Well, it's over...

[Batya33]

I sure can relate to the wondering "what is he thinking?" So many possibilities and such a winding path of thought.  I'm glad you deleted all and I hope you feel much better today.

[Jaunty]

I promise it will get better.  It's good that you are able to still appreciate the things about him that were and always will be lovable.  His mental illness has terminated his ability to actively practice loving anyone and most importantly, himself.  So he needs to relearn that or stay on this very destructive path.   You need to not be on it alongside of him.  You're doing the right thing in taking care of yourself even though it feels like hell.  

 

[Cynder]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I sure can relate to the wondering "what is he thinking?" So many possibilities and such a winding path of thought.  I'm glad you deleted all and I hope you feel much better today.

I'm glad I deleted them all too.  The ones that were from earlier in our relationship were the ones that hurt the most to read.  Because that's the person I fell in love with, and he disappeared.  The first time he ever told me loved me was in German, in a text.  He was being sneaky, lol.  That's one I kept.  But that's the only one. 

[Cynder]

He has said this to me a few times, even though we haven't actually talked since Wednesday.  But in that few days where we were talking after breaking up, he said, "You have no idea how hard I was working to be a better man for you." or some variant of that.  That is the thing that is killing me right now.  Because whenever he said it it was framed as asking me why I can't just be more patient, etc.  OR as if I just didn't appreciate the work he was doing.  It's not that I didn't appreciate it.  I just couldn't handle being accused of stuff I didn't do and also the situation with the book cover.  Now that I've had a few days of not talking to him to really process things I really want to message him.  But I don't think he will reply, and I don't want to be snubbed. 

My writing coach, who is a good friend of his, told me he has been posting a lot of really dark posts about how depressed he is, etc.  I feel like I am the cause for that.  But also I know he posted stuff like that when we were together too.  At first I was really letting my head rule.  But now it's like my heart is trying to take over. 

I just wish things would have turned out differently.  He also told me he regrets having ever met me just because of how things ended.  I need to leave for work in an hour and I can't stop crying. 

[Cynder]

So, something happened last night that I think is going to really help me get through this. 

One thing that's been really hard over the last week is waking up.  The night we broke up I stayed up as late as I could handle because I didn't want to go to sleep.  The reason I didn't want to go to sleep was because I hate waking up after something bad happens and for the first few seconds you forget about it.  And then you remember that it happened and feel completely gutted... and then still have to get up and face the day anyway. 

For the last few months of our relationship I hated waking up because I never knew what I was going to see that would hurt.  Like, am I going to check my phone and see a text from him saying he wants to kill himself?  I used to wake up to sweet messages every day from him.  That stopped when he got really depressed, though. 

So all week long I've been trying to come up with a reason to want to wake up in the morning.  Well, I sent two chapters of my novel over to my writing coach two weeks ago for review/feedback.  Yesterday he sent feedback for one of them.  And we talked for a while.  I was actually really relieved to hear from him because he is friends with my ex and my ex's sister.  I thought for sure he wouldn't want to work with me anymore. 

So, we were talking and I told him I'm working on the next chapter and will have it done soon, hopefully.  And he asked how soon I think I can finish it.  And then I got the idea to ask him for a deadline.  I said, "Why don't you tell me when you want it finished.  You're my coach.  If I have a deadline it will make me want to finish it by a certain day."  And so he did.  We are trying for one chapter a week.  If that ends up being something I can't do, he said we can make it a chapter every two weeks.  The whole story is already in my head.  And the book is about 50% written already.  It's just a matter of sitting down and actually writing it. 

So now, I have a reason to get up in the morning.  I have a chapter to finish, and ultimately I have a book to finish.  When I was a kid all I wanted in life was to be an artist and an author.  I've accomplished one, now it's time for the other. 

So today I woke up really excited and actually wanting to get out of bed.  I have a chapter to finish.  It was the relationship with my ex that inspired me to go forward with this novel.  I used to send him a lot of my stories as I finished them.  (My novel is one story told through a series of short stories... so when I say chapters, each chapter is a story in itself.)  It was him and his sister who got me in touch with the guy who is now my writing coach.  My ex convinced my coach to work with me even though I'm a nobody with no writing background, etc, because he really believed in me that much. 

His sister absolutely hates me now and my ex is disappointed in me.  But that doesn't mean I still won't publish this book. 

[Cynder]

It seems like whenever I end a relationship (and it usually is me who ends it...  I've been the dumper way more times than I've been the dumpee.) there is always that one song that hits just right.  They play this song at my work all the time, I Am the Resurrection by The Stone Roses. The lyrics to the song are a lot meaner than how I actually feel toward him.  But a couple lines really stood out to me.  "Don't waste your words. I don't need anything from you."  Because every time he talks to me I just feel worse.   "I am the resurrection and I am the life."  I do feel like he was sucking the life right out of me.  By ending things I'm bringing myself back to life. He was depressed and he was dragging me right down with him.  And most of all "I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like."  Because I do still love him and I feel really bad for him.  It would be easier if I just hated him and could completely wash my hands of him.  But I can't. 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think it is that clear that you're the "dumper" - you ended it because he checked out.  Because he checked out and you didn't see him putting in the effort to come back to you -he left - this was obviously because of his mental illness if not entirely than mostly -but if someone leaves you in the way he did for this period of time often ending the romantic relationship is simply you paying lip service to what already happened.  And it's less complicated as far as how combined your lives are since there are no kids/legal commitment, etc so that's also a factor albeit likely a more minor one!

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it is that clear that you're the "dumper" - you ended it because he checked out.  Because he checked out and you didn't see him putting in the effort to come back to you -he left - this was obviously because of his mental illness if not entirely than mostly -but if someone leaves you in the way he did for this period of time often ending the romantic relationship is simply you paying lip service to what already happened.  And it's less complicated as far as how combined your lives are since there are no kids/legal commitment, etc so that's also a factor albeit likely a more minor one!

Right.  Even though this was technically a mutual breakup it is still questionable.  I feel more like the dumper since he kept talking to me after it happened and at times it seemed like he wanted to work on things (like when he asked to go to a therapy session together) but every conversation ended in him being pissed off, so I cut contact. 

But you're right too.  It also feels like he left me months ago.  The person I fell in love with disappeared and was replaced by this person I don't even recognize anymore.  And his Mom and his son both said the same thing.  His husband is on the verge of leaving, also.  My ex is going to lose everyone he cares about and wake up one day when it's too late.  It's a sad story... 

[Cynder]

I was just thinking about something he used to do... 

Before we were dating, at one point I was working on this big Alice In Wonderland painting.  While I was working on it one of his skunks passed away. This painting was a forest scene with several of the characters.  As a tribute, I put a skunk in the background of the painting. According to him that's when he knew he had to tell me he had feelings for me.  He had been carrying that torch for a while.  But when I did that he couldn't keep it to himself anymore.  He saw that as such a grand gesture, etc.  And I loved it that something I did was being noticed and appreciated by someone on that level. 

But after that, he started wanting me to put skunks in a lot of my paintings.  I was working on a painting of the Mad Hatter at one point, and he asked me to add his face tattoos to the Mad Hatter's face in my painting.  (I didn't.) 

The painting I'm currently working on (well... if you can call it that, I haven't touched it since June) has a skunk in the background.  I am debating on painting over it.  I only put it there because he begged me to.  The only reason I'm thinking of leaving it there is because I love the way I drew it.  It's a really cute skunk.  If I wasn't happy with how it looked I would paint over it and not even be questioning it.  If anyone is wondering the painting is actually of a Puckwudgie.  He is standing in a forest surrounded by huge mushrooms, and the skunk is just chilling in the background.  The skunk is maybe an inch and a half squared.  It's not very big on the canvas. 

[Cynder]

This is what I woke up to this morning.  There hasn't been any contact between us for 8 days.  I'm really not sure how to respond or if I even will respond. 

[Jibralta]

If I received that text, I would just respond with something courteous and simple, like, "I appreciate you telling me."

I wouldn't thank him, and I wouldn't address, confirm, or deny any of the claims he is making.

That's just me.

[itsallgrand]

I wouldn't reply. He's just sort of talking to himself trying to process, that's OK, but doesn't need a response.

 

[Cynder]

54 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I wouldn't reply. He's just sort of talking to himself trying to process, that's OK, but doesn't need a response.

 

The thing that really gets me in that message is "I don't want you to think I'm a jerk like you already thought before we broke up."  I didn't think he was a jerk before we broke up.  I was crazy in love with him and recognized that he is mentally ill.  I tried to not take things personally, etc.  Even in the few days after we broke up when we were texting a lot, he kept returning to that, "Oh you think I'm just an a**hole.  You think I'm a jerk.  You think I'm worthless." Etc.  I never thought that.  He clearly thinks that about himself though, and is just projecting it onto me. 

I must be the most awesome hi def screen ever because people always end up projecting their crap onto me.  I recognize it when it's happening but I can't really do anything to prevent it or stop it.  I can try to call these people out but that never works. 

[Morello]

He's just trying to get a reaction from you, so you can tell him "no, there's not how I think about you, etc...". Again, it's much more about him pleasing his ego and less about you. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Cynder said:

people always end up projecting their crap onto me.  I recognize it when it's happening but I can't really do anything to prevent it or stop it.  I can try to call these people out but that never works. 

But this person is a person who is unstable and with a mental illness so to me you can't lump him i with people who are mentally typical/stable.  There is no calling him out.  It's like my mom didn't blame my dad for saying she was going to divorce him and run off with a celebrity.  Because he had advanced Alzheimers.  

[Cynder]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But this person is a person who is unstable and with a mental illness so to me you can't lump him i with people who are mentally typical/stable.  There is no calling him out.  It's like my mom didn't blame my dad for saying she was going to divorce him and run off with a celebrity.  Because he had advanced Alzheimers.  

I understand that.  I try to not take anything he does personally.  But also because he's mentally ill, me trying to convince him I didn't think all these bad things about him before we broke up is pointless.  He's pretty set in thinking I did.  His reality is not the same as everyone else's reality. 

Honestly, the message doesn't read like a message from someone who really is sorry.  It reads like "Hey, I feel guilty.  Please make it so I don't feel guilty anymore." 

Mentally ill people are still responsible for their actions.  If my OCD ever causes me to behave in a way that upsets others, (And trust me, it has) yes it might have been my disorder fueling it.  But it was still me behaving that way.  And I still have to face any consequences that come from it. 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

Mentally ill people are still responsible for their actions.  If my OCD ever causes me to behave in a way that upsets others, (And trust me, it has) yes it might have been my disorder fueling it.  But it was still me behaving that way.  And I still have to face any consequences that come from it. 

Yes but he may not know this and I didn't mean he's not responsible -I mean your mindset that everyone basically projects onto you and treats you badly should take into account who the person is -a person with a mental illness is "responsible" and should apologize but he's also not a person who knows better in the same way that a person without his particular illness would know. 

 It may help your feeling of being victimized in this way by "everyone" -what you see as people "always" do to you might be in part because perhaps you interact with people with significant mental illness/dysfunction more than the average person and interact with them on a deep level.  That's your choice of course but it makes this projection issue much more likely to happen (despite them being "responsible")/

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but he may not know this and I didn't mean he's not responsible -I mean your mindset that everyone basically projects onto you and treats you badly should take into account who the person is -a person with a mental illness is "responsible" and should apologize but he's also not a person who knows better in the same way that a person without his particular illness would know. 

 It may help your feeling of being victimized in this way by "everyone" -what you see as people "always" do to you might be in part because perhaps you interact with people with significant mental illness/dysfunction more than the average person and interact with them on a deep level.  That's your choice of course but it makes this projection issue much more likely to happen (despite them being "responsible")/

Yes, I see the point in looking at the source and recognizing the Alice in Wonderland dynamic behind these interactions.

AND, this is not a blame-the-victim statement. Cynder, you were raised by sick people who conditioned you to view what would be red flags to others as perfectly natural. And so you can operate as a sane and resilient person within the worlds of others who are not so sane—and this doesn’t stand out for you as anything different from what you’re been enculturated to accept.

Here’s a parallel: when I was in nursing, I was assigned to various wards, and each had a different set of norms. Sure, one would expect certain abnormalities in a psyche ward, but how about the mix or psych-plus-x treatment of patients in an isolation unit or medical-surgical or any other combo?

This is the kind of cross section we can encounter when we immerse ourselves in any given culture. Like the festival scene, where plenty of sane and generous people mix with folks who are not that.

Even for the relatively short duration of time that I spent inside a caregiver role (not raised to view the abnormal as normal) I did start to accept more aggressive or abusive or otherwise uncomfortable behaviors from others in the outside world only based on a comparison with what I had started to accept as typical during my workdays over time.

So my definition of usual or typical or (the word I hate) ‘normal’ shifted in months, not years. Consider this if your starting point is the way you were raised all your life—with nothing else to compare that to.

This doesn’t discount your judgment. You are one of the most observant people I’ve encountered in my lifetime. It just explains how you are able to blend aspects of personality into your life in ways that would raise more caution in others.

But this is like betting high stakes in the riskier stocks in the market rather than investing in stable funds. It’s not ’wrong’ or bad, it’s just got more risk.

[Batya33]

Thanks to what Catfeeder said because I also feel very strongly that you shouldn’t be judged for your choice as to who to interact with and befriend. 

[Cynder]

I feel a lot of anger over this whole situation that I'm not really sure how to deal with.  This relationship ended over false accusations that he still thinks are true.  In the few days after when we were still talking I kept trying to explain my side of this to him.  He just won't hear it.  Then he gave me some hope that at least we could clear up the misunderstanding by going to a therapy session together.  And I told him I would be willing to do that with him, and then he just stopped talking about it. 

He read his sister's messages without her permission and somehow got the idea that I think he's cheating on me, also.  Which I never said and I never thought either.  So he's "disgusted" with me for thinking he would cheat on me.  Which basically means he's disgusted over nothing because that never happened. 

He also kept throwing it in my face that he needed time to work on himself and get his mental health straightened out and I wouldn't give him that time.  Ok...  how was I not giving him the time? 

He flung accusations at me, refused to hear my side of anything, and now I'm the bad guy in the situation and I didn't even do anything.  And now he doesn't want me to hate him and think he's a jerk?  I know it seems like I'm just rambling and whining.  I just woke up feeling really pissed off about this whole thing today and I'm posting here instead of responding to his text. 

I'm glad I have to work tonight because I feel like work is my escape.  When I'm at work I can just hit the off switch for 8 hours and concentrate on my job.  SOmetimes I wish I could do that at home, too.  But it's not healthy to just not go through it.  It's better to go through it than around it when bad things happen. 

I finished that chapter of my novel that I had until midnight on Sunday to finish.  So I think once I"m done getting ready for work, etc, I will probably spend the rest of my evening working on the next chapter.  There's a pretty violent event that happens in the next chapter, so I will take advantage of the rage I"m feeling and pour that out into my writing. 

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, Cynder said:

He flung accusations at me, refused to hear my side of anything, and now I'm the bad guy in the situation and I didn't even do anything.  And now he doesn't want me to hate him and think he's a jerk? 

Sounds more to me like he knows he's the jerk. Mentally ill or not, when someone behaves like a jerk, they usually gain some moments of clarity about that,

And that's why you have no work to do on this beyond being kind to yourself and using every tool and technique you have learned to check against torturing yourself with the OCD spins.

That said, I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't ruminate to at least some degree about mistreatment, so this isn't on you, sister.

Bad segue, but here's my own: I have an aunt and uncle who launched a road trip from Florida along the East coast and have been staying in touch by phone or text or pics the whole time. I adore them. They told me to expect them to check into a Hilton near me and my folks at 4 PM today. I reached out to gather extended family for a party tomorrow, and I also agreed with my Mom to pick her up to visit them at their hotel tonight.

I was awakened by a call early this morning that they have arrived the next town over, and my mind went blank. Freakin, whut? I had a whole list of errands to run and my home to clean after working late last night in prep for taking Monday and Tuesday off to be with them. I muttered something about targeting a diner close to their hotel and calling my mother (who is a morning person and can likely get over there, it being daylight)...

So now I feel awful for not bouncing out of bed to go greet them, but at the same time...really? I've since spent the day cleaning and beotching my defenses to myself, and I'm half-guilty-half-resentful because they messed me up. Not even a texted heads' up last night? No warning, no hint, and we're in the middle of an awful rainstorm that makes me not what to run out and shop for food and invite them over at this moment.

So, I'm ranting instead. I'm sorry to derail your very valid issue into my own issue, but I'm trying to show you that I'm not exactly holding it together in the anger department. And I don't want to be mad at them. I just hate the implied expectation that I should have been cheerful about a rush to entertain them so early on the drop of a dime...

Rumination. It's not just for OCD. We all need to process stuff. Mistreatment, in your case, and beloved family obliviousness in mine. Hah!

Love ya, dearest,
Cat

 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds more to me like he knows he's the jerk. Mentally ill or not, when someone behaves like a jerk, they usually gain some moments of clarity about that,

And that's why you have no work to do on this beyond being kind to yourself and using every tool and technique you have learned to check against torturing yourself with the OCD spins.

That said, I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't ruminate to at least some degree about mistreatment, so this isn't on you, sister.

Bad segue, but here's my own: I have an aunt and uncle who launched a road trip from Florida along the East coast and have been staying in touch by phone or text or pics the whole time. I adore them. They told me to expect them to check into a Hilton near me and my folks at 4 PM today. I reached out to gather extended family for a party tomorrow, and I also agreed with my Mom to pick her up to visit them at their hotel tonight.

I was awakened by a call early this morning that they have arrived the next town over, and my mind went blank. Freakin, whut? I had a whole list of errands to run and my home to clean after working late last night in prep for taking Monday and Tuesday off to be with them. I muttered something about targeting a diner close to their hotel and calling my mother (who is a morning person and can likely get over there, it being daylight)...

So now I feel awful for not bouncing out of bed to go greet them, but at the same time...really? I've since spent the day cleaning and beotching my defenses to myself, and I'm half-guilty-half-resentful because they messed me up. Not even a texted heads' up last night? No warning, no hint, and we're in the middle of an awful rainstorm that makes me not what to run out and shop for food and invite them over at this moment.

So, I'm ranting instead. I'm sorry to derail your very valid issue into my own issue, but I'm trying to show you that I'm not exactly holding it together in the anger department. And I don't want to be mad at them. I just hate the implied expectation that I should have been cheerful about a rush to entertain them so early on the drop of a dime...

Rumination. It's not just for OCD. We all need to process stuff. Mistreatment, in your case, and beloved family obliviousness in mine. Hah!

Love ya, dearest,
Cat

 

He knows he was the jerk.  I wonder if he realizes after everything else, there's no real coming back from this.  The whole thing with the book cover was a huge blow too.  He claims that he didn't even know the artwork he saw for the book cover was mine.  But I find that really hard to believe because he asked me to do the cover and he made such a big deal about how it would mean so much to him, etc. 

The things that make me the most angry though, are the thought about how he used to be.  The guy I fell in love with disappeared over the last few months.  Remembering what a great person he used to be is what really kills me. 

I've talked to some people about this and they've all suggested that who he is now is actually who he was the whole time and he just hid it really well in the beginning.  I don't know though...  I've known him since 2017.  I know the dynamic changes when you're romantically involved with someone.  We didn't spend as much time together when we were just friends, etc.  But still...  I don't think he's always been crazy and just hid it for 5 years.  His mom by choice has even told me he did a complete 180 over the last 3 months, and she's known him for over 20 years.  They currently aren't even speaking because he's been such a jerk to her lately.  His husband is almost fed up also. 

I don't know what changed...  I just wish the guy I fell in love with would have stuck around. 

As far as what's going on with your family, that must be so frustrating.  I'm sorry that I don't have more to say, I've just never been in that situation, so I can't really relate.  But it sounds like you're handling it well.  Don't feel guilty.  Anyone would react that was at such a change in plans at the last minute, especially after working late. 

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I've talked to some people about this and they've all suggested that who he is now is actually who he was the whole time and he just hid it really well in the beginning.  I don't know though...  I've known him since 2017.

I don't think he hid anything, he was being himself and enjoying you while he didn't have any particular challenges.

Then his beloved skunk died and killed your NY celebration, and he took an internal nosedive. That's when it all started going south, right? Nothing to do with you, exactly, just that he started treading water with his own mental health.

And since that time, everyone within his immediate sphere has become a casualty, and recognizing this, he tried to shield you from the same outcome he knew he was prone to act out.

And when he left his home to stay with his mother figure, he did the same to her. Right?

So it's like watching an uncontrolled fire. He burned down everything with everyone around him and attempted to distance himself from you to avoid the same outcome.

But then he opted to interact with you for a festival weekend, and he ended up doing exactly what he feared--coming out sideways on you, just as he'd done with everyone else who loves him.

So you being a casualty of this was only delayed as long as he could delay it. Mere interaction prompted him to do his thing--alienation. Period. 

There's no way for you, or ANY of you, to reason your way back to good graces with the illness that has imposed this estrangement. It doesn't matter whether he's sorry, or you're sorry, or his family is sorry--because none of the accusations against any of you who love the guy are justified or even relevant.

If you had killed his skunk, he'd have a case. But you can't argue with crazy, honey. And I wish that were untrue. You can only recognize where you end and insanity begins. And  while that's unfortunate, it's also not your fault.

Love, Cat

[Cynder]

15 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I don't think he hid anything, he was being himself and enjoying you while he didn't have any particular challenges.

Then his beloved skunk died and killed your NY celebration, and he took an internal nosedive. That's when it all started going south, right? Nothing to do with you, exactly, just that he started treading water with his own mental health.

And since that time, everyone within his immediate sphere has become a casualty, and recognizing this, he tried to shield you from the same outcome he knew he was prone to act out.

And when he left his home to stay with his mother figure, he did the same to her. Right?

So it's like watching an uncontrolled fire. He burned down everything with everyone around him and attempted to distance himself from you to avoid the same outcome.

But then he opted to interact with you for a festival weekend, and he ended up doing exactly what he feared--coming out sideways on you, just as he'd done with everyone else who loves him.

So you being a casualty of this was only delayed as long as he could delay it. Mere interaction prompted him to do his thing--alienation. Period. 

There's no way for you, or ANY of you, to reason your way back to good graces with the illness that has imposed this estrangement. It doesn't matter whether he's sorry, or you're sorry, or his family is sorry--because none of the accusations against any of you who love the guy are justified or even relevant.

If you had killed his skunk, he'd have a case. But you can't argue with crazy, honey. And I wish that were untrue. You can only recognize where you end and insanity begins. And  while that's unfortunate, it's also not your fault.

Love, Cat

Yea... this all started on NYE when Noodles died.  And I guess I was stupid for thinking that was something that could have brought us closer together.  I was there when it happened.  It was me he cried his eyes out to that night. 

Yep... everyone is a casualty now except for his sister.  And she's well on her way to being one.  Right now she might have this ride or die attitude about him, but that will change once she's the only one left for him to take out all his crap on.  I've even noticed he doesn't care as much about the animal rescue anymore.  The rescue was such a huge part of his life for so long.  He started it and put all he had into it.  And now he barely does anything with it. 

When he first asked me out I told him no, because I didn't want to give up being single.  I love being single.  He didn't push for anything.  He respected that no meant no.  But over time I just kept thinking about what a good person he is, etc.  So eventually it was me who asked him out.  And in the beginning, I have never had such a sweet and attentive partner.  He actually made me feel good about myself.  I started taking better care of myself.  I stopped apologizing for everything, etc. 

I remember right after we made things official and decided yes' we're in a relationship, he had to go out to Colorado for a job for three weeks.  And every day when he was in CO, we talked on the phone.  He would send me pics of the landscape out there.  He knew I really like sunflowers, and sunflowers grow wild out there in a lot of places, so he would always send pics of wild sunflowers, etc. 

And then the way I hit it off with his son and with his husband just added to that.  It seemed like we were becoming this happy poly family.  And then Noodles died... and everything went straight to hell. 

And I tried so hard to appreciate the fact that he was distancing himself from me because he didn't want this to happen to us.  He wanted low contact, which I gave.  But then the weekend of the festival when all this blew up, he was mad because I didn't communicate more.  I mean, he actually got really snippy with me when we were setting up because I hadn't messaged him more the previous week.  I told him I only didn't because he asked me not to and that mad him really mad.  So yea... you can't argue with crazy. 

I told his son I couldn't do anything right.  And his son even said, "none of us could." 

I have regretted even going to that festival.  But if it wasn't that weekend, it would have been another weekend.  Something would have happened either way. 

I bought him a present that weekend, too.  It was something a vendor had nearby that he kept commenting on how much he liked it.  Now it's sitting in my art room.  It's not something I have any use for.  $60 down the drain.  I didn't just give it to him at the festival because when I told him I got him something he told me to wait to give it to him until we were out on an actual date.  Ok, we hadn't been on any actual dates in months. 

I wonder if one day he's going to snap out of this and realize everyone is gone.  Like is reality going to hit him at some point and is he going to wonder "what the hell have I done?"  But sadly by then it will be too late.  The fact that his Mom isn't even speaking to him anymore after 22 years of close friendship says so much. 

I'm so glad I have work, and my novel to help me get through this.  I also engaged in some retail therapy last night.  I bought myself some paints I'd been wanting, and some other little things that have been sitting in my amazon cart for a while.  I know buying stuff isn't necessarily a healthy coping mechanism.  But everything I bought is something productive. 

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yep... everyone is a casualty now except for his sister.  And she's well on her way to being one. 

Yeah, and naah. She's already a casualty. He leaned into her, and she came out sideways on you.

None of this is rational. Sure, the dominos started to fall with Noodles, but there isn't anyone who has come out unscathed. The sister's venom was just her swan song.

I get that the unfairness of it all really hurts you. And I'm not dismissing that even while I encourage you to look at the totality of The Thing.

D hasn't spared one person who loves him, and that's not because he's hateful. He is ill. And dramatically egocentric. And all of the other self-centric traits that go along with that, which overshadow any modicum of feelings or respect that he can hold for anyone at this time.

Does this mean you don't have a right to be angry with him? Just the opposite. You have every right to feel as devastated and as angry as is useful to you, and no holds barred. Your grief is justified. Regardless of whether you were dealing with a sane person who could have done something about his mistreatment or were otherwise dealing with someone hanging onto the edges of sanity while that one last skunk death tipped him over the edge.

It's not your fault. You know this, but everything relative to this that you are dealing with is ALSO not your fault.

(((HUGS))) honey,
Cat