The mysterious Bobby pin

[Amelia1905]

Dating this guy for a couple weeks, we live other ends of the state. we talk constantly all day, texting, calls. I have a traumatic past of abuse and cheating, so sometimes my gut feeling gets the best of me. He’s constantly telling me how much he likes me, talks me randomly everyday how beautiful I am, that I’ve really got i Him, it’s all about me. We are not labeled bf gf. He sent me a photo (details of the photo doesn’t matter it was a comic one) and there he had a Bobby pin in his hand …. It stings a little and I say nice Bobby pin….. and he flips his ***…. Y’all’s at me that I treat him like *** (I Absolutly do not, I don’t nag him, I don’t get upset when he goes out or call him when he is, I shared my phone location with him so he could feel more comfortable, etc) says he’s sick of me thinking there’s other girls, I’m wasting his time, he’s done. Says it’s his sisters…. He stayed at his moms a few nights (from the time frame he said it was like at least 7 months ago) and his sister was there…. I’m l just thinking 🤔 ooookayyy what does that have to do with a Bobby pin easily accessible from your bed to be grabbed for the photo….how does your sisters Bobby pin when you stayed at your moms over 7 months ago…. Or even last week…. How does one of her Bobby pins end up in your room from your moms house, from your sister. 
 

he really made me feel a worthless piece of *** for asking about it…. He ignored me won’t answer my calls do discuss it, I told him I’m not mad and want to talk and not text so there’s no miscommunication. It feels like he got so mad to make me back off asking about it, and make me uncomfortable to ask about any thing I might find odd because I’m worried he’ll flip and leave. 
I really don’t understand why he’s get so mad…. Is it because I’m right? Do I hold my ground on this Bobby pin? Yes we’re not an official item but the way he is with me and what he says, there’s no question that’s where he’s implying this is going, so yes that’s why the Bobby pin bugged me, sapposably he has dated in a while….so why the Bobby pin in reach from the bed? 
 

He said  I need to stop getting in my head because it’s nonsense and a waste of his time. 

literally all I said was “nice Bobby pin” 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

Dating this guy for a couple weeks, we live other ends of the state. we talk constantly all day, texting, calls

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? How often have you seen each other in person? How old is he?

Do you both work?Go to school? Live with parents? How do you have the time to talk "all day,every day"?

Please discontinue sharing your whereabouts with virtual strangers on social media. Especially a weirdo like this man. 

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting local decent men?

After a few messages arrange to meet in person for a brief coffee. Anyone who won't meet in a timely manner or contacts you from a distance is generally a timewaster.

Paid apps may have more serious daters and better screening and matching tools. Especially dating local men you can have an in-person relationship with.

It may help you avoid distance situations and random weirdos like this man.

[Seraphim]

Time to end this relationship. If you have a history of being in abusive relationships your picker might be off. This guy isn’t the one . He holds up random bobby pins and yells at you a few weeks in and previously love bombs you . Yeah, another abusive relationship headed your way in this guy. 
 

Maybe consult a trauma specialist so you don’t find guys like this . 

[Amelia1905]

@Wiseman2 we met in person when he was in town for work. We’re in our 30s yes we work and yes we talk all day, not like glued to our phones but yes there’s always something for me to reply to when I look at my phone. I don’t meet strange men from online. 

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

I shared my phone location with him so he could feel more comfortable

Why would you ever do this and agree to this lol

He is projecting. And doesnt hold himself to the same standards he holds you. He can track your phone but you cant ask about bobby pin. Which shows that according to him, he can do whatever he wants. But not you. If he stopped contact maybe its a blessing in disguise. You dont need somebody like that in your life.

[Batya33]

You only met this person once. I'd avoid him from now on.  His way of interacting is creepy and it can only worsen IMO.

[Amelia1905]

@Kwothe28 because I had a girls night at my friends and we were drinking. I ended up staying there and missed a few of his calls, he was worried if I was ok. So I offered to do that so he knows I’m safe, and settle any worries he might have. He shared his back with out me asking, didn’t matter to me either way.

 

he’s never been aggressive or mean, he’s not possessive, he doesn’t accuse me of anything or anything. He messages me back all the time within like 3. Minutes. He doest make me feel like I have to worry but the Bobby pin….. doesn’t make sence, was the first time he’s been mean to me, he’s always calm and in a good mood and it was a complete 360, 

[Amelia1905]

@Batya33 we’ve seen each other a few times. We’re always very happy and no problems. Until this

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

@Wiseman2 we met in person when he was in town for work. 

. He doesn't seem to have much to offer. Perhaps he's married or in another relationship or dating locally?  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

@Batya33 we’ve seen each other a few times. We’re always very happy and no problems. Until this

Well no I have a feeling that "very happy" over a few times means that it's only a few times - he was on good behavior and/or you were ignoring signs. 

"He’s constantly telling me how much he likes me, talks me randomly everyday how beautiful I am"  This is not normal to say this constantly - to someone you barely know.  Do you like this sort of intense attention from someone you barely know about what your physical features mean to him? A person who really wants to get to know you at a reasonable pace over time won't gush this way especially with this focus on your looks and do this every day.  That person will want to get to know who you are in reality and will compliment you in a reasonable way and wouldn't need to focus or want to focus just on your physical looks if he had genuine intentions of getting to know you.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you should take time off dating for a while. 

You’re failing to recognize the serious red flags about this guy. 

Have you had any professional help dealing with your past abuse? Because you’re apparently continuing the cycle here, even if you don’t see it yet. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

, I’m wasting his time, he’s done.  what does that have to do with a Bobby pin easily accessible from your bed to be grabbed for the photo….

Is this what you wanted to discuss? Whether he's lying about a random bobby pin and who it might belong to??  He doesn't seem like like BF material even if he flattered you a lot in the beginning. 

Since you don't like dating apps, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons.

You could have fun, make friends, learn new interesting things and meet local men. There's no need to be stuck on the phone all day with distance guys you barely know and already seem shady.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Amelia1905 said:

because I had a girls night at my friends and we were drinking. I ended up staying there and missed a few of his calls, he was worried if I was ok. So I offered to do that so he knows I’m safe, and settle any worries he might have.

What you see as caring is controlling. Giving your constant location to a mere stranger, for all intents and purposes? Dangerous and ridiculous. You're a grown woman and did just fine keeping yourself safe for 30 years. What's he going to do, call 911 when you fail, after 3 hours, to answer his call? Or show up at the bar you're at when you don't reply to his text to see if you're unconscious with the other patrons walking over your body?

 

2 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

says he’s sick of me thinking there’s other girls,

As for you, think about how you contributed to the mess. With this statement, sounds like you've regularly made accusations about other girls. You're not ready to date until ditching emotional baggage. If you can't date a guy without making hi pay the price for crimes your exes committed, then don't date.

This guy sounds like a jerk, so you're definitely not ready to date when you would likely take him back. Also know that LDRs that don't start locally, whereas a solid foundation has been built first, have a very high risk of failure.

When ready to date again, how about trying some Meetup. com groups for singles in your age group? Take care.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

@Kwothe28 because I had a girls night at my friends and we were drinking. I ended up staying there and missed a few of his calls, he was worried if I was ok. So I offered to do that so he knows I’m safe, and settle any worries he might have. He shared his back with out me asking, didn’t matter to me either way.

 

Reminds me of the story Ive heard on some gathering. She was at home with her friends and the phone was on charger in other room. So when her then boyfriend called and she didnt answered, he closed down his private office(he is a local doctor btw) and ran to her appartment to see what is going on. 

Anyway that is the kind of behavior that you could expected from somebody like that, paranoid to the point of asking you to confirm location. Because he knows that he would do something wrong or just doesnt trust you. That you dont find that worrying but normal, is concerning from your side. 

[Coily]

A real quick thing on the bobby pin, things like that can just "seemingly" appear at random. I hadn't had anyone over at my house for months and found a random bobby pin show up in my medicine cabinet.

However his unhinged reaction... wow that's a bit much. (Understatement for dramatic effect) You need to consider this reaction as a huge red flag. Not a fan of saying end a relationship, but after only a few weeks he goes ballistic over what should have been a "Oh this thing?" reaction.

[Lambert]

I think you're being manipulated and love bombed, to deflect that he may be a cheater.

You have severe trust issues from previous relationships, fix that first.

Even if this guy is not as whack as he sounds, you still have to make your self care and healing your number one priority.

end this for your own sake.

[smackie9]

Why are we having this conversation? Dump the guy already. He's a total jerk. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

Dating this guy for a couple weeks...

Really?  Two weeks?  I'm uncertain how all this drama could actually occur in only two weeks but in any event, agree with others, you need to dump him, like yesterday. 

[Amelia1905]

@rainbowsandroses I met him in November, a month ago is when we started seeing each other more and the constant communication 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

@rainbowsandroses I met him in November, a month ago is when we started seeing each other more and the constant communication 

What you're describing is not adult healthy communication.  It's constant him slobbering all over you verbally and you lapping it up because part of you needs this sort of attention.

[Amelia1905]

@Andrina I understand that me trying to protect myself from getting hurt can seem like I’m thinking he’s like my ex’s. But I don’t do that, he goes out  and I don’t say anything other than have fun be safe. He’ll be out until 1:30am., I never ask or insinuate he was a with a girl. I ask did he fun and tell him I’m he decided to go. He’s not sure if he’s going to go and I encourage him to go have fun. I’m not messaging him constantly while he’s out needing his attention, or checking in on him,  he messages me and sends me pictures what they’re doing and I respond.  
 

the only one other time was the night befor, I asked him to please call me when he wakes up at 4am so I can start my day early (I tend to sleep through my alarm) and he said no. And it struck me as odd because he calls me all the time, I really didn’t think he was going to say no, he’ll call me at 6:30 sometimes 5 or 5:30. I asked why not, he said “because I said so, I’m not waking you up at 4am it’s rude” we went back and forth on it I told I don’t understand why it’s a big deal, I’m asking you too, it’s not rude. I said please just wake up,  And it lead to me saying “I don’t get it. You’re really making me start to think you won’t because someone else is there, I don’t understand why else you wouldn’t”

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

He sent me a photo (details of the photo doesn’t matter it was a comic one) and there he had a Bobby pin in his hand …. It stings a little and I say nice Bobby pin….. and he flips his ***…. Y’all’s at me that I treat him like *** (I Absolutly do not, I don’t nag him, I don’t get upset when he goes out or call him when he is, I shared my phone location with him so he could feel more comfortable, etc) says he’s sick of me thinking there’s other girls, I’m wasting his time, he’s done. Says it’s his sisters…. He stayed at his moms a few nights (from the time frame he said it was like at least 7 months ago) and his sister was there…. I’m l just thinking 🤔 ooookayyy what does that have to do with a Bobby pin easily accessible from your bed to be grabbed for the photo….how does your sisters Bobby pin when you stayed at your moms over 7 months ago…. Or even last week…. How does one of her Bobby pins end up in your room from your moms house, from your sister. 

It's obvious you two are NOT good for each other.

You are insecure and he flips out! 😕 

And I am wondering WHY you share such things as your phone location to some guy you've only been involved with a couple of weeks!?

You're not labelled and it's only been a couple of weeks....

You owe him nothing!  Remove that access and get hold of yourself.

Like I said, this isn't healthy at all.  As for the bobby pin, ignore & say no more.  Just be done with him.  He's got issue's and you don't feel any trust here.

Prime example ( other than the bobby pin) ~~>  I asked him to please call me when he wakes up at 4am so I can start my day early (I tend to sleep through my alarm) and he said no. And it struck me as odd because he calls me all the time, I really didn’t think he was going to say no, he’ll call me at 6:30 sometimes 5 or 5:30. I asked why not, he said “because I said so, I’m not waking you up at 4am it’s rude” we went back and forth on it I told I don’t understand why it’s a big deal, I’m asking you too, it’s not rude. I said please just wake up,  And it lead to me saying “I don’t get it. You’re really making me start to think you won’t because someone else is there, I don’t understand why else you wouldn’t”

* There was no reason to say that.  But you are , and going on assumptions, showing how little you trust.*

 

Maybe consider some prof help if you feel you're lacking in some area's to where they're affecting your relationships.  Dont just jump into them so quickly and focus on YOU for a while.

[Amelia1905]

@SooSad33 it was after he was fighting me so hard on it…. ThTs where I admit I get confused about am I just being insecure and shouldt say anythjng, or the route I went with was, this is new, it this doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right, he’s making me feel this way because it’s odd he said no and fighting it so hard with no valid reason….am I in the wrong for expressing that what was a simple request, has me now thinking/feeling this? Because of how he responded to it, he’s pissed and offended,  and I tell him that (not in a mad way) “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would be such a big deal, and now this where I’m at about it,  please just call me when you wake up and prove me wrong” he said no, and he didn’t. 
 

am I never aloud to express that something doesn’t feel right, and try to talk about it with who I’m seeing with out being called insecure? Is not ok to express their action/reaction makes me uncomfortable and feel this or that way, in hopes of resolving it and building trust. It seems that “bravo walk away leave the ***!” If you don’t feel right about something but when you say you try talking to him about it “you’re insecure” 

 

as for my past everyone is commenting on, ❤️ appreciate the advice. And yes, I’m in therapy and have prescriptions to help. It was physical but most traumatizing was the emotional abuse because he was on meth, and he had no remorse, near the end inwas crying on the kitchen floor asking “why” and he said “because I can” and walked away came back laughing “you know you’re really a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for, and that’s going to get you in trouble” I’ve had the whole front of my hair ripped out bald clean in 2020, still wear a hat a lot because it never grew back the same, ran over my foot, pushed down the stairs,  stole my dog, the cheating was constant calling me names in front of those girls. (Ex bf), 7 staples in the back of my head from a. Flower pot being thrown at it 2021(ex bfs friend that stole from me) the days in between those incedents were just as pleasant.  and  my face broken by being hit with the butt of a rifle 2022 (random road rage incedint)….yes police new, neighbors called, told his parole officer. No one helped. So yes I do have a very hard time trusting people, he knows this.  I wasn’t out looking for something I am working on myself, but we just clicked, And I feel I’m doing pretty darn good on not being insecure, or not letting the past influence me…… I use to not even let my mother stay alone 10 min in my home, and when she asked me to get her coat from the car I my made me nervous and I questioned her why she wanted to be alone in my home. not nagging him or needing constant attention to feel ok. It’s literally been just the two incidents, it dosnt make sense he wouldn’t, even when asking to just settle my nerves because now it put me in that place. And the Bobby pin/reaction to it.
 

I know it’s only been a month, it’s fresh, I know we’re not an item, which is also why I find what I’m feeling is plausible. Yes, he is in contact with me all day every day, which he pints out.  But those two situations don’t match his normal pattern, and dont have sufficient answers. We’re not an item, he can see whoever he wants, but don’t be making me feel like it’s going to be a real relationship if it’s not. I don’t make me feel like I’m the only one if I’m not. I wouldnt be mad,  but I have every right to know the situation, and decide my involvement/continuation, I would actually much understand she’s there im not, and not expect anything from him . But Do not feed me BS to manipulate my actions, don’t treat me like an idiot when you know what I’ve gone through, don’t take away my right to choose to be around you because what your showing me isn’t real.  
 

Everythjng has literally been fine and happy besides these two incidents, and everything in the good end gives me no bad feeling, nothing has put me in that head space, except these two. And havnt been made ok. 
 

For what I w been trough, I don’t feel it’s asking too much for a lil extra reassurance or if I feel bothered by something to say it does and for him to assure me I’m wrong and build that trust.   It wouldn’t bother me to do it for him, he shared with me he’s been cheated on and hasn’t dated because he doesn’t want to be hurt again, hence sharing my location, that’s easy . If I can help settle someone’s nerves and show them I am someone you can trust, why wouldn’t I do it?

 

but then again….. what I think to be open communication and trying to resolve things that bother you (or him), showing you care for someone and how you make them feel (I really don’t mind sharing my location with him. I go to work school and home that’s it, I don’t go out to bars or parties, I stay home where it’s safe) Unless I was doing something wrong I didn’t want him to se where I’m at I honestly don’t see the problem with hiM being able to see where I am) ….. but I’m apparently just being  insecure/taking my past out him and blinded to being controlled. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

 

I honestly don’t know, what is the difference between trying to communicate something isn’t sitting right with you and asking for clarification or reassurance that it’s not what I’m thinking, and what’s just being insecure. I don’t know. Am I allowed to ask and expect a little bit of extra reassurance because of where my trauma uncontrollably takes me? Or is it not right because they had nothing to do with it and I completely understand and agree they don’t deserve to put up with it. 
 

 

He ignored me all night, even though he’s told me how much he can’t stand being ignored when I was upset with him and I immediately told him “I’m not trying to ignore you I just do t know what to say, I’m not trying to hurt you by ignoring you”. Yesterday tore me down to feel like *** and the. Ignore means then this morning ….“that’s the second time you mention something and that’s all I’m saying. I don’t need this to be a continuous thing, that’s all”  

 

he’s sappose to fly in today and stay with me before work…. We will see

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Do you not get how dysfunctional it is to be fighting about anything when you have dated for 14 days? 

[smackie9]

You don't see the pattern of abuse? They get you hooked, love bomb you, he says all the right things, then the manipulation comes in, with being defensive, making you feel guilty, then stonewalling you to beat your self esteem down. Instead of kicking him to the curb you are hopeful he will come see you. You are falling into that pit of endless push and pull to get you so weakened you are too afraid to let go.