anyone to see.  At the worst time of my life I did a nude self portrait, in black and white, not idealized at all, with my body covered in blood.  And as powerful as that painting is, it will sit in a closet for the rest of my life because no one needs to see it. 

My art comes from joy.  I am the most productive as an artist when I'm happy.  A lot of people have this idea in their heads of the brooding artist. People think that artists have to suffer for their work and that all art comes from this deep dark place.  That's actually not true.  That comes from Van Gogh.  DaVinci wasn't miserable. Most artists aren't. 

I do need to figure out a way to get back into it, though.  It's not even that I don't want to paint.  It's just that right now I feel a stronger calling to write. 

My recent ex is an artist too and we painted a lot together.  Maybe deep down that's it.  That fact that I shared that with him, idk.  I've never been romantically involved with another visual artist.