He said spending time with me feels like a chore

[Elizabeth]

Some background about my relationship: I, female (20) and my boyfriend (21) have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years and in-person for the past year (3 years total). Due to a personal decision to move back to the US this summer we are now long distance again. 
 

Today my boyfriend dropped a bomb on me by saying he didn’t like to spend time with me anymore and it felt like a chore and that I drain him. The activities that we do like texting, calling, and playing videos aren’t the reason he feels drained, because according to him it only feels likes a chore when it’s specifically with me. 
 

I kept asking why I was draining him, because we can’t try to improve the situation without knowing as much as possible. The way he kept answering made me feel like he was avoiding saying something. Eventually I got him to say that he doesn’t feel 100% like he wants to be in this relationship. Open further questioning it only sounds like he’s 50/50 on whether he wants to be with me.
 

He doesn’t seem to know why spending time with me is so draining to him. He said maybe it could that he is busier now and he doesn’t have the time to himself. He also said maybe it is because of the 6 hour time difference of our relationship. 
 

I never imagined this happening. This is supposed to be my for-life relationship. If he really breaks up with me, I’m losing my best and probably only friend. I’m so heartbroken.

Before he went to sleep he asked me to think about what I want (whether I want to go on a break or keep trying to hold on to the relationship). Before today I really had no worries about our relationship, I didn’t see this coming at all. Maybe since we lived together in person for the past year, it is difficult for him to adjust to long distance again.

 

I really don’t want to end it, so I will encourage us to keep trying. I just want to know what everyone else thinks of it. Do you think it will last? Why does he feel like this so suddenly? What is the best thing we can do to try and stay together?

[boltnrun]

What has the plan been for you two to be back physically together? When is that supposed to happen? Why are you currently living apart? Who chose to move away and how was that decision communicated?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Elizabeth said:

: I, female (20) and my boyfriend (21) have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years and in-person for the past year (3 years total). Due to a personal decision to move back to the US this summer we are now long distance again. 

Sorry this is happening distance relationships are very lonely and difficult. Is this a situation where you were apart because of work or university? How did you meet? How did you get along and what was the reason you or he moved back? 

Even  though you've grown attached, you seem to be too far apart geographically and emotionally, not to mention physically. 

Is this your or his first relationship. Please keep in mind there's plenty of more compatible local men who could be your. "forever person".

Sadly the difficulties and loneliness seem to be getting to him. Try to let go. If things were meant to be you wouldn't be apart yet again. 

 

[Seraphim]

Very seldom at this age is it a forever relationship. Unfortunately, I would say he has found someone else. I am sorry. 

[Elizabeth]

Just now, boltnrun said:

What has the plan been for you two to be back physically together? When is that supposed to happen? Why are you currently living apart? Who chose to move away and how was that decision communicated?

He lives in the Netherlands and I live in the US. I went to school there so that we could live together but I ended up not enjoying what I studied there. Unfortunately the university system there is very strict and even more strict for foreign students so it wasn’t possible for me to stay and start studying something else. My only choice was to move back home and work and start studying something here. He wants what is best for me and I have better opportunities at home. The plan is when we both finish school we will live together, but my boyfriend won’t graduate for 3 more years. Until we can live together again we plan to visit each other twice a year for a couple weeks at a time.

[Elizabeth]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Very seldom at this age is it a forever relationship. Unfortunately, I would say he has found someone else. I am sorry. okay 

I understand what you’re saying, but honestly I don’t understand why he would offer the option to keep trying to stay together if he was with someone else? He also shares his location with me, I always know where he is.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth said:

I understand what you’re saying, but honestly I don’t understand why he would offer the option to keep trying to stay together if he was with someone else? He also shares his location with me, I always know where he is.

There is no possibility of other people being at these locations ? I am assuming there are girls at university. 

[Elizabeth]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening distance relationships are very lonely and difficult. Is this a situation where you were apart because of work or university? How did you meet? How did you get along and what was the reason you or he moved back? 

Even  though you've grown attached, you seem to be too far apart geographically and emotionally, not to mention physically. 

Is this your or his first relationship. Please keep in mind there's plenty of more compatible local men who could be your. "forever person".

Sadly the difficulties and loneliness seem to be getting to him. Try to let go. If things were meant to be you wouldn't be apart yet again. 

 

Hi, thank you for the reply.

We’re apart because we’re both still in school. I was going to school in his country and living with him, but I wasn’t enjoying the topic and my only choice was to move back. We met online through video games.

This is not my first relationship but it feels like the first one that really matters. We have gone through so much together. We’ve had small issues before, but never anything major. Never any “red flags”. It’s just so sudden for him to say stuff like this. He was literally visiting me a few weeks ago.

[Cherylyn]

He dumped you.  I'm sorry.  He's rejecting you and wants to move on.  Give him what he wants so you can move on, too.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  He was not meant to be after all. ☹️

[Elizabeth]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

There is no possibility of other people being at these locations ? I am assuming there are girls at university. 

I understand the concern, but honestly after knowing him for 3 years I could never seeing him doing something like this. If he was, I would never see it coming. It would really be a shock. He’s not a “red flag” kind of guy. And he was visiting me a couple of weeks ago, and still has pictures of us posted on his Instagram.

[shouldhavelearned]

Talk to him

Sounds like he is not truly communicating the issues and being very broad

Distance is long

Nice like you can drive and see each other for a weekend 

[Lambert]

I really don't understand why anyone would want to be with someone that would say something so mean. 

I understand you are hurt, and you don't like it.  But what does he expect you to do?? keep trying harder and harder?  What is he doing?

I would check my self-esteem and leave this guy to play games with himself.  What a d-bag. 

[Elizabeth]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I really don't understand why anyone would want to be with someone that would say something so mean. 

I understand you are hurt, and you don't like it.  But what does he expect you to do?? keep trying harder and harder?  What is he doing?

I would check my self-esteem and leave this guy to play games with himself.  What a d-bag. 

I think he just wanted to be honest, so that we could try to figure out what was causing him to feel that way. 
But I agree with you, I don’t know what to do about it unless he’s able to explain what’s going on better. I told him that I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling unless he tells me.
What he said may be mean, but he’s never been a mean boyfriend to me. I know in this forum-type posts, you only here a little about the situation and it’s easy to assume the worst about someone. 
He has always been a caring, selfless, and attentive boyfriend. We’ve had disagreements before but he has never once shown me a red flag, and I’m not love-blind enough to miss red flags.

Of course whatever happens I want the best for myself, but honestly losing him doesn’t feel good for me at all. I know it hurts at first and then gets better, but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it hurts so bad.

[boltnrun]

You have been in this relationship since you were 17? When you say the first two years were "long distance", does that mean you never met in person until you moved to his country to go to school a year ago?

It's hard to be tied down to your laptop and phone. It's just not fun or engaging. Interacting in person is so much more satisfying and enjoyable. My guess is he doesn't want to be tied down to someone he'll only see for a total of six weeks over the next three years. 

I would believe what he says. If he's as honest as you say he is, he probably meant what he said, unfortunately.

If he's your one and only friend I strongly recommend you start finding ways to meet people so you are also not tied down to an electronic device. You will find yourself missing his electronic interactions less  when you have a busy and fulfilling life with in person friends. 

[catfeeder]

How often did the two of you visit one another in person prior to your move out there?

It sounds as though BF does not want to return to an electronic relationship, especially for 3 years. If you think about it, most people would find that isolating, depressing, and yes, draining.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry this is happening, OP. 

I know it hurts. A lot. But this guy isn't your for-life relationship. Couples that get together at such a young age rarely stay together for life because people grow and change and want different things. This is particularly true when you add in the very long distance. Maybe's met someoe else, or maybe he's just outgrown the relatonship. Telling you that being with you is draining him is the brutally-honest sign that it's already over for him. 

It's just not sustainable anymore, and he's trying to end it. I think he's not quite the courage yet to end it altogether because he doesn't want to hurt you, but that's where this is going.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Elizabeth said:

Do you think it will last?

Nah. He was being honest with you. You tried to make it work but you didnt like University. So you got back home seemingly for a long time with no option to return there. So he finds sustaining that relationship with texting and calling(with a big time difference btw) a chore. He has to text or call you at certain times without an option to see you. Why would he do that if he can, I dunno, find some other woman at his University where he wouldnt feel like he has a business partner in USA that he neeeds to notify about his activities? Who he can actually see?

Also, your concept of "This was suppose to be my one and only" is very draining for yourself. You are in an unsustainable relationship. Where you decided to go back home and study there without an option to return. You maybe find that OK but he doesnt. Is he suppose to wait you couple of years until you finish University in USA? What if you decide to stay home? Is he suppose to come to you? Its not realistic to hold something like that. You are very young so you maybe believe in "Love conquers all" that rom-coms teach you. But in a reality that rarely happens. And I am afraid you would have to let this one go and in time find somebody else.

Also, why are you not having any friends? Asking because its probably one of the reasons you hold on to this and why maybe he feels its a burden. If you would have a friends network you wouldnt relly so much on your SO. And it would be better for a relationship in general.

[Lambert]

11 hours ago, Elizabeth said:

I think he just wanted to be honest, so that we could try to figure out what was causing him to feel that way. 

This is a very loving way to look at it. When you love someone, you want to look at things from the most benefit of the doubt you can give.  I am sorry @Elizabeth

Sometimes we don't see how harsh something is until we tell another person.  But a person that wants to work on things, finds a way to say them in a productive way.  Not the cutting to the quick, "being with you is a chore".  That's not even an example of a behavior that he didn't like.  It's an overall-- this sucks.  

Just know, break ups NEVER feel good.  Like a root canal never feels good.  You might get through it better than most, but it's still awful.  There is no good way to break up with someone.  It hurts them, it hurts you.  Some people can do it better than others.  It's not always a reflection of them as a person or their character.  Because break ups mean something is broken and therefore, not functioning well. 

It's like when your car breaks down on your way to a job interview.  The car was broken.  It was chugging along and things seemed ok.  But under that hood, something you couldn't see was wearing away, until BOOM.  

If there is one thing, I have learned about life it's this-- LET GO WITH GRACE.  A partner or friend says, stop, slow down, I can't, I am unhappy, you're a chore... all signals to me to back off.  No argument, no please explain more, no let me try harder.  None of that.  It's a "hey, thanks for the good times and if you ever feel differently, give me a call.  I'll see how I feel then."

[Dollface417]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with a few others it sounds like he cushioning you for a possible break up. He doesn’t seem empathetic to your feelings at all by saying it’s a “chore” being with you. I feel he means that he doesn’t want to commit to this relationship at this point of his life and he has one foot out the door. With him saying all of this I would practice self love and no contact. If he feels drained it means he’s not happy with where your connection with each other has gone. You seem to really care for him and want to work things out, but he’s telling you what he wants subliminally which is to be single. Prepare yourself for whatever is to come with this man. In him saying he’s feeling drained he does not want to give this connection any more energy. A person who loves you and wants to work things out with you won’t feel drained with you they love to be around you and will work the kinks of the connection out with you through thick and thin. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Elizabeth said:

 And he was visiting me a couple of weeks ago, and still has pictures of us posted on his Instagram.

How was the visit? Did anything unusual happen? Unfortunately he seems burned out from the distance and may be looking for a way out. Try not to revolve your entire life around him this much.

[SooSad33]

You two are both so young.  I dont think he has what it takes to keep this going anymore.

He doesn't want the added stress of being involved with someone so far away anymore.  It can be very hard to keep something like this together in a healthy manner.

So, by sounds of it, he's pulling away and wants/needs to focus on all he's got going on at home.  Is probably best for both of you to work on accepting and moving on.

Let this be a lesson and that it was an experience you both had and is often best to be involved with someone much closer to home.

If he's saying he's done with this, you say okay & wish him the best.  No more expectations.

As for friends, I'm sure you will soon come to meet some at your own location soon 🙂 .

[Cherylyn]

He said spending time with you is a chore.  Well,  turn it around on him in your mind.  Spending time with him is a pure waste of your time and life.  Dump the chump! 😒

[Avalon85]

From my expeience, people who don't like or even want to communicate and adress their emotions, feelings and what they are thinking of and how they see the relationship are not worthy the time.

They are not serious, so spare yourself any worthless efforts and future heartaches and headaches. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Avalon85 said:

From my expeience, people who don't like or even want to communicate and adress their emotions, feelings and what they are thinking of and how they see the relationship are not worthy the time.

They are not serious, so spare yourself any worthless efforts and future heartaches and headaches. 

 

But he is -he was just blunt about it. He is not enjoying spending time with her - those are his feelings and he communicated it directly albeit not in a compassionate way -it's exactly how he sees the relationship it's just not sugar coated or dressed up in fancy psychological talk. 

I'm sorry he was so hurtful with his comments, OP.

[Cherylyn]

For you,  turn this around:  Spending time with him is a chore.  Anytime you're dealing with complicated characters,  it is a chore and a pain in the bleep.  😡

If you want to live a long,  happy life,  fill it with high quality people.  The rest of the world can bleep your bleep.  That's my attitude and it really works!  🤗  👍