The mysterious Bobby pin

[LootieTootie]

35 minutes ago, Amelia1905 said:

@SooSad33 it was after he was fighting me so hard on it…. ThTs where I admit I get confused about am I just being insecure and shouldt say anythjng, or the route I went with was, this is new, it this doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right, he’s making me feel this way because it’s odd he said no and fighting it so hard with no valid reason….am I in the wrong for expressing that what was a simple request, has me now thinking/feeling this? Because of how he responded to it, he’s pissed and offended,  and I tell him that (not in a mad way) “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would be such a big deal, and now this where I’m at about it,  please just call me when you wake up and prove me wrong” he said no, and he didn’t. 
 

am I never aloud to express that something doesn’t feel right, and try to talk about it with who I’m seeing with out being called insecure? Is not ok to express their action/reaction makes me uncomfortable and feel this or that way, in hopes of resolving it and building trust. It seems that “bravo walk away leave the ***!” If you don’t feel right about something but when you say you try talking to him about it “you’re insecure” 

 

as for my past everyone is commenting on, ❤️ appreciate the advice. And yes, I’m in therapy and have prescriptions to help. It was physical but most traumatizing was the emotional abuse because he was on meth, and he had no remorse, near the end inwas crying on the kitchen floor asking “why” and he said “because I can” and walked away came back laughing “you know you’re really a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for, and that’s going to get you in trouble” I’ve had the whole front of my hair ripped out bald clean in 2020, still wear a hat a lot because it never grew back the same, ran over my foot, pushed down the stairs,  stole my dog, the cheating was constant calling me names in front of those girls. (Ex bf), 7 staples in the back of my head from a. Flower pot being thrown at it 2021(ex bfs friend that stole from me) the days in between those incedents were just as pleasant.  and  my face broken by being hit with the butt of a rifle 2022 (random road rage incedint)….yes police new, neighbors called, told his parole officer. No one helped. So yes I do have a very hard time trusting people, he knows this.  I wasn’t out looking for something I am working on myself, but we just clicked, And I feel I’m doing pretty darn good on not being insecure, or not letting the past influence me…… I use to not even let my mother stay alone 10 min in my home, and when she asked me to get her coat from the car I my made me nervous and I questioned her why she wanted to be alone in my home. not nagging him or needing constant attention to feel ok. It’s literally been just the two incidents, it dosnt make sense he wouldn’t, even when asking to just settle my nerves because now it put me in that place. And the Bobby pin/reaction to it.
 

I know it’s only been a month, it’s fresh, I know we’re not an item, which is also why I find what I’m feeling is plausible. Yes, he is in contact with me all day every day, which he pints out.  But those two situations don’t match his normal pattern, and dont have sufficient answers. We’re not an item, he can see whoever he wants, but don’t be making me feel like it’s going to be a real relationship if it’s not. I don’t make me feel like I’m the only one if I’m not. I wouldnt be mad,  but I have every right to know the situation, and decide my involvement/continuation, I would actually much understand she’s there im not, and not expect anything from him . But Do not feed me BS to manipulate my actions, don’t treat me like an idiot when you know what I’ve gone through, don’t take away my right to choose to be around you because what your showing me isn’t real.  
 

Everythjng has literally been fine and happy besides these two incidents, and everything in the good end gives me no bad feeling, nothing has put me in that head space, except these two. And havnt been made ok. 
 

For what I w been trough, I don’t feel it’s asking too much for a lil extra reassurance or if I feel bothered by something to say it does and for him to assure me I’m wrong and build that trust.   It wouldn’t bother me to do it for him, he shared with me he’s been cheated on and hasn’t dated because he doesn’t want to be hurt again, hence sharing my location, that’s easy . If I can help settle someone’s nerves and show them I am someone you can trust, why wouldn’t I do it?

 

but then again….. what I think to be open communication and trying to resolve things that bother you (or him), showing you care for someone and how you make them feel (I really don’t mind sharing my location with him. I go to work school and home that’s it, I don’t go out to bars or parties, I stay home where it’s safe) Unless I was doing something wrong I didn’t want him to se where I’m at I honestly don’t see the problem with hiM being able to see where I am) ….. but I’m apparently just being  insecure/taking my past out him and blinded to being controlled. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

 

I honestly don’t know, what is the difference between trying to communicate something isn’t sitting right with you and asking for clarification or reassurance that it’s not what I’m thinking, and what’s just being insecure. I don’t know. Am I allowed to ask and expect a little bit of extra reassurance because of where my trauma uncontrollably takes me? Or is it not right because they had nothing to do with it and I completely understand and agree they don’t deserve to put up with it. 
 

 

He ignored me all night, even though he’s told me how much he can’t stand being ignored when I was upset with him and I immediately told him “I’m not trying to ignore you I just do t know what to say, I’m not trying to hurt you by ignoring you”. Yesterday tore me down to feel like *** and the. Ignore means then this morning ….“that’s the second time you mention something and that’s all I’m saying. I don’t need this to be a continuous thing, that’s all”  

 

he’s sappose to fly in today and stay with me before work…. We will see

 

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you and you won't like it. All this I've read you wrote, you should not be dating right now. I am not saying you don't deserve someone but they don't deserve to be treated like they're in an interrogation room just because you feel "off."

You are responsible for your own feelings. If you can't get a hold of how you are treating someone without any real evidence and just because of "something happened to me in the past..." - you need to do everyone a favor and be single.

Dragging people into your own circle of insecurity and paranoia is not fun for anyone who is around you. If you want to find love, you need to work on being single and work on your issues. These traumas you have happened recently and it takes a long time to heal and recover from these. 

Date yourself, go to your therapy sessions, proactively search for ways to handle your paranoia and ptsd, and read self-help books.

You are still young so don't feel like you don't have time to find "the one."

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Why are we having this conversation? Dump the guy already. He's a total jerk. 

Seconded.  And, in the future, NO TEXTING ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  No.  Just no. Don't do it.  It's lame, fake intimacy and a dead end.

[Amelia1905]

@MissCanuck  so you realize how many times I’ve explained I met him in November and things have been constant for a month…. I didn’t just meet him 2 weeks ago.

[lostandhurt]

You really don't know him that well if you have only spent a short amount of time in person. This is where anyone can get a false sense of knowing someone through texting and phone calls.

 I am not sure why he reacted the way he did and frankly it doesn't matter why, all that matters is that he did over react.  Focus on what you can see, the tangible things.

 Only dating a short time, not exclusive, not bf/gf and a huge rift already.

 If you insist on trying to keep this alive please let it calm down for a week and then reach out to him with a phone call. 

 Are you sure you are ready to date?

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Amelia1905 said:

@MissCanuck  so you realize how many times I’ve explained I met him in November and things have been constant for a month…. I didn’t just meet him 2 weeks ago.

Yes. So? You still have only been "dating" for 2 weeks. 

It doesn't matter that you met him in November. You still hardly know each other. It's still not normal. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/22/2023 at 2:45 AM, Amelia1905 said:

Dating this guy for a couple weeks..

@Amelia1905 I think much of the confusion about how long you've been dating, talking, known each other stems from this^.   Was it a mis-type?

If you've known him since November and been seeing each other for a month as you claim now, my suggestion going forward is when you post, try to be more clear.  It would help and alleviate much of the confusion we are experiencing now. 

That said, I read in horror the abuse you experienced with your ex; I am so sorry and glad to read you're in therapy to help you work through it. 

With respect to needing reassurance to help build trust, on one hand, your new guy knew your past and the abuse, and that you're in the process of healing and chose to move forward with you regardless. 

As such, imo he could have been a bit more sensitive to your requests for reassurance versus taking it all so personally and accuse you of not trusting him.

I am sorry to say this, but it appears you may have found yourself another 'abuser' which until a person has been fully healed from the original abuse, is fairly common.   

Patterns tend to repeat, again until a person has been fully healed which you have not, admittedly. 

Reason being, the behavior (control disguised as caring, anger, jealousy,  etc) is familiar to you, you recognize it as "love" (at first) and are drawn to it. 

Under different and more "normal" circumstances, between two emotionally healthy people, such reassurances would not be needed and would be seen by the other as a burden, especially so early in (one month).

My advice is work with your therapist in finding ways to self-soothe. 

Research abusive relationships, including mental and emotional abuse, learn the signs to look for and how to avoid them! 

I hope you will strongly consider dumping your current.  There is nothing good there.  He will continue to bring you down, making it much more difficult to heal, and live a happy healthy life with a man who truly loves you and has your best interests at heart. 

Wishing you all the best. 💛